CHAPTER ONE

Interviews and Torture

When a possible employer asks you what your previous occupations were, do NOT tell him you were once a thief and a top-notch assassin in Makai. You will promptly be thrown out of his office, and any chance of getting a job with that particular employer goes down the drain instantly.

"YOU TOLD HIM WHAT?!" Shadow screamed. Hiei flinched.

"I just told the truth. You told me to," he said.

"Well I thought you'd have enough sense to lie about something like that!"

"You told me not to! I don't know much about getting jobs in Ningenkai! I've never done it before!" Hiei snapped. "I don't see why I need to be the one to get a job anyway. Why can't you?!"

"Because I'm fifteen!"

"So?"

"Calm down, both of you!" Kurama ordered, stepping between the two. "Shadow, why is it you need Hiei to get a job, anyway?"

"Because I need money, and since I'm fifteen, I don't think too many employers are willing to hire a fifteen-year-old girl and pay her decent wages. Not like very many want to hire a short dude with anti-grav hair, either, but at least he looks older than fifteen!"

"What are you wanting this money for?"

"I want to improve my house. Our house, technically, since Hiei lives there too. And I want money acquired legally, if you don't mind," Shadow said.

"First off, how can you improve that house? It's a mansion already; we've got four or five bathrooms, about ten or twelve bedrooms, a huge basement capable of fitting four or ten elephants comfortably inside, an attic that's just as nice as any other room in the house, and it's got acres upon acres of land surrounding it. How can you improve that?!" Hiei snapped.

"Well first, I was thinking something like getting air conditioning, being as all week it's been above 80 degrees, and it's supposed to get hotter next week, and I might be half breed fire demon, but I can't stand miserable humid heat like that! Second, I thought it'd be nice to have a swimming pool... Maybe in-ground... Something nice, you know?"

Kurama and Hiei stared at her like she was a giant radioactive hamster with 6-inch fangs and an uncanny lust for human flesh.

"Uh... and... er... second... Since when did you care about the methods used to get money to you?" Hiei asked, trying to snap out of his stunned silence. "You bought that house with money from a stolen item, so why not improve it with stolen-item-money?"

"Because, first, I'd have to ask Youko for the item, and you know what'd he'd do? 'Why should I help you? What've you ever done for me?'" Shadow imitated in a snotty voice. Kurama quirked an eyebrow. "And second, because who says Kurama has any more stolen treasures he could sell in Ningenkai? They probably all have freaky powers and would turn the first human to touch it into a goldfish!"

"Yeah right!" Hiei snapped. "Did you ask him yet?"

"No."

Hiei and Shadow turned and looked at Kurama expectantly.

"Shadow was right," he said.

"Damn," Hiei cursed.

"Now, on to the next job. And if you tell the next guy that you were previously a thief and assassin, I will kill you and let a mob of rabid fangirls have your dead body," Shadow threatened. Hiei's eyes widened.

"Then what am I supposed to tell them?"

"Tell them... some lie. Tell them you used to be a martial arts instructor! Cuz that fits... you've taught some people some things, so it's not entirely a lie," Shadow said, shrugging. "What's next on the list?"

Kurama pulled a folded paper out of his pocket and handed it to her. Her eyes scanned down the page.

"Secretary? Taxi-cab driver? FBI agent... Who the hell wrote this list?"

"You did," the two boys said in unison, pointing at her.

"Ah! I found one!"

Shadow led them down the street. About ten minutes later, they arrived outside a building with a sign over the door that read "H.R. & J-Psychiatric." Kurama stared at the large blue letters.

"You're kidding, Shadow," he said, tearing his eyes away from the sign and looking down at her.

"Nope. Hiei, if they ask previous occupation... tell them you were a school teacher," Shadow said. Hiei stared at her wide-eyed.

"You're honestly gonna make me apply for a psychiatrist's job?"

"Hey, it's worth a try!"

Hiei's eyes got so wide they were in danger of popping out of his head. His eyebrows got so high they vanished under his headband. Shadow grabbed his shoulders and steered him into the building.

The receptionist at the desk was on the phone when they came in. She looked a bit stressed out. Her hair was falling out of its tight ponytail, her dress shirt was wrinkled, and the coffee on her desk had long since gotten cold.

Shadow, holding Hiei's wrist to keep him from leaving, waited patiently for her to get off the phone.

"Yes, Mr. Shimada, I'm aware of-- Yes, sir, but... If you would just let me finish, I could explain!" the woman snapped, getting annoyed. "Thank you. Now, your condition can not be cured by medicine."

There was some insane screaming on the other end. The receptionist grimaced.

"No, you're not going to die!"

More screaming.

"From the symptoms you described to me, it sounds like you have a case of the common cold..." She paused, glancing up at Hiei and smiling before quickly returning to the phone conversation. "No, sir, the common cold is not deadly... No, they don't have a cure, but it won't kill you..."

