WARNING: I strongly suggest that you read this chapter all at once. If you only read part of it, the story won't make any sense. Therefore, once you begin, please finish. It will be worth it.

Entry 13

[Light, lazy lines in margins]

I feel dreamy. I'm walking on air. I'm a faerie or a bubble, floating without care.

He kissed me.

Y'know what? The world is alright.

He kissed me.

I don't feel like I thought I would. I'd pictured this scene in my mind for years, but I never thought it'd be like this. I always thought I'd go berserk from happiness, that finally kissing him would give me the energy and strength of a dozen Amy Roses.

It's not like that at all.

I'm not bursting with joy or exploding into song. I'm not dancing or prancing my heart out. I probably will do all that later. For now, I feel warm and tingly in every part of me. It all starts at the lips and spreads everywhere, even the space between my toes.

He kissed me.

It wasn't hard and, for all the thinking about it I've done, it took almost no thought. We were just standing there awkwardly, not quite knowing how to say goodbye, when…

He kissed me.

Anyone can do it. It's not hard—you just put your lips together, then put them to the other person's. No great mystery. And it's not like fireworks go off in your body when it happens. Physically, it's no big deal. Your heart beats faster, you wanna stand on your tiptoes, your eyes shut, but that's about it. Kinda underwhelming, actually.

And for all of that, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

He kissed me.

What really makes kissing special isn't the physical part of it. It's not the kissing itself, but what the kissing means. Anyone can kiss anyone and it's not a big thing. Kissing matters most when you use it as the best way of saying "I love you". It's only later, long after the kiss, when you THINK about it, that the kiss is awesome. You think to yourself, "We kissed—that means it's real!" and "I've never done this with anyone before!" and "I don't wanna do this with anyone else!" and stuff like that. When you start thinking those things, the kiss gets wonderful.

Have you ever seen movies where the man and the woman go through, a bunch of stuff happens to them, and the only romance is when they kiss? Like the kiss is supposed to mean they've been in love the while time? And that's it? I hate that kind of movie. Okay, I didn't used to, but I do now.

Because a kiss is nothing without actual love behind it. Without love, a kiss is just a physical thing, and not a great physical thing, either.

With love, a kiss is the best thing in the world.

He kissed me.

The date? Oh, yeah, I suppose there was a date.

I don't remember.

He kissed me.

Entry 14

It's been almost a day since the date he kissed me on. I've come down a bit since then, and I didn't go dancing around in the park (like I thought I'd have to do). Instead, I spent the day thinking and listening to music and coming up with excuses to see Sonic. If I see him again, then we might…

A lot of time I spent trying to figure out what happened last night. I mean, I know the most important thing (that we kissed), but I wanna remember more. Like, did I kiss him, or did he kiss me (I swore that was the case), or did it just happen?

Don't laugh, it matters to me!

More than just the details, though, I wanna know how we got there. How'd we get to the point where we'd kiss? If I know that, maybe I can get it to happen again. I want to, more than anything else. I want to feel… like that again.

So strange, isn't it? I've spent a day puzzling over it and I still can't define it well. Kinda like that piece of meat you can't cut up no matter how much you chew. Okay, not like that. I just know I want it.

What's that? Hold on, diary, there's something at the door.

Oh my gosh, it's from Sonic! It's hard to make out… I love him to death, but he's got lousy handwriting… it says he'll meet me outside the apartment building at seven tonight!

This is great! Oh, I can't wait!

[small doodles, almost like springs, interspersed with hearts]

SonAmy4ever!

This is going better than I ever imagined! (And, between you and me, I imagined quite a bit, diary.) He kissed me last night, and now he's asking to see me again! Well, I won't disappoint him. I'm afraid I've got to disappoint you, diary, because I have more important things to worry about! What to wear, what to wear…

Entry 15

Aaaaugh!

I'm dead! Aaaaauuuuuugh!

I can't believe… I cant stand… I… aaauuuugh!

why did he… whys he… itwas goingsowell…

AUGH!

