Author's Note: Ha. This fiction was a challenge for me, created by a wonderful authoress, one of my partner's in crime, Li Li (pen name: nessa-melwasul [on fan fiction]). The requirements for this were... It had to include pineapple, ice cream, and it had to be set in the Marauder's Era. So I apologize if I have done anything exceedingly out of character, because this is my first Marauder's Era fan fiction.
WARNING: Remus and Sirius will be slightly out of character, due to my deranged mind. If you are offended by that, don't read!
Disclaimer: I do not own the copyrights for the Marauders, nor do I own copyrights for Wanna Come In? I do, however, own any characters I created, and I'm making up a crew for the show, so I can own them too. =]
When MTV's Wanna Come In? Meets the Marauders
The Gryffindor common room was deserted, save for one individual, grinning maniacally. Sirius Black had found a form to fill out. It wasn't concerning the wizarding world, but rather, the world of dating. What would a handsome boy of 16 need with such a form, you ask? It wasn't for himself. It was for the fellow Marauder, Moony, or Remus.
"Just wait, Moony. You'll thank me for this one day... Yes, you will..." The raven haired boy muttered to himself, letting out a quite cackle. He dipped his quill into a pot of ink as black as his hair, finishing the final word. Although no one was up at this hour, he looked around the common room, then rolled up the form, and crept up to the sixth year boy's dormitory.
"Prongs." He whispered, poking his best friend, James Potter. There was no answer. "Prongs!" Sirius jabbed him. Prongs woke up with a start, almost colliding with the other animagus.
"Sirius!" James seethed. "This had better-" Padfoot clapped a hand over his friend's mouth.
"Quite. Don't wake Moony. He can't know about this. Yet." He dropped his hand. "I need to borrow your cloak."
"Did you really need to wake me up for that, dammit?!" Prongs hissed. "Of course you can. Now go away." He moodily shut his scarlet curtains and within a few minutes was asleep again. Sirius rolled his eyes, opening his friend's trunk and pulling out the most prized possession. He paused for a second to listen for any unusual noises, then pulled the cloak over himself. Before he left he grabbed the Marauder's Map, then disappeared from the dormitory and from the whole Gryffindor's area of the castle.
One Month Later"SIRIUS!" Remus yelled, his eyes flashing in anger. "Sirius Black, what the fuck did you sign me up for again?!!!" He had quite a strong urge to just sock his friend in the face, give him a bloody something or other, but he wanted to hear an explanation first. Sirius, however, was looking both amused and pleased with himself. So much so, that he thought nothing of Moony's fury.
"It's a muggle show on a television network called MTV. It's called Wanna Come In? It's where they take dating impaired gentlemen – no offense, Moony – and pair them up with a um... "stud". I think that's someone like me, who gets a lot of girls. Um... Like a pimp, I suppose." Sirius smiled, and Remus snorted and rolled his eyes.
"So, you're telling me, that I'm going to be on the show... Today, was it? I have things to do today! I have essays to write, potions to make, research to do-"
"Not today, my friend. You will be the "dud", as it is called, and I," Sirius cut off his friend, grinning. "Will be your mentor, the "stud". Understood? Now, they should be here... Any time now. So, just pretend, that you don't even know me, okay? I will be in the Entrance Hall, waiting for the camera crew and the limousine to arrive. Okay? Okay. Remember, we don't know each other." Sirius winked, and strode out of the room.
"Damn him." Remus muttered, sitting down on his four poster bed, and punching his pillow. "I hate you, Sirius." Moony didn't really mean that, of course, but at the moment it was almost true. In the mean time, he pulled out a scroll of parchment and a text-book, starting on his Transfiguration essay. Such a good little scholar, non?
Barely an hour later, director/producer of the show came up to the boy's dormitory. She burst through the door, followed by the camera crew. The first impression Remus got of her was a bubbly, blonde, idiot; but a very ambitious idiot at that. Clearly, she was without the knowledge that this was the boys' dormitory.
"You, boy, are you," She checked a slip of paper she was holding. "Remus Lupin? Did I say that right?" Even though she had asked a question, she didn't stop to hear his answer. Instead, Remus just nodded. "Okay, well, here's the deal. You have been selected to appear on my show, Wanna Come In? You are the dud. The stud will come and guide you through a date with a girl, okay? Do you have a television anywhere?" This time she did wait for an answer.
