Tuesday, September 23
Sometimes it seems like all I ever do is lie.
My mum thinks I'm repressing my feelings about this. I write to her, "No, Mum, I'm not. I think it's really neat. As long as you're happy, I'm happy."
Mum wrote back, "I don't think you're being honest with me." Then she sends me this book, since, she says, I obviously don't feel I can write to her about them.
She wants me to write down my feelings? Okay, I'll write down my feelings: I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S DOING THIS TO ME!
Like everybody doesn't already think I'm a freak. I'm practically the biggest freak in the entire school. I mean, let's face it: I'm a five foot nine, flat-chested, and a fourth year. How much more of a freak could I be?
If people at school find out about this, I'm dead. That's it. Dead.
Oh, God, if you really do exist, please don't let them find out about this.
There are four million people in London, right? That makes about two million of them guys. So out of TWO MILLION guys, she has to go out with Professor Morano. She can't go out with some guy I don't know. She can't go out with some guy she met at Starbucks or whatever. Oh, no.
She has to go out with my Potions professor.
Thanks, mum. Thanks a whole lot.
Wednesday, September 24, DADA
Adia's like, "Professor Morano's cool."
Yeah, right. He's cool if you're Adia Potter. He's cool if you're good at Potions, like Adia Potter. He's not so cool if you're flunking Potions, like me.
He's not so cool if he makes you stay after classes EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY DAY from 2:30 to 3:30 to practice making a CLEANING potion when you could be hanging out with friends. He's not so cool if he owls your mother in for a parent/teacher conference to talk about how you're flunking potions, then ASKS HER OUT.
And he's not so cool if he's sticking his tongue in your mum's mouth.
Not that I've actually seen them do this. They haven't even been on their first date yet. And I don't think my mum would ever let a guy put his tongue in her mouth on the first date.
At least, I hope not.
I saw Amos Diggory stick his tongue in Danielle Caraway's mouth last week. I had this totally close-up view, since they were leaning up against the wall next to where I was standing waiting to get into the transfiguration room. It kind of grossed me out.
Though I can't say I'd mind if Amos Diggory kissed me like that. The other day Adia and I were at Honeydukes picking up some Bertie Bots Every Flavor Beans to send to my mum, and I noticed Amos waiting at the checkout counter. He saw me and he actually sort of smiled and said, "Hey."
Adia says Josh's synapses were probably misfiring that day, due to heatstroke or something. She said he probably thought I looked familiar but couldn't place my face without the stone walls of Hogwarts behind me. Why else, she asked, would the most popular seventh year at Hogwarts say hey to me, Lily Evans, a lowly fourth year?
But I know it wasn't heatstroke. The truth is, when he's away from Danielle and all his jock friends, Amos is a totally different person. The kind of person who doesn't care if a girl is flat-chested or wears size-ten shoes. The kind of person who can see beyond all that into the depths of a girl's soul. I know because when I looked into his eyes that day at Honeydukes, I saw the deeply sensitive person inside him, struggling to get out.
Adia says I have an overactive imagination and a pathological need to invent drama in my life. She says the fact that I'm so upset about my mum and Professor M is a classic example.
"If you're that upset about it, just tell your mum," Adia says. "Tell her you don't want her going out with him. I don't understand you, Lily. You're always going around, lying about how you feel. Why don't you just assert yourself for a change? Your feelings have worth, you know."
Oh, right. Like I'm going to bum my mum out like that. She's so totally happy about this date; it's enough to make me want to throw up.
I don't understand any of this.
THINGS TO DO:
1.Buy cat litter
2.Finish cleaning potion for Professor M
3.Stop telling Adia everything
4.History of Magic report on Iceland (20 inches)
5.Stop thinking so much about Amos Diggory
6.Give house elves laundry
7.October tuition (make sure Mum has sent in Dad's payment)
8.Be more assertive
19.Measure chest
Thursday, September 25
In Potions today all I could think about was how Professor Morano might put his tongue in my mum's mouth tomorrow night during their date. I just sat there, staring at him. He asked me a really easy question – I swear, he saves all the easy ones for me, like he doesn't want me to feel left out or something – and I totally didn't even hear it. I was like, "What?"
