Opposites Attract

A/N: I just had a dream one night that Timmy and Cartman were a couple, so naturally, I wrote about my disturbing thoughts. If you think I'm crazy for this, you're right, but review anyways?

Rude. Racist. Cold. Many words could describe Eric Cartman, most of which wouldn't be good ones. Right now he was flinging food at Kyle's head when he wasn't looking – or at least when Cartman thought he wasn't.

"Cartman, if you throw another carrot at me I'm going to kill you," Kyle snapped irritably, removing his green hat and shaking it behind him to knock off the assortment of food Cartman had launched on it. "Stop wasting your food Cartman, if you don't eat the entire pile on your tray you might not be the fat kid that we all know and hate."

"Ay! Stop calling me fat you stupid Jew!" Cartman looked for a moment like he was going to jump out of his chair and attack Kyle, but Stan threw a snacky cake at his head that had previously been on his own tray to distract him.

"Just eat your food and be happy," Stan said with a laugh as Timmy and Wendy went walking by. Stan didn't really care, he and Wendy had broken up a while back, and even though they weren't on the best terms they weren't enemies either.

"Oh, snacky cake? Get down...." Cartman broke off and began to eat the small cake. How he could fit so much food in his stomach without exploding marveled the entire 10th grade. Though as he noticed Wendy and Timmy, he frowned and a very cross look – even for Cartman – appeared on his face. "What's with Wendy and Timmy?"

"What'd you care? You haven't had a thing for Wendy since that time you and her had to work on the debate case about the South Park flag," Kyle said quickly, really curious what was going on. Cartman never cared about anyone, much less for girls.

Cartman flushed at the statement, and began to poke at his food, without another word. Silence was unusual for the fat boy, so Kyle, Stan, and Kenny stared at him surprised. "I think they're together, dude," Kenny said through his jacket, interested in the response that'd get, even though he was positive they were only friends.

"They are?" Cartman's eyes went round, ignoring what Kyle had said. Beneath the lunch table Cartman's fists clenched, but the bell to signal lunch was over rang before he could vent that anger on any of them. As the rest all stood up to leave, Cartman stayed sitting for a moment, and sighed with his gaze fixed on the ground.... No, he didn't have a thing for Wendy.

Chapter 1 - The Interest

Cartman laid in his bed after another pointless and dull day of school, staring at his ceiling. None of his friends of course knew his feelings, as you could tell by their reaction at the day's lunch, but there was just something about that boy. There was just something about Timmy that attracted Cartman to him, maybe it was the fact that they communicated so well?

Cartman flipped over onto his stomach as he continued to think, letting his mind wander to the amazing conversation they'd had during a class:

"Can I borrow a pencil, Timmy?"

"Timmay."

Yes, there was definitely something amazing about him, even if Cartman couldn't figure exactly what it was. Perhaps it was just how nice he was, how he always had the answer to problems, or even how he wore his hair.

Cartman sighed as he drifted into a happy dream which was compiled of little fat kids riding around in electric wheelchairs. Not that this was possible, but Cartman had his own fantasies just like anyone else. Suddenly someone was slapping his face, which jerked him back to the real world.

"Wake up, Fat Boy! We found out something that you might want to know!" Stan was sitting on Cartman's bed next to him, hitting his face over and over to get him up.

Cartman sat up in his bed, checking the clock quickly to see that it was 6:30. What was Stan doing here...? "I'm up, what'd you want?" Cartman asked crossly, noticing that Kyle and Kenny were also there, smug looks on their faces.

"I don't think he's awake," Kenny said through his parka, smacking Cartman too. Each of them laughed for a minute before Cartman kicked Kenny so hard he sent him flying into the wall.

"What do you want, you stupid hippies? I was asleep!" Cartman repeated angrily, staring at his 'friends' who had just ruined a perfectly good dream as far as he was concerned.

"Well, we were thinking over lunch...." Kyle started, sending a quick glance to Kenny to make sure he wasn't dead.

"–When we decided we'd help you get together with Wendy," Stan continued cheerfully, also looking at Kenny who was now standing up, assuring them he was okay.

"For a price," Kenny chipped in, but staying a safe distance from Cartman so he wouldn't feel like hitting him again. All of his extra weight did make attacks more painful.

Half horror-struck, half suspicious, Cartman glared at them, "Why would you want to help? Not that I want or need you loser's advice." Oh God, how could he get out of this? He did not under any circumstance want to be together with that ho, but he'd be questioned by his friends if he told them that. Being gay was the last thing they needed to find out about him.

"Because Wendy keeps trying to make me feel guilty for breaking up with her and I want her to leave me alone," Stan said, about to add more but Kyle put his hand over Stan's mouth to make him shut up. That was the main reason, obviously, but if they said that it seemed more selfish to Stan's problem.

"You're our friend, Cartman, why wouldn't we want to help?" Kyle said innocently, a wicked grin slowly creeping onto his face. "So, now all that's left to do is discuss the payment." Clearly they didn't suspect Cartman wouldn't want their expertise, so they were all staring at the boy struggling to find a way out of this.

"I – can – uh –"Cartman wasn't entirely sure what he was about to blubber on about, so he sighed, resigned to the worst. Wendy wouldn't even want to date him, but what if Timmy thought something of it? Cartman suddenly imagined Timmy in his mind, dating someone else, because Cartman hadn't cared enough.

"Yes, I'm with Timmy now! Sorry Cartman, everything doesn't always go the way you hope," Wendy giggled, sighing over the sweet, sassy boy.

"Timmay, Timmeh, Tim...." Timmy spoke happily as he smiled at the girl he'd fallen in love with.

No... that couldn't happen! Cartman started shaking slightly, unnoticed by the rest.

"CARTMAN! WE'RE TALKING TO YOU! How much are you going to pay us?" Stan demanded, breaking Cartman away from the nightmare in his own mind.

"Twenty bucks good?" Yep, he'd just lost any chance he'd ever had with being happy with the spectacular Timmy.