Fall

by AutumnIllusion

From the beginning, fate seemed to have stepped in the way of my own thoughts.Meaning fate was for Syaoran and Sakura, with the leftovers just scattered on the edge of the plate, getting cold.What a foolish act it seems to me now, trying to change that...

Fall

By AutumnIllusion

A Meiling One-shot

Authoresses Note: My first one-shot. Mentions of suicide, but not the actual action (incase ur sensitive to that stuff) Lets just think of Meiling not being Syaoran's cousin, the way it's set up. AU, no engagement and exc.

Disclaimer: Dun own CCS or characters, all that. On with the fic.

It was unstoppable.

From the beginning, fate seemed to have stepped in the way of my own thoughts. Meaning fate was for Syaoran and Sakura, with the leftovers just scattered on the edge of the plate, getting cold. What a foolish act it seems to me now, trying to change that. Such a pitiful attempt, I knew I was just a villain. Just an obstacle, never standing a chance.

Had I really believed that I could make dear Syaoran come back to me? That he would drop out of his clouds and dreams of Sakura, and run back to retrieve me. I had somehow maintained that idea, and each day I could have sworn I was closer, just an arm's width away.

I laughed bitterly, tracing over those childish win-lose concepts. I chuckled dryly all the way until I had reached my apartment, located in a wedge between a flower shop and an old married couple's building. Sounds like a nice place, doesn't it? Of course, what less could you expect from me, perfectionist, Li Meiling? My keys dropped against the wooden dining room table, with only two seats to dine with, one at each end of it. They echoed hollowly through the dim rooms. I flicked on the lights, a dull yellow. Then swiftly drew open the curtains, letting some filtered sunlight pour in.

I remember when I met him. He returned my bird to me, even in the pouring rain. I hadn't realized it the moment I met him, but when he brought Birdie back to me, I did. I realized he was all I wanted. He never let me get close. He never really let anyone. But as long as I saw him all the time, grew up with him, I had the advantage. I would keep him all to myself, and nothing could break that. I guess now that I think about it, I imagined more about him than I actually saw. I dreamed of him, admired everything. We didn't know each other like close friends. Just grew up side by side. But I knew about him. He was everything to me, but it was a secret.

But what good are those feelings if he didn't know?

So I ended up telling him. I remember it so well.

……………………………….

He was waiting at the bus stop, after school. The sky was tinted red and orange, my favorites.

I thought that was a good sign, my luck.

The air was chilly, but the sun warmed my cheeks in the late fall season. He was eating a chocolate cookie, his favorites are chocolate. And just so blunt, I approached him, tapped him on the shoulder. He merely turned his head to see who was there, and I was entranced in his amber eyes. The way he simply cocked his head to the side, showing his martial art skills. The way his hair fell over his face, messy and untamed. The way he looked me in the eye fearlessly.

"I like you."

I had just blurted it out like that, before I could back out. No, I didn't just like him. I loved him. I couldn't lie and degrade my feelings for him to 'like'.

"I love you."

I added on, before Syaoran even had time to react. That was one of the few times I ever saw him flinch like he didn't know what to do. So I just pulled his shoulder so I could reach him, and kissed him on the cheek.

"Li Meiling…I can't…I don't…" Syaoran whipped my kiss of his cheek, rubbing it on the arm of his coat. "I don't feel that way about you." He said it so clear. They almost had no emotion. I didn't have a plan next.

"I'll see you in school tomorrow," I bid goodbye, and turned, leaving. My words, unlike his, were choked out, unwinding in feeble and stuttering syllables. The whole way home, I staggered my tears. I just waited until I reached my bed before letting them all go.

Now when I recall it, I feel guilt, along with sadness. Guilt, because I stole Syaoran's first kiss. That kiss belonged to Sakura, not me. Not me…

……………………………….

Tonight is our high school reunion. That was ten years ago. When I got that letter in the mail inviting me last week, I just tossed it aside. Why would I want to join everyone and listen to all the accomplishments everyone else achieved? It wasn't that I didn't achieve anything. I had. I was now a successful business woman, well known, living in this fancy apartment. I went out and partied. I was social. There was nothing wrong with me. But I didn't have what I needed. I feel bad for Kio too. In the end, I'm just dragging him to the bottom with me. How can I be his girlfriend, when my heart isn't his? It never will be, no matter how hard I try. Truthfully though, I don't want to try. But now, I'm going to that reunion, and there's no doubt I'll see Syaoran there. It's not like I don't see him every once in a while anyway, while I'm taking a walk. I pretend its okay, I wave and say hi. That's what I did through the rest of school. No matter how much it hurt me, I covered it up. It hurt me that he didn't feel the same about me. To everyone else, it looked like nothing had ever happened, like I could never get dispirited about him. We were friends, we really did become friends. But I always felt more. Syaoran should have seen it though.