Then Danielle Caraway made that sound she always makes and leaned over to me so that all her blond hair swished onto my desk. I got hit by this giant wave of perfume, and them Danielle hissed in this really mean voice:
"FREAK."
Only she said it like it had more that one syllable. Like it was spelled FUR-REEK.
How come nice people like Princess Diana get killed in car wrecks but mean people like Danielle never do? I don't understand what Amos Diggory sees in her. I mean, yeah, she's pretty. But she's so mean. Doesn't he notice?
Maybe Danielle is nice to Amos, though. I'd sure be nice to Amos. He is the best-looking boy at Hogwarts. A lot of the boys look totally geeky in our school's uniform, which for boys is gray pants, white shirt, gray sweater, and robes. Not Amos, though. He looks like a model in his uniform. I am not kidding.
Anyway. Today I noticed that Professor Morano's nostrils stick out A LOT. Why would you want to go out with a guy whose nostrils stick out so much? I asked Adia this at lunch and she said, "I've never noticed his nostrils before. Are you gonna eat that dumpling?"
Adia says I need to stop obsessing. She says I'm taking my anxiety over the fact that this is our first month of fourth year and I already have an F in something, and transferring it to anxiety about Professor Morano and my mum. She says this is called displacement.
It sort of sucks when your best friend's parents are psychoanalysts for St. Mungos.
Today after classes, Adia and I were sitting in the common room doing our homework and talking about how we thought the date would go on Friday.
The worst part was that Adia's older brother James overheard the whole thing. He immediately started laughing his head off, even though I don't see anything funny about it.
He went, "Your mum is dating Frank Morano? Ha! Ha! Ha!"
So great. Now Adia's brother James knows.
So then I had t start begging him not to tell anybody. He's in Divination with me and Adia, which is the biggest joke of a class, because Professor Trelawny, who teaches Divination, is the biggest fraud ever, and she doesn't care what we do as long as we don't disrupt her crystal ball gazing.
Anyway, James uses Divination to plan pranks with his three best friends, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew. I use the class to catch up on my potions homework.
But anyway, Professor Trelawney never looks up to see what we're doing, which is probably good, since lately mostly what we're all doing is figuring out ways to lock the new kid, who's supposedly this musical genius, in the cupboard so we don't have to listen to any more Stravinsky on his stupid violin.
But I don't think that just because James and I are united against Remus Lupin and his violin he'd keep quiet about my mum and Professor M.
What James kept saying was, "What'll you do for me, huh, Evans? What'll you do for me?"
But there's nothing I can do for James Potter. I can't offer to do his homework, or anything. James is a seventh year (just like Amos Diggory). James has gotten straight A's his entire life (just like Amos Diggory). James will probably become an Auror or Healer (just like Amos Diggory).
What could I do for someone like that?
James spends almost all of his time in his dormitory. I once asked Adia what he dose in there, and she said she employs a don't ask, don't tell policy with James.
I bet he's in there making a bomb. Maybe he'll blow up Hogwarts as an end-of-the-year prank.
Occasionally, James comes down to the common room and makes sarcastic comments. Sometimes when he does this he is not wearing a shirt. Even though he does not believe in organized sports, I have noticed James has a really nice chest. His stomach muscles are extremely well defined.
I have never mentioned this to Adia.
Anyway, I guess James got tired of my offering to take care of his owl, Pavlov, and clean his dormitory once a week. Because in the end James just said, in this disgusted voice, "Forget it, okay, Evans?" and went back to his dormitory.
I asked Adia why he was so mad, and she said because he'd been sexually harassing me but I didn't notice.
How embarrassing? Supposing Amos Diggory starts sexually harassing me someday (I wish) and I don't notice? God, I'm so stupid sometimes.
Anyway, Adia said not to worry about James telling his friends about my mum and Professor M. Then Adia wanted to know why I cared so much about Mr. Morano's nostrils sticking out so much, since I'm not the one who has to look at them, my mum is.
