The Contest is still on!

Huge thanks to my beta, Kendiara. To Amanda, who is a pillar of support. To Pranita who is my sister. To Pam who is possibly the most supportive person on Earth. I know this chapter is longer than usual, but if I'm going to mess with your minds, then it's going to take more than four pages each chapter.

The Life of Hermione Granger (Without a Boyfriend)

Beware of the Fluffy-Haired Girl!

Hermione was quietly creeping down the stairs. Evil was afoot! Crookshanks was bestowing disparaging stares on her. It was a habit of his that she greatly despised, mostly because he was usually right.

Her mission was to listen in on the weekly meetings the boys held in the common room. They held these meetings with the greatest secrecy, and discretion was the name of the game. Which is exactly why they held it in the middle of a noisy, busy common room. Hermione sat hidden behind a big cushy chair, waiting for them to finish their meeting when, her ears picked up on something.

"I just don't...understand why she dumped me!" Wailed Neville.

"Yes, there's been a lot of that talk tonight. I realize that all of us were dumped, and it was very tragic. So, admit it... have any of you already started lusting over another girl?" Harry asked.

There were gentle murmurs of ascent among the boys.

"Were any of you obsessing WHILE still with your significant others?" Harry pried.

There were more less gentle murmurs of ascent amongst the boys.

"Has anybody tried to do anything about it?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Well," Seamus replied, "if we were the kind of obsesses who did anything about our neurosis, we wouldn't be here, would we? We'd be sitting in the Slytherin common room attending a monthly 'Harassers Anonymous' meeting, wouldn't we?"

The boys agreed heartily with this.

"More like Bestiality Anonymous…" Ron replied.

There was laughter all around.

A single hand went into the air.

"Yeah, I'd like to raise the Hermione issue," Neville replied.

"Again, Neville?" Harry asked despondantly.

"Well... there's a lot to add on this issue," Neville replied, as the boys groaned.

"I'll second a motion to give it a rest!" Ron replied.

"Hear him! Hear him!" the others chanted.

They hushed at the odd stares of the other students.

"Let Neville be pathetic Ron, you've had your turn for tonight," Harry quipped.

Neville started, "Well, I love the way her hair sparkles when she walks, and her cherry lips sparkle when she speaks, and the way her eyes sparkle in the light, the way her cheeks sparkle when she's lost control and yelling, the way her mouth foam sparkles when it..."

"Neville, be honest," Ron interrupted, "you think she's got big titties."

"I was getting to that..." Neville replied in a hurt tone.

"...Ron, don't interrupt people..." Harry replied. "It's not APPROPRIATE. Besides, you're just being a jerk."

"Well, she's pretty... with big-"

"Ron!" Harry said in a warning voice.

"Right, but she talks too much... it kind of ruins it for me," Ron replied. "I don't understand what Neville is on about."

"Fair enough... I think we all have that problem," Harry replied. "Anyone else want to add anything?"

"Yeah, I'd like to mention that her butt is like-"

"Lee!" Harry interrupted.

"Harry! Don't tell me you didn't see those changing room shots Collin got! That women has one, mighty-fine butt!" Dean spluttered.

They heard a fit of coughing far off.

"Perhaps I did... but we are trying to cure our obsessions here, not promote them..." Harry replied.

"Well, I think Dean's right, but there are a few dimples there on her... but I can see past that," Ron mused.

"Yeah, she'd look better if she lost a pound," Seamus agreed.

"Perhaps bigger..." a look from Harry made Ron change his mind, "...feet... wink wink"

"Ha! And if she didn't open her mouth, I swear, every time she does, it's to nag me about end of year exams!" Seamus said.

"Or S.P.E.W!" Dean agreed.

"Ok, well, I think we'll recommence the meeting next week." Harry sighed. "Meeting adjourned. Oh, and where are the Weasley twins tonight? They were supposed to discuss Quidditch changing room dilemmas!"

"They went to the kitchen," Lee replied.

"Never mind then. They'll just have to share next week. And boys, remember – dropping the soap may seem like a laugh, but it's a serious problem in some places!" Harry finished.

The boys separated and went their ways, Ron and Harry sitting down for a game of chess. Hermione was fuming.