"No." Remus said flatly, one of his eyebrows raised. The woman sucked on her lower lip thoughtfully.
"We'll have to use one of the monitors for a television then. Your stud, who is your guide, in case you have forgotten, is named Sirius Black. My name is Whitby, do you have any questions?"
Yeah, is it too late to cancel on this show? And why is your name Whitby? Did you choose it yourself? "No. I don't."
"Well, good, because I don't have time to answer them. Now, your stud will arrive, we will be filming, and he will explain some of what you have to do. I have already prepped him. Now, you are to wear the most hideous outfit you can assemble when you meet him, understood? I'm going to give you," Whitby consulted her watch for a moment. "Ten minutes to do that, and then we will get Sirius up here and we will start to film."
"Shouldn't we be using the front of this... school?" Camera A asked her.
"The doors are too large. People will wonder where the hell we are. No, we'll use this dormitory."
"And don't we have to film the part where both the kids tell a little about themselves?"
"Oh, right, of course." She turned to Remus.
"What the hell are you waiting for, kid? We don't have all day! Find your worst outfit, now!" Remus jumped up from the bed, rummaging through his trunk. He pulled out a maroon shirt that was very tattered and the color was fading. Next he pulled out a pair of baggy jeans with cuts on them. Lastly, he pulled out his Gryffindor scarf; gold and scarlet. These put together should be bad enough for the show. He went into the shared bathroom, changing his clothing. He came out, looking like he was a hurricane survivor. Whitby scrutinized him for a moment.
"I guess that will have to do." She said simply. Remus almost gaped at her. That will have to do?? "Now, I want you to sit... On the window bench, and say your name, your age, your hobbies, and that you are the dud. Okay? Can you remember that? Okay, sit down now."
Remus gave her a little glare, sitting down on the window bench, one leg dangling down, and the other on the bench, creating a triangle.
"Tut, now dear, it will not do you any good to glare like that. Stop it this instant." Whitby snapped. He dropped the glare, putting on a small smile. "That's much better." She praised. "Aaron, you know your angle." Remus guessed that Aaron was the one who ran Camera A. "And don't just stand there, Bob!" Bob (Camera B) moved to the right side at an angle. "For heaven's sake, Cam, I don't suppose I have to ask you to get to your position also!" Whitby shouted, stomping her foot. Cameron (Camera C) moved directly in front of Moony.
"Ready? Now, begin." She said loudly as soon as Remus gave a half smile again.
"Hey, I'm Remus Lupin, and I'm sixteen years old. My hobbies are reading, doing my homework, and sneaking around school after curfew. I'm the dud."
"And cut!"
I just contradicted myself... "I like to do my homework, and I sneak around school after dark." Just great. He rolled his eyes.
"We don't have enough time to run through it again, so that will have to do." A lot of things will 'have to do' with her... Remus thought. "Now, where is Sirius?"
"Outside the door." A Production Assistant informed Whitby. Suck up. Remus thought.
"Thank you. Open the door now." The PA opened up the door, and in came Sirius. "Remus, off the bench, it's Sirius's turn." Sirius grinned and sat down on the bench as Remus moved. Moony glared at him from a point of view where no one could see.
"Now, Sirius. I want you to say your name, your age, your hobbies, and that you are the stud." Sirius nodded. "Ready? Begin!"
"What's up, my name is Sirius Black. I'm sixteen, and my hobbies are poking fun at the first years, making Severus Snape's life a living hell, and hanging with the chicks. I'm the stud." Sirius smiled, the heart warming smile that made any woman instantly melt; the movie star smile.
"And cut. Lovely work." Whitby praised, smiling. She's smitten with him. Remus thought, almost jealously. "Now, Sirius, go back outside, we need to film the part where you meet Remus."
This is going to be one hell of a time. Remus thought, before being jerked out of his thoughts to do Whitby's bidding.
Later, Movie Time"So, are you ready to watch the video of the hot chick waiting to go on a date with you?" Sirius asked, facing the cameras at a slant.
