House of Cards

by C M Forde

Seven people stuck in a small room with nothing but a deck of cards and a lot of booze. Excepct arguments, a bit of violence, some bashing of pretty much all the characters, and just enough sex to give it that extra spice.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Inuyasha or any of its affiliated characters in any way, shape or form.

House of Cards

By

C M Forde

"Ok, how the hell did it all come to this?"

"Shut up and deal the cards dog face!"

"Screw you stupid! Why don't you deal them if you're so happy about this whole situation?"

"Would you both please just try to get along until we can get out of this?"

"Oh yeah, like you really want to get out of this, you're probably enjoying this to its fullest."

"I am just as upset about this-"

"I'm going to kill you all…"

"Oh would you just shut up already? I mean, is that all you can ever say?"

"Listen, we're all very angry about this, I know. But if we can just calm down and get along I'm sure we can get out of this. Now please Inuyasha, just deal the cards." The half demon nodded reluctantly at Kagome and began to deal out the cards.

"How do we play this game again?"

"I already told you nine times, stop stalling."

The room was small, just big enough for the seven people huddled around the small round table. The walls were stacked floor to ceiling with crates of sake, and one of them was already broken open, bottles passed around with varying degrees of reluctance. There were no doors, and there were no windows. Just the tables and the crates. They'd been in the room for about six hours now, and none of them seemed to be able to recall exactly how he or she had gotten there. But after the first five hours it had become very apparent that no amount of brute force, magic, ingenuity or anything else was going to get them out. As was proven by the large dent in the wall caused by Koga repeatedly smashing Inuyasha's face into the unidentifiable material. Luckily, Kagome had brought a deck of cards.

Kagome sat on one side of the table, hands folded in her lap, Inuyasha and Koga on either side of her, both very close and eying the other, waiting for him to make a move on his woman. To Inuyasha's left was Miroku, smiling contentedly and pouring another saucer of sake for himself. Sango was next to him, she had a few drinks down the hatch too, but was mostly trying to keep Miroku from making a total ass out of himself. Shipo sat next to Sango, curled as tighly as possible against Kilala and trying to appear invisible. This was due to the fact that next to him was Kikyo, dour, surly and still trying to think of a way of getting around everyone else and killing Inuyasha.

Shippo leaned forward, elbows on the table, "So what do you call this game again Kagome?"

"Poker."

"Don't mind if I do," Miroku chimed in.

Poke.

SMACK!

"Wow" Cried Koga, "You've got a pretty nice right hook for a human woman."

Sango smiled proudly. "She's had a lot of practice," said Shipo.

Kagome groaned, "Guys, can we please try to get along with out someone hitting anyone else for five minutes?"

Koga leaned in close, "Don't worry Kagome, if anyone else tries anything I'll deck 'em right in the face and they won't do it again."

Inuyasha laughed, "Oh yeah right! You hit like a girl!"

"Well at least I don't look like one!"

"Who's wearing the skirt here wolf nuts?"

"And who bleaches their hair pretty boy?"

Inuyasha stood up and Koga shot to his feet, the two demons' eyes locked, and Inuyasha growled, "It's not bleached, it's natural!"

Koga scoffed, "My ass that's natural!"

"It is natural…" Everyone went silent and looked at Kikyo, who took a sip of sake from her saucer and looked up, not the slightest bit embarrassed. "Trust me."

Now Kagome stood up, fuming, "And how would you know?!"

Kikyo put down her saucer, "Well you see little girl, in a few years you'll hit puberty and start to notice hair growing where it didn't used to…"

Kagome turned bright red and Inuyasha tried to hide behind something to avoid wrath. But Kagome was centered on Kikyo, "Listen up you…you…you…."

And then Kikyo stood up, arms crossed and glaring, "What? I'm what? What're you going to say?" The two women stared icicles at each other.

"Woohoo! Twins in a cat fight!" Sango put Miroku down with a sake bottle over the head and the girls calmed down, taking their respective seats again.

Shippo hopped into Sango's lap and poked Miroku's prone form, "How much did he have to drink anyway?"