That was our little secret

I skimmed through my closet, racked with too much I would ever wear. I finally took out a simple black skirt, and a red blouse. I slipped them on. It was almost 6:00, time to head over to the reunion. I clicked on my buckle up black shoes, grabbed my keys again, and left.

……………………………….

The place was pretty busy. Everywhere people were laughing and hugging. Some of them I recognized. I really should go over to them. I went to get a drink at the food stand, wine for me. And then I saw him. His deep amber eyes. His sweet and rare smile. His golden band around his finger. It circled his left ring finger, shining at me as if saying Now it's over. For good. You have no chance. I looked back at it, so clear, but without scowling. I wouldn't keep being the villain. Even if it meant surrendering.

The message was always there, this band only now secured the statement. I collided the glass in my hand with my lips, gulping down some wine. And then I went over to saw hi to Sakura Kinomoto. She grinned sweetly at me, and immediately skipped over to greet me. "Meiling!" she hugged me, and I did back. She really was a good person.

"Wow, I see you have a ring," I pointed out, faking a smile on my face. I was oh so great at faking them.

Sakura nodded and held it up, "Syaoran and I are marrying in April!"

"Really?" I beamed in 'surprise', "Congratulations!"

"Thank you! I'll go get Syao, okay?" Sakura gestured to the other side of the big room, where Syaoran was talking to someone. She started to skip over to him.

"Oh, no it's fine…" I stopped her, waving a hand politely. "I'll probably see him later during this thing. I don't want to interrupt him right now." I explained. "I'll see you around though, okay?"

Sakura nodded, "I'm sure I will. I'll be sure to send you an invitation for the wedding! You can be in my wedding party, okay?"

I laughed, "Sure that would be a great honor. Tell Syaoran I'll glad for him." I hugged Sakura again, then disappeared into the crowd again. I remember the first months after Syaoran met Sakura. He seemed to be unstable around her, something I had never witnessed. It was obvious to anyone except Sakura that he had a crush on her. I even acted like I wanted to get them together, chatting with Tomoyo on how the plan would unfold. But really, I didn't think it was fair. I didn't understand. I was supposed to be the one. I should have. I was the one who knew him since childhood, knew everything about him. I was the one who actually saw how great he was. I was an honor student, A grades, just to stay in Syaoran's league, by his side. I was the one who deserved him. She didn't even have to try, and surpassed me. She just had to trip and fall to make Syaoran laugh. I could never make him laugh the way Sakura did.

Later Kio caught up with me. He found me, even in the midst of all the people. But by that time, I was tired. Really, I seriously was tired. I wanted to go home.

"There you are!" Kio kissed my forehead. "Wanna go say hi to Li Syaoran? I haven't talked to him yet."

"Oh, I already did," I lied. "But you go on without me. I'm feeling tired from seeing everyone. I'm gonna go home, okay?" I smiled weakly. I saw it all, the expression on his face drop a little.

"I'll take you home then," he nodded, ready to escort me. What a sweet guy. I really hate myself for leading him on like this.

"No, I'm fine. Don't end your reunion early just because of me," I patted his shoulder. "Really." I kissed his cheek, waved, and left again. He must think I'm having an affair. Poor him. As I left, I could just feel his eyes lingering on me, with second thoughts. He deserves so much more than the likes of me.

It was dark out. I got into my car. Flicked the radio on. The music whined in the background, distant. Some song about all these strange things that…I couldn't really piece together the meaning of. I liked that song though. But tonight I couldn't care less, and turned the dial down until I couldn't hear it. I didn't even talk to him. All I did was steal a glance, one second where our eyes locked tonight. I think I must have started crying. My cheeks felt flushed and damp. Lucky me I didn't put makeup on. So he was getting married. It was only a matter of time until it was sealed. It shouldn't shock me at all. It didn't really. I just…

As long as the one I love is happy, that makes me happy too.

I tried to tell myself that. But that's a lie. I can't be happy this way. It's just not possible for me. I can't be happy if he's not there. If he doesn't care about me. I want him to be with me, I want to die with him. Die. Hmm, what and interesting idea.

To die.

I want to die. I don't want to be invited to the wedding of Sakura and Syaoran Li. I don't want to be in the blessed wedding party. I want to die. To end it all now. It would set me at ease, right? I would never have to think of living on and remembering Syaoran when he's out of my reach. But I can't. I made a promise to myself. A promise that I'd never kill myself. That I'd never feel my life was so worthless that I had to end it rather than face it. I know I people make their own paths by themselves only. I tried. I failed.

But I can't break that