I'm dead, i must be dead! i made sonic my life, without sonic i have no life, sonic is out of my life so i have none so i must be dead IM DEAD!

[Furious scribbles]

Entry 16

[page splattered with tears]

I'm exhausted.

I've spent the past… hours? Days?... crying.

The images won't stop.

It's over! I… we… my dreams are broken! It's over!

[many tear-drops]

Sorry, I… lost it. I had to stop for a while to cool down a little.

Might as well get to the point.

He doesn't love me. He never has.

That's what he told me, and I had to believe him. That he doesn't… doesn't…

I know this is all broken. Choppy writing. Well, I'm broken. Like a stained glass window lying in pieces on the floor, snatches of story and pieces of images running through my head.

Oh, it hurts!
I feel like part of me's been torn out, ripped out, left bloody and festering.

How did it come to this?!

I… I suppose I should… tell what happened. I owe you that much for listening to my ranting.

Sonic met me in the lobby like his invite said to. I was wearing one of my better dresses; he was just Sonic. I didn't mind. He led me out towards the coastline, walking on the beach. I couldn't think anything but how romantic it all was. He was walking ahead of me, two or three steps.

Oh, I should've known something was wrong! He hadn't looked me in the eye until he turned to me!

And it's obvious now that he brought me to the beach 'cause he knew I'd make… that I… wouldn't take it well.

I should've known… that SOMETHING was up! Oh, stupid girl! I…

Okay. I can go on.

So we were walking on the beach. He turned to me (NOW he looked me in the eyes) and said, "Amy, there's something I need to say."

And I, I, said to him, "What's that? Tell me!" I was so eager! He hesitated, and I thought it was because I'd made him scared, like I did at the pool. So I said, "Don't worry, it's okay."

No! It's not okay!
Augh! This is so hard to write! I'm reliving it all!

No, stupid girl, don't stay there! Run! Run before… before he…

But I can't change it. It already happened. He said it.

Please don't, I'm just a stupid girl, don't…

Sonic, don't do this to me.

He squared his shoulders. "Amy, we've known each other for a while. I've thought about this for a long time, but even more since we've been dating."

"Go on," I said, trying to keep my excitement out of my voice. I was… tingling all over, waiting for him to say it. This is perverse! This can't be happening, how could… No, Amy, don't step in the trap, don't, please don't…

"I answered a few questions for myself the other night," he said. "It just got real clear to me."

At this point, I was… impatient! I was so wanting him to say that he loved me, that he needed me, and I knew he was trying not to say it. "Come out and say it," I told him. "Tell me how you feel."

And he looked me in the eyes, squared his shoulders, and said, "I don't love you."

I didn't hear him at first. I tried to glomp him, to jump him with a hug, because I'd heard him say he loved me. He dodged me, and that's what broke my trance. "What—why'd you…?" I said.

"I said I DON'T love you," he said indignantly.

I have no idea what I looked like, because at that point the world got dark and watery. Next thing I know I'm rolling on the sand, clawing at my eyes. I tried to rip off my ears, trying to get the words out of my head, desperate to un-hear them and return to how it was before, but no, it's too late, he said it and my life's over…

I don't know why he stayed there through it all, because when I finally stopped (because I couldn't breathe) he was standing there, watching me.

Through my tears, I used the little breath I could get to scream, "But... how? Why'd… why'd you date me… if you didn't?"

"I was trying to be fair," he said. Looking back, I can see he was fighting his shame, but every word was-is a dagger in my heart. "I'd promised you I would. Besides, I figured you deserved a chance. Maybe we would love each other."

"I love you!" I shouted, cried, loved.

"But I don't love you," he said, helplessly. "All those years I didn't, and I don't now."

"You kissed me!" I squeaked, losing my hopes one after another.

"And that was what really did it," he said (I hated-hate him for being so calm!). "I didn't feel anything then, Amy. Nothing. It wasn't me, it wasn't happening to me, that's how detached I felt. That's when I knew."

