Chapter 20 : I'm Here For You

Molly and Arthur spent most of Boxing Day trying to clear up, which was made constantly difficult by Kreacher's persistence at 'helping'. It seemed, however, that he was more struck on hiding and breaking things than actually assisting to clean. Term would start again on January the 5th which gave Ginny, Harry, Hermione and Ron 10 more days of holiday.

12 Grimmauld Place had a rather amazing garden but it was generally too cold for anyone to go out and enjoy it. New Year was drawing near but they had agreed not to throw another party. Everything was settling back to normal. Well, that was if you could call life at The Order's Head Quarters 'normal'. It had ceased snowing and instead, the sky was constantly throwing ice cold rain at the ground and the wind grew colder every day as though trying to compete.

New Year came and went and the next term was only days away. They were starting to get into packing-mode now and Ron and Harry would often be found in the kitchen scribbling madly at their essays and pouring over text books.

It was January the 2nd Harry hadn't talked to Lupin again about returning as a Professor. He was hoping to catch a chat with him later, seeing as he was visiting that day. At around about noon the peace of the house was disturbed as Tonks crashed into the Main Hall, throwing the door open and stood there, drenched.

"Molly! Molly!" she gasped looking around desperately. "Arthur!"

Lupin emerged from a hallway to the left and looked at her stunned. "Tonks!? What's the matter?"

"Remus!" she exclaimed rushing towards him, arms out and eyes wide. "Oh God, he knows! He's been caught! He – he could tell! Christmas Eve he found out I don't know how he just knew – and – and Azkaban he's captured – he knows!"

"Woah woah, slow down," he said calmingly. "Look at me. What happened?"

"I don't know! He just knew—"

"Who?"

"Voldemort! Snape!"

Realisation flashed across Lupin's face and he froze. No.

"We should call the others. Come into the kitchen, I'll get them," he said forcing calm into his voice.

Harry emerged out of the shower, his hair plastered to his face and steam rising from his body. After drying himself with a towel he dressed and walked back into his bedroom feeling pleasantly refreshed. Hedwig was snoring contentedly on the edge of the chest of drawers and every now and then her head would bob slightly. Harry walked out of the room not even bothering to look at himself in the mirror. As he neared the bottom of the stairs he heard urgent voices coming from within the kitchen. Harry would have walked in and asked what was going on until he stopped, mid-stride as he caught what was said next.

"Severus? Oh no. No, no you can't be serious."

"We all knew this would happen eventually."

Suddenly his dream smashed back into his memory. He remembered every line, every pause, every yell of anger. He now knew what that sinister feeling inside him had been linked to. He now recalled why he kept getting visions of Voldemort's eyes flaming lividly and Snape crumpling to the floor in agony.

It hadn't been only a dream.

He remained standing outside, listening to Tonks tell everyone what she knew. It was very little.

"What are we going to do?" Hermione asked sounding extremely upset.

"I don't know dear, we'll have to call the Order for another meeting. As soon as possible," Molly replied. "We need to find out as much as we can, too."

Sighing, Harry walked in. One of them was bound to walk out soon and discover him standing there anyway. Everyone's heads looked up and a few glanced awkwardly at Tonks as though wondering whether she would relay the news again. When she looked, around baffled at the sudden attention, Mrs Weasley opened her mouth. Harry shook his head, before she began and said, "I know about Snape."

They all stared at him. Harry gritted his teeth and continued, "I had a dream about it."

No-one's eyes moved away. Harry could feel himself getting flustered "- A few days ago," he added uncertainly.

Tonks was gaping. She closed her mouth, blinked a few times and then said, "You dreamt this would happen to Snape?"

"Yea," he was feeling very uneasy with everyone glaring at him like this, as though it was his fault. "But I forgot about it."

Mrs Weasley looked around at everyone in the room. "How could you forget something this important?" she asked.

"I just woke up and couldn't remember what I dreamt of," he answered, already sounding irritated.

"You couldn't remember anything at all? Nothing?" Molly persisted.

