The Life of Hermione Granger (Without a Boyfriend)
Hermione Granger was a fifteen-year-old witch. Despite the fact that she was Muggle-born, she attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She was the only child of her dentist parents, and this did not bother her, as she actually enjoyed being an only child (thank you very much Ron Weasley – Prince of Rabbits).
Ron Weasley was her best friend, and he was currently composing love notes to his girlfriend, Susan Bones. (Whether or not they actually met in real life seemed indeterminable) Her other best friend, who could cleverly be located via the Marauder's Map, was in the Astronomy Tower with one Cho Chang. They were just studying. Anatomy. A subject that wasn't even in the Hogwarts curriculum (Hermione had checked).
Hermione did not have a boyfriend and, frankly, didn't want one. She was perfectly happy with her books though she had been told many times that it was unhealthy. Some people had sick, sick minds (once again, thank you, Mr. Ron Weasley – like his relationship with Susan Bones was any healthier).
She could get a boyfriend, had she at any time felt inclined. Rumour had it that Neville Longbottom fancied her, a bit. After all, it wasn't as if she were unattractive. She quite liked the way her curls bounced, and she wasn't chubby or anything like that. She ate well (not to look good, she just liked to keep healthy) and had a nice smile, because her parents were dentists. Well, some thanks could be credited to Draco Malfoy's bad aim.
Besides, what was so great about relationships? Lavender and Dean had a GREAT relationship, when they weren't screaming at each other across the common room or throwing books (which was deemed by Hermione as sacrilegious. Books were holy things, and they are not meant as ammo!) then they were snogging all over the place. They were doing it right now, actually, and had been for the past twenty minutes. They are all so silly, Hermione thought to herself.
Indeed, if only they knew how ridiculous they looked to Hermione. She, on the other hand, was wisely studying whilst wearing her pink, fluffy monster slippers. Exams, after all, were only a year away. Where had the time gone? It was all so unhygienic! All of this snogging, and exchanging of bodily fluids and such. Honestly, Lavender and Dean were making out on the table in a fit of ecstasy. To clarify, they were making out on Hermione's table! They had just pushed her books off (Books! Her books! Her babies!). This was all too much for Hermione! She had been having a special bonding moment with her books.
"Dean," Hermione prodded. No response, only a strange moaning sound. "Dean, Lavender," Hermione tried softly so as not to cause too much commotion. She didn't, after all, want to embarrass them anymore than they were embarrassing themselves.. "Dean and Lavender!" Hermione hissed. Finally, when this got no result, her temper got the better of her. There needed to be institutions filled with people who had done really bad things. Unspeakable things! For their punishment, they should be made to study whilst trying to ignore Dean and Lavender sucking their faces off! "Dean Thomas and Lavender Brown will you desist your horrendous display of affection long enough to conveniently locate a more PRIVATE area?"
At the confused glances that were being exchanged by Dean and Lavender, Hermione felt the need to clarify. After all, all that movement of their lips must have taken the last shreds of their intelligence away.
"In layman's terms, GET A ROOM!" Hermione raged, because Hermione was a creature of tact at all times.
"I think she's swapped bodies with Professor McGonagall," Lavender said, flashing Hermione a dirty look.
"I don't think anyone would be able to tell if she swapped bodies with McGonagall," Dean replied dazedly.
"I WAS TRYING TO STUDY!" she exploded. There were unattractive splotches of red on her cheeks.
All eyes in the common room were on Hermione Granger, who was currently foaming at the mouth.
"Sorry, Hermione," Lavender and Dean whispered before scuttling away. They rather looked like crabs. Big red, stupid crabs who should be boiled alive… At least that was what Hermione thought.
Ok, Hermione, what to do now? she thought. Everyone was still looking at her as if she had morphed into the Dark Lord, though he might have been less intimidating. In this situation, she decided to do execute the exact ploy a politician would engage. She gave them all a bright smile, picked up her books, and blushed while trying to continue her studying. She didn't notice the title was Hogwarts: Things You Only Want to Know if You're Hermione Granger.
Fred and George Weasley, Ron's twin older brothers, looked on nervously as she opened it. They had bewitched the book as a practical joke. Hermione flung the book on the table when she realized it was a pornographic magazine that a Muggle-born classmate had gotten from home. Fred and George commenced their victory dance. It looked something like a mix of to chickens dancing whilst their legs experienced a Jelly Leg-Locker curse.
