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TOXIC

Chapter 19

Running on Empty

everything changes

everything falls apart

can't stand to feel myself losing control

deep in my senses I know

that you're no good for me

 but you're the only one I see

~~Sarah McLachlan

The last few days had run together in a slow monotonous blur. Haley did her best to keep busy, stay out of everyone's way, anything to avoid her current situation and the fact that she frankly didn't know the first thing to do about handling it. She simply couldn't get over the impact a few simple words from one guy could have over her life.

Listlessly she wandered through the super market, her forearms resting on the bar of the shopping cart. She took a quick turn down the snack food isle, her eyes searching for the most delicious fattening, and ultimately satisfying food she could get her hands on.

When she turned the corner she saw Lucas grabbing a bags of Doritos and dutifully shoving them in his already full cart.

Haley puffed out a laugh and rolled her eyes as she came up beside him. "Why do I always run into you at the strangest places?"

Lucas looked up from his cart and gave Haley a soft smile. "Cause we live in a small town?"

"Or maybe it's fate," she teased, propping her hand up in the cart to rest her chin on.

Lucas shook his head and chuckled. "Then fate's really screwing with our heads, cause I know I'm not the one you want to be running into right now," he said, his tone turning more somber as he watched her expression turn serious.

Haley brushed off his comment and looked down at his cart. "What's with all the food? You guys having a party, or did you just suddenly develop a serious fetish for nacho cheese Doritos?"

"Personally I prefer Ranch, but it's Nathan's New Year's party so he gets to pick the food," Lucas stated, giving his cart the once over.

Haley gave him skeptical look. "So how did you get roped into shopping then, may I ask?"

Lucas shrugged his shoulders, with a crooked smile. "He won a game of horse."

Haley shook her head at the male mind. Semi-consoled by the fact that certain things like the Scott brothers and their unique problem solving skills would always be a constant.

"You should come tonight," Lucas offered with added conviction.

Haley tried not to laugh. "Are you joking?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"You were there the last time I was in your home right? You did see how badly that ended up right," Haley asked him in awe of his proposal. The thought of even stepping foot into the Scott abode, seeming more absurd than the aspect of actually seeing Nathan.

"So what? I guarantee you no one in that room even remember's what happened that night anyway. They're all way too drunk and self-absorbed for that."

Haley bit her bottom lip, feeling her heart lurch inside her chest. She softly shook her head. "I can't Luke....you know I can't."

"Because of Nate," he asked in a low tone, his eyes understanding.

"Mostly."

Lucas contemplated Haley's slumped figure, the way her eyes drooped, the dullness in her hair were the shine use to be. She looked so sad, so different from the open, happy, free-spirited Haley he'd known. The one he'd gotten a short glimpse of the first night he'd come back into town.

"What," Haley asked him bluntly, when she noticed his uncertain stare. His questioning look.

"What? What."

She squinted her eyes at him, and rested her hands on her hips. "You want to say something to me. I can tell. What is it?"

Lucas stood silent for a moment. Unsure of how to start, he let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know what happened with you and Nathan. And that's ok with me. But I do know your not happy Hales. And neither is he."

"What am I supposed to do with that," Haley said, a world of turmoil inside of her.

"I have no clue," he answered truthfully. "Maybe you should talk to him, or come see him."

"You've been talking to Brooke haven't you," she asked defensively.

"Yeah I have. Maybe you should too."

"Umm no thanks. Brooke has her way of doing things. I have mine, and the two will never meet. It's just a fact."

"So you're just going to what....not talk to her ever again?"

"Who knows.. Why does it matter to you," she argued.

"Because I care about you both. And I don't want to see you in pain."

Haley stayed silent in front of him, insecure of what to say. She could see that he was in an awkward situation, they all were. Which just made everything so much harder.

"What do you want me to say Lucas," Haley asked in frustration.

"That you'll try to come by tonight," Lucas stated, knowing that just seeing Nathan might help her. Even if she didn't believe it to be true.

