by sugar-induced ecstasy
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One crisp autumn evening, as the normal Hogwarts students were milling about the grounds, Draco Malfoy sat in the Slytherin common room hatching up evil plans to take over the world. Crabbe and Goyle, his ever-loyal sidekicks, stood by his side watching his every move and pining for him.
"So," said Crabbe, "Wot are we gonna do tonight, Master?"
Draco paused to think, and stroked his imaginary beard. "The same thing we do every night, Crabs... try to take over the world!"
Cheesy music ensued.
It was actually Pansy Parkinson playing an accordion and singing "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts."
Goyle scratched his large nose. "Wot's your newest plan?"
Draco rolled his eyes and waved one of his hands in the air poncily. "My plan is far too sophisticated for you great lumps to even begin to comprehend."
"Wot's a lump?" Crabbe asked.
"Merlin's balls, you git, shut your trap," Draco sniffed pompously.
The door slammed, and Crabbe and Goyle managed to tear their lustful gazes from Draco's pants, finding an even more delicious sight in front of them: Professor Snape.
"Hello, Malfoy," said Snape. "Fancy a shag?"
Crabbe and Goyle moaned with jealousy.
Draco shrugged. "Not tonight, Professor. Got too much homework."
Snape looked mildly disappointed. "All right. Crabbe? Goyle? Up for a little bouncy-bouncy?"
"Are we ever!!!" Crabbe shouted. They bounded out after Snape to his office.
"Finally, I can get some peace and quiet," Draco muttered to himself. He began to write in his notebook:
Plan #342:
Build statue of self out of used condoms. Upon seeing it, everyone in the world shall bow to my artistic genius. Must have lots of sex to build statue. Targets.... Pansy? Nah, too easy. Hermione, Tonks, Ginny, McGonagall, Cho, Millicent Bulstrode. There. Must set plan into action. Will report when first task is complete.
"Time to run off and find Hermione," he said, grabbing a shopping bag full of condoms.
Upon arriving at the door to the Gryffindor common room, Draco stopped and wondered at how he would possibly get inside. Just then, Neville stumbled out, so Draco jumped him and then bounded into the hole before it closed. Neville's weak cries of "Ow! My butt!" could be heard all over the castle.
Hermione Granger, the Hogwarts Know-it-all, sat in front of the fireplace reading a book. It wasn't just any old book, however; it was "Kama Sutra for the Kinky."
Draco posed against the mantelpiece, not noticing that his robes were catching on fire. "Hey, baby. You really dig me, don't you? We should put out sometime."
"How about now? Let's start with the fire in your robes."
"A little impatient, are we?" Draco asked with a smirk.
"No, you cretin," Hermione said, "you're on fire. Seriously."
"I know, baby, I know." Draco smirked again but his face was getting a little stiff.
Hermione banged her head against her book in frustration. She then unfastened Draco's robes and let them fall to the floor.
Draco smirked yet again. "I love a woman who takes charge."
Hermione stomped on the robes, then looked up and saw his body: scrawny and pale, but somehow so tempting.
"Don't you just want to eat me up?" Draco purred.
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "I might take you up on that offer. Wait, let me consult my book..."
Draco pulled out a condom. "Looking for one of these?"
"You don't need one of those things for what I'm about to do to you, Malfoy."
The confused look left his face as she knocked him to the ground.