The Life of Hermione Granger (Without a Boyfriend)

You want the plot? You can't handle the plot!

Hermione Granger was sitting in Arithmancy when Eloise Midgeon passed her a note. Hermione looked up at the teacher and back at the note. This was the only class she dared to pass notes in, mostly because the teacher didn't care and it was the only chance she got to talk to Eloise.

Why don't you go out with Neville?

-M

Have those facial washes leaked into your brain! This is Neville we're talking about!

-H

Yeah, but anybody's better than nobody...

-M

Neville is not ANYBODY, he's just not my type.

– H

What if you miss out on the chance to marry him?

–M

Imagine what our CHILDREN would look like!

–H

Hehe, pretty ugly ones.

–M

Don't insult my imaginary spawn! And that's an oxymoron, you know.

–H

Your going to need to get a boyfriend eventually! Especially if you keep randomly insulting spawns that haven't even been born yet.

–M

1) I feel NO need to get a boyfriend right now. 2) It's you APOSTROPHE re. As in "You are". 3) Oxymoron: two words that are an opposite. Pretty and ugly are both opposites.

–H

Sorry if my grammar isn't as good as YOURS:P Honestly, who cares?

– M

You attacked my imaginary spawn first.

–H

You're the idiot that imagined his children.

–M

Someone is a bit aggressive today! Are you going to cheer up a bit or do I need to get you some chocolate?

–H

MMMM...Chocolate... But I'll break out with acne again.

–M

You only care about acne because boys don't like it! See, boys are the root of all evil!

–H

Were you dropped on your head as a child... repeatedly?

–M

It was at this point that Hermione stuffed the note in her bag and spent the rest of the class moping.

Hermione was sitting at breakfast with Harry and Ron, eating some toast when Harry passed them a newspaper. He had a morbid expression on his face.

"What is it Harry?" Ron asked.

"Just read it," Harry replied.

Hermione and Ron bent over the newspaper and read to themselves.

Wizard Wireless's most popular talk show host was cursed down yesterday in vicious gang rivalries. Forty-Five year old Molly Medricks hosted the popular show, 'Listening Live' for five years and was voted Wirelesses' most popular show three years in a row, just two weeks' prior to the tragic event...

Hermione stopped reading. "What's your point Harry?" she asked.

"Remember during Summer holidays? With Jay Leno being shot down?" Harry stressed.

"What are you talking about?" Ron questioned as he poked he breakfast despondently and continued writing Susan Bones letters before flying them across the hall to her table. Merlin forbid they actually do anything like…talk, or stand closer than two centimetres.

Hermione dove into her bag, pulling out the clipping or what she felt had been a most distressing article. (At least that's what she told them. Lo and behold the real reason she'd kept the article was because of a picture of David Bowie looking surprisingly like Draco Malfoy was on the back. Coincidence? Hermione didn't think so. Luckily the boys didn't notice.)

FUNNY MAN MEETS NOT-SO-FUNNY END

One of Television's most popular comedians, Jay Leno was shot down today in what was believed to be the result of vicious gang rivalries. One anonymous bystander reportedly told police, "He just told one too many bad jokes. It was time for him to go." The bystander is being held for questioning. James Douglas Muir Leno was born in 1950. He has been repeatedly rewarded for his comedic gifts and was rated one of America's most watched Comedians. He left his mark in England when...

"James Douglas Muir Leno..." Ron whistled, "and I thought Ronald was a lousy name to be stuck with. No wonder he shortened it to Jay."

Hermione looked at Harry. "Do you think they could be related?" she asked.

"I don't know, I just don't know..." Harry replied dramatically like something out of a b-grade action film. "Anything's possible."

"They're probably not... I mean one died in a gang curse-out and the other died in a gang shoot-out! Completely unrelated!" Ron interrupted.

"Ron's got a point..." Hermione insisted sarcastically.

"Whatever it is, it's got Voldemort written all over it," Harry commented darkly.

The table went quiet, with Gryffindor faces sombre and pensive. The Dark Lord interfering and doing annoying things like Massacring people was common and a sombre thing requiring pensive faces. At least they felt so.

Ginny Weasley, who was sitting beside Harry spoke up, "Look, Molly isn't exactly on the side of good here, and from what I know about Jay Leno... he isn't going to be sainted...But Harry, Evil connections to their deaths just doesn't really make sense. Why would-"

"Shhhh, Ginny," Ron interrupted. "You're too young to understand these things. Just keep playing with your dolly, that's a good girl." Ron said affectionately as Ginny almost snapped him in half.

Hermione was outside on a blanket, because conveniently enough, it was autumn and quite a beautiful day outside.

She was doing some lightweight Temporal physics (Surprise! Bet you never saw that one coming!) when Harry joined her. He looked somewhat upset and seemed to have something to say. Only, being his usual self, and having the slight impediment of being male, meant that she would have to drag it out of him. That was one of the reasons she didn't need a boyfriend. It would just be too much work and effort away from her books!