"Sure." Remus replied, acting enthusiastic, like Whitby had told him to. Inside, he was ready to strangle Sirius within a second's notice. Sirius grinned, pushing the video-tape into the VHS player. A girl with honey blonde hair and semi-tan skin came onto the screen.
"I'm Li, and I'm fifteen years old. I wanted to be on this show-" The girl, Li, continued on with her explanation and after she was done.
"Are you excited to meet her?"
Remus nodded eagerly, just like he had been told by the dictator. "Yeah."
"Well, now you get to call her. You have to sound excited and like you really are interested in meeting her. Because you are, right? Right." Sirius handed him a cell phone. "Just press the green phone button, and talk to her." Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes, and pressed the green button.
"Hello?"
"Hey, this is Remus."
"Hi..."
"I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me, tonight."
"Sure."
"Alright, I'll pick you up at six?"
"Sounds good, I'll be ready. Bye."
"See you." Remus turned the cell phone off, handing it back to Sirius.
Ten minutes later, Remus, Sirius, and Camera A, B, and C were piled into the back of the limousine. Sirius had been given a little earpiece to give to Remus. Whitby was in the passenger seat, and turned around.
"And begin." She told the camera crew, and they started filming.
"I want to give you something, Remus. This is an earpiece that will allow you to hear my suggestions." Padfoot handed the tiny device to his friend. "Put it in the ear that won't be next to the girl, because that would raise questions. And now," Sirius opened the door. "It is time for me to go up to the front of the vehicle, and it is time for you to go and get Li. Good luck."
Remus nodded and slid out of the black limousine, walking up the gravel drive way. He was dreadfully aware of cameras A, B, and C following his every movement, and it was starting to annoy him slightly. His slightly trembling hand came up to the door-bell, ringing it once and putting a smile on his face. After a moment a girl opened up the door, also wearing a smile.
"Well... Nice to meet you?" He stuttered, thinking for a brief second that it had been almost worth it to go on this show, just to meet her. Almost. There was still the possibility that she could be a total ditz once he got to know her. Li giggled nervously.
"Yeah, nice to meet you too."
"Er... The limousine is waiting, come on." He offered her his hand, and she took it.
Inside the limousine, Sirius had his head in his hands. This was hopeless. One of his best friends couldn't keep from stuttering around this girl – before dinner had even started! How on earth was Sirius supposed to get that money? Oh, wait. That's right. He had the power to talk to Remus through this muggle object. It was called a microphone, right? He fiddled with it for a second, then spoke into it. Or rather, shouted.
"REMUS, RELAX AND BE YOURSE-" He started yelling, but Whitby clapped a hand over his mouth.
"Shut it, do you want Li to hear you through the microphone?!!" She snapped furiously, letting her hand fall only when he shook his head to indicate he didn't want her to hear and that he would be quieter.
"OW! SHIT!" Remus yelled, clapping a hand over his ear with the earpiece in it. God damn you, Sirius! He thought, dearly wanting to kill his friend.
"What's wrong?!" Li asked, worried, and slightly puzzled.
"Nothing." Remus replied through gritted teeth, trying to smile. "It's just that... My friend Sirius has really poor aim and he got mad at someone we know, only, he hit my ear instead of hitting the other person."
"I'm really sorry about that... Do you want me to look and see if there's anything wrong?"
Yes, dammit, you're cute, hell yes! His mind shouted, and he turned slightly pink because a girl cared that his ear had gotten hurt. Even though it wasn't in the way he had told her.
"No, I'm fine." Remus replied, remembering the ear-piece. He let go of Li's hand, opening up the limousine door. "After you."
"Thank you." She replied, getting in. He followed her into the stretched out car. Several minutes passed in silence with the car moving. Both Li and Remus were looking out the window; both casting around for subjects and things to ask the other about.
Sirius was still upfront, looking at a small monitor with the couple in it. You will thank me for this, Remus, yes you will. He thought, shaking his head at how inexperienced in dealing with girls Moony was.
"Get closer to her. Ask her what she likes to do." Sirius told Remus, using the microphone.
And here comes my dying day. Moony thought, oh-so tempted to say that his earpiece was dysfunctional and he had not heard his friend. He turned away from the window, facing Li, and scooting a few inches closer.
