A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry for the long update. My computer has been really wacky for me as of late, and I also had a problem with the disk that this chapter was on, and so it ended up getting erased. But all is well now, so please read on and enjoy!

Also if you have some free time, go check out the TANGLED WEB AWARDS at geocities.com and you can vote for me for Reader's Choice Vote. Or you can just read some more awesome OTH fanfic. Hope everyone has a fabulous day!!!!

TOXIC

Chapter 20

Finding What's Real

It had been a mistake, letting her walk out that door. Nathan knew that. He knew he should have said something to stop he, something to show her how he felt, that's all she was asking for after all. But he couldn't seem to find the words. A crippling mix of fear and pride prevented him from doing everything and anything, but the one thing he really wanted to do.

It was becoming almost like a pattern for him now. Find something good, and then completely screwing it up in every way possible. The more Nathan looked at himself recently the more he saw a person he didn't like anymore. He never wanted to be the guy who made girls cry, or shut out his friends, or sat in the background sullen and depressed. Yet that's exactly what he'd been doing lately, and it made him feel sick in the pit of his stomach. It was like the harder he tried to get away from becoming his father, the faster he did just that. And he knew if he continued on this path, he'd be just another broken man in the Scott lineage.

He didn't want to end up that lost in himself. That devoid of emotion and love. He didn't want to be that alone. Because Nathan knew despite the tons of people Dan Scott always had surrounding him, he was alone inside.  A fully grown man, alone and still afraid.

 The question was: How was a person supposed to change though? There was never a clear-cut answer, or a certain guide you could follow in trying to be a better man. It had to come from within, and Nathan didn't know if he had that kind of strength in him. Sure in the moment, laying in his bed and staring at the ceiling in the comfort of his own room, it all appeared so easy. But things are never as easy as they seem. Hell, Nathan had made such a colossal mess of pretty much everything in his life he didn't know where to start off first.

Desperately trying to fall back into the depths of sleep, and forget for a second how much damage he had created, Nathan close his eyes. He laid silently still, as the sun peeked through the bottom of his curtains. He knew sleep was an impossibility now that he'd woken up, yet like most things in his life he tried to fight against it.

With an exhausted groan he sat up, and looked at his wall clock, the time reading 7:55 a.m. This was the fifth day in a row he'd only gotten a few hours of sleep. He felt like an insomniac going to bed at five in the morning and the waking up at eight. Sleep was such a nice way of avoiding the world, and all it's problems. Yet he wasn't able to use that escape. Maybe it was his subconscious punishing him for his actions.  He didn't know.

What he did know, was that he couldn't sit around and think about school, or his life, or Haley anymore. All the mistakes and bad choices, he'd made felt like they were suffocating him. He didn't want to deal with any of it. He just wanted everything to fix itself.

And he knew it never would.

...................

Lucas let out a long yawn and as he made his way downstairs and into the kitchen for some breakfast. The house seemed deserted for the time being, which meant his parents had already gone off to work for the day. Leisurely Lucas headed over to the refrigerator and opened it up. He scanned the shelves in search of something, but wasn't satisfied with what was there. As he closed the refrigerator back up, Nathan came into the kitchen and quickly began busying himself.

"You're up early," Lucas mentioned, heading over to the pantry.

"I've got a meeting with my advisor today," he stated plainly.

"For Bayview?"

"Yeah."

"You want to get some food with me and Jake after you're done."

"Nah. I should probably hit the gym. Dad's been on my case again about my conditioning," he answered with disdain.

Lucas shook his head. "You've been at the gym every day this week man. Come on, take a break."

"Can't," he shrugged, simply, honestly, because he knew this was his responsibility.

Lucas could see the resolve on his brother's face, and chose not to fight it. He could tell Nathan needed time to figure things out. This whole situation with and Haley was obviously tearing him up inside. He didn't need an expert to tell him that. He felt for Nathan, and he wanted to help, but his brother never let people help him. Not outright anyway.

"Well if you change your mind, give me a call later," Lucas added friendly.

Nathan glanced up at the sibling he'd spent the better part of his life trying to compete with, and let a small grateful smile splay across his face. "Sure," he said, before gathering what he needed and going back the way he came.

...............................