And I said, "Excuse me, I have to look at them from 9:55 to 10:55 and from 2:30 to 3:30 EVERY SINGLE DAY, except Saturdays and Sundays and national holidays and the summer. If I don't flunk, that is, and have to go to summer school."
And if they got married, then I'll have to look at them EVERY SINGLE DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, MAJOR HOLIDAYS INCLUDED.
Friday, September 26
ADIA POTTER'S LIST OF HOTTEST GUYS (compiled during History of Magic, with commentary by Lily Evans)
1.Amos Diggory (agree-six feet of unadulterated hotness. Blond hair, often falling into his clear blue eyes, and that sweet, sleepy smile. Only drawback: he has the bad taste to date Danielle Caraway)
2.Remus Lupin (strongly disagree. Just because he played his stupid violin at Carnegie Hall when he was twelve does not make him hot. Plus he tucks his school sweater into his pants, instead of wearing it out, like a normal person)
3.Pierce Brosnan, best James Bond ever (disagree-I liked Timothy Dalton better)
4.Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans (agree-stay alive, no matter what occurs)
5.Prince William of England (duh)
6.Leonardo in Titanic (As if! That is so 1998)
7.Mr. Wheeton, the flying professor (hot, but taken. Seen opening the door to the teachers' lounge for Professor Klein)
8.That guy in that jeans ad on that giant billboard outside the Leaky Cauldron (totally agree. Who IS that guy? They should give him his own TV series)
9.Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's Boyfriend (whatever happened to him? He was hot!)
10.Joshua Bell, the violinist (totally agree, it would be so cool to date a musician-just not Boris Pelkowski)
Later on Friday
I was measuring my chest and totally not thinking about the fact that my mum was out on a date with my Potions professor when I got an owl from my dad. He wanted to know where he could find my mum. I don't know why I lied and told him Mum was at her studio. Which is so weird, because obviously Dad knows Mum dates. But for some reason, I just couldn't tell him about Professor Morano.
This afternoon during my mandatory review session with Professor Morano, I was sitting there working on my potion and all of the sudden Professor Morano said, "Lily, I hope you don't feel, well, uncomfortable about my seeing your mother socially."
Only for some reason for a second I thought he said SEXUALLY, not socially. And then I could feel my face getting totally hot. I mean like BURNING. And I said, "oh, no, Professor Morano, it doesn't bother me at all."
And Professor Morano said, "Because if it bothers you, we could talk about it."
I guess he must have figured out I was lying, since my face was so red.
But all I said was, "Really, it doesn't bother me. I mean, it bothers me a LITTLE, but really, I'm fine with it. I mean, it's just a date, right? Why get upset about one measly date?"
That was when Professor Morano said, "Well, lily, I don't know if it's going to be one measly date. I really like your mother."
And then, I don't even know how, but all of the sudden I heard myself saying, "Well, you better. Because if you do anything to make her cry, I'll kick your bum."
Oh my God! I can't even believe I said the word bum to a professor! My face got even REDDER after that, which I wouldn't have thought possible. Why is it that the only time I can tell the truth is when it's guaranteed to get me into trouble?
But I guess I am feeling sort of weird about the whole thing. Maybe Adia's parents are right.
Professor Morano, though, was totally cool. He smiled in this funny way and said, "I have no intention of making your mother cry, but if I ever do, you have my permission to kick my bum."
So that was okay, sort of.
Anyway, Dad sounded really weird in his letter. But then again, he always does. Plus, Dad didn't even want to write to me. He wanted to know where he could find Mum so he could write to her. I suppose somebody died, and he wants Mum to break it to me gently.
Maybe it was Grandmere. Hmmm....
My breasts have grown exactly none since last summer. Mum was totally wrong. I did not have a growth spurt when I turned fourteen, like she did. I will probably never have a growth spurt, at least not on my chest. I only have growth spurts UP, not OUT. I am now the tallest girl in my year.
Now if anybody asks me to the Cultural Diversity Dance next month (yeah, right) I won't be able to wear a strapless dress because there isn't anything on my chest to hold it up.