"How can…" breathing hurt, everything hurt, surviving hurt more than anything, "how can you… stand there… and tell me?! Tell me these?!"

"It's not easy," he said, looking away, "but… I had to. I couldn't hold out any longer. I'm sorry, Amy."

I suppose… I suppose it was hard for him to say it all. I guess it takes a lot of courage to crush a girl's dreams so completely. But I don't CARE! I don't care what he felt, it's how I felt that… was all I could… think about.

No, there wasn't any thinking. There's not much now.

Auuuuuugh… I'm moaning, just thinking about it. It huuurts so!

I can't write any more diary, I'm losing… I'm…

Entry 17

I can hardly move.

I have no motivation, no energy.

I'm hungry, but I don't have the strength to eat. I don't want to eat. This hurts too much. I want to not be.

I'm not brave enough for suicide, I know. I'm too tired to try. No. I want to stop existing.

Just slip away into nothing. No love. No pain. No dancing. No tiredness. No Sonic. No Amy. No no no.

Let it all go…

[One pen-mark slides down page, gradually fading out]

Entry 18

How could I have been so wrong?

All this time… couldn't I tell something was wrong?

It's so obvious, now! I'm such an idiot, he told me over and over again that he didn't love me, I just closed my ears and eyes and didn't see or listen. I was an ostrich trying to run with its head in the sand.

I was looking through you, diary, and I kept noticing how stupid I was! There were signs there, signs I could have seen if I'd looked honestly. Oh, I can't be that hard on myself, some of them weren't clear. But they were there. They say hindsight is 20/20. Well, my hindsight is 20/15.

Like the date after he stood me up. (Stood me up because I wasn't important!) He was really nice to me, and I didn't know why. When I thought about it, I came up with two explanations. First: Sonic loves me. Second: He was being nice to make up for standing me up. I know I said in my diary that I wasn't sure which, but I lied. I knew that he loved me. What an idiot!

I've wasted so much time on… what? A love that never existed! I'm eighteen years old and I've been chasing Sonic for six years now! That's a third of my life! And what happens? He never loved me!

Oh, what's the point? What can or should I do now? I mean, it's almost hard for me to grasp how stupid I was. I chased him for six years and never noticed he didn't love me… He had to tell me right out because I couldn't take the hint!

I let myself love someone who never gave me a loving thought in return. What a fool I was.

I know what despair is. Despair is a butterfly that sees a candle through a window. It spends hours, days, batting at the window, trying to get through. Then, right before it dies of starvation, someone opens the window. The butterfly finally gets where it thought it wanted to be—and dies a horrible death. That's despair.

Has my whole life been worthless? Have I mattered at all? What have I been doing all this time? I've lived my life in Sonic's orbit, but if he's the Sun I'm Pluto. What have I done outside of Sonic? Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

I've given up everything to chase after Sonic. I have no education, I have no job (cleaning Sonic's room, what a joke!), most of my things are souvenirs or reminders of Sonic. I can't stand to look at them now. Tails, Robotnik, that stupid Team Rose—I knew them only as much as they interacted with Sonic. I only dealt with Robotnik if Sonic was fighting him at the time. I only knew Tails if Sonic was hanging around Tails. Sonic himself never keeps very good friendships, and I ended up copying him as I followed him. Now that he's left, I'm alone in the nothing of my life.

I don't want to die. But I don't know how to live.

Entry 19

This will be the last entry in this diary.

I finally understand—about me, about Sonic, and about the fake 'us' I followed all this time.

And I finally understand that I deserve better than Sonic Hedgehog.

I remember talking about how I haven't grown all this time. Six years, and my life is almost the same as it was before. There are two reasons why, and they're so easy I laugh at myself for not getting them before.

The first is that I remained hung up on Sonic, not developing outside of him. But even like that, (here comes reason two) I would have grown a little if Sonic had grown himself.

Sonic hasn't changed.