She spent the night considering her revenge. There was the popular water torture. But after the whole fiasco with the Basilisk, Harry had a phobia of pipes, and that would be a little too cruel. Then there was the option of chaining them up to a tree. While Harry and Ron in handcuffs were not altogether an undesirable prospect, suspicions would be raised if they were missing for a few days. There was the usual blackmail, but aside from the dubious boxers, neither Harry nor Ron (as far as she knew) did anything worth blackmailing. Finally, she came up with a viable plan, and by morning she was ready to exact it.

"Morning, Ron," Hermione said.

"Morning, Hermione," Ron replied, not looking up from his paper.

"Would you like a glass of orange juice?" she asked.

"Yeah sure, thanks!"

"Ron, do you think I talk to much?"

"Nah!"

"I don't babble on about S.P.E.W, do I?" she asked again.

"I haven't noticed anything..."

"Am I really annoying like that?"

"No, not at all, Hermione! You're fine exactly the way you are! Wow, is my skin tanned?"

Five minutes later he was in the hospital wing. His skin had been turned bright orange. It made Draco Malfoy's day.

She bounced up to Harry after breakfast that morning. She hadn't really wanted to punish Harry, but then she saw the perfect opportunity anyway. He was on the Quidditch pitch with his ex-girlfriend Cho Chang, they were talking and it seemed they might also be flirting. They were examining his broomstick together, when...

"Hey, Harry! Hey, Cho!" Hermione said.

"Morning, Hermione," Harry and Cho replied.

"Can I see your broomstick?" she asked. Without waiting for an answer she grabbed it off the bench. "It's so hard, and stiff. Ever grabbed his stick before, Cho?" Hermione said suggestively.

"Uh..." she replied.

"Sure you have - It feels good to run your hands over, doesn't it?... can I polish your broom for you one day, Harry?" she asked mischievously.

Harry choked slightly, "Uh..."

"Do you polish it often? I should imagine everyday – since it's so shiny."

"No, I generally wait a week before I... polish... it."

"Have you ridden his broom before Cho?" Hermione asked.

"I don't believe so..." Cho replied hesitantly.

"Oh, neither have I, though, I'd love to ride it one day," she said.

"Perhaps I'll talk to you later, Harry," Cho said. "Bye, Hermione."

"Oh well, must be off, have a good day, Harry," Hermione exclaimed.

Once she was out of earshot she gave an evil cackle at Harry's expression. She had been quite good to him, Ron, Neville and the other boys would get it really bad.

"But, Hermione, I don't understand... why do I need to wake Snape up?" Neville asked.

"The Rembliplical Potion that we left simmering after last class has gotten out of control! He needs to get there quick!"

"Alright! I'm off! You can count on me, Hermione!"

Hermione sat in the corridor near the Professors room, savouring the moment.

"Longbottom, you fool! We weren't doing Rembliplical potions last class! Detention, Longbottom! Now get out of my room, for Merlin's sake!"

"Sorry, Professor! Sorry, Mr. Mafoy - I didn't know you BOTH slept in the nude... shudder ... and that it was a hot night... but, Hermione, she..."

"I don't care what that silly little witch said! Fifty points from Gryffindor and another detention! Now, get out!" Professor Snape screeched. "And stop looking at me!"

"Wow, Hermione, thanks for making those adjustments to my soccer posters. I didn't know you could... Hermione, why are there women on my posters?"

"Whatever do you mean, Dean?"

"The... the players have all been transfigured into... wait, are they cross-dressers?"

"Oh dear, I'm afraid that can sometimes happen with the potion, it's only partially permanent."

"Well, wait, how do you change it back?"

"I don't think you can, Dean."

"But... you stuck them to the walls, if the guys see this..."

"Oh, I'll get them down for you later! Gotta run!"

"No! Wait, Hermione! Come back! Please! They won't come off the walls!"

"Crookshanks, I think you're the only real man around here, sometimes," Hermione said as she sighed dramatically. She was sitting on her bed.

Crookshanks purred, he obviously agreed with her.

"Hermione! I've been looking for you! Mind if I come in?" Ron said as he sat down, his skin colour had returned to normal.

