The Life of Hermione Granger (Without a Boyfriend)

Nice to Meet You, My Name's Doug

Christmas was a week away, and the party for the higher grades would come soon after that. It was a Hogsmeade trip that weekend and Hermione was in high spirits. Parvati and Lavender had approached, apologizing and saying they had had no idea. Exactly what they had no idea of was a mystery to Hermione, but it didn't matter, she was free of them. True to their bargain, Fred and George had also taken care of Ron.

Ron had not said anything, merely gave her weird looks and acted like he had never been infatuated with her. Everything was almost back to normal, and the clincher was that she had gone to bed last night and found her fluffy pink monster slippers waiting for her.

Hermione had just come back from shopping in Hogsmeade with the boys. She'd left them to go buy presents while she got theirs.

She hadn't been really sure what to buy Harry. Really, there were a lot of those 'how to defeat evil overlord' books around, but Harry seemed to be quite good at that already. And as for Ron, well, the obvious choice would be something that had Chuddley Cannons on it, but he had everything. The store clerk actually asked her what kind of loser owns every piece of Chuddley Cannons merchandise there is.

So, she had bought Ron a cactus, named Doug. She figured small things amused small minds. Not that Ron's mind was too small... only, he didn't appreciate apologizing to her like Harry did. For Harry, she had found a book entitled 'The Top 101 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord' by Peter Anspach. Voldemort would probably read this book too, so Hermione wanted Harry to be on top or things.

She had been Owling Eloise over the holidays. She liked Eloise, but the girl had some major issues to deal with. Her obsession with boys being one, and her obsession with using one piece of goddamn paper for correspondence being another.

Hey Hermione! How are you? I've barely had time to right – been shagging like a bunny on steroids. I took my boyfriend shopping and made him buy me something really expensive. I hope they boys haven't bought you feminine products or anything. Especially after last year's presents... My parents say hi and they hope you're going well. They asked if there was any special man in your life. Of course, I told them that you were a lesbian. (Really darling, how else am I going to explain it to them? I'll tell them it was all a horrible faze if you ever get yourself a man.) I miss talking to you. I'm having a great Christmas over here. Wish you'd come! Can't wait to see you again!

Love Eloise

Ps. My parents said I can't stay over for the summer. They're worried about your influence on me.

To Eloise,

This is the proper way to address a letter. Just so you know. I'm not going to even comment on your sex life. That's all your own business, honestly. The boys bloody well better buy me something better this year! I don't know what they were thinking – pitching in together buying a leaf-blower! I'm... glad to hear that you can get your boyfriend to buy you expensive things. I hope that's not the ONLY reason why you're in this relationship though, you acne prone fool.

Lesbian? You told them I was a lesbian? Why couldn't you just tell them I'm not interested? I'm sure they'd understand. Wait, these are your parents. Never mind. I can't even TRY and convince you that there ARE people who don't get married and shag a lot. Let alone ask you to convince anyone else of it. Never mind. Everything is great here. Doug is looking great. He's a cactus I bought for Ron... Don't bother replying telling me I need a man. I miss you heaps.

-Sincerely Hermione.

See! She told no one in particular. Eloise was obviously unbalanced, and Hermione didn't need a boyfriend at all.

She wandered down to the common room in a bad mood. Harry and Ron were sitting around chatting with Seamus Finnigan.

As soon as she reached the bottom of the stairs, Seamus approached.

"Uh, Hermione, can I talk to you for a second?" he asked.

Ok, Hermione absolutely loved Irish accents, so she'd probably begged him to have a million of his babies if she a) wasn't on another of her 'boys suck' tangents, b) felt that Seamus was a good guy to procreate with - he was a little too attached to his mother for his own good, and c) felt the economy was stable enough to support a child for a fifteen year old mother. That's Hermione for you. And everyone thought she was such a prune. She let out a hysterical laugh - she'd prove them all wrong one day.

'Hermione? Are you ok?" Seamus asked, perhaps a little thrown off by the hysterical laugh. It was the first time her evil laugh was ever very convincing and all wasted on someone like Seamus. Is there no justice?

'Oh, sorry Seamus, what do you want?" Hermione asked.

"Here," Seamus said, giving her a card.

Hermione opened it and read the inside:

Dear Hermione,

You're as pretty as the day,

Although usually I would never say.

I think sometimes you're very scary,

And only moderately hairy.

But I think you're just fine.

So please be my Valentine.

I won't ask to see Uranus,

Love, from your friend, Seamus.

"Seamus," Hermione said, "Valentines' day is ages away."