Harry knew it would be easier to lie and leave out the details but he felt that he shouldn't. "Well I could remember Voldemort was angry with Snape. That was all."

"Why didn't you tell us?"

Harry knew that was coming. "I didn't think I should."

"What?!" Tonks exclaimed. Instantly Harry felt a surge of anger at the tone in her voice.

"Harry, one of your dreams saved Dad's life!" George said.

"I know! But how was I supposed to know Snape's life was in danger!?" Harry snapped.

"You dreamt it!!! You should have told someone!" Fred said loudly.

"WHY?!" Harry shouted, provoked by the reproachful glares he was receiving. "What good would it do?!"

"We could have been forewarned! Been more careful!" Tonks spluttered her voice rising. "We could have stopped Severus from getting in this mess! Voldemort now knows he's a spy! Don't you see how dangerous this is for the Order? And all this time you could have warned us! And you didn't!" her eyes flashed.

"Harry, you knew something was going to happen to Severus why didn't you say so? We have to look out for each other in the Order!" Molly said, her eyes absent of their usual soft, caring look.

Harry shrugged, "I didn't want to!" he said, annoyed that everyone was blaming him.

"What do you mean 'you didn't want to'!? How can you not want to TELL us someone's in DANGER?!" Tonks said, anger filling her voice.

"I didn't KNOW he was in DANGER! It was JUST A DREAM!" Harry yelled back.

 "HARRY HOW THICK CAN YOU GET? YOU KNOW YOU DON'T GET REGULAR DREAMS!" Fred shouted.

 "You should have told us!!!" Hermione interrupted.

"WHY?! Tell me why I was supposed to tell you! ... Remember last time? EH? ...  WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME I TOLD YOU ABOUT A DREAM I HAD WHERE SOMEONE WAS IN TROUBLE?" he raged, glaring at her, his voice pained. "TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!"

Hermione looked pleadingly at him and Harry's voice shook as he bellowed, "I KILLED MY GODFATHER THAT'S WHAT!"

Everyone fell silent.

There was a pause until Lupin said quietly, "Harry, it wasn't your fault."

"YES IT WAS!" Harry hollered, rounding on him. "IT WAS MY FAULT! IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, SIRIUS WOULD STILL BE ALIVE! IT'S ALL MY FAULT! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! ALL MY FAULT! ALL OF IT!" He yelled thumping his arms wildly at his side.

"Harry, no!" Ron said loudly.

"It is! I was so stupid I believed my dream and we all flew off to save him but it was trick it was Voldemort's trick and now Sirius is never coming back! Because of ME! Because I believed a DREAM! AND I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT AGAIN! YOU THINK I HAVEN'T LEARNT?"

The Weasleys were backing off now as Harry swung around looking for someone else to glare at.

"Don't do this to yourself," Hermione said softly.

"What?! Do what to myself?! What am I supposed to do?! Pretend everything's alright? Pretend it never happened? Pretend he's still alive? He's not! He's dead! He's dead and it's because of ME! I'm NOT going to make the SAME MISTAKE TWICE!" Harry yelled.

The facial expressions of the people in the room had changed. The anger, exasperation, pity, regret and irritation showed through everyone. No-one made an attempt to speak and not being able to stand the tension any more, Harry turned and walked out.

His shouting had roused Mrs Black who was screaming her usual insults.

"SHUT UP you stupid old woman!" he yelled as he approached her.

"...DISGUSTING SCUM POLLUTING THE AIR OF MY HOUSE!" she screeched.

"WELL THERE'S ONE LESS SCUM NOW THAT YOUR SON'S DEAD! HAPPY?" he spat.

"HE WAS NO SON OF MINE!" she shrieked back at him.

Ignoring her, Harry strode past and upon reaching the top of the stairs he broke into a run. He didn't stop until he reached his bedroom door which he shoved open, slammed closed, and then collapsed on his bed, fuming.

He lay there for a while, furious that the others wouldn't look at it from his point of view.

He slowly calmed down and his breathing gradually returned to normal. 10 minutes later someone tapped on the door.

"Go away," Harry ordered bitterly.