"I told you I can't," she snapped at him, irritated that he was trying to force her into something like this.

Frustrated by her words and her attitude, Lucas let out an audible groan, and traipsed back to his own cart, gripping the handle with fervor.

"Fine," Lucas said to her flatly. "Go ahead and do what you want Haley. I don't care."

"Well thank you for your permission Luke," she bit out sarcastically.

He gave her one last look before he started down the isle, "Yeah.....see ya around Haley."

...................................

Haley waltzed into her apartment around 7:35 pm. She could vaguely hear someone in the bathroom blow-drying their hair as she walked into the kitchen and placed her plastic bags on the counter.

She began sorting the refrigerated goods from the cabinet foods, when she heard the blow dryer click off. Peyton came into the room a moment later. Her hair straightened, her eyes smoky, her lips red.

"Whoo-hoo sexy la-dy," Haley hollered as Peyton laughed and did a little twirl for her, careful not twist her ankle on her studded heals.

 "What are you doing tonight?"

"Going out with my man," Peyton said jokingly, grabbing her purse from the night-stand, and looking through it.

"Anywhere special," Haley asked, coming from the kitchen.

"Nope. Just to a party."

"Where," she asked curiously.

Haley watched as Peyton continued to rummage through her purse. Finally digging out a compact and flipping it open to check her make-up.

Peyton snapped the compact shut a second later, and looked up at Haley with a uneasy expression. "Uh. At Nathan's house."

"Oh," was her only reply.

Peyton quickly tried to deflect the conversation away from the negative. "So.....do you have to work tonight?"

"Actually no," Haley chuckled, "The one night out of the year that I don't have anything to do, and I don't get scheduled to work. Why does it always happen that way?"

"Because it's one life's great ironies," Peyton replied, zipping up her bag, and setting it back down on the table.

"Agreed," Haley laughed.

 Peyton chuckled to herself, and shook her head. "You should of offered to switch with Brooke. I think she whined all last week when she found out she had to work New Years. She's even making Luke come and hang out there with her until she gets off. Poor guy."

"Yeah, sitting in a club with you girlfriend on New Years Eve. That sure is torture," Haley mocked lightly.

Peyton's face turned serious, and she began messing with the strap of her purse again. "I'd ask you to come to the party with us but......"

"Why waste your breath," Haley finished honestly.

Peyton semi-shrugged and waited a beat before coming closer to her friend. She knew she needed to stop bull-shitting around the subject that was obviously the forerunner in all of their minds "You doing ok Hales," she asked quietly, her eyes staring deep into Haley's.

"Yeah I'm-I'm great," Haley forced out, shifting on her feet.

"You don't have to lie to me, you know?"

"I'm not. I'm fine really....I'll be fine. Don't worry about me Peyt."

"But I do worry about you Haley. When I see my two best friends fighting and not talking to each other. And I see you hurting like this.  I want to help but I don't know what to do. It's driving me crazy."

"I wish I could give you some answers but I don't have any," Haley uttered.

 Peyton wasn't so sure. "That's the thing. You act like you don't even care if any of this gets fixed."

"Why is it always my responsibility to fix everything? Maybe I wasn't the one who was wrong!"

"I'm not saying it's all your responsibility. I'm just saying that the Haley I know hated fighting with her friends. And she would've done anything in her power to try to fix it."

"Well I'm tired of always being the one to apologize first.  Being the one to have to clean up everyone else's mess. Maybe you can do it for awhile."

"This isn't my fight Haley. I'm not getting in the middle between you two."

"Oh that's a big surprise. You never do," she whipped back at her harshly.

Peyton knew she was in a losing battle. So instead of feeding the fire she simply grabbed her purse off the table, and headed to the door.

"You know what Haley? I don't have time for this. I gotta go meet Jake. Have a fun night," she said with defeat, before walking out he door.