Wide-eyed, the three visitors exchanged glances.

"You honestly want me to get a job here?!" Hiei hissed under his breath.

"Yes."

Meanwhile, the receptionist had finally given in and was setting up an appointment with Mr. Shimada.

"We don't have an opening today... It would have to be tomorrow. Early tomorrow... Sir, you're not going to die overnight! Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, okay? I promise you will not die from the cold! All right? Okay. See you tomorrow morning," she said. She hung up the phone, sighing and pushing her glasses up on her nose before looking up at Hiei.

(As an explanation for that conversation, we'll assume Mr. Shimada has a fear of death.)

"Did you have an appointment?" she asked.

"No. We're here about the job opening," Shadow said. The woman looked surprised.

"Oh! Oh, hang on just a minute," she said. She pushed a button on her phone and said, "Ma'am, there's some people here about the job opening."

"Oh, good! Send them in," a voice said.

"Last door on the right," the receptionist said. Shadow led them down the hall and entered the room. It was rather large, with quite a few large, decorative plants, a few cushioned chairs, and a desk. Behind the desk sat a woman with brown hair and brown eyes, wearing a green outfit (none of these small details are of much importance, so I don't know why I put them there). She didn't look half as frazzled as the receptionist had.

"Nice to meet you all," she said, looking them over. "Which one is here for the interview?"

"I am," Hiei managed to say.

"Well, have a seat," the lady said. "I'll be interviewing you... First, we'll start off with the easy things. What is your name?"

"Hiei Jaganshi."

"How old are you?"

"28." (Of course that's not his real age...)

The interview went fairly well. Hiei managed to finish it without being kicked out. The woman leaned back in her chair, looking Hiei over.

"Well, we're in desperate need of help right now, and you seem... Well... Hiei, congratulations. You're hired. We'll see what you can do," she said.

Hiei's eyes widened. Shadow laughed, partly from amusement, partly from happiness, and hugged Hiei. Kurama smiled, more of a grimace, since a million possible scenarios were running through his head, most of them involving Hiei, his katana, and a poor traumatized patient.

"I have a patient coming in soon. I'd like you to help me out with him, if that's okay."

"It's fine," Shadow said quickly. "He's not busy."

"Well good. Come with me, then, Hiei. Just Hiei," the woman said. Shadow and Kurama hung back while Hiei, looking tortured, followed the woman into a room and the door was closed behind him.

A few minutes later, a man walked down the hall and entered the room Hiei and the woman were in. Shadow caught a brief glimpse of Hiei, leaning on the desk the woman was sitting on.

"Well, there's patient number one," Shadow said a second later.

"He's going to explode."

"Who? Hiei or the guy? The patient guy."

"Hiei. Well, the guy will physically explode after Hiei blows him up, but Hiei will emotionally explode and physically blow him up."

"What do you know?! I think he'll do fine."

No sooner had the words come out of her mouth then the door in front of her opened and Hiei was pushed out. The woman looked furious.

"How could you?! You deserve to be thrown in prison! Or worse! You heartless bastard!" she screamed. The door slammed. Shadow and Kurama looked at Hiei for an explanation.

"HE DESERVED IT!" Hiei screamed back. Something slammed against the door. The woman had probably thrown her shoe.

"Hiei... WHAT DID YOU DO?!" Shadow yelled.

"I told the guy he was a coward and I didn't understand how anybody could feel bad for him. He started bawling his eyes out... He's afraid of germs!" Hiei said. "How can you be afraid of germs? They're everywhere!"

"Well... That's why he's at the psychiatrist!" Shadow snapped.

"Shadow, cut him a break. I can't believe you actually thought he'd be able to get a job at a psychiatrist's office, even as secretary or something. He's a demon, for God's sake," Kurama said.

"Thank you, Kurama! I wish you'd said something earlier, though," Hiei said. "Shadow, can we go home now? It's obvious I can't get a job in Ningenkai. Well... a legal job that doesn't require me to kill and steal things..."

Shadow's face was scrunched up in thought. "I have an idea."

Hiei moaned miserably, his shoulders slumping.

"After this one, we'll go home. But I think this one will work."

"Fine. But if you drag me around anywhere after that one, I'll knock you unconscious and lock you in a titanium room with Youko," Hiei threatened. Kurama quirked an eyebrow. Shadow's eyes got wider and she nodded.

"I wouldn't put it past you."

She led the group outside and down the street. About ten minutes later, they were standing outside the nearest prison. Hiei stared at her.

"You want me to work here?" he asked. Shadow nodded.

"It's better than psychiatrics, isn't it?"

"Well... yeah, but you actually think I'd be able to put up with dozens, or even hundreds of prisoners every day without killing them?"

"You'd better. Let's go."