At that moment, Harry Potter entered the dorm. The Famous Harry Potter (according to Ron, "The Famous Harry Potter" was actually embroidered on Harry's boxer shorts. How Ron knew this fact, she didn't want to know) He was Teen Witch Weekly's Hottest Hottie of the year. He was rich, handsome and famous. Unfortunately, most people didn't realize he was also sweet, bashful, and kind. He had only recently started dating Cho Chang, whom he had had a crush on for the last few years. No, crush wasn't the way to put it perhaps 'neurotic fixation?' Well, whatever it was, Hermione had never seen him smile so broadly. Not that she cared; he was only her friend...
Ron looked up from his letter. "Hey, Harry! You just missed quite a show!"
"Why? What happened?" Harry asked.
Ron grinned from ear to ear. "Hermione, what did you just tell Lavender and Dean to do?"
"Nothing Harry, I don't know what Ron is talking about," Hermione replied.
"Yes, you do! You just told Lavender and Dean to desist their horr-" Ron was briefly cut off. It was due to a very unfortunate accident in which a book found itself coming into contact with his head, very hard contact, in fact. It was quite regrettable, really. The bruising lasted two whole weeks. Poor thing! Hermione thought to herself while she consoled the injured book. Honestly, why does Ron have such a hard head?
Deciding that to remain meant abject humiliation when Hermione was merely exercising her right to mental sanity – she excused herself and left. Not quite as gracefully as she would have liked. She tripped on the portrait whole… once… but nobody really noticed.
Honestly, she was the only sane person in Gryffindor! Other people let their raging hormones get the better of them. Not Hermione! She tromped through the castle and into the grounds. It was late at night, when she was supposed to be in the common room studying like any other NORMAL person. The Dark Lord was at the height of his power and nowhere was safe. But yet, she was the only one with sense! So, as she tromped (very femininely) through the castle and into the grounds.
She looked wistfully into the sky and let out a dramatic sigh. She just wished that everybody wouldn't expect her to have a boyfriend.
"Well, Miss Prefect out on the grounds late at night. I hope to Merlin you're not meeting a boy! That is a most unfortunate thought!" Draco Malfoy exclaimed.
Bugger! Hermione thought to herself. At no point was she thinking of Leather Pants! Ok, maybe just for a second. However, she didn't know why she would ever associate Draco Malfoy with Leather pants...In truth he'd be better suited to wearing whipped cream and not much else. "Malfoy, I've been meaning to ask you for The Dark Lords OWL address. I wish to submit a complaint on his mistreatment of Muggles, my friend Harry and fashion in general. He does know that those tent-like cloaks do NOTHING for his figure, right?"
Draco Malfoy had followed Hermione out of the door. He looked his usual self in the cold night air. Secretly, Hermione had thought him mildly attractive in an Evil Overlord sort of way, had he not had the personality of a bad tempered lawnmower. The best thing was that he was alone. He was vulnerable when alone (Hermione would have tried for an evil laugh, but she could never really pull them off).
Malfoy flushed red for a moment before returning to his usual paleness, upon noticing her fluffy, pink, monster slippers. His sneer seemed to spread and engulf his whole ferret like face. "I see you are at the height of fashion yourself. Perhaps you can tell me how many points should be deducted from Gryffindor for being caught out after curfew?"
Ugh, Hermione thought. Is it possible for a Prefect to take points from another Prefect? She hoped not. What had the school been thinking when they gave him power over other students? And what the hell is everyone's problem with her monster slippers? They're cute!
Hermione gave her most superior smile. "For your information, hot pink has made a real come back. And if you must know, I'm on my way to meet Hagrid. I will be helping him set up for tomorrow's lesson. But I DO wonder what you're doing out here, late at night, Malfoy?"
Hermione was of course lying, yet she's still the most sensible student in school! For some odd reason, the rest of the world just refused to agree with her.
"I'm doing detention for Hagrid. Why don't I escort you his... house," Malfoy snarled.
Hermione was at a loss for words. She had not expected him to call her bluff. She had also not expected that he would be going to Hagrid's. She tried to think of the Rule of Bluff – when the Bluffee raises the bluff of the Bluffer, then the Bluffer should raise the Bluff again... or something like that. "I have to...do... something first," she stammered. Great, she thought to herself, lamest excuse ever.
Malfoy looked sceptical, "I won't hear of it, please, allow me to escort you to Hagrid's... house. I would hate for you to lose your way!"
He did not offer her his arm, as is traditional (Bastard!), he wouldn't want to touch a Mudblood after all. But he had a confidant smirk on his pointy face, as if he knew he had her where he wanted her. Hermione stalked passed him and headed for Hagrid's. She could hear him hurry to keep up with her. She reached the hut before he had time to make anymore rude comments. She knocked on Hagrid's door.
Hagrid was half giant, Keeper of the Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts and the Care of Magical Creature's teacher. He was as gentle as can be, despite his intimidating height and appearance. He was a good friend of Hermione's and she liked him. (Even though he never gave a written exam!)