"Hello, Ron, feeling better I presume?" Hermione asked innocently.

"Well, I am, but I represent complaints from... well, most of the fifth and sixth year Gryffindor boys...Coincidently, Malfoy said you're his new favourite person, and that he'd kiss you if you weren't a disgusting Mudblood."

"Well, he never did play nice with the other children. Honestly, what have you got to complain about?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, I don't know... Lee Jordan can't speak, and he's supposed to be commentating the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff match tomorrow."

"How terrible!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Oh, and Neville has to serve two detentions and he can't look at Snape without blushing..."

"Really? Why not?" Hermione asked.

"Dean's Soccer posters now feature cross-dressers, Seamus has the words, 'Come ride my broom, ladies (and gentlemen)' printed on all of his robes... does any of this ring a bell?" Ron asked.

"It sounds like the boys have had a horrible day!" Hermione replied.

"Coincidently, my skin turns orange, and Harry told me how you embarrassed him in front of Cho this morning," Ron continued.

"Oh, now that's not true, I was just asking about his broom!" Hermione stated.

"Hermione! You can't go pulling pranks like that on us!" Ron yelled.

"And why not? After all, you did see those changing room shots of me, didn't you," Hermione replied.

"I... uh..."

"You boys deserve exactly what you get for talking like that!" Hermione shrieked. "In fact, I went easy on you!"

"Hermione! That was a private conversation! At this rate you'll never get a boyfriend!"

"Great! I don't want one! Definitely not any of the immature little boys around here! What I would like is some respect – at least from you!"

"I – Well... But... Oh, for Merlin's sake, I'm sorry, Hermione! But Jeez, do you have to get your revenge like that?" Ron asked.

"Well, I had to feel you were all as humiliated as I felt," Hermione replied.

"Hermione, for once in your life, can you admit you handled it wrong?" Ron asked angrily.

"No, but I will promise that I'll consult you before I exact my revenge next time," Hermione compromised.

"Well, a heads-up would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so very much, Hermione," Ron spat sarcastically.

"It's what you deserve. Friends don't do that, and being male is no excuse!" Hermione yelled.

"Well, you shouldn't have been listening in on our conversations!"

"Well, you shouldn't be saying things that would hurt me to hear!"

"Just apologise for turning my skin orange!"

"It's what you deserve!"

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

"Why do you have to act like such a prat?"

"Oh, I give up, Hermione, you're hopeless!"

"And so are you, Ronald Weasley!" At that moment, Hermione had a strange resemblance to Ron's mother, her face was rather reddish looking

"Do you forgive me?" Ron asked.

"Yes."

"Then I forgive you," he replied.

"But I...

"Hermione..."

"Yeah, Ron?"

"I really do like you, and I... uhm..."

"Ron! Hermione! There you are, can I come in?" Harry said as he entered the room. "Hermione, Malfoy wants to know how you did the perfect stitching on Seamus' robes. He also wants to thank you for the best day of his life. Look, I know what you're angry about... and I'm sorry!"

"It's alright, Harry, sorry for interrupting you and Cho," Hermione replied.

"Eh, no problem... Neville, Seamus and the others all beg your forgiveness and promise to bask in your eternal reverence."

"Tell them I'm a merciful creature and thus will pardon them. See, Ron, you should have done it like that!"

"Oh, how could I have been so stupid, of course," Ron replied sarcastically.

"Oh, and can you help me with my potions homework?" Harry pleaded.

"Sure, oh, wait... where are my slippers?" Hermione asked.

"I think the boys are holding them hostage in case you refused their apologies..." Ron replied.

"What is it with you and those fluffy, pink, monster slippers anyway?" Harry asked.

"My slippers!" Hermione wailed as she flung herself out of the room.

"Women..." Ron and Harry muttered.

A/N: Yes, a very gushy chapter, I know. Results show people to be overwhelmingly H/Hr supporters. So I threw in a R/Hr moment there to throw you all off guard! The polls are still open. Pink, fluffy, monster slippers made another great cameo appearance. For all of you out their weeping at their loss... it's ok, they'll be back next chapter! I promise!

Thanks to the following beautiful reviewers, I love you all and have baked cookies for you!