A couple minutes later, they were in the head warden's office and Hiei was filling out an application to become a prison guard. He handed it to the man, completely filled out in rather sloppy handwriting.

"Well... Hiei Jaganshi..." the warden said, looking over the papers, "I'll get back to you on this, though I'm sure you'll be accepted. We've had three other applications so far in a month, and none of them had any kind of experience with any job... let alone one involving martial arts. I'm sure you'd be a great help... Well, if I haven't called you by Sunday, just assume you're not accepted, but like I said, I'm sure after a close look at these papers that you'll be hired. You're dismissed."

The trio left. Shadow smiled at Hiei.

"Told you!" she said.

"Yeah, whatever. I still don't think I'll be able to be around ningen prisoners without doing something horrible to them. I mean..." Hiei said. Shadow cut him off.

"You'll do fine!"

"Well don't beat me up if I get fired."

"Not to burst your bubble, but we don't even know that you've been hired yet," Kurama pointed out.

"Yeah, whatever," Shadow said, brushing him off. "Hey... Race ya home!" She took off running as she said it, taking full advantage of Hiei's momentary confusion to get a head start. Kurama took off running after her, and Hiei's confusion cleared up as he realized what she'd said, and he shot after them, easily getting the lead in a few seconds. He toyed with Shadow, staying about five or ten feet ahead of her the entire time until their house came into view. Then Shadow made a flying leap and tackled him. They rolled into the yard in a tangled mess and tied the race. Kurama didn't win because he'd deliberately hung back to watch Hiei torture Shadow.

"Well that race had an interesting end," he said, panting slightly (they'd run at least 5 miles in a stretch of about twenty minutes). Hiei was now laying on his back on top of Shadow.

"Get off me, Hiei," Shadow said. Hiei sighed and relaxed, stretching out his arms and yawning. He closed his eyes and grinned evilly.

"Nope."

"Get off me now, Hiei," she repeated.

"Nope. I'm comfortable. You're soft."

"Are you calling me fat?!"

"No. It was a compliment. You'd rather be soft and cuddly than bony and uncomfortable, right?" Hiei asked.

"If it would make you get up, I'd rather be uncomfortable. The grass is making me itchy. I'm gonna start squirming and twitching and whining," Shadow warned. "Will you get up then?"

"Nope."

"Hieiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!" Shadow whined. Hiei laughed and rolled over so they were face-to-face and propped himself up on his arms to look down at her.

"You forced me to where this wretched suit, you dragged me all around Tokyo, and you yelled at me for making mistakes in interviews when you didn't specifically tell me what to say and what not to say to them when they asked questions. I think you can stand to lay in the grass for a few minutes," he said.

"No I can't. I'm gonna die," she replied, giving him a pitiful look. He blinked.

"You know that doesn't work on me."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?!!!!!!!!"

"Nope."

"LEMME UP!" Shadow screamed, so loud Hiei plugged his ears and flinched. But he didn't get up. Shadow started squirming insanely. Hiei sat on her stomach. She clawed huge ditches in the ground trying to pull herself out from under him. He laughed. Well... at least he did until a huge clod of soil hit him in the face. Then he brushed the dirt off his face and looked at Shadow in such a way that she shrunk away in fear. She smiled innocently.

"Apologize," he ordered coldly.

"Gomennasai, Shishou," Shadow said.

"Shishou?" Hiei said, surprised and confused.

"Yes sir."

"I'll accept that," Hiei said. He got up and pulled Shadow to her feet.

"Wahoo!" She ran into the house, slamming the door behind her. Kurama had long since gone inside and made himself comfortable. He was sitting on the couch watching TV. He glanced up at her.

"How'd you get him off?" he asked. Shadow mocked herself in a preppy voice.

"'Gomennasai, Shishou.'"

Kurama looked at her in disbelief. "Did you really say that?!"

"Hai."

"She's learned her proper place," Hiei joked, coming up behind her. "And it only took how long? A year?"

He walked up the stairs to his room. Shadow stuck out her tongue at the stairs where he'd vanished. The phone rang.

"Oooooh weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Shadow squealed. She picked up the phone. "Hello, Jaganshi residence, Shadow speeeeeeeeeeeaking, how may I help you?"

"You're the girl that was with Hiei Jaganshi at the job interview, right?"

Shadow recognized the prison warden's voice. She covered up the receiver and squealed, jumping up and down and looking at Kurama. She calmed down and answered back, in a calm, formal tone, "Yes I am."

"Well, could I speak to him?"

"Yes, hang on a second," Shadow said. She set down the phone (how primitive! No portable phone or cell phones! ^_^) and went to the bottom of the stairs. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to scream, but Kurama lunged at her and put his hand over her mouth.

"You act all formal on the phone, but you're gonna scream up two flights of stairs to get Hiei? I think not. Go upstairs and get him," he said quietly. Shadow shot up the stairs and knocked on Hiei's door.