The sun was warm against Haley's face, despite the cold as she peered down at the shops spread out before her. She cringed. "Why am I here," she groaned, waking in between Peyton and Brooke, as they roamed through the stores of a nearby strip mall.

"Because shopping soothes the soul, my friend," Brooke placated, rubbing Haley softly on the back as she simultaneously took noted of each cute item she wanted to back and try on.

Haley rolled her eyes. "No, ice cream soothes the soul Brooke. Double chocolate fudge ice cream to be exact."

"Trust me, after you slip on some sexy red tops and a great pair of jeans you'll see what I mean," she quipped, linking her arms with both girls.

Haley let Brooke lug her forward, and Peyton just laughed at Brooke's ability to be so chipper. The last few days had been draining to say the least. Haley had been a complete mess New Years Eve, and Peyton had come home early that morning to discover her two friends cuddled up on the living room couch. Brooke comforting Haley as best she could despite the tears. The following days hadn't gotten much better and it seemed that their first dual attempt to bring Haley back to the land of the living wasn't blooming with success either.

Brooke squealed at an outfit she saw in a passing window, and pulled Haley in the store with her, pulling Peyton out of her thoughts as she followed behind her grumpy friend. Going straight to the skirts, Brooke momentarily left her two friends behind for a quick breather.

"So what classes are you taking next semester," Peyton asked, trying to lighten the mood, when she noticed Haley's eyes drifting off again.

"Umm Advanced Calc, Ethics 104, Latin American History and Educational Psychology," Haley replied half-heartedly. She watched as Brooke skimmed through a rack of black skirts, taking a few off and then popping onto the next rack excitedly.

Peyton nodded. "Did you get David' for Ethics? Cause I heard he can be a real jackass."

"I think so. I'm not positive though......Did you make a decision on that art class yet," Haley switched the conversation away from her.

Peyton shrugged, and bit the side of her lip. "I don't know. Jake says I should wait if I'm not ready. My dad says there's no time like the present. I just don't know Haley. What if I'm not good enough?"

Haley smiled, and pulled a stray strand of hair out of her eyes. "I've seen your art work Peyton. Believe me.  You're good enough."

With another nod, Peyton smiled back at her friend with ease, as they continued to follow Brooke around the store in silence.

"Are either of you going to try anything on," Brooke called from across the store. Haley and Peyton both shook their heads no, and Brooke just rolled her eyes and waved them off, before she went into a nearby dressing room.

Haley mindlessly skimmed through a few racks, as Peyton followed behind her. "So this thing with you and Jake........"

"Is good," she replied with contentment. "I mean, I didn't plan on it, and I wasn't looking for it, but I guess that's when the most unexpected things happen right/"

Haley knew the truth of that statement probably better than anyone. "Yeah," she said, "they do."

Brooke came out of the dressing room a few minutes later and traveled toward the cashier, with a smaller pile that she had initially started with. Haley and Peyton waited near the front of the store, ready to leave.

"When does Jake leave for school," Haley asked off hand. Wanting anything to keep her mind off the obvious.

"On Sunday I think. I'm not ready for him to go back yet. Hell I'm not ready to go back yet."

"Go back where," Brooke asked coming up behind them two bags in hand.

"School," Haley supplied, walking ahead.

"Are you guys talking about school already? Give me break. We have four days left of freedom ok. No more talk of school, or boys or anything related all right? We're gonna have fun shopping, and doing girlie things dammit," Brooke declared, as all three girls walked together down the side walk.

Brooke went to move forward a minute later, when she felt a strange arm come around her waist and pull her back.

"Hey you," Lucas said, planting a peck on her lips, causing her to giggle.

Haley and Peyton noticing their lost companion turned around and watched the happy couple.

"Well that certainly didn't last long," Haley throughout.

"Didn't think it would anyway," Peyton added, and they both laughed.

"You think we can go home now that he's here," Haley whispered to Peyton, with a tight-lipped smile.

"I don't know. She might try to track us down. We better wait. "

"Damn, and I was really hoping this was my chance to get to go home," Haley mumbled, with a tried tone.

Peyton looked over at her friend and wrapped her arm around the petite girl's shoulder. "Come on Mary Sunshine lets get some of that ice cream you were talking about."

"Don't you want to go hang out with Jake?"