Sango shrugged and tried to remember just how much she'd had to drink as well. Numbers were getting kind of fuzzy at the moment so she gave up rather quickly. No one was sober, not even Shippo, Koga had slipped him a few drinks when Kagome wasn't looking. "It'll put hair on your chest." He had said. Shippo wasn't sure he needed hair on his chest, but it sounded like a really good idea at the time.

Kagome slammed her hands down onto the table, "Inuyasha will you just deal the damn cards already?!" The half demon snuck out from behind a sake crate and took his place at the table again. Everyone got five cards, even Miroku who hadn't quite regained consciousness yet. Koga tapped his chin, Sango leaned over to help Shippo, Kikyo glared angrily, Kagome peered thoughtfully and Inuyasha lifted up Miroku's cards to look at them.

"SIT!"

BAM!

"No cheating!"

"I wasn't cheatin! I was helping him!"

Koga chuckled, "Ha, dogs! Always on a short leash."

"Why I aughta…"

"SIT!"

BAM!

"Oww, what was that one for?"

"Just be quiet and play!"

Sango put her cards face down on the table and looked across at Kagome, "Didn't you say something about betting things with this game?"

Kagome snapped her fingers, "Oh yeah, that's right! Poker's no fun without bets, but we don't have anything to bet…"

Miroku sat up with a start, "Well, we do have one thing."

Inuyasha nodded, "That's right, we could bet sacred jewel shards!"

Koga grinned, "That sounds like a great idea, I'll get all your shards and won't have to even get my hands dirty."

Kagome seemed doubtful, "I really don't think that's such a good idea. I mean…" She trailed off and Kikyo, for once, seemed to agree with the other girl. Sango too looked a little distressed.

"I agree, we've worked too hard to get them to just lose them in a game of chance."

Inuyasha acquiesced, "Yeah, I guess you're right. Wouldn't want wolf boy over there getting lucky and taking all my shards."

"Luck has nothing to do with it," Koga said haughtily.

Miroku smiled and put his hands palms together in front of him, "Well, if that's the case then there's only one thing left isn't there. Clothes."

Sango made to smack him again, but missed cleanly and fell over instead. So she settled for a slurred, "Shtupid Monk…"

Kagome blushed, "You know, maybe the jewel shards wasn't such a bad idea."

Kikyo turned away, "You really are pointless aren't you?"

"Alright, you're on!" Kagome slammed two cards on the table and everyone jumped as the high school girl glared around at the rest of the people, demons and zombie priestesses in the room, "Inuyasha, deal me two!"

Kagome took two cards and stared down Kikyo, who took three and looked back with perfect calm. Koga took one, grinning ferally; and just to outdo him Inuyasha took none with a loud, "Ha!" Miroku took three and peered drunkenly at Sango, who took two and tried to remember if the A was low or high. Shippo kept his hand too. There was quiet around the table before Kagome started. "Alright, everyone bet your shoes to start with."

"I don't have shoes." Said Shippo.

"Me either." Said Koga.

"I don't wear any." Said Inuyasha.

Kagome groaned, "Fine, Shippo, Inuyasha, bet your belts, Koga, your shin thingies."

"You mean leg warmers?"

"Ha!" said Inuyasha, "You wear leg warmers? What a useless buffoon!"

"It gets cold in the mountains!" Koga retorted, then all went into silence. Everyone glanced sideways at everyone else, and finally Kagome said, "Ok, I'll raise everyone my socks."

"But Kagome, you're the only one who wears socks," observed Shippo.

She frowned at him, "Well that's your problem, not mine!"

Sango leaned over to Miroku, "She's a violent drunk."

"I think the pressure's getting to her." He said.

Kikyo smiled slightly, which was quite a bit for her, "I'll see your socks with my sash, and I'll raise you my Kimono."

Inuyasha's hard went bump bump. Sango sighed and tossed her cards down, "I'm out."

"Me too." Said Miroku. They both removed their sandals and tossed them into a corner of the room. Sango followed it with her hair clip and Miroku with his ponytail tie. Koga grinned, "Ok, I'll match your kimono with my breastplate and raise my kilt."

