Entry 6
What a weird week it was! All sorts of ups and downs, the kind of week that leaves you dizzy and happy you survived.
First things first: Sonic stood me up. Oh, I was furious! I waited for him at the theater but he never showed. I had even dropped by his room on my way to the theater, but he was nowhere to be found. I'd just sat down to write to you, diary (and I'm sure I would have said some dreadful things) when he knocked on the door to my room. He said that he felt really bad, that he'd just plain forgotten and he was so sorry we'd missed.
It made me feel terrible seeing him like that. Sonic apologizing is like a hippo tap-dancing, it's just not made to do it and it certainly isn't graceful! So I forgave him in a hurry, he was making me uncomfortable. He thanked me and promised to make it up to me.
We talked a while after that. It was fun, helped to hide my confusion.
I believed him about his being forgetful. It only makes sense, really. He just doesn't value me that much, like the CD you liked enough to buy but not enough to play. He acts out liking me without actually liking me.
But if that's true, then why-oh-why did he treat me so nicely the next night?
He arrived with flowers—"Roses for a Rose," he said—and left me with a smile and a hug and a warm feeling that wouldn't go away, not that I wanted it to. The kind of feeling that isn't 'good' exactly, but that sucks up your attention and won't let you sit still.
I don't even remember what the date was.
Hold on a minute, diary. Just thinking about it is making me squirm.
It was so unusual for him to do things for me. I spent all this time chasing him that when he turned to me I got whiplash. Far be it for me to complain, though!
Still, something feels strange. Was he just making up for standing me up, or did he feel something more? It's so hard to tell. I'm finally beginning to understand something. When I was younger I didn't care what he actually felt. I wanted him, and if I could chain him to me through marriage, then he wouldn't get away. He'd be mine!
I'm starting to grow up about a few things. I still think that a straight-out marriage would be the best thing, the safest thing, but I'm starting to realize that other people's feelings matter. I'm also getting smart enough to know that I don't understand Sonic's feelings.
I wish I did. It would mean everything to me.
I hate not knowing.
That's why it's taken so long for me to get back to you. I had to spend time sorting out my thoughts and feelings.
Oh, gosh, I'm so embarrassed! When I put it that way, it makes it sound like I have an answer. I don't, I really don't.
My only answer right now is that I'm a girl. Not an especially smart or fast girl, but one with a lot of love. I only hope I can get Sonic to see it.
Entry 7
…Sigh…
I wonder if it's polite to sigh like this to you, diary. I'm sighing in real life, it's not just a stylistic something-or-other. It's how I feel.
Sigh…
We had another date, and he hugged me again, and I wrapped my arms around him… we held each other so tightly…
And then he was gone.
It was so sudden he was out of sight before I knew he was out of my arms. Like cotton candy, he'd vanished before I could really…
[Doodles in margins, appear to be tears]
Two days now, and a part of me is missing. Just when it was starting to get good…
Sure, I miss him (can you tell?), but what I had has been enough for me to walk on air. I've been twirling and ambling, leaping and skipping for two days now. It's still not enough. I need more.
He made me feel so alive when he held me. It's not like I was full of energy, it's not that "chemistry" thing you hear people talk about but never explain. It's just that, when he touched me, I felt every part of me. I was glad for everything that I am. I was happy that I had all of me, that my entire self was there to experience Sonic. Just being there was enough to make me feel like my life was a good one.
I would do anything to feel that again! I feel the hole in me, the place he should be. It's no different from your stomach, the way you feel when you're empty or full. You know when something's not there and should be, you feel good when you get it there. He left me full, and I'm empty now.
I'm careening between…. Feeling good with what he's left me, and feeling desperate for more.
I hope he comes back soon.
Entry 8
He came back and… and…
And it was weird.
But I feel closer to him now, so I'll deal with it.
