Chapter 9
Doubts and Fears
Willow sat now in a comfy chintz armchair gazing around the wondrous room that was the office of Albus Dumbledore. The room was circular, and the walls were covered in even more portraits, of what Willow guessed were the previous headmasters and headmistresses of Hogwarts. The people were apparently asleep, but once or twice she was sure she saw one or two of them peeping through slanted eyes at her. Now and then there were odd tinkly noises from one of the interesting silver objects that were dotted around the room. Albus Dumbledore sat in front of Willow, behind his desk beaming at her, his un-missable blue eyes sparkling in the afternoon sunlight behind his glasses. Professor Snape had left them to talk, and half a cup of tea later they had both grown quiet. Willow itched to ask him all sorts of questions, but she just stirred her tea and admired the room.
"Well…Willow…" Dumbledore started, and Willow looked up. His eyes still sparkled, but they had dimmed somewhat, and he now stared in some direction to her left. She listened to what he had to say.
"You probably know quite a bit, from Remus Lupin…however I feel I should explain more. When I first met Rupert Giles some years ago, he had been an associate of Harry's father, James Potter. He was merely a face and a name, but over the years, as your friend Buffy became the slayer, Mr. Giles asked for books from us to help him with her training. We were only happy to oblige, we here at Hogwarts encourage the development of powers that can benefit the world… And so that is how I know him…" Dumbledore paused to take a sip of his tea, and then continued.
"It was only a few months ago that we lost Sirius Black…a very brave man. I blame myself…I should not have allowed him to be cooped up in Grimmauld Place for too long…did you know that the authorities were...and still are looking for Sirius Black?"
Dumbledore looked very mournful. Willow shook her head.
"He was wrongfully accused of crimes he did not commit, and escaped from our wizard prison, Azkaban some two or three years ago…unfortunately, evidence we need to prove his innocence is well…unavailable at the present time…but we hope things will change in the future."
Willow nodded. She was quite interested in this Black character. She'd not heard much about his past, and so continued to listen…
"You know about Harry's parents?" asked Dumbledore over his half moon spectacles. Willow smiled inwardly at the thought that he might take them off and clean them in a very Gilesy manner. She nodded in response. Dumbledore went on.
"Harry and Sirius did not spend much time together…Harry was where you are now as I tried my best to comfort him after the…incident. He was…devastated. And very confused…and I still don't think he has recovered fully from his loss…"
Willow remembered when she had lost Tara…and what had ensued from that. She felt she could relate to Harry, but still…she wasn't convinced. Dumbledore sensed her doubt and looked at her expectantly.
"He seems OK now…" she felt awful for saying it, but it was the truth. Dumbledore smiled a little.
"Yes…he's a very brave young man…he's been through too much already, and there is more to come. Which is the reason I agreed to this…I feel Harry isn't OK at all on the inside…and it's what inside that counts really, is it not?"
Dumbledore paused…and looked at her directly. Then, his features motionless…
"Willow…tell me what you feel. "
Willow looked up at him, and their eyes met.
"I'm scared. The magic…if it's too strong…" she shuddered at the thought.
Dumbledore thought for a moment.
"Willow. You came to England a few days ago…?"
She nodded. A small smile crept onto his face.
"Then a few days ago…when you agreed to come and do this for us…you knew in yourself that you could do it. I know you have struggled in the past. But you have come far since then. You have learnt from Giles, and from your mistakes. Your friends have faith in you. You must have faith in yourself. I believe you activated the rest of the slayers? That is very powerful magic Willow, and you did it. And you are here as pure as you were..."
Willow listened to his words and realised he was right in some way…she had finally agreed when Buffy had suggested that they do it for the same reason they had brought her back…because they needed her. Then she thought of something else…
"When I brought Buffy back…she came back from heaven…?"
Dumbledore sighed.
"Willow…I want to show you something. I think it may quell your fears about bringing Sirius back from a place he is happy in…"
Dumbledore rose, and walked over to a black cabinet that Willow had hardly taken any notice of. He took out of it a shallow stone basin glowing slivery white, and carried it over to his desk, placing it in front of her. Around the edge, Willow saw some runes and signs that she could not decipher, and so she looked at the bowl's contents. It was like looking into a river of fog…shining a brilliant white, and flickering into grey and silver hues, then dazzling silver…at first it appeared to be as soft as cloud, but the next moment it looked like swirling water…she could not tell exactly what it was. It was entrancing.
"This is a Pensieve…it is a place for me to store certain memories and thoughts…"
Willow looked up and saw Dumbledore place his wand to his head. Then he dragged the wand away, and what appeared to be one of his long silver hairs clung to his wand's tip. He placed it glistening into the bowl, and the face of a man appeared in the matter. It was man Willow had never seen before…he looked as though once upon a time he had been very attractive, but something had changed that…so that now he looked quite haunted. This was Sirius Black. He stared out at them before fading away. Dumbledore placed a hand on either side of the bowl and swirled it slightly…and another image appeared…
It was like seeing a birds-eye-view of a room…and in the room Willow could see a scene below her…a room where a battle was taking place. She looked up at Dumbledore. He stared down at her.
"Look closer Willow…" was all he said.
She did so, transfixed, trying to see the figures that were moving in the room…leaning closer, and closer, mesmerized, until the very tip of her nose touched the now glass like substance…where suddenly she felt herself pulled head first through, into the Pensieve with a great tilt…and she stood in the room where the fight was taking place. She was standing right in the very centre of the room on a dais…and on that, a little to her left, stood a crumbling stone archway…and a black tattered veil…the veil …seats rose tier by tier around her…and she turned to see what was going on…
It was a total fray. Figures were blurs, people in black, spells whizzing around her so close she almost had to duck. Willow looked around…and saw some people she recognised. There was Harry with a boy she did not know…and there was Remus, and on the floor…
"Tonks!!!" she cried seeing the witch immobile, sprawled on the ground.
Nobody moved. Nobody even turned to see where her voice came from. Apparently they could not see her. Either that or nobody was taking much notice…and so she stayed where she was, rooted to the spot…
"DUBBLEDORE!" shouted someone, the boy with Harry. Willow looked and saw Dumbledore rush down the stairs, not looking at all as friendly as he did a few moments ago in his office. The people in black called to one another and tried to flee, but Dumbledore stopped them. Very close to Willow, one last pair remained fighting. Sirius Black and a woman. An evil looking woman with sunken eyes…she vaguely resembled Sirius…
"Come on, you can do better than that!" he cried, his voice echoing eerily in Willow's ears. A bright jet of magic hit him right in his chest. Sirius' eyes widened, but his face still kept some of that jovial taunting pleasure he had been shouting to the woman only moments before. She turned briefly and saw Harry's face…he was running down the tiers to his godfather. Willow felt her heart break inside.
Willow turned back, in slow motion, sick heat rising in her stomach as she saw Sirius fall through the veil in a beautiful yet painfully lingering moment of death…the veil waved as though the wind had blown across it, and then it fell back into place…stationary…her gaze lingered on the veil…
The woman was screaming in triumph.
"SIRIUS!"
"There's nothing you can do, Harry-"
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"
"-it's too late Harry."
A hand gripped Willow's arm gently…
"We can still reach him-"
She heard Remus' last words, and her last image was the utter anguish on Harry's face…
"There's nothing you can do, Harry…nothing…he's gone."
All was black for a moment, and then slowly Willow felt herself stand upright again, as if she had flipped over very slowly. Dumbledore stood on her right watching her softly. Willow wiped her eyes with her sleeve…she didn't even remember beginning to cry. She turned to him, his blue eyes sparkling once again…and she nodded slowly.