Inuyasha chuckled, "You mean your skirt. I'll see that and raise my undershirt."

Kagome slammed her cards down, "Done! I call!" She was bright red and Kikyo laughed, putting down her cards. "There, I have two red threes, the shogun of diamonds, the priestess of shovels and a black ten."

Kagome howled with laughter, "A pair of threes? You're so dumb!" She showed her cards, she had two more kings, and ace and a pair of twos. "Read 'em and weep sister, lemme see you strip!"

Koga put down his cards, "Not so fast Kagome, I have three priestesses and two generals!" Kagome stared at his queens over jacks full house and gaped.

"Oh crap…"

Inuyasha angrily tossed down his cards, "Dammit, I don't have any shoguns or priestess or generals or anything!" He crossed his arms and started to take off his clothes, "They're just all the same damn color."

Kagome looked at the hand full of clubs. "Flush! Inuyasha you got a flush, you win!"

"I do?" He looked confused for a moment, looked at his cards again, then cackled, "Haha you stupid wolf! I'm the winner! Strip down!"

Koga growled, "You got lucky dog breath."

Inuyasha put his hands on his face and mocked him, "Luck's got nothing to do with it, lah dee dah."

"Shut up!"

The wolf demon stood up and began stripping at a rapid rate. Kagome and Sango stared intently, being a little bit too inebriated to hide it very well. Finally, Koga grabbed his kilt and shoved it down to his ankles. Kagome turned bright red and Sango whistled. Inuyasha stared open mouthed. Koga… Well Koga just grinned and put his hands on his hips, "That's right, bow before the wolf."

Inuyasha crossed his arms and flopped down, "Kagome doesn't even care, right Kagome?"

She blinked, still staring, "Wow, I mean… Are all demons that…"

"Only the best baby," Koga said, "Only the best."

Miroku cleared his throat and everyone looked at him, "I do believe you all are forgetting something."

"We are?" Inuyasha asked.

The monk nodded solemnly, "Koga isn't the only one who lost. Right ladies?" Kikyo gave him a look that could have frozen hell over, and Kagome managed to turn even redder. The priestess went first.

Off went her shoes, then her sash. Miroku watched with a secure smile on his face, hands pressed together in front of him as he gave small praises to Buddha, but Inuyasha managed to show more of his dog nature, leaned forward intently, eyes locked onto her. Kagome managed, through her sheer embarrassment at the whole situation, to elbow him in the gut. Kikyo, after only a moment's hesitation, threw off her kimono. Surpsingly, she was wearing something underneath it. Much to the boys' delight, it was a necklace.

Miroku then got up, "Oh my Kikyo, you look terribly cold, please allow me to help keep you warm."

"Sit. Down. Monk."

"Yes Sango." He slumped forward and turned his attention to Kagome, who was trembling.

She stood up slowly and everyone was watching, no one giving the slightest bit of support. Sango was trying to concentrate enough to make sure Miroku didn't try anything, Inuyasha was constantly swinging his attention from Kikyo to Kagome and back like a puppy stuck between a chew toy and a shoe; and Koga was just grinning, leaned back against a wall. Hesitantly, Kagome took off her shoes, then her socks, then the top of her uniform. Koga blinked, "What's that?"

She scowled at him, crossing her arms over her chest, "It's a bra!"

Inuyasha suddenly poked a finer out and snapped the back strap while she was paying attention to the other demon, "What's it do?"

"Oww!" She screamed, "SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT!!!!!!!!!!!" The resulting earthquake caused the whole room and everything in it to shake and jiggle, which made Miroku a very happy monk. Once it was over with Kagomevery very reluctantly dropped her skirt form her hips and sat down in her underwear. "There, everyone happy now?"

Miroku counted on his fingers, "No, you missed something Kagome."

She feighned innocence, "I did not!"

Miroku shook his head, "Nope. You definitely did."

Koga nodded, "Yep, we bet five pieces of clothing, you only took off four."

Kagome scowled at both of them, "But… but… No! We only had four, I remember!"