Today's Thursday; he came back on Tuesday. I heard him coming and went to him immediately. He was just how I like him! He was covered in dust, which bothered me, but his eyes! They glowed and danced like there were fireflies inside. He was at his best, every part of him animated and energetic. He told me (poorly; he spoke so fast I struggled to keep up) he'd been out running. He was kinda-sorta looking for Robotnik, but mostly it was just for fun.
I didn't talk much. I didn't have much to say and I had no chances to say it. Don't think I minded. Even a talkative girl like me knows when to shut up. So I shut up and basked in the glory my Sonic radiated.
I've felt happier, but not often and not by much.
He was so alive, so full of being Sonic that…
That…
One of the reasons I chased Sonic, even though I had better chances of catching the wind, was to see him like that. I got to see him run and be in motion, so even though he was running from me, I got to feel like I was making him happy. I was probably wrong; his trying to get away from me probably canceled his joy at running. But I clung to straws.
Now, he doesn't mind me. Running makes him feel good whether I'm there or not. I can't see how it's a bad thing.
The next day was stranger. I'd left him on Tuesday without arranging anything else. I didn't want to leave things at that, so I went back on Wednesday.
I've never seen
Sonic so… pitiful!
It was heartbreaking. He was
still as dirty as the day before. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, he clearly
hadn't slept. His hands were twitching.
"Sonic?" I said. He didn't respond. "Sonic?" I repeated.
His head and ears swiveled to me but his eyes didn't focus. He stared past me. "'Zat you, Amy?" he said dully.
"Yes, Sonic," I said, sober instantly. "Did I tell you 'bout how I ripped the Green Hills yesterday?"
He had told me—except that he'd ripped the hills two days before.
He reached out his paw and grabbed weakly, trying to catch something just beyond his fingertips. Then he let his arm go slack, a dull thud coming as his hand dropped. "Heh," he said, "I did? Well, get out, then."
"What?" I said, blinking. "Sonic…"
"Get out!" he shouted. "I gotta headache."
"But why?"
"I'm tired!" he shouted. "Go away. I need some sleep."
I turned away from him and headed for the door. As I got there, he said, "Not done running. Haven't found it yet. Gotta find… gotta keep running…"
I shut the door and rushed away from him.
It was so… what's the word? Scary? Sad? Depressing? All of these at once, and more I can't describe. All I know for sure is that I wanted out of there. I couldn't deal with it.
Even now, I can't make heads or tails out of what I saw. I've never seen Sonic like that before. I've always seen him going strong, full of life—like he was on Tuesday, not like he was on Wednesday.
I wish you could answer me, dairy. I'm so confused. Should I go back? What could I say to him? I don't even know what he'll be like!
One thing I know, though. No one else has seen him like that before. I'm the first one. I hope he doesn't feel like that all the time! How would I know?
Oh, doesn't he see that's why he needs to marry someone? (Like me [knock on wood]?) If he's like that a lot, he needs… I don't know, something!
I feel powerless sometimes. A lot of times. I'm a spectator in his life, on the spot but not involved. Why can't I change that? Why won't he let me change that?
If you can give me any answers, diary, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Entry 9
I need to learn to stop forcing things!
Okay, I suppose I should explain. Sonic was out today when I went to his room. I cleaned it and did the usual stuff. I needed to go along with my own life, so I went out shopping.
On my way back, I passed by the Marriott of Station Square. Now, I remembered that Sonic had some kind of arrangement with the owners where he could use their pool whenever he wanted to. On a hunch, I walked around to where I could see the pool.
Sure enough, there he was! He was out there in a lounge chair near the diving board, laying back and letting the sun soak into his fur.
I nearly dropped my groceries when I thought about what to do.
I rushed back to my apartment, put away the stuff that would melt or rot, then hurried into my drawers. After several agonizing seconds I pulled a swimsuit, a nice blue two-piece. The blue color contrasted with my fur and would show off both where it was and where it wasn't.
