Disclaimer: I own it all. And if you believe that, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.
A/N: Wow! Another chapter! I know you're amazed. Thanks to Cyndi for getting it beta-read so quickly – you're amazing! And to my reviewers:
Pedagogie – Sorry about the weird symbols. For some reason it uploaded weird! Glad you liked the cliffie. ;)
Spazzy Magee – I love deep, dark secrets.
Ariana Malfoy-Lestrange – That was one of my favorite lines too!
spacemonkeylover – Cliffies are fun. :D
Ella Palladino – Yes, they are moving fast, but hey, it's fanfic world. ;)
sarah-mason19 – I liked that part too!
Misting Morning – No hints! But I'll give you the answer in the chapter!
Erin – Your hunch is probably right!
Eraserhead – Yes, cliffies are evil. But I love to torture my readers.
Dr. Huff-Puff – A quick update just for you! ;)
TeenTypist – You're on the right track… but not quite. ;)
HollyMahogany – Definitely a grand adventure! Here you go!
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Charlie watched as Tonks stiffened in response to his question. His stomach tightened nervously as he realized that he may have opened a can of worms. "Tonks? What is it?"
She took a deep breath, as if gathering strength from an unknown source. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again, looking pained.
Charlie was really feeling confused now. "You were at Hogwarts with me, weren't you? I mean, you didn't go to another school or anything, right?"
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She knew he had given her an easy out. Come on, just say you went to Beauxbatons or something – it'll save you a load of trouble. But she knew she couldn't lie to him.
Bracing herself for the inevitable, Tonks finally spoke. "Yes, I was at Hogwarts with you. I was in Gryffindor, too…" She trailed off, unsure where to go from here.
Charlie frowned slightly. "Then how come I don't remember you?"
Tonks made up her mind to just tell him everything and get it over with. "Because I tried my hardest to make you forget me."
Now he definitely looked bewildered. "What? Why? I don't understand."
Tonks sighed and picked up her water goblet, absently swirling the liquid around while she spoke. "When I came to Hogwarts, I was a tiny, mousy girl; clumsy, messy, insecure. And you were Charlie Weasley, top of your class, popular with everyone, best Seeker the school had seen in ages." She smiled sadly without looking up at him. "I idolized you as much as the rest of our House did. You were everything I wanted to be and more."
Charlie opened his mouth to interrupt, but she cut him off. "I was known as Dora by my friends, and I was reluctant to tell them I was a Metamorphagus. We're really rare, and I wanted to be as normal as possible. So I tried my hardest to blend in with the crowd, to hide my faults."
Her heart was racing. I could just stop now. He wouldn't know. He won't remember. But she plunged on. "By my third year, you had become a prefect, and I had succeeded in becoming like everyone else. Except…" She paused and swallowed hard. "Except that I had fallen in love with you."
She glanced up and saw his startled look before she closed her eyes against him and continued. "I wanted to tell you so badly, but I just couldn't face you. So I started writing you letters. I never sent them – I kept them all in my journal."
Stop. Stop it. Don't tell him. Don't remind him.
"Then, Dumbledore announced that we would be having a Valentine's Day dance – I don't remember why that year was different – and my friends convinced me that I should ask you, that of course you would say yes."
Nausea threatened to overwhelm her. She didn't dare open her eyes – she knew he was remembering just like she was. "So I gathered up my courage and sought you out in the Common Room one evening."
"Tonks…"
She ignored him. She had to finish what she had started, no matter how humiliating. "You were sitting with a group of your friends, and I just walked up to you and asked you to go to the dance with me."
She heard him groan. "Do you remember what you said to me?" she asked, staring at him, but he didn't answer – he just closed his eyes, as if blocking her out. She took a deep breath. "You looked at your friends and then said, 'Why would I go out with a little nobody like you?'"
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Charlie put a hand to his mouth in an attempt to hold back the bile rising in his throat. Dora. Nymphadora. Why didn't I recognize her? How could I have been such a jerk?
He looked up. "Tonks, I – "
"That's not all that happened." Her voice had gone cold, flat – as if she was now reciting a script – and his heart stopped. No. No, not that. I'd forgotten about that. He closed his eyes again.
"I turned to leave, but one of your friends grabbed my journal from my hands and started to read… to read the letters I'd written to you."
He remembered now, everything, so clearly, so painfully. His friends, reading the letters out loud. Himself, laughing at the private thoughts and dreams of a silly girl. Taunting her, teasing her… humiliating her. "I'm sorry," he whispered, but she spoke again, as if he hadn't said a word.
"After that, I went home – Dumbledore was sympathetic and told the professors I was sick. I returned to Hogwarts three weeks later with a new look and a new attitude. I told only my closest friends that I was a Metamorphagus. I was also allowed to transfer to another House. I got a new start in Ravenclaw."
Charlie felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. This can't be happening. He looked up and saw tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry," he said hoarsely. "I didn't know… Do you… do you hate me?"
Tonks wiped at her eyes. "I did, Charlie. For a long time. But eventually I moved on. I got a chance to reinvent myself. I didn't have to be that shy, nervous little girl anymore. I became so much more confident – I actually started to like myself."