"Shoes." Said Miroku, smiling.

"Socks." Said Kikyo, glaring.

"Kimono." Said Koga, grinning.

"Skirt." Said Inuyasha, nodding.

"Undershirt." Said Sango helpfully.

"Sango!" Kagome screamed.

The other woman blushed, "Sorry, I felt left out."

All the men watched Kagome intently as she looked around for help, but none was coming. Having been forgotten since the hand had been played, Shippo was asleep on the floor, the alcohol fed to him by Koga proving too much for him. Finally, closing her eyes, Kagome ripped off another piece of clothing and tossed it onto the table, "There! Happy now?"

Inuyasha frowned, "What the hell is that?"

"My wristwatch!" She screamed, and curled her knees into her chest, daring anyone to defy her.

Miroku clapped his hands once, "Alright, next hand. I'm liking this game quite a bit." Kikyo was out, and so was Koga. Kagome refused to play any further, and Inuyasha was done, having claimed his victory over the wolf demon…sort of. Shippo was declared unfit to play, being asleep, so it was just Miroku and Sango. They drew their cards after raising each other quite a lot of clothing.

Miroku smiled, "Ok Sango, "I'll raise you everying I wear under my robes, and that should just about cover it."

Sango also smiled, "And just what do you wear under those robes Monk?"

"Would you like to find out?"

The demon hunter leaned forward, "I think I'm about to find out, I call."

Miroku threw down his cards, "Four shoguns and a priestess. I do belive that makes me a winner doesn't it?"

Sango frowned and began undoing her kimono, "Well I guess it does." Miroku grinned profusely and put his hands together as Sango began to pull the Kimono open, then dropped her cards. "Unless, of course, I have four ones and a general."

Miroku's grin turned to dismay as he looked at her cards, then scowled in a very friendly manner. "I guess you're right. Oh well, it's all as Buddha wills it." He stripped down with amazing quickness, apparently from practice, and sat down on the floor again, raising another bottle of sake. "Well that was fun, what now?"

Everyone was staring at him, and Miroku looked down, "Yes, I know that it might not be quite as impressive as Koga's, but it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of-"

Kagome leaned forward over the table, staring deeply into Miroku's eyes. Koga and Inuyasha both tilted their heads, having been standing behind Kagome at the time that she had bent over the table. "Turn around." She said.

Miroku's smile widened, "Want another view Kagome? Please, be my guest." He stood up and turned again, presenting everyone with a clear look at his back once more.

"What is that?" Asked Kagome.

"Well I know you may not have seen such a nice one, but I assure you everybody has an ass." Miroku commented, but Kagome ignored it and traced the symbol that was between his shoulders.

"Hey, is that a map?" Inuyasha asked, and Kikyo stood up.

"No, it appears to be a message drawn on his back…"

Sango peered around the gathering crowd, "What's it say?"

Kagome frowned and read aloud, "Wake… Up… Naraku?"

Naraku sat up with a start, looking around the small room of his palace. No one was there, and everything was peaceful. He still had his jewel shards. "Kagura!"

He heard the wind demon grumble from the next room and he called her name again, angrily. Finally she showed up in his doorway, "Yes Master Naraku, what is it?"

"Do you know what poker is?"

"No I don't," she said, rubbing her eyes. "Why? Are you hungry and want me to get it for you?"

He shook his head, "Nevermind. Go back to sleep." She left and he tucked back into his bedroll, frowning. "Too much stress. That's got to be it."

Kagura poked her head back in, "Oh, and Master Naraku?"

He snarled, "Yes Kagura?"

"Please try to control your body, I am a lady after all."

Naraku suddenly became aware of the hard throb below his waist and launched a pillow at the already retreating Kagura. He curled back up under his blankets and shut his eyes tightly. "That was from Kikyo. Not the monk. Kikyo and Kagome, definitely not the monk. Please don't let it be the monk…"

Author's Note: Hey folks. Dunno where this came from, I just sat in front of the keyboard and it sorta typed itself. Probably a one shot unless people demand I add to it, but there ya go. Pointless inanity at its best, hope ya enjoyed it!