"What? And miss the doom and gloom?" Peyton squeezed her shoulder comfortingly.

Haley laughed, "Ice cream it is then. But you're paying," she pointed up with a teasing smile.

"Oh of course," Peyton replied, as they made their way down the block.

Brooke watched her friends traveling farther away and tried to pull out of Lucas's grasp. "What are you doing here?"

"Meeting Jake for lunch. You want to come with," he asked pulling her back toward him with a grin.

"I shouldn't. We're doing this whole shopping thing with Haley, and she needs us right now. Maybe tomorrow?"

Lucas looked down hesitantly. "Yeah, speaking of Haley. I was wondering if you could do me a favor?"

"Like what?"

"Like....possibly talk to Nathan for me," Lucas asked, sticking his hand in his pockets.

Brooke shook her head vigorously. "I am not, let me repeat NOT, getting involved here. No,. no, and no.

"Please Brooke. I need your help. I don't know what to do," Lucas plead to her and Brooke was confused.

Her eyes opened wide. "I don't get it. You guys have never been that close. Why the Hell do you want me to talk to him now?"

He sucked in a breath of air, and clamped his mouth shut, and then opened it slowly. "Because he's really hurting."

"Well cry me a river."

"I'm serious. I've never seen him this fucked up about anything. Especially a girl. He's spiraling."

Brooke gave Lucas an irritated look. "So Satan Jr. actually has a conscience. Are we suppose to pity him now?"

"No."

"Then what Lucas? What do you want me to do? Cause right now I could give a shit whether he's hurting or not," Brooke said with conviction, taking some of her aggression for Nathan out on Lucas.

And Lucas could see where Brooke was coming from; he felt bad for asking putting his girlfriend in this position. But he also knew that Brooke was one of the most honest people he'd ever met. She could put people in their place, and tell them like it is. He wasn't going to push though. It was her choice, and as much as he was use to getting his way, this time, Lucas wanted to be the bigger man and let her make it.

With a soft kiss to the side of her cheek, Lucas gave Brooke a solemn smile, and looked down at his watch realizing he was already late. "I don't want to fight with you about this. If you don't want to talk to him, then don't. But think about it all right? I'll give ya call tomorrow."

Brooke gave him a nod, and watched as he turned around and went down the block the opposite way, the whole time wondering how either of the Scott men had managed to worm their way into her life, and this time into her heart.

...............................

It was later that afternoon as Lucas was pulling back up into his parents drive way that he saw Nathan, Tim, and Vegas packing boxes of food and alcohol into the back of Nathan's black SUV. Lucas jumped out of his own car and went over to where Nathan was standing by his trunk, situating the boxes.

"What's going on," he asked.

Nathan stayed busy, not spearing his brother a look. "I'm taking a few things over to the beach house tonight."

"For what?"

"For a par-tay," Tim announced loudly, shoving another box in the back, where an open space had been made.

Lucas chose not to grant Tim any attention, and instead turned toward Nathan. "You just had a party on Monday man."

"So," Nathan said, as if it was the most normal behavior ever.

"So don't you think you're going a little overboard?"

"Not really," he replied, moving back toward the house, semi-ignoring his brother.

Lucas followed him in frustration, and watched as Nathan went into the kitchen, picked up a huge case of beer, and began traveling back outside to his car. "Do you think drinking is really gonna help fix your life right now," he asked frankly.

Nathan knew he was right, but didn't want to listen to Lucas of all people try to tell him what to do. Not today. "Probably not, but it sure as Hell makes it more interesting," he replied, blowing his brother off.

Lucas tired to say something else, but was at a total loss for words. If Nathan wanted to self destruct, he couldn't stop him. In the end he had to make his own choices, his own mistakes. Lucas watched as Nathan and the other boys jumped into his SUV and sped out of the drive way, onto the street, and down the block, before he could even blink his eyes.

.........................

Tim, Vegas and Nathan wandered through the isles of K-Mart haphazardly, talking and laughing about their plans for their party. They decided to make a quick stop in front of the condoms, before moving onto the alcohol.

"So what do you think man, regular or ribbed," Vegas asked thumbing through the boxes.

"Dude I don't care, just pick something," Nathan muttered, resting his arms on the front of the grocery cart.