"Hiei, your most probably employer is on the phone and he wants to talk to you," Shadow said sweetly. Hiei opened the door. Shadow stared at him in surprise.

"What?"

"Hiei, I find it amazing how often you go around half naked."

"Half naked? I am not!"

"Shirtless. Whatever. Just... hurry up! He's waiting for you on the phone."

"I was changing, and you interrupted me before I got my shirt on. Therefore, I am shirtless. Half naked puts me in mind of a prostitute, and I prefer you do not use that term in relation with me," Hiei said as Shadow followed him down the stairs.

"Don't worry Hiei. I'm sure if you were deliberately showing off your sexy muscley chest to me, you'd try to do it when Kurama wasn't around," Shadow said sarcastically.

"What? Are you saying you think I'm purposely walking around with no shirt on? To try to seduce you? I have other means of seduction. Now shut up." Hiei picked up the phone receiver. "Hello?"

Shadow quirked an eyebrow and stared at him. *'I have other means of seduction.' Other means of seduction?! And just who would he be planning on using those other means of seduction on???*

A minute later, Hiei hung up the phone.

"Well, I have a job now," he said dryly. Shadow squealed. Kurama smiled and congratulated him. "Yes, aren't you happy, Shadow?"

"Oh, yes, of course. I'm overjoyed. You need a congratulations hug!"

"Oh, please," Hiei whined. Shadow wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him until he groaned. "Can't... breathe..."

With an evil grin, Shadow started rubbing her hands up and down his back.

"Mmmmm... muscley," she said. Hiei let out a startled yell and pushed her away. She was laughing so hard she fell over. Suddenly she got completely straight-faced and calm, stood up, and looked at Hiei.

"When do you start?"

"Wha...?"

"Your job."

"Oh... Monday."

"Woo!"

"And please, for the sake of everything good in the world, do not say anything about my muscles anymore," Hiei pleaded.

"Sooooooooooo... What are the other means of seduction you said something about before you got on the phone?" Shadow asked innocently.

Hiei's shoulders slumped. Kurama turned off the TV and stood up.

"Well, I think I'll be going," he said. "Congratulations on your job, Hiei. I'll talk to you sometime on Monday to see how your first day went. Goodbye." He walked by, nodding once to acknowledge Shadow, who was smiling innocently with her eyes closed and her hands clasped behind her back. Then he walked out the door, ignoring Hiei's inarticulate (God, I used a vocab word) protests.

"So? Gonna answer me?" Shadow asked. In response, Hiei turned and walked towards the stairs. Shadow followed him all the way up to his room. He tried to close the door in her face, but she pushed it back open and leapt into his room before he slammed the door again.

"OUT!" he ordered. Shadow didn't listen. Instead, she went and laid on Hiei's bed, closing her eyes and smiling, then cuddling his pillow.

"Comfy."

"Shadow!" Hiei whined.

"Well, if you won't tell me your little secrets of seduction, then I'll just ask you who you are planning on seducing," Shadow said, looking at him.

"Nobody!"

"Ah. I understand. You won't answer me because if I realize you're trying to seduce me, it won't work," she said cheerfully.

"Yes, of course. I have a secret lust for mad, passionate sex, and you're my next victim. You've made it so easy for me to just fuck you right here and now," Hiei said. His voice was completely normal, so even though he was joking, he sounded serious.

Shadow's eyes widened with horror and she leapt off his bed.

"Stay away from me."

Hiei laughed. "I'm kidding. Get real. If I had some insane lust for sex, don't you think I would have made some move before now? I mean, I've lived with you for a year or something, right? Now would you please get out of my room?"

"Hmm... since you said please... I guess so. But then again... I like your room."

"So?!"

"I'll trade you rooms."

"What?! Heck no! Your room is screwed up!"

"Is not. it's just bigger than yours, and the walls are not black, nor do they have dragons or fire painted on them. They're white. And white walls are not dangerous, they just... aren't black. Besides, I have so many pictures and things tacked up, you can barely see the walls!" Shadow said.

"I guess that framed list of swear words in foreign languages would fit under the 'and things' category?" Hiei said.

"Yes. Yes it would."

"Get out of my room."

"Iie."

Eventually, Shadow did leave Hiei's room, and he got around to doing whatever he'd planned on doing when he got his room back. Shadow went down and watched another one of those cheezy SciFi movies she always seems to watch.

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Translations

Gomennasai- I'm sorry (or something similar)

Shishou- Master

Hai- Yes

Iie- No

ningen- human

I think that's all of them. Anyway, please r&r. And if you have read my Christmas story and are wondering why the HELL I'm not updating, blame school, this story, and another story I'm writing that I'm not posting yet. And also, blame the loser who ate the key to the writer's block that story got sealed in.