"Hermione!" Hagrid said delightedly. "Malfoy," he added with a low growl.
"Hello Hagrid! Malfoy met me while I was on my way to help. You. For. Tomorrow's. Lesson. He thought it would be appropriate to escort me to your house," Hermione said pointedly.
Hagrid looked as if he got the drift, "Oh, o' course, Hermione Wink Wink. And you, Mr. Malfoy, 're here to serve yer detention?"
"Yes, sir," Malfoy drawled.
"Very well then, enter tha both of yer," Hagrid replied.
Hermione spent the next four hours polishing halters for tomorrow's frighteningly dangerous creature. She may never have forgiven Malfoy for that. So she decided to punish him. Woe to he who gives Hermione Granger a bad disposition.
"You seem to serve detention for Hagrid a lot. Tell me, are you attracted to him or something? You don't goad any other teacher into giving you detention as much!" Hermione shot at her arch-nemesis, the axis of evil, the devastating blond, the Keeper of Leather Pants, Draco Malfoy.
Malfoy looked repulsed beyond description. "Me? And that big oaf?" Hagrid shot a look at Malfoy. "Er... our most distinguished teacher? How terribly inappropriate of you to mention that. Cough Mudblood!"
Hermione giggled to herself, whoever said boys were no fun? Oh, that's right, she had... but she had been wrong! They were indeed very fun! And to think, Malfoy had to suffer several more hours of her sharp tongue and witty repartee...
Yet she could only think of a couple of people who deserved it more.
Hermione awoke the next morning, all that polishing had given her a sore arm. She went down to the common room to find Harry and Ron talking in stifled whispers. They were of course, talking about the next OA meeting. (Obsesses Anonymous – Harry was the President, Ron was Vice President) As she approached, they swiftly ended their conversation.
"Morning, Harry! Morning, Ron!" Hermione exclaimed grumpily. She rather gave the impression of a dragon that had just swallowed some bad tasting knight and wasn't very happy about it.
"Morning, Hermione..." the boys replied hesitantly.
Hermione looked a Ron, who did that thing where you cover your head and prepare to have your kidney's kicked out of place.
"I'm not going to attack you again!"
Ron was visibly relieved. He had obviously been bandaged after the book incident the previous night, only it made him look like a deranged mummy.
"Where did you disappear to last night?" Harry asked.
"Oh, I just went for a walk! Nothing to tell, really," Hermione replied with a sadistic smile. "Anybody have chocolate? I have a 'stomach ache'."
Last summer, Hermione had eaten so much chocolate during a 'stomach ache' that Ron wrote the exact weight of the combined chocolate, and sent it to the other Gryffindors to warn them. Hermione had always been slightly off-edge (more than usual) during these times, yet the chocolate seemed to placate her. So now it was urban legend. Hermione got chocolate, and limbs remained intact.
Harry grimaced, he didn't want to see her morph into a bad version of a Stephen King novel, so he had come prepared. Never had anyone produced chocolate as fast as he did when a 'stomach ache' paid a visit.
She pulled out her new book, A Comprehensive Guide to The Life Cycle of the English Library Book, and sighed while munching on a chocolate frog. So far, trying to read it had been a bit of a task, she kept getting interrupted. The-Book-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named from last night's Weasley prank, was sitting on the bottom of her trunk.
A/N: I felt I needed to add author notes. Trying to get this structured properly when uploaded onto is IMPOSSIBLE. But I've tried as hard as I can.
I'd like to give a HUGE thanks to Amanda – my friend and beta who beta'd this for me when I was about to give up.
I would like to thank Kendiara who is beta-ing this for me, I adore her! (she's reading this, I have to be nice! She can be scary!) LOL she picks things up like Hermione being 16 and Fred and George being there so I had to change that... so I'd like to thank her for that.
Big shout-out to Pam who is the best author ever! She always reviews my fics even though she doesn't have to! Thank you so much!
I'd also like to thank everyone who has reviewed so far! You've all given wonderful comments!
I want to thank Maya who doesn't know me, I'm one of those creepy fans. Her work is so influential! This line was inspired by her:
"(Even though he never gave a written exam!)"
Anya (Sp?) who wrote Naked Quidditch Match – I flogged a line from there! "She tried to think of the Rule of Bluff – when the Bluffee raises the bluff of the Bluffer, then the Bluffer should raise the Bluff."
A website call: Things My Girlfriend and I Argue About is arguably one of the funniest and greatest websites ever, run by Mill Millington. This line came from him:
"Who did that thing where you cover your head and prepare to have your kidneys kicked out of place."