Disclaimer: Technically these are not my characters. Well, Kaci is… but… you know what I mean. I don't own Trek.
Author's Note: Thank you to my beta readers… you guys have no idea how much I appreciate this. Yes… I know this is kind of short… and it may not seem to make sense… but please have faith. Oh, and review, please. Thanks.
Chapter 9: Faith
Parallax (n): an apparent change in an object's position due to a change in the observer's position.
– Collins Paperback Dictionary
"If you knew the time as well as I do, you wouldn't be talking about wasting it..."
– The Mad Hatter
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Give me the courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference….
– Serenity Prayer
She watched them stare in shock – not one of them capable of reconciling this act of pure insanity to the reality they inhabited. They could not comprehend a thing they would not do, were unable to step into the head of the Other and realise that they were not the sole possessors of truth.
For herself: either Commander Tucker was alive, at which point she could best help him by doing her job… or he was not, at which point she could be most useful by doing her job. You learned that living away from the sanitized world of supermarket steaks and pre-packaged meals: life requires death, and even the most unpleasant tasks must still be accomplished. Anxiety accomplished nothing – it only hindered and destroyed.
She turned to leave, unnoticed by anyone. She did not need notice, so she rarely received it. Even Commander Tucker – the first person here to truly see her – lost track of her if he didn't concentrate. His notice didn't surprise her, however, for he too was a denizen of the shadowworld – of the place beyond the margins. Reluctantly, perhaps, and eager to hide his citizenship, but he hailed from here nonetheless.
She returned to the second turbolift. It made sense to begin here, to restore fast travel to the other locations she would need to go. She began testing the circuits – sending trickle charges down to determine which functioned and which did not.
"How can you do that?" A harsh voice by her ear tried to interrupt her. The faux-Archer grabbed her arm and shook her.
She looked at him, saying nothing. He grew angrier, his fingers digging into her flesh. "He could be hurt and you're doing ship repairs! How can you?" He shook her again, then let her go.
Released, she returned to the task at hand. His leaving upsets you… yet he was never yours to lose. She could feel his pain and frustration but couldn't understand it. You feel helpless, like there is nothing you can do. But when there is nothing you can do, you must do what you can. Most people – like this Archer, like Commander Tucker – seemed to think that if you couldn't do the big things then there was no point. Commander Tucker understood, though, that sometimes it was best just to do the little things.
And that was one of the things that drove other people insane as they tried to understand Commander Tucker, one of the things that didn't bother Kaci in the least. He is Contradiction and Contrariwise. Not just to other people, but to himself. You fear being alone… but would choose exile over compromise. You would die, even kill for those you love… but will not allow them to love you, for fear that they would die or need to kill. It showed in the details of his life: he worked with cutting edge technology but held an innate fondness for antiques. He craved stability, but chose a life which guaranteed none. His open personality allowed him to stay closed off… and no one ever suspected. This Other-Archer could not grasp that… unable to reconcile a man afraid of heights with one who scaled cliffs. Even Commander Tucker could not do it: he could not bring together the Romantic and the Realist… even as he lived it.
Your friend understands. 'Shades of Grey…' how many people didn't see that there were no opposites… even white and black were merely different shades of grey? That because you were one thing did not mean that you could not be another. My family is not wrong. Nor were they wholly right, but – like everyone and everything – somewhere in between.
This Not-Archer hovered over her, unaware of the strength of his tension and worry. You've grown fond of him, in these short hours, and of the bond you do not share. Most would term it 'ironic' that lack of closeness deepened the loss. But it means that there is no freedom to balance that loss. There is no memory to cushion the might-have-beens.
If he is lost. There were ways to determine for sure, certainly, but they would waste time. And Different-Archer's fears were unfounded. Commander Tucker would not be lying broken and bleeding… the math argued against it. Miracles do not come because we wish them… miracles came with need, and with effort. And Death did not mean the cessation of Life… just as Life did not mean the cessation of Death. If he needs our help… we must be able to provide it. But you cannot be certain you know what kind of help he needs, or even wants.
Despite his fear and pain, Kaci felt no need to comfort this Variant-Archer… not because of his hostility, but because he had no need of comfort. He might want it… want reassurance, want to believe in the easy things… but he needed to learn to face hard and unwanted truths. So hard for these men and women of control to accept that they could not. Not in a world where even time was subject to manipulation… but time, fate and history were quicksilver: these attempts to cling too tightly only hastened it out of confinement.
She watched him in reflection, the captain so not a captain. You worry, but the Captain would be angry. You are angry, but the Captain would worry. But he would not hover, because he knew his friend – as much as he might – and was willing to give him trust… even though Commander Tucker fears that trust is broken. They were mirror twins – the captain and the commander – one younger, one older, but with the same mixture of fire and ice – of impetuosity and strategy. Their friendship thrived and foundered on their similarities, not their differences.
"We should help him." Alternate-Archer couldn't handle the silence – he needed it filled.
With what? If Commander Tucker was alive and wished their help, he would ask for it. If he wasn't, then there was nothing they could help him with, and if he was but didn't want their assistance, then they would only be in the way.
You, too, are Contradiction. You call yourself 'captain', but need someone else to lead the way. There was no bitterness or condescension in the thought; it was merely a fact. Archer would not be here, he would have climbed – if not jumped – down in search of his friend. He would not need me… though that does not mean he is stronger. Therein lay a difference between Commander Tucker and the one he idolized: Archer saw the need for assistance as a weakness… and Commander Tucker was beginning to.