He's running in place, like he's on a treadmill. Honestly, what's his life been like? He does nothing all day but sit around, go to pools, hang at parties or social stuff. What does he do there? Nothing. Talk a little, maybe. Enjoy himself. Be lazy.

Lazy? You bet he is. But that's a symptom, not a cause.

Sonic hasn't changed because he doesn't know what he wants.

The only time Sonic isn't lazy is when he's fighting Robotnik. Then again, he only fights Robotnik because he hates him—it's not like he's that good a person. He's just good enough to fight Robotnik.

But that's all that gives meaning to Sonic's life, so Sonic doesn't get rid of it.

I mean, I can think off the top of my head… Like when Mecha Sonic transformed himself into a giant flying robot, and Sonic beat him as Super Sonic. What happened? Sonic LET HIM GO.

Why? I mean, Mecha had just threatened the world, almost killed Sonic, and caused lots of damage to everything and everyone.

But if Sonic destroyed Mecha, what would Sonic do?

That's how Robotnik keeps getting chance after chance to make us miserable. Sonic doesn't finish him off, because what's Sonic going to do without him?

Sonic hasn't changed because he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know how to find it.

The only other thing Sonic does is run. Running makes him happy. When he runs, he feels alive! He feels like he has some meaning in the world; he's doing what he does best. It's a vindication of his existence.

What that really means is that he feels crappy whenever he's NOT running.

I know, firsthand. After he goes running, he just sits there, holding on to that feeling, trying to stretch it out. It's not quite that he feels awful not running. It's that everything is paler. Nothing is exciting. He misses the feeling of running, and he misses the purpose he feels while running. Nothing measures up to how he feels while running; everything is a disappointment.

Including me.

Isn't it amazing? I figured it out, after all this time. A girl as stupid as me was finally able to figure out Sonic. But it had to be this way. I had to have my heart broken before I could see it. I'd clouded my own vision all of this time; Sonic's actions, painful as they were, finally cleared my illusions.

Sonic won't grow. He won't change. He doesn't really want to, not badly enough. So long as he can run, he'll cling to that feeling. It's good enough for him that he'll hold onto it as long as he can, even if it means discarding me and everything else.

That's okay, y'know? I can deal with it now.

Because if he doesn't want me, then I don't have to follow him any more.

I'm the wrong person for him anyway, you know why? I can't change him. I'm not strong enough; I can't affect the Sonic-inside. I worship him too much. The way I work, I just get caught up in Sonic's charisma and beauty… and forget his flaws. If I tried to change him, I'd just get sucked into his orbit again.

This jolt of pain knocked me out of orbit.

I really should thank him. He's set me free.

I don't have a life outside of Sonic… yet. But think what that means! There's a world out there that (now) I can view through my own eyes, things I can see and judge as they relate to me (not Sonic), friendships I can make where I decide the terms.

There's a whole world out there that I'm seeing for the first time!

Somewhere out there, there's a person who doesn't feel very good about themselves. There's a person who needs to be worshipped, and (with someone else's support) can blossom into something really wonderful. That's the sort of person who'd most appreciate a Rose. I have my flaws, sure; I'm still a ditz and a pretty weak person. I get swept up in other people's feelings and forget things all the time.

But I have one gift I can give that's mine, and mine alone: copious amounts of unconditional love.

I'll find someone who can appreciate that gift. I will.

Thanks, Sonic, for all the memories. Thanks for everything you've taught me. It would never have worked between us, not as we are.

But I can grow now. There are things I can do and see and be only because you broke my heart.

Thank you.

And so I, Amy Rose, a little smarter, a little freer, a little stronger, a lot tougher, and a little wiser…

I go into the world.

[Future pages blank]

Disclaimer: Amy Rose and Sonic Hedgehog, along with all other characters and situations referenced, are copyrights of SEGA. This story is copyright Sam Durbin, a.k.a. Bryon Nightshade, and cannot be edited, reproduced, or profited from without permission.