"So... What kind of things do you like to do?" He asked, actually interested. She jerked away from the window, looking at him.
"I take tae kwon do, I'm a yellow belt. I also like to write poetry and fan fictions. What do you like to do?"
"I... I like to read. And call me a teacher's pet, but I also like to do my homework assignments and go to class..." Remus trailed off, feeling like he could have been a slug and been more interesting.
"I love to read too." Li smiled. "So what kind of books do you like?" Before Remus could think of a suitable answer, the limousine came to a halt.
"Oh... Looks like we're here." He tried to sound a little disappointed, but on the inside he was so glad that he didn't have to rack his mind for a popular muggle book. Opening the door, he held out his hand for Li once more. She took it, sliding out of the limousine.
"Is this the Granary?" She asked in shock, looking around. Remus nodded. "But isn't this place really expensive?"
"It's been worked out, so don't worry about it. And it's okay if you're wearing jeans too." He added, noticing for the first time that she was wearing jeans and a tank top with monkeys on it. "We had better get going, we don't want to miss the reservation." She nodded, following him through the doors.
"Lupin, party of two?" The receptionist asked, with a knowing smile.
"Yes ma'am." Remus replied, squeezing Li's hand gently. The receptionist picked up two menus and a wine list, despite the fact that they were underage. She turned back to them, stepping over towards the carpeted staircase.
"Please follow me." Remus and Li glided down the staircase after the receptionist, who led them to a secluded table for two with a beautiful view of the valley below them. Li gave a small gasp, looking out the window.
"Is this suitable?"
"Yes, thank you."
"Your server will be out in a minute to take your orders for drinks." The receptionist walked away, back up the stairs.
"What do you want to drink?" He asked Li, who was looking over the drinks.
"I don't know... But I bet if we really wanted to, we could order wine! I mean, they did give us a wine list, after all." She laughed a little, still nervous. He couldn't help but crack a genuine grin at that comment.
"Underage drinker, are we?"
"Um... No... What are you talking about?" She replied with shifty eyes. Of course she was just joking, and she laughed again. "But, no, I'm not. Seriously. It is tempting to order some though. Did you see the champagne that costs two hundred dollars?" She held out the wine list, her finger pointing to the list of champagne. Remus found the bottle she was talking about, laughing.
"I wonder if anyone has bought that bottle before." He mused out loud.
"Probably rich movie stars like Lauryl Barr." Li remarked, grinning.
"Good evening, welcome to the Granary," Their server had arrived. "My name is Ana, and I will be your waitress tonight. Could I start you off with a drink?" Ana held her small pad of paper before her, with a pencil poised to take the orders.
"I'll take a sherley temple, please." Li told Ana.
"And I'll take a coke, please."
"Okay, and have you decided on what to eat?"
"I think we're still deciding." Remus replied, looking to Li, who nodded.
"Well I'll bring out your drinks then." Ana walked away, a spring in her step. Remus found himself thinking that she should be a blonde instead of having black hair.
"Foie gras?" Li said, making a face. He laughed.
"Goose liver."
"I know that, but... Ew." She muttered, looking at the rest of the menu. Remus grinned and shook his head, turning back to his menu also. God, the only safe stuff on here seems to be a Caesar salad. He looked up as his Coke was set down in front of him.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. Have you decided on what to eat?" Her pencil was once again poised over her pad of paper.
"I'll take a Caesar salad." Li told Ana, who wrote it down.
"Make that two." Remus said with a grin. Ana nodded and went to the kitchens. "Decided that was the only thing safe, too?"
"Yeah." Li laughed.
"Remus, the challenges are starting now. They've decided that you've gotten too comfortable with Li." Sirius said into the microphone placed before him and the monitor. "Your first challenge is to compliment her using the word 'pineapple'. You have thirty seconds, go."
Oh Dear God. Remus thought, racking his mind for a way that wouldn't make him look like a moron.
"I love the color of your hair, did you dye it?" I sound like such an idiot. Li laughed.
"No, it's natural."
"It reminds me a little bit of the outside of a pineapple."
"Is that a compliment?" She asked, looking confused. Remus nodded, so dearly wanting to go to the rest room until the show was over.
"Yeah, its' a compliment." I'll explain later.