"Let me come in, Harry," Lupin said. "If you want, you can send me out and I promise I will leave. But please listen to me first."

Harry grunted and pushed his head further into his pillow. "Ok," he muttered.

Lupin walked in and closed the door delicately behind him. He said nothing until he was sitting at the end of Harry's bed.

There was a silence where they both appeared to be waiting for the other to say something.

Remus took a deep breath, "I know how much you must be hurting," he started, his voice full of compassion.

Harry made a funny noise that showed he clearly didn't think so.

"You lost Lily and James and 13 years later you find the best person you could wish for. I know how much you loved Sirius and he loved you too, Harry... He loved you like a father, like James would have. And now he's gone too." Lupin closed his eyes and sighed. "But it isn't your fault. You have to stop telling yourself that it is. Taking on all the blame won't bring him back," he paused and looked at Harry's still figure.

He sighed again, looking 10 years older than he really was, and continued, "It hurts me too, Harry. James, Sirius and ... Peter were the only friends I ever had." Remus' features tightened as he remembered how good a friend Peter had once been. He had once been one of The Marauders. Now he was the furthest from A Marauder one could ever be. He had betrayed his friends out of cowardice and selfishness. He wished Peter could have been insane, unstable, under the Imperius Curse – something other than a plain traitor.  Forcing back his anger he continued in a steady voice.

"They were the only 3 people who accepted me for what I am. 16 years ago everything came crashing down. My whole life. James and Peter died and Sirius was a traitor for the Dark Lord. I couldn't believe something like that could happen. I wanted to be dead too."

Harry shifted a little. Lupin's eyes seemed to age at the end of every sentence. They grew more tired as slowly the shadows of years of suppressed emotion fought their way to the surface. Fear ...  sadness ... loneliness ... hunger ... worry ... fury ... confusion.

Remus ran his hand through his tousled, sandy, hair and continued. "I went through years and years of pain, I was all alone – like you. And then the same year you found your Godfather ... I found my best friend. I learnt that he wasn't a murderer or a traitor and that Peter was still alive, but servant to Voldemort. It was like a miracle: I had one of my best friends back. And I had James' son too."

The sunlight danced on Remus's face accentuating his lines, formed from a life's worth of internal battles.

"The both of us decided to look after you - for James."

He closed his eyes and continued, stumbling slightly on the words as though they were painful to say.

"Last July it happened all over again – and I lost my last friend. I'm not trying to ask for sympathy or pity, I'm just trying to show you that there are people you can talk to. I'm one of them."

There was long silence where neither of them said anything. Harry turned over and sat up, his back pressed against the wall. Remus didn't look at him.

"Sorry," Harry mumbled. "I – I didn't realise."

Lupin nodded slowly.

Harry looked down at his knees for a while. "I really miss him," he said eventually, his voice shaking slightly.

Lupin turned his neck and looked straight at Harry's eyes. "So do I."

Harry swallowed. "And Dad."

Lupin nodded again, "Me too, Harry."

Harry sniffed and blinked furiously, fighting against the tears. Lupin looked away. They sat in silence for a while ... as tears escaped from Harry's eyes and lingered on his cheeks. He gulped and let out a shattered gasp. Lupin bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes.

"Harry," he said his own voice shuddering, "Come here."

Harry lingered for a moment and then pushed himself towards the edge of the bed so that his legs hung off and hit the floor.

Lupin turned to him and seemed to hesitate for a second before gently pulling him into a hug.

Surprised as he was, Harry was very grateful for it. Remus held him to his body and Harry let his head fall on his shoulder. He took another broken gasp and forced his eyes shut. Lupin squeezed him. Tears started to push against his eyelids and as they won over him, Harry's shoulders started to shake.

"It's ok to cry, Harry," said Lupin's deep, soothing voice.

Harry dug his face into the warmth of Remus's neck and let his tears flow, his breath coming in broken gasps and trembling moans.

Remus clutched him tightly, tears of his own – tears he'd kept bottled up for 4 months – spilling silently out, releasing all the pain and confusion along with them.