I changed in a flash and hurried back to the Marriott. He was still there. Only one tricky thing—the pool was for guests only. I had to get through the front office and over the pool fence in a hurry, without getting seen.
Or I could do it the other way. I could walk in as if I owned the place. If I walked with enough confidence, who'd check me? They'd just assume I was supposed to be there.
I had enough smarts to know I'd never pull it off. I would either burst into giggles or break down and start running. That'd get me caught for sure. I'm just not a very good liar.
Running it was, then.
I waited until all the clerks were occupied. Two or three even had their backs turned. Then, I went for it!
I'm not nearly as fast as Sonic, but I can move when I want to. I was through the lobby in no time. I couldn't tell if anyone saw me, but I didn't hear anything.
Out the rear doors, into the rear area… with a jump I got my hands on the top of the chain-link fence, pushed myself over, and did a neat three point landing.
I hadn't counted on the lifeguard.
He whistled at me the instant I landed. "No running!" was his instinctive first shout.
I'd managed to land near Sonic. At the whistle, he jerked in my direction, then jumped from his lounge chair. "Amy!" he shouted.
I couldn't resist. I giggled. "Yep," I said, happiness to see him filling me up.
I didn't have time for more. The lifeguard was up to us. "Uh, miss, do you have a room in this hotel?"
I couldn't very well lie. I hesitated a second (wishing Sonic would say something!) before smiling sweetly and saying, "No, I'm just here to see Sonic."
The lifeguard turned to Sonic, as if expecting me to say something. Sonic looked like a kid trying to explain a bad grade to his parents. Every time he looked at me, he'd blush a little more and look back to the lifeguard, who was staring at him which made him uncomfortable, making him look back at…
"Don't ask me!" were the words he left us with.
"Miss," said the lifeguard, "if you don't have a room here, I'll have to ask you to leave."
I let them escort me out. If Sonic wasn't there, what was the point?
I walked back to my room, thinking about how flustered I'd made Sonic. I wasn't exactly sure why he'd reacted like that, but I had some good guesses. Most of those guesses were enough to make me smile.
When I think about it, I feel… a little guilty. I mean, I did embarrass him enough for him to run away. But isn't that supposed to mean something?
One thing was for sure: he wasn't 'down' the way he was on Wednesday. As long as he's not like that, I think I can deal with him.
Well, I still felt guilty, so I decided to apologize to him. Now that I think about it, I probably should have waited until we both calmed down. And wasn't I still wearing my swimsuit? It didn't cross my mind.
I walked to his door, knocked. He came to the door. I apologized for embarrassing him. I think he believed me. (Remember how I told you about forcing things? This is it.)
I said to him, "I think the lifeguard was waiting for you to say something."
"What?" he said, getting a little cautious.
"Anything," I said, giggling. "I mean, you didn't do anything!"
"Well, I suppose," he said.
"You could have said, "It's okay", or, "She's with me"," I said, losing my good sense as my giggles grew.
His discomfort grew at the same rate as my giggles. "Yeah, that would have worked," he said, trying to look away from me.
I worked up my courage and said, casually as I could through my giggles, "Or you could have just kissed me."
That did it. He gaped at me, mouth open like some fish, before slamming the door on me.
Sigh…
I blew it, didn't I, diary?
I mean, sometimes I think I could have him kiss me if I would just stop trying to make him kiss me. But I don't know how to do that! I mean, if it was that easy, I would've already married him, right? Right.
I hope Sonic grades on effort. I mean, he's gotta realize I'm trying with everything I've got. I'm just clumsy. Oh, when am I going to be able to keep my head around that… that… beloved hedgehog.
Probably never.
I hope Sonic grades on effort.
Entry 10
I can't believe it! I had a date with Sonic where I managed not to go crazy!
It was just dinner and conversation. The dinner was unimportant, but the company was great.