Back in a secret room, three hundred dollars was added to the total of money that Sirius would get. But, of course, he would only get it if Li invited Remus inside her house.
"YES!" Sirius shouted, extremely glad that this room was sound proof. And the best part about it was that Remus couldn't hear that, because he had to press a button to communicate with him. The next challenge popped up on the screen. "Remus, the next challenge is to get Li to mention the children's series, Harry Potter. You can't say any of the character's names, the book's titles, or the author's name though. Good luck. You have one minute and thirty seconds."
Remus and Sirius both had to hide their true feelings. This was more than a bit eerie... Oh dear, how do I do this...?? Remus thought wildly. Then it hit him.
"What kind of music do you listen to?" He asked Li.
"I like Nickelback, the Goo Goo Dolls, and Avril Lavigne. What kind of music do you listen to?"
"I listen to the Weird Sisters." Please let her know who they are, pleaaaaaase. He thought, pleading. Li gave him a quizzical look.
"But isn't that a wizarding band from the Harry Potter series?"
"YOU GO REMUS!" Sirius shouted, again, still without pressing the button so Remus could hear him. Seven hundred dollars had been added to their total, making the grand total one thousand dollars. You have to get her to invite you in!
About ten minutes passed before the next challenge. Apparently Remus had been completing these tasks too easily, so they decided to give him a harder one. Dessert would be on the house; two ice cream sundaes. The challenge would be...
"Okay, Remus, this is your final challenge. You have to get her to feed you some ice cream. You will have one and a half minutes, go." Sirius finished, racking his mind for ways too.
Jesus Christ! Remus thought with alarm, his mind flitting around for even the tiniest idea. He looked down at his ice cream to hide his face from Li. The last thing he needed was for her to see his emotions right now. Maybe if he fed her some ice cream, she would feed him some ice cream. The idea was worth a try. He picked up his spoon, loading a small amount of ice cream on it.
"Open up." He said, laughing a little at how stupid this was. Li looked up, laughing also.
"You've got to be joking."
"Nope. Please?" He gave her his best puppy dog eyes treatment, which wasn't that awesome. She gave in though.
"Fine." She replied, shaking her head a little and opened her mouth to take the ice cream from his spoon. Remus hadn't made sure that the melted ice cream on the bottom of the spoon was gone, so she got a little on her lower lip. Before he knew what he was doing, he reached across the table and wiped it away gently with his thumb. Her skin was so smooth... Li blushed a little, but made no movement to feed him ice cream.
"Remus, ask her to. 15 seconds left." Sirius said clearly, trying not to scream in frustration.
I hate you Sirius. Moony thought, taking a deep breath, bottling his pride, and opening his mouth to ask her.
"Can-?"
"Could-?"
"You first." Remus said hurriedly.
"Would you mind if I fed you some ice cream too?" She asked, blushing slightly, and scooping some ice cream onto her spoon.
"Sure."
Sirius let out the longest and loudest sigh humanely imaginable when Li asked that, and then he let another one out when she had finished. With almost a second to spare.
Again, Sirius found himself on the edge of his seat. The limousine had just pulled up at Li's house, and Remus was walking her to the door.
"I had a really good time." He told her, blushing a little. "I don't remember the last time I had that much fun with a girl." Oh, damn, wrong thing to say. He mentally berated himself for his last comment.
"Yeah, I had a good time too." Li replied, smiling. They had reached the porch, and she gave him a hug. He hugged her back. He wasn't going to be going inside, this was the good-bye hug... Oh well, not like it would really work anyways. But a part (okay, a LARGE part) of him would be sad to just go away. "Thank you for the fun time." She told him, opening her house door, stepping inside, and shutting it behind her.
Remus sighed, turning around and stepped off the porch. Sirius was looking very ashen faced in the awaiting vehicle. A creak of a door sounded, and Remus spun around to see Li standing in the door-way, blushing profusely.
"W-wanna come in?"
Author's Note: And that is how it all ends... And The Granary is a restaurant on the top of a mountain in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. (And yes, they do seel foie gras! 0o)I do not own the copyrights for the name, and whatever else. I do, however, own all of the characters besides Remus and Sirius and James. Got it? Good.
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