The Life of Hermione Granger (Without a Boyfriend)
Sanity, Where Art Thou?
"No, Harry... ugh, how many times do we have to go through this? If you add too much shrivelfig, you die...only Voldemort wants that... ok, maybe Snape, too, and Malfoy!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Hermione, you are not helping!" Harry replied bitterly.
Harry and Hermione had been studying Potions together for two weeks. Hermione, mainly forced by the compassion of her lovely heart (and McGonagall), had cleaned up the mess she had bestowed upon the boys. Except for Neville; only therapy could fix that. Harry and the boys had found a much more secure location to hold their meetings. At least for now, as if they could keep it a secret from Hermione for long.
"Hermione... I don't think I'm EVER going to learn this," Harry said in exasperation.
"Yeah, I don't think so either..."
"What?"
"I said, 'Look, I think it's a beaver!'" Hermione replied quickly.
"Yeah, that's what I THOUGHT you said," Harry said grumpily. "Is Ron still trying to ask you out?"
"Yeah, but so far I've gotten out of it alright..." Hermione sighed, remembering their last few encounters.
"I'm sure he'll get over it," Harry replied, turning back to his work.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Hermione replied sarcastically.
"Hermione! I'm so glad we found you!" Lavender squealed as she and Parvati bounced out of nowhere.
"You'll never guess what happened, Hermione!" Parvati joined in.
"What? Has Voldemort been defeated? Draco announced he's in a serious relationship with Harry? Filch married Snape? What?" Hermione asked sarcastically bouncing in mockery of the two girls. Lavender and Parvati wouldn't realize they were insulted for another three weeks.
Harry's face went a strange puce colour. "Please, Hermione, I just ate..." he interjected.
"No! This is way more serious than any of that! A body-piercing shop has opened up in Hogsmeade and there's a Hogsmeade visit this Saturday!" Lavender said, jumping up and down.
"So...?" Hermione asked.
"But the thought of Draco AND Harry together is delish!" Parvati exclaimed.
"While the thought of Filch and Snape is extremely demented. Honestly, people underestimate you, Hermione!" Lavender interrupted.
"Anyway, Lavender and I are going, but there's a discount if three people get it done together. We were wondering if YOU wanted to do it, too!" Parvati replied.
"Yeah, Hermione, go get a piercing..." Harry said, rolling his eyes. It seemed to Harry to be a great idea, if only McGonagall would take the magic brownies and join the Ice Weasels in an escapade to the new world of California.
Hermione, coughed, spluttered, choked, fainted and was finally revived. "I can't get earrings!" she yelled. "Besides, why don't you take your girlfriend with you? Susan looks like she might be INSANE enough!"
"Oh you silly thing!" Lavender cackled. "Susan's just not that sort of girl!"
Besides, we can't get earings! McGonagall would have them out right away!" Pavarti clucked.
"We're talking about belly-buttons here! We've already booked you in! Don't worry, this is Wizarding piercing! It doesn't hurt a bit! Why are you being such a fuss-pot about this?" Lavender asked.
"Honestly, if you're that scared than I guess we could find someone else..." Parvati replied. A look seemed to be passing between the two girls - as if this had been preplanned.
"I'm not scare-"
"Don't worry, Herm-y... I'm sure people will understand..." Pavarti interrupted soothingly.
"Don't call me Herm-"
"After all, no one expects you'd do anything like get a piercing!" Lavender said.
"And why wouldn't they?"
"Oh... well, you're just so GOOD we shouldn't have even thought of it, but we assumed we knew you better..." Parvati answered.
"I can get a piercing if I want!"
"Great! We'll go on Saturday, then," Lavender said.
Lavender and Parvati bounced away before Hermione could say anything else.
"Looks like you're up for an adventure," Harry said as he gathered his books.
"Help me, Harry!" Hermione squeaked.
"Polish my broomstick sometime and I'll think about it," Harry replied with a chuckle as he walked away.
Hermione was astonished, to say the least.