Haley stared at the spot Peyton had been only a moment earlier, and suddenly felt so completely alone. How had she isolated everyone in her life that she cared about? It seemed like there should be an easy answer to a question like that. Something she could take out of the equation to fix the situation. But the only thing that she saw as a problem was her. Of course she could blame Nathan for her own hurt feelings, but not Brooke's, or Luke's, or even Peyton's. She'd done that all on her own.

Haley never wanted to be the kind of person that hurt other people. She never wanted to make people feel less than they were, because God knew she'd felt enough of that through out her own life. And she was starting to believe that maybe even Nathan, had done his share of feeling that way as well.

Still there was just so many questions when it came to the both them. How did he feel? What did he want? Who did he want? Haley's head hurt from the constant merry-go-round of thoughts that had been spinning around in her mind over the last month. She wanted everything to be clear again. Just to feel free again. And Nathan was that answer.

With much trepidation, Haley wondered into her room, and shed her clothes, picking out a more suitable outfit. She reapplied her makeup and fixed her hair, until everything set just right upon her face and body. She looked herself over in the mirror not particularly satisfied with the reflection staring back at her, but decided this was as good as it was going to get.

.............................

Thirty minutes later, Haley slowly made her way into the Scott abode, the very familiar feeling that she'd seen this scene once before, flashing through her mind.

"Yo, what's up Tutor giiiirrll? Want a drink?" an inebriated Tim yelled to her with a smile, the second she walked through the door.

Haley gave him a disdainful look, and searched the a room for more friendly face.

"Do you know were Nathan is," she asked dryly, when it was obvious to her that the large amount of people she'd have to waft through to find either Peyton or Jake, would be almost impossible.

Tim laughed, his face breaking into a wild smirk. "Why do you ask?"

"Because I need to talk to him," she answered condescendingly, looking around at the passing faces.

"About what," he pried.

"About none of your business," she scowled at him defensively.

"Well I guess we could come to an arrangement of some sorts," he slurred, with a lecherous smile. Coming up behind her to whisper in her ear. "You tell me why you have to talk to him , and I'll tell you where he is. Or you know you could just give me a—," Haley slapped her hand over Tim's mouth, her eyes squinted.

"You do not want to finish that sentence. I promise you."

Tim cowered at the veritable flames seeping through her eyes. "He's up in his room." He pointed the way.

"Thank you." Haley let her arm fall back to her side, and flashed a courteous smile, as she stepped away from Tim and into the crowd.

The closer she got to his door, the more she could feel her stomach tie it itself into knots.  She kept thinking that maybe her decision to come tonight was n't such a good idea after all.

She stood in front of his cherry wood door and stared at the gold doorknob. She had no clue what she was going to say or do once she went inside that room, and she was terrified to find out. She took in a breath of air, and closed her eyes, trying to find the strength to knock. She opened her eyes again, and felt just as lost as before.

This wasn't working, She needed some help. She needed some liquid courage.

Rushing back down the stairs Haley caught up with Tim in the kitchen and grabbed onto his shirt pulling him toward her.

"What," Tim looked at her strangely.

"Yeah about that drink....."

........................

Haley was on her fifth Screwdriver, by the time she realized she was ready to find Nathan. Quickly she jumped off the stool she was sitting on, and suddenly felt her stomach drop. Not a good feeling. Not a good feeling at all.

Need air first, she thought as she passed by the stairs and went onto the back porch. The cold winter air, floated in a white cloud in front of her face as she breathed in and out. Wrapping her arms around her thinly clothed covered arms Haley leaned back against the house, closed her eyes, and just appreciated the silence of the night, despite the bitter cold.

A soft rustle came from the opposite end of the porch, and Haley titled her head back to look at Nathan's lone figure sitting in one the metal chairs that adorned the porch.

"So you decided to show up after all. I don't whether I should be excited or annoyed," he replied curtly, his face devoid of any emotion.

Haley tried to think clearly through the fog her brain was creating. She moved closer to him. "I didn't come here to fight with you Nathan."