I can't… I don't get it. What is this going to mean for us? "Why didn't you tell me before?" he whispered.
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Tonks felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest. The humiliation was being overtaken by sadness – profound sadness unlike anything she'd ever felt before. "I wanted to forget about it, Charlie, and I had… until I saw you again. I foolishly thought that I might be getting a second chance… but I was wrong. I'm sorry."
She pushed back her chair and stood on shaky legs. I just can't think about it anymore. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Charlie stood as well, his face showing his confusion. "Tonks, I'm the one who's getting a second chance with you. I'm the one who messed up."
She shook her head sadly. "Don't you see? We had a great week, Charlie, but the past has come back to smack us in the face."
"I don't… understand," he choked out.
Nor do I. "We're just too different, Charlie. I'm sorry."
She knew she wasn't making sense, but everything was just so jumbled up inside her head. She needed time to think. Without looking at Charlie, she said, "I've got to go," and disapparated, leaving him staring after her in disbelief.
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Charlie sat back down, struggling for breath. Where had it all gone wrong? One stupid, stupid decision made years ago, and I'm paying for it now.
The truth was, Charlie had paid for that decision before this. After the girl named Dora had apparently left Hogwarts, Charlie had suffered from an immense load of guilt. He'd been so ashamed of himself for rising to the challenge his friends had presented – they had all thought it was great fun to stomp on those they considered "uncool", unworthy of their time and attention. But after Dora… Charlie just hadn't seen it the same way anymore.
After that, he'd decided to find some new friends. He'd also immersed himself more deeply in his studies, eventually becoming Head Boy, Quidditch Captain, the one everybody was proud of. But he'd always wondered what became of that girl. Had he ruined her life by his cruel words, his taunting laugher?
Now, as he looked back on it with new eyes, he realized that he'd managed to ruin his own life, too.
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Tonks buried her face in her pillow and sobbed what seemed like a thousand tears. Why? Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I have to fall in love with him?
After that disaster of a date, she had apparated back to Headquarters, cleaned out her room, and apparated to her flat in downtown London. She didn't care if Dumbledore wanted her at Grimmauld Place – she needed space, space away from Charlie.
Her eyes burned. Her heart ached. Why had she let herself get all worked up like that? Because you love him, that's why.
Fresh tears started down her cheeks. She had spent years perfecting her "new image", building a wall around herself – and then she had fallen in love with the one person she had wanted to avoid, the one who had sparked her transformation in the first place.
Part of her, the part that still felt like the shunned little girl, wished she had lied to him, told him a story that would have answered his question and squelched all others. But the other part of her knew that it wouldn't have lasted. Their relationship would be worthless if it was built on a lie.
What relationship? What makes you think he's still going to want to be with you now that he knows who you are?
Tonks felt restless. She hated that she had walked out on Charlie without a solid explanation. She wasn't usually so much of a coward. She hadn't been able to face him after admitting the truth, but he deserved better.
She forced herself off the bed and over to her desk. Rummaging through the drawers, she pulled out a piece of crumpled parchment and a quill, sat down, and began to write.
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Charlie paced. Back and forth, back and forth. Where is she? I have to find her, talk to her.
"Charlie?" His mother had entered the sitting room. "What's wrong? Where's Tonks?"
Still pacing, Charlie told her the whole story, sparing himself no humiliation. He closed his eyes, finishing with, "Now I don't know where she is," and waited for his mother to let him have it.
"Oh, Charlie," she breathed, pulling him into a hug. "I'm so sorry, Son."
"I messed up so badly, Mum. What if she won't let me talk to her? I can't just let her walk away – I need to see her. I need to explain."
His mother reached up and patted his cheek. "I'm sure she just needs time to think. Send her an owl, so she knows you haven't given up on her, and let her make the next move."
Charlie felt like he was grasping at straws, but it was the best idea he'd heard yet.
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Tonks crumpled up another piece of parchment and threw it into the fire. It was her third attempt at a letter, and her third failure. It seemed impossible to get everything in her heart onto a piece of parchment.
A tap at the window got her attention – a tawny owl was perched on the sill, a letter in its beak. Tonks jumped up and opened the window, snatching up the letter and tearing it open, reading hungrily.
Tonks,
Please forgive me. I regret my actions more than you'll ever know. I know you need time to think, but I haven't given up on us. Please come back.
Love, Charlie
Tonks dissolved into tears all over again.
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Dear Charlie,
I don't really know where to start. I'm sorry I walked out on you, but you're right. I need time and space.
I don't blame you – not at all. If anyone, I blame myself. I should have told you the truth in the beginning, but I was scared, terrified that if you knew, you wouldn't give me a chance to show you who I really am.
Maybe it was just happening too fast. Maybe we just weren't ready. Whatever the reason, I think we need to be away from each other – at least for a while.
I haven't given up on us either, Charlie, but I'm not ready to come back. Not yet. I'm sorry.
Love, Tonks
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A/N: Oooooh, a mini-cliffie! Haha! I haven't started chapter five yet, but if you give me pretty reviews, I just might get some inspiration!