Ginny, who had just entered, chased after Harry calling, "I'll polish your broomstick for you!"
Hermione was on her way to a Prefect meeting when Fred and George bounced up to her.
"Hey, Hermione, how are you?" Fred asked.
"Fine and dandy," she replied grumpily.
"Well, we heard you were getting a piercing and we're here to check up on you," George replied.
"Ugh, I can't BELIEVE I was talked into that!" Hermione said, frustrated.
"Well, if you REALLY want to get out of it, I'm sure we could arrange it..." Fred said innocently.
Hermione turned and gave them both VERY scrutinizing stares.
"Well, you see, Hermione," Fred said throatily, "we need help with a potion... for a joke. We were inspired by you and by all your pranks, and we really need your brain in on this!"
Hermione thought about it for a second. "What do I get out of it?" she asked.
"We'll get Lavender and Parvati off your back," Fred said.
"I'm not that desperate – I can tell them to go away on my own, thank you very much!" Hermione replied.
"Uhm, we could get Ron off your back, too," they offered.
Hermione thought for a second. "And if you get caught?"
"All we need from you is to tell us how to mix these two potions together without making them explode! You won't be implicated at all!" George promised.
"What if I don't do this?" Hermione asked.
"Parvati and Lavender are going to drag you into the piercing shop, and I think Ron's in love – little freak that he is," Fred said.
"And the slippers get it!" George added. "We have them locked up!"
"No! They've been through enough already!" Hermione choked miserably.
"Then just do this simple little potion theology for us," George replied.
"Alright, boys, but I'm out of your firing range. Hit me with this prank and you're dead!" Hermione warned.
"Right, we gotcha! You're immune from it, we promise!" Fred replied happily.
It seemed a lot of shifty deals were happening lately...
Hermione was very suspicious. Why would Lavender and Pavarti even bother trying to get her a piercing? That was extremely unusual. Somebody was planning something…
Hermione just wanted to be on the good side of it.
The low point - if Hermione could have tolerated things getting worse, came after the Prefect meeting. Maybe meeting up with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would be worse, but only if he was in a tea dress cooking crumpets. Maybe Hermione was exaggerating.
Hermione turned the corner of a passage in the dungeons. She had dismissed the other Prefects ages ago and had just spent an hour helping Professor McGonagall arrange for the party that would be given for the fifth, sixth and seventh year students. She was walking quietly when she found Draco Malfoy standing with a very guilty look on his face. Usually, if Malfoy had a guilty look on his face, Hermione immediately assumed evil was afoot. However, one of the paintings was in front of him, cracked and torn beyond recognition. She felt obliged to at least inspect the situation before knocking him unconscious and dragging his Death Eater butt to the nearest Guillotine...
"I didn't do it," he said quickly, with a glance at the ruined painting.
"What didn't you do? Maybe some work, or ANY of your Prefect duties for that matter?" Hermione asked sceptically, referring Malfoy's laziness as a Prefect.
"Probably..." he admitted.
"And evil? Are you saying you didn't do any of that either?" Hermione asked, referring to Malfoy's tendency to be a sadistic prat.
"Less probably," he replied.
"Do you know who did it?" Hermione asked.
"Uhm... no."
"'No' as in don't know or 'no' as in you won't tell me?"
"A little from column A, a little from column B," Malfoy replied.
"That's it! Where's a Guillotine?" she shrieked
"I was kidding! I have no idea! Stupid Mud- Muggle-born," Malfoy corrected himself. This was somewhat... ok, VERY out of character for Malfoy.
"So what happened, then?"
"Well, I was coming out of that closet and-" Malfoy was saying. Hermione assumed the 'closet' was not only literal but also somewhat figurative.
"What were you doing in a closet?"
"Nothing that I have to explain to you!" he said as he looked particularly defensive.
"The whole school already knows..."
"Knows what, exactly?"
"That you're... with Zabini..."
"Oh... Who told?" He seemed very nervous.