"Harry what's wrong?" she asked, bracing herself. As usual she'd ask 'what's wrong?' and he'd reply 'nothing'. Then she'd ask 'what's wrong?' and he'd reply 'I don't know…or something evil' or something equally vague along those lines. Then he'd send her to the library to look up 'something evil' and be disappointed when her results were somewhat inconclusive. That would continue for a year before some evil overlord decided to strike and try to kill him and ultimately fail because despite her vague tasks, her hard work would prevail and Harry would take all the credit and say how charmed he must be. Life would be that much easier if he could just stop being so bloody ridiculous.

"Cho broke up with me!" he wailed.

"Oh..." Hermione replied. (More shocked that it hadn't taken the rest of her life to get it out of him) This wasn't exactly her field. Evil things, she could deal with. Logic, she could deal with. Puzzles, she could deal with. But when it came to relationships, that was something of a mystery. Like Lucius Malfoy and Professor Snape having a parent/teacher conference... at night...in a deserted classroom.

Harry sniffled. "She said I just wasn't tragic enough! Too cheerful all the time..."

"Well, it's a bit soon after Cedric's death... perhaps she just wasn't ready for you," Hermione said sympathetically.

"She's not the only one having 'issues'! Lavender Brown broke up with Dean... Susan with Ron... Parvati with Seamus...girls are evil!" Harry wailed. Though, he seemed to like the idea of girls being evil. He fought evil all the time. Surely if he could thwart one kind of evil, he could thwart (or attract) another.

"Parvati and Seamus were going out?" Hermione asked ignoring Harry's comment. He had just been dumped after all.

"Yeah, two whole days now. Apparently it was a love that could not be contained. According to her it was, 'such a beautiful love that it must be kept forever and perfect in memory alone.'"

"So...in other words, she's moved onto greener turf?" Hermione interrupted.

"Yep. Susan also moved onto greener turf... poor Ron," he added.

"What happened there?" Hermione asked.

"Susan saw Lavender's handwriting and fell in love... it's been all romance and snogging since," Harry said with a strange look on his face.

"Oh... okay..." Hermione didn't quite know what to say about that. "So… Lavender writes better than Ron?" she asked.

"She has a more masculine stroke I think." Harry replied.

"But Ron has the clumsy, heavy backhand going for him!" Hermione quipped.

"I think she was going for a more gentle, twirling approach," Harry informed her.

"Oh, and I forgot, Neville broke up with whoever HE was with," he muttered.

"Who was HE with?" Hermione stuttered.

Harry laughed. "Don't get me wrong, I like Neville... but I have a feeling it was his imagination..." he replied.

"So you're saying he got in a fight with his right-hand?" Hermione asked, eyebrows raised.

"Hermione!" Harry said shocked.

"Well... you guys think I don't listen when you talk about that stuff? Good lord..." Hermione replied. "I'm a smart girl, after all. What's more, I'm a smart girl with ears. I can figure things out. That's what I do. You're the brawn, I'm the brains, and Ron's the trusty sidekick, that's how we work."

"Well, there'll be a lot more of it... we're all bachelors now," Harry replied as he gave Draco Malfoy an evil stare. Draco was wandering about the scenery with a couple of girls, but he too, was focused intently and overtly evilly at Harry as Harry was with him.

"I'll just try to tune out like usual," Hermione said while shrugging.

"Don't be ridiculous, Ron just realized last year that you're a girl. And he just realized this summer that you're a DATEABLE girl. That talk won't be going on around you anymore," Harry replied, his attention returning to Hermione.

"Are you feeling better?" Hermione asked, trying to forget what Harry had just told her.

"Yeah, but that's my flaw! I'm just too damn chipper!" Harry said vengefully.

Hermione sniffed the air, "You boys are so ridiculous!"

"It would be all that more effective to say things like that when you're NOT wearing your fluffy, pink, monster slippers, Hermione," he replied.

The boys all crowded around Harry in the common room.

"Will the second meeting of the month of October for Obsesses Anonymous please come to order?"

Hermione was reading with Crookshanks on her lap while Fred and George sat in the corner, preparing their next big practical joke from the old detention reports. Reports in which the names James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew seemed to appear a lot.

Well, there you go! Plotty goodness all thanks to El Mann! And all those who left comments saying they didn't like H/C – well, I fixed that for you too (ok, it was always part of the plan... but you get cookies for commenting on it anyway)

As for Hermione and Eloise – well, I can back up that section! Remember in the GoF when Ron is like, "We'd better hurry or we'll get stuck with Eloise Midgeon." – or something to that effect? (It's in the part where they're looking for dates to the Yule Ball) Well, Hermione replies with, "And what's wrong with Eloise? She's really nice and her acne has cleared up a lot since second year!"

SO that got me thinking that Hermione MUST talk to Eloise at some time. Arithmancy seems the right place for that to happen. Besides, Hermione must have SOMEONE to talk with in those classes. This also dispels the myth that Hufflepuffs are STUPID! They are not! (Unless I've made a mistake and Eloise is in Ravenclaw...)

I'd like to thank the following people who have joined me in the second chapter