Tim stood still debating, tapping his foot lightly on the ground. Nathan watched him in irritation for a moment, and then snapped. "Hurry up," he ground out.

"Ok....here, got it," Tim grabbed the same thing Vegas had chosen only moments earlier, and turned to face him. When Brooke came around the corner an instant later, she gave all three boys a disinterred glance, but didn't move forward.

"Hey Brooke," Tim squeaked out, giving her what he probably thought was a sexy smile.

Brooke didn't acknowledge his greeting simply glared at Nathan. "I need to talk to you," she bit out, waiting for a response.

"What, are you stalking me now," Nathan asked with a sardonic laugh.

"Only in your dreams baby," she replied with an edge to her voice that showed no humor.

Nathan tried to brush her off and move forward but she grabbed onto his arm, and looked up at him with malignant eyes. "But like I said before. I need to talk to you......ALONE," she enunciated her last word, looking at the other two boys expectantly.

"I'm busy Brooke," Nathan answered with irritation.

"That's all very nice and well Nathan, and I'll let you get back to perusing the prophylactic isle as soon as we talk."

Nathan knew she was never going to let him go, before she said her peace, and to be honest he was in no mood to argue. "Get the beer man, I 'll meet you in the front."

Vegas gave him a heads up and made his way down the isle and out of sight, leaving an oblivious Tim watching them. In a last ditch effort to make Tim get a clue, Brooke snatched his box of Trojans from his hand and held them in front of him waving it back and forth. "Here, here doggie, go fetch," she taunted, throwing the box down to the end of the isle with a smirk.

Tim looked to Nathan for help, but got none, and so simply looked at Brooke with contempt, raising his hand up and flipping her off as he passed her.

"Yeah, love you to babe," she sing-songed, watching him leave.

Nathan observed their little interaction with mild amusement, turning back to the condoms once he lost interest.

"Nathan.......NATHAN," Brooke yelled, at him to get his attention when he failed to heed to her calling, she smacked him on the back of the head, hard.

"Oww," he cried out, rubbing his shoulder. "Jesus Christ. What do you want Brooke? I'm trying to buy condoms here," he lied.

"And for what purpose exactly?"

The urge to attack her with a nasty comeback was overwhelming, but he didn't want to deal with a more pissed off Brooke than he already had now, so he let it go. "None of your damn business," he turned to face her straight on. The familiar feeling of how they used to argue before hit him, and he suddenly wondered why they'd spent so much time in a relationship they were never happy in.

"Actually it is. And if you'd been paying the slightest amount of attention to this current chaos you've dragged us all into then you'd know it definitely is my business," she countered fiercely.

"Oh and why is that," Nathan asked.

"Because you're fucking with my best friend Nathan and I'm sick of it. You need to decide what you want to do and now."

Nathan could see that she was out for blood, and right then he didn't think he could handle another person in his life telling him how much of a screw up he really was.  He couldn't tell Brooke that though. He didn't know how, and so he did the only thing he knew was safe, and that was to walk away. "Get a life Brooke."

Brooke watched as Nathan started down the isle, letting him make it half down before she spoke. "Are you happy Nathan? I mean really, truly happy?"

"What does it matter to you," he asked, stopping where he stood, but refusing to turn around and face her.

"Honestly, it doesn't. Because I don't care what happens to you. But you know who does? Haley. And so I'm going to let you in on a little secret."

"Oh please tell me quick," Nathan looked at Brooke and laughed in a mocking tone. "I can't handle the suspense."

She couldn't believe the audacity of him. She couldn't understand what Haley ever saw in him, what she ever saw in him. Brooke wanted to believe that there was some good in Nathan. That this act that he put on really was just a defense mechanism to keep people out, but right now she wasn't so sure. "You really do deserve all the shit you bring upon yourself Nathan. No wonder you hate your life so much."

"Whatever Brooke, I'll see ya later," he started to move away again.

"If you want to leave and go be with all the other snotty little bitches like yourself then fine. But I suggest you listen and learn. Haley cares about you. And for some un-god-known reason she wants to be with you, and that gives you power Nathan. Whether you know it or not, because if there's one thing I've learned about Haley it's that if she loves you. You can destroy her. Time to quit playing around Nate," Brooke finished, walking passed him down the isle and out of the store.