Contrariwise. She pulled out a circuit board and examined it. Some pieces were usable, and some were not. She began removing the damaged components – even here, where they could manufacture the entire board anew, she felt no reason to waste what was good. You crave independence… yet mould yourself on other people. Kaci could feel the scared, shy little boy that still lurked inside the man… the man modelled on the long dead girl. You are all she used to be…you made yourself into your memory of her. And now… with someone else to admire, he sought to remake himself again.
She glanced over at non-Archer, as he paced the hallway. So similar in appearance, and so different from the one she knew as captain. You fear… you fear and worry about losing him… and Archer does not know how close he came.
A single short week ago… she'd felt the pain coming off him in waves, but had known there was no way to stop it. He would not have welcomed help… because Captain Archer saw the need for help as a weakness and Commander Tucker felt he had fallen enough in the captain's esteem – and that small drop had been too much for him to handle. She knew what he could not admit: that his greatest fear was not loneliness or even the dark shadows of insanity… but of causing disappointment. That was why he kept himself lonely… because he feared that if anyone cared for him, they would be hurt. You do not feel you can ever live up to what is expected of you… you hold yourself up to standards you would never apply to another. You are quick to offer forgiveness – but slow to understand that you may be forgiven. And you will forgive anyone except yourself.
And that was something that the captain came to learn from the commander: that odd double standard of self-perfectionism and leniency for anybody else. No forgiveness for the mirror-twin, though… instead he sought to mould him to a more perfect image.
But Commander Tucker needs no moulding. He could be impulsive – true – but then so could the Captain. And we are who we are… it has a purpose.
"Why would he… how could he… how could anyone?" Other-Archer moved in beside her again. "And why like that? If he was so scared…"
Because sometimes a creature wishes to end its pain. If Commander Tucker had killed himself, that would be his reason why. He does not try to spite…he would not sacrifice himself to that deity. But she knew why this man could not understand. No one could understand how simple and logical it could seem – how calmly and rationally such a decision could be made. No one could understand, unless they had faced that decision themselves. And few understood how it could even be a decision.
But Life and Death are not ours to control. She had learned that lesson with her own failure. There had been no lack of will, but there had been no escape either. As for his method… that last piece of control. If you fear not death… then what else is there to fear?
"Can you please…" Different-Archer looked at her, desperate for reassurance.
"Atonement." Another thing that Captain Archer did not understand. You seek to make him responsible… but he is more responsible than you are. Archer – no matter which Archer – saw only the recklessness, the thoughtlessness that came before. He remained somehow blind that it was not in the before, but in the after that Commander Tucker's devotion to Accountability lay. He does not deny his blame… or seek to excuse himself.
"Atonement?" Alter-Archer was confused. "Atonement for what? What has he done that's so bad…"
She didn't answer again. I do not know his thoughts. She knew his conflicts, and his pain… she knew his struggles and his darkness and his light, but she did not know his mind. That is not my gift and curse. But Commander Tucker was not one for unpaid debts.
He is Mercury. Quicksilver. Hard to confine, and even harder to define – for he changed with every situation. Mercury – for years known as a cure – could be a one-way trip into madness. Contrariwise. You fear it so much that you may take yourself there. But not yet… she had seen no madness in those eyes – merely pain and anger. You are mad, but you are not mad.
The panel lit up under her fingers. She entered a code and listened to the sound of the lift rising to meet them. It might still be electrified… but that was something she could check when it got here.
The doors opened and the scanner revealed no trace of the earlier trap. She stepped inside, and the doors remained open as though waiting for Other-Archer to follow.
After a moment's hesitation, he followed her and the doors slid shut behind him. "I don't like this. There's something about this…"
There is nothing about this. The lift began to move, though neither of them had touched the controls.
"Not again." Not-Archer closed his eyes, his body tensing. "This is not happening again. Is there nothing we can control around here?"
Yes. But it is a skill you have not mastered. People spoke of free will as though they were the only acting force in the universe. But nothing is absolute.
A memory of her own came back: a rare conversation with a Vulcan instructor. "But do not people claim that God is absolute? If that is true, than how can you say that all things have limits?"
"Nothing is absolute," she repeated, "there are exceptions to everything." He had not understood, thinking she claimed limits on God, on the universe. But can you not believe that the exception is God?
She doubted – however – that God acted alone in this instance. There was no miracle in the self-directed turbolift – it was a thing easily enough accomplished by man. But until they knew which man, and for what purpose… It might prove unwise to try and change it. My parents are not wrong. A great number of mankind's problems lay in the hubris of trying to control everything. The inability to accept, the need to manipulate. Nor was her family right, for temptation lay not within the machines, but within the people who used them, and temptation could be resisted – resisted to the point where it became unthinkable. The machines will not go away. We must accept them as we accept everything else.
The lift stopped on C-Deck at the closest entrance to sickbay. The doors slid open and remained that way while Non-Archer hung back. Finally Kaci stepped forward, past the captain who was not and headed where she now knew they were needed. A few seconds later Different-Archer pulled up beside her. "What's going on? What are you doing? I knew we shouldn't have trusted you…"
Then do not. Coming up to meet them was the contingent of the future, anger on every face but one where enlightenment was beginning to dawn. Sisko – who knew about faith, and could guess what lay behind the frosted windows in front of them.
The door slid open to reveal a single figure sitting on a biobed and studying a set of pads. His right arm rested limply in his lap, the shoulder completely out of alignment and the fingers splayed at unnatural angles. She sensed smugness and weariness from him, and the collective shock of those around her.
He looked up, amusement glinting in his blackened blue eyes. "'Bout time you got here… how long does it take you guys to figure things out, anyway?"