chapter 3
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the green-eyed monster
Gilderoy Lockhart was whistling as he strolled down the streets, bouncing a little on every other step he took. The alley was decidedly dim and gritty, but well worth it for the story he had gotten. Fighting werewolves. That always made for a great heroic adventure.
He was still careful not to touch any surface and held his robes up a little so they wouldn't sweep on the ground and the hems wouldn't get soiled. He had paid a good sum of galleons for this set of lovely cerulean blue robes, and by Merlin, he was not about to let them get filthy!
Gilderoy stopped scrunching his nose as he walked, as his thought faded from the junk that lined the alleys to happier things, like how in a few minutes he'd be at his comfortable apartment and would be able to wrap his hair into curlers for the night. Smiling contentedly once again, he continued down the alley to where there was a nice Apparating point – very clear of distractions and he'd also be able to Apparate right by his home –
There was a sudden whimper in the clear, cool air of the night, and Gilderoy stopped in his tracks. Oh, no! he thought frantically, his bodily functions becoming nonexistent in an extremely short span of time. Danger! What do I do, what do I do? He paused to ponder the answer for only a moment before he found the best one: Run.
So he did, and he ran at a fast pace, as well – quite the feat for one running while holding his robes up so the hems wouldn't get messy, Gilderoy thought proudly. After dodging into another alley, Gilderoy stopped again, pressing himself close to the wall, trying to calm his breathing, as he strained to listen clearly. If he heard that whimper again, he had to make sure he was far enough –
"Mrrr!"
He heard it! Gilderoy leaned out into the main alley, looking back in the direction he had come from. Hadn't the sound been further away before…?
"Mrrrrrr!"
Gilderoy froze. The sound was awfully close by….
Slowly, he turned.
There was nothing there.
Without knowing that he had been holding a breath, Gilderoy released it and gulped down air. He smiled (very charmingly) to himself and slouched against the wall, resting for a moment before he felt a sharp kick to his shins.
"MRRRR!"
Looking down, all Gilderoy saw was a pair of large green jewel looking in his direction before screaming shrilly and backing out of the interstice. Unfortunately, he forgot to hold up his robes and tripped over them while doing so, flat on his behind.
His eyes were wide with horror as he trembled, looking fearfully into the abyss, watching as what would become the object of his doom was slowly approaching. He shut his eyes tight and began to pray his final prayer, one he had composed and memorized just in case such a time to use it had ever arisen. Before he could recite it to himself, he felt another sharp pain race through his other shin.
"MRRRR!"
"Please don't kill me," he wailed miserably, still not looking. He tried to get up from his sitting position, but instead fell on his back and rolled over, trying very hard to imitate those animals – ostriches, were they? – by burying his head firmly into the earth. Sadly, it didn't work – although not for lack of trying. Gilderoy certainly felt dazed by the last time he tried to dig his head into the ground to hide from the green-eyed monster.
Eventually (after seven minutes or so), Gilderoy gave up on this tactic. After getting too dizzy to raise his head again, he went back to whimpering. He wasn't looking, but a moment later he felt something pet his head awkwardly.
"NOOO," he bawled, bursting out into a fresh new wave of sobs, "anything but the hair…."
"Mrrrr?"
"Please, not the hair…."
"Mrrr…."
After another few seconds (three minutes) of silence, Gilderoy heard what sounded like an exasperated "Mrrr!" as he felt something wallop him in the shoulder.
"Ow!"
"MRR!"
Gilderoy stayed still again, not knowing how to reply, and still smarting from the kick to his shoulder. He had finally calmed his breathing, although still trembling, and was now hoping his death would be easy and swift. After a moment though, his thoughts wandered, and he indignantly dismissed the notion that the monster wouldn't be careful while killing him, so as not to mar his features. He was just too good-looking for anyone to do that, even a stupid little monster that lived in an alleyway and wailed "mrrr" over and over again!
He felt and heard something plop down next to him, and heard a slight sniffling sound. "Mrrr," came the piteous wail.