"Then why did you come," he asked, gulping back a swig of the drink he held in his hand.

It was an honest question. Haley wasn't sure  how to answer it.

Nathan got up from his chair indignantly and started to pass her back into the house.

"I wanted to see you....that's why came," she blurted out, causing him to stop mid step.

He turned around, a small smile on his lips. Haley watched as he came closer to her, his eyes searching hers. The overwhelming smell of alcohol mixing in the air between them.

Nathan leaned down slightly, his body hovering over hers, as he breathed in her in. "Is that right?"

Haley felt his hand come up and tenderly touch her cheek. The smooth callouses on his fingers grazing her skin, driving shivers through her body. She didn't know what she was doing. And when he touched her like that, she didn't want to care.

"We need to talk Nathan," she whispered against his hand.

Nathan's eyes grew heavy as he watched her lean into his touch. "We are talking," he mumbled, slipping his arms around her waist and bringing her to his body.

Haley instinctively let her body relax against his, as she arched her head back up to meet his gaze. For a moment they just stared at each other, really looked at each other for the first time. As if they were trying to read the others thoughts.

"Did you mean what you said the other night," Haley asked, breaking the silence.

Nathan kept his blue eyes locked on hers, "Yes," he murmured, leaning down farther. Haley didn't know if it was the alcohol taking over her mind or Nathan's body against her, but when he said that one little word she couldn't hold herself back any longer.

She crushed her lips to his, wrapping her arms around his neck. Nathan in turn pulled her body flush against his, enveloping her with his whole being. Their lips battled against each other, as their hands played softly against each other's face.

Haley let out a small moan when Nathan dropped his mouth down onto her neck, trailing heated feathered kisses against her skin. She dragged her hands through his hair, feeling the velvety texture slide through her fingers.

When Nathan pulled his mouth back up to hers, the impact of his kiss made Haley lose her footing, causing them both to fall back against the house. She felt her back slam against the brick wall, and winced in pain.

Nathan pulled away from her, his eyes more lust filled than before. "Come here," he lulled, taking her by the hand.

Haley did as he instructed and put her hand into his, as he led them back into the house. Everything seemed to swirl around her in a blur. Everything and everyone was moving in a slow hazy rhythmic motion.

When they made it upstairs the door to Nathan's room opened, and he drew her inside, shutting it behind him, and enrapturing her again.

"I want you now," he breathed into her ear kissing her passionately. Haley kissed him back with added fervor and let herself fall onto his bed, continuing to touch him all over. Helping her push herself farther back on the bed, Nathan began to undo the zipper on Haley's top.

While he was doing that, she began pulling one of his top shirts off, as he continued to rain kisses down upon her face neck and collarbone. She could feel her face become flush and her breath become rapid, as he rubbed his arousal against the inside of her thigh.

With an added amount of effort Nathan finally got the rest of her shirt undone, exposing her stomach and back laced bra. He looked down at her body for a second and then settled back on her face. Letting himself fall into her eyes.

Haley pulled him down for another searing kiss, her hands running up and down the muscles of his back.  She reached down and found the end of his t-shirt, grabbing the hem, and slowly pulling it up his bare back, so that she could see the ripples of his stomach.

Nathan moved away from her, and hurriedly yanked his top all the way off. Then quickly returning to her, he let his body meet hers, for the second time. He started to deepen the kiss he'd just began, when someone came through his closed door.

"Hey man do you know where th—," the words fell short on Vegas' mouth the instant he saw the couple laying on the bed.

Nathan and Haley both paused, staring back at  the intruder with open eyes.

Vegas tried to appear apologetic, but as he saw Haley his eyebrows quirked up and he squinted at her unbelieving. "Dude is that---?"

Nathan glanced back at to her and lowered his head for a split moment. "What do you want Vegas," he snapped out.

Vegas went serious. "Um nothin,' never mind."