"Pansy-"
"I'm not a pansy, you stupid witch!"
"I meant Pansy, as in the person. Anyway, I don't blame you. I thought he was cute 'til I found out he was-"
"Shagging me?" Malfoy asked.
"Gay."
"Oh... Hey, Granger, something's been bothering me about Potter-"
"I don't know." Hermione was getting creeped out by the conversation.
"Right, well, I'll stay here, and you go get a teacher...if you think you can handle it without incriminating me, cough Mudblood cough."
"No, I'll stay here. You destroy the evidence, then get a teacher."
"What are you saying? You're a Prefect! What happened to responsibility? Muggle-borns, you're all the same! The teachers should know about this! They'll realize the picture is missing. I'm not going to break school rules! I'm too beautiful to be expelled! Please don't let them expel me!" he cried
"I mean of you... and Zabini. You have hickeys, and I'm only talking about the visible ones. Merlin knows where else they are. And really, Draco, 'too beautiful?'" Hermione asked.
"Oh... Riiight! Be back soon. Oh, and coincidently, I was doing myself an injustice with the word 'beautiful' - I'm gorgeous!"
"Whatever, Malfoy," Hermione said, resisting the urge to call him 'fairy-boy' to his face.
"Just ask Blaise..."
"Go!"
"Hey, Harry! Hermione! Ron! Did you hear? Obtivision is coming to Hogsmeade!" Neville said happily.
"What's Obtivision?" Harry asked. Seamus threw a newspaper at his head, and turned to the page with the day's news.
The Wizarding world is welcoming a brilliant new invention to England. Obtivision (OV) was invented six months ago and is being release, this week in Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley. Some witches and wizards are comparing it to a Muggle invention called 'television' working on the floo principles. The pictures are flooed to the owners OV via the Floo Network. This contraption can be placed anywhere in the wall through the use of a simple Wall Meld spell. Currently there are two channels, and one can chose either by telling the OV which channel is wanted. More channels are currently being planned...
"You don't know?" Ron asked excitedly. "It's this great new invention! You can see pictures and stories acted out in front of you! It's really cool!"
"Oh, like a TV?" Harry asked, skimming the clipping.
"What's a TV?" Neville asked.
"It's a box that shows pictures," Harry replied.
"Well, they don't need those; there's OV now," Ron chipped in.
"Yeah, but they don't have magic," Hermione interrupted.
"Oh, does it run on eleccticy?" Ron asked.
"Very good, Ron!" Hermione replied, patting his head.
"Like compluters?" Ron continued.
"Yes, Ron," Harry replied.
"How do compluters work? What do they do?" Ron asked.
"Most of the time, they don't," Hermione said under her breath so as not to upset the computer gods. They are very vengeful creatures.
"Oh, yeah, wizards play pranks where they break people's computers by sending computer sicknesses and such," Seamus said.
"Compluters can get sick?"
"Shut up, Ron," Harry said. "Wow, these look really cool," he continued. "I wish we could get one."
"But we can! They have discounts for students and they've been mass produced in Romania, so they're really cheap!" Seamus butted in.
"I might buy one," Hermione mused.
The boys agreed to pitch in money to buy one for the fifth year boys' dorm, and Hermione and the girls put their money together that night, all agreeing to buy theirs when they went to Hogsmeade that weekend.
An owl then flew in, delivering a note to Hermione, from her fluffy, pink, monster slippers, telling her that Fred and George Weasley were treating them properly.
Well, another chapter, I hope you liked it! Fluffy, pink, monster slippers just don't get a break, do they? First the boys, now Fred and George.
Huge thanks to the following reviewers, you are ALL appreciated!
Sorry to all those D/Hr supporters! I am one of you! I know I just blew it out the window by making him gay, but believe me, it's all for the best.
Thanks to all that mentioned my b-day! Cookies to you!
Obtivision is my own invention.
"A little from column A, a little from column B." Is from the Simpsons, as are the ice weasels (that I flogged from Valarchic, a very talented beta of mine).