I really had to work to get him to agree to another date. I embarrassed him more than I realized with my little pool stunt. Hopefully that's behind us now! I made an effort to keep my cool the whole time, and it paid off; he smiled a lot and seemed to enjoy himself.
The conversation was about him, mostly. That's okay, I wanted to talk about him! I tried to work myself into the conversation (in an 'us' kinda way) but I didn't force it (I think).
He gave me two big hugs at the end of the date. I tried to use body language to get him to kiss me, but I didn't force the issue when I saw he wouldn't. That was the theme of this date: me trying, but not pushing.
See? Occasionally, when it's important enough, I can learn!
Only one bad thing happened, and it was after the first hug. He told me he'd be out of town for a few days, running.
I felt a bunch of things. I didn't want him to go, of course, but I was also scared. I didn't want to see him like… that… again.
[Doodles appear in margins, appear to be outstretched hands]
I mean, he was so down after the last time he ran. I hope the two things aren't related. I can't imagine how sad I'd be if running made Sonic feel bad! I guess I just don't understand. Maybe it won't be like that.
Well, anyway, I shouldn't think about that! I'm Amy Rose, bouncy flower and girlfriend of Sonic! Yeah, that's right! I shouldn't worry about him going running; I should plan how I'm going to greet him when he comes back!
I think I'll kiss him.
Entry 11
What could have happened to Sonic?
He came back from running the other day. I waited a few hours—because I was scared, I guess. I didn't know what he'd be like. So I went to him afterwards.
He seemed so… disappointed in me!
I can't really explain it. The first words out of his mouth were, "Oh, it's only you." From there… well, I don't really remember. All I know was that he seemed dissatisfied about everything, like a cat who eats grass to keep from starving. I've never seen him so unhappy.
What's making him like this? I can't stand it! I mean, even if he's unhappy, does he have to be mean to me? He's taking his frustration out on me, and I don't like it.
I want to be there for him. I want to help him. But I don't even want to be near him when he's unhappy like that! I don't want to see Sonic unhappy, but I don't know what to do. All I can do is stay away; I'm too scared to do anything else. No, not like that, I'm not scared he'll hurt me or anything. Well, sort of; I'm afraid of hurting him worse, or getting depressed off of him. I mean, I look to Sonic because he's so confident and brave and cool and alive. To see him not like that would mean I've been wrong about him. Since I've spent so much time going after him, looking up to him, I don't want to be wrong!
This is making me crazy! Why does Sonic act like this after running? Doesn't running make him happy? Oh, I wish I were smarter and could figure this out!
I think (hope!) he still likes me, but when it's like this it's hard to tell.
Entry 12
Whee! He's back to normal! And not just back to normal, but out for a date!
I'll be the first one to say it's been rocky, Sonic and me. Duh! I'm not that stupid. Just the same, I'll take what I can get, especially where Sonic is concerned.
I… I so want this to work. I wish I could tell you how I feel, diary, but it's too complicated. I feel earnest, I feel nervous, I want to make it work, I don't want to push it, I…
Let's just say it means a lot to me.
It's not just that I love Sonic. I want to do something with my love. Let's be honest: loving Sonic has made my life very complicated! And all he's done for six years is run away from me. Now that he's finally paying attention to me, I want to squeeze all the love from him that I can! I want it to fill me up for all the love I've poured forth. And sure, there's the whole thing about "the more I give, the more I have to give". But whenever I think about what it'd be like to finally hear "I love you" from Sonic's mouth… I just fall apart.
It sounds obsessive, I know. But it's not too much to ask, is it? I deserve some love, too. I know I'm stupid and silly and annoying, but even I should be loved.
That's all I really want. I know he's this big hero and everything. But no one cares about him more than me.
Which is why I want this to work.
Awww… And I can't even say "I'll make it work" because I don't want to force things!
Never mind. I love Sonic. When I love him enough, he'll love me back. If that happens, we'll both be happy. That's the point, after all.
Wish me luck!