"Yeah, I actually wanted to ask you to the Pub thing, but 'Pub thing' didn't rhyme with 'fine'," Seamus replied.

"You want me to go to the Pub thing with you?" Hermione asked, just a tad floored.

How could she let Seamus down gently? After all, having his babies was one thing, going to the Party thing was something else entirely...

"Eh, sorry Seamus, I don't mean to butt in or anything," Harry said. "It's just that, Hermione already said she'd go to the Pub thing with me..."

"Oh, sorry! My mistake," Seamus replied. "I didn't realize you two were... like that."

Seamus bowed off. What a gentleman, Hermione thought, when he talks, that is. May he never shut his mouth.

"Harry, you didn't tell me we were going to the Pub thing together," Hermione said when Seamus was out of earshot.

"Yeah well, I could see you didn't want to go with him," Harry replied, nonplused. Hermione was extremely suspicious. She knew the truth of the world. Male friends were very rarely this good. Something was going on. No matter how many times she was told she was being paranoid – something was going on!

"So why don't you two go together?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, that'd be cool," Harry replied. "Are you up for it?"

How strange, Harry was usually very shy when asking a girl to do...stuff. Hermione would find out what had changed. Oh yes she would. Move over Sherlock, you chubby pimp.

"Yeah sure, I don't really care either way," Hermione replied.

Harry, with his hands in his pockets, walked off with Ron. That is when Hermione saw it. Harry had a hickey.

Oh for the love of Merlin and all that is bookish, Hermione thought to herself. Harry had a girlfriend, but then, why wouldn't he want to go with this mystery woman?

Hermione decided she'd find out who it was, oh yes she would insert evil laugh here. How dare he use her as a cover up? She refused! It was embarrassing!

She'd return to her room, and start thinking right away. However, when she did get up to her room, she was somewhat lost in thought.

So she turned to the only creature around that could comfort her. No, it wasn't Crookshanks, that tubby cat was the love of her life but he was so critical. And he never thought her psychopathic schemes were good. So no, it wasn't Crookshanks, but Doug that she turned to for comfort.

"Doug, huh? That's a funny name. Not that Hermione isn't or anything, yours is just kind of... interesting," she said pensively. "My name is Greek actually. You see, there was this woman, Helen, married to Menelaos. He was a red haired king, by the way. Anyway, she ran off with Prince Paris of Troy and it started a whole war. After about ten years it was stopped by Odysseus and Helen went back to Menelaos. She already had a daughter named Hermione, who married Meneloas's son. It's all very involved. I'll read you the Odyssey. It's incredibly exciting you know, written completely in Greek Prose that are thousands of years old."

Hermione looked at Doug fondly. Doug sat there, absorbing sunlight.

"You aren't such bad company you know," Hermione said.

Absorb Absorb Absorb Doug replied.

"I still need to find out what happened to that portrait, on top of that I have to find out who Harry is snogging. It couldn't be Eloise - she's got more man that she can handle already," Hermione mused. "He could be snogging Snape! Or Ron! Or get this Doug... Malfoy!" Hermione said, laughing herself into hysterics.

Nerdy people always think they're a real riot.

"Oh Doug, I'm going to have a lot of trouble giving you to Ron..." Hermione continued. "Oh bugger, I have to go and talk to McGonagall now! Bye Doug!"

Hermione raced all the way to McGonagall's room.

"Sorry I'm late Professor," Hermione said.

"Miss Granger, good to see you have repossessed your fluffy pink monster slippers," Professor McGonagall replied.

"Sorry, Professor, I forgot we had a meeting," Hermione replied.

"I would like to discuss with you what happened to the painting in the corridor. As a prefect you should be thoroughly warned of such things. I suppose it is a rarity to happen but I do not wish other students to be alarmed..."

However before she could finish explaining, and shadowy figure grew out of the darkness and raised a hand. Hermione pulled out her wand to try and hex it however...

Hermione dies the story is over blah blah blah. I'm just kidding. Wait until next chapter kiddies.

Despite popular opinion, I'm a forty-year-old man named Wilbur living in a tiny shed in South America. I've written romance novels under the nickname Bleaden Hart. My only companion in my pet rock. This is a small world for me.

Incase you aren't onto me yet, I'm lying. I'm terrible for that. But anyway, I was trying to make a point. Actually... no I wasn't. Oh yeah, I remember now. I don't mind criticism. Make it constructive. Tell me what's wrong with the story if you don't like it. I have had people who have done this really well and I love them and want to have their babies. I've had other people who have just said they don't like it. Fat lot of good that'll do. So please give reasons. If you think the whole thing is just a piece of POS feel free to mention that.