Gilderoy froze again. Was this the ritual performed before being eaten? He stayed still pondering what this sniffling sound was, not realizing that he fell asleep at one point. Waking up, Gilderoy found that the sniffling sound was gone, but he could still feel someone near him, shifting and restless.
Gathering up the last of his courage, feeling that monster or no monster, it was simply taking too long to get eaten – he opened his eyes and warily turned around.
To his utter surprise, Gilderoy found himself staring not at a monster, but a little boy, sitting beside him with a rather frustrated expression upon his childishly graceful features, his hands bound behind his back and his feet together by a thick rope, his mouth tightly covered with a strip of black cloth.
Peering closer, Gilderoy was appalled to find that anyone had wasted such good robe material to gag someone. The material was much better put to use as the lining of an Aora designer cloak –
"Mrr!"
Oh yes, the child. Gilderoy, wobbling, sat up and undid the binds on the child.
"Thank you," the little boy said politely, his green eyes shining up at Gilderoy with gratitude. He suddenly looked sheepish. "Er… 'm sowee if I scared you…."
"You'd do well to be sorry," Gilderoy said indignantly to the child, "I messed up my hair and got dirt all over myself because of you!"
"Sorry," the child repeated meekly. There was a moment of silence before a pink tinge lit the child's dirty cheeks and he bit his lip slightly, fighting a smile.
"What?" Gilderoy asked irritably, trying to pat his hair down.
The little boy giggled shyly. "You're funny." At Gilderoy's bewildered expression, he grinned up in a silly fashion, and imitating Gilderoy's earlier panicked tone, quoted, " 'Nooo, not the hair! Anything but the hair!' "
Gilderoy stared at the child before giving a hearty laugh. "I know, I know," he said, sounding pompously proud of himself, "it was very brave of me to defend my hair, wasn't it?"
Now Gilderoy was laughing as the little boy watched with a rather blank look on his face. The child didn't really find anything brave about the man's actions; rather, he was becoming more and more convinced that this man was one of those crazy people that his uncle had always been ranting about.
"So!" Gilderoy said, once he was done congratulating himself on his true courage, "where to, my boy?"
"Er," the child replied, very uncertainly twisting the edges of his sleeves. "I dunno…."
"Excuse me?"
"My new 'sitter came to get me," the boy said, his big eyes looking up.
"And then?" Gilderoy prompted when the boy said nothing more.
"Umm, he brought me here and said…he said…"
"Yes?"
"I was a nap…napped. And I was gonna be sac – cry…cried to the worstest person in all of EDERNIDY!"
Gilderoy stared blankly for a moment before remembering that the child couldn't have been older than four, and thought for a moment, before he corrected the child's sentence. "You mean he said you were kidnapped, and would be sacrificed to the evilest dark lord of all eternity."
The little boy shrugged, figuring it all meant the same thing.
"Oh. Well then." Gilderoy took in all this information, making sure that he had a concerned look to him as he listened to the poor boy's story. When the boy was done, and he had processed the happenings, he nodded a few times, before standing and dusting himself off. "Well, that's awfully sad m' boy. Hope you find your way back." He started walking up the alleyway, where the Apparation point was, glancing at his watch. He'd lost an hour of his revitalizing sleep! And all this grime would take hours of scrubbing to get out….
The sound of softly pattering feet behind him, and a small hand tugged at his cerulean blue robes. "Um, mister…I dunno the way home. Can I come wid you, till I find home?"
Gilderoy paused, in deep thought. Having a child around would mean less time for him. It would mean taking care of a child. The thought itself had horrible implications rolling around in Gilderoy's mind.
But…taking in a poor, lost little child was what heroes did, right? It showed they were all merciful and sympathetic and caring, and all those things that women seemed to swoon over, qualities all good gentlemen seemed to have.
"I'll be good, I swear!"
Those big green eyes bored into him.
Gilderoy sighed.
the green-eyed monster
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end
Author's Notes: Thanks to all the reviewers. My deep apologies and regrets – this chapter wasn't very funny. Oh well, I tried. Hope you liked it anyway. Happy new year!
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~ Jedi Cosmos ~