"Then get the Hell out of my room."

Vegas nodded with another smile, and closed the door behind him quietly.  Nathan glared at the empty room in front of him and let his head fall back. "Shit."

Quietly he turned back toward Haley, who'd been watching him the entire time. The fog inside of her brain starting to lift.

"Sorry about that," he grumbled, as she sat up on the bed, using her arms to cover herself.

Haley heard the tone in his voice as the words left his mouth. The shame in his whole body was unmistakable. "Sorry about what? Getting interrupted? Or getting caught," she asked bluntly, beginning to put her shirt back on.

Nathan watched as she tried to get up off his bed. He grabbed her arm, "I didn't mean it like that."

"Yes you did. I can see it all over your face Nathan. You're ashamed to be with me........ You know what? I'm done. You're not worth this," she through out and saw him immediately flinch. Pulling  her arm free she stormed out of his room.

Nathan grabbed his t-shirt off the bed, and yanked it over his head, running after Haley down the hall. "Haley! Haley stop. Stop!"

She refused to listen to him, despite the yearning in her heart to do so. She made it to the end of the stairs, the noise of the party and bright lights jutting up from the darkness of the hallway.

Nathan caught her before she could step down. "I don't want it to be like this. Not with you," he said to her honestly. His heart open for her.

"This is so messed up. I can't so this anymore. I can't be around you anymore Nathan. All we do is hurt each other," she replied, as she felt the walls around her slip away. Haley wanted to see the good in Nathan, in what they could have together, but all she could see was the pain. She knew needed to get out there.

As Haley tired to move down the stairs Nathan pushed his way in front of her. His face pleading. "Don't leave like this please. I know you don't want to go. I know you want me, just as much as I want you."

"You don't want me Nathan," Haley countered. "You want what I can do for you. And that's sex.......You don't even know me. How the hell could you want me? You don't know my middle name, or how I got this scar on my elbow, or what my favorite movie is. You don't know that I've always wanted to eat in a 50's style diner, or go snow-boarding, or that I love to sing. You couldn't know that stuff, because we aren't friends, we're not even acquaintances, and were certainly not a couple. Those kinds pf people would know that about me. If you were boyfriend I wouldn't even have to ask what my favorite anything was, because you'd already know.  Because good boyfriend's pay attention to the important stuff........ But you're not my boyfriend, or even my friend. So how can you say you want me? When we both know all you want is sex. And for some reason doing it with me, when you know your friends and family don't approve gives you some kind of thrill. Well I'm sorry I don't want to be just another one of your fuck buddies Nathan. I'm better than that."

Nathan stood in awe of Haley's outpouring. "I don't want you to be my fuck buddy," he answered angrily.

"Then go down there right now and tell someone, anyone how you feel about me," she challenged him.

Nathan looked at her, and then down at the crowd below. He didn't move. He didn't speak. He looked away, and that was enough of an answer of her.

When she tried to leave this time, he let her, watching as she quietly floated down the staircase, and out of his house.

Haley didn't even realize what time it was when she made it back home that night. All she could see was the hall light come on the second she entered her apartment.

A groggy Brooke stepped out of her bedroom, and glanced at Haley's numb form by the door.

"What time is it," she asked rubbing at her eyes.

"I don't know," Haley replied numbly, staring at the ground.

Brooke could see that something wasn't right. "Haley, what's going on?"

"I knew it would be like this. I knew it would end this way. But I just........."

"What happened Brooke questioned with obvious concern.

Haley tried to bite back her emotions, as she connected eyes with her friend.  "I'm sorry Brooke. I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend, and that I hurt you, cause I never wanted to do that.  And I hate that I did. Can you forgive me?.......Please.....can we not fight anymore," Haley choked out with a sob.

Brooke could see her friend coming apart in front of her, and it broke her heart. She came up to Haley and pulled her into a tight hug. Haley let her head drop against Brooke's shoulder as the tears she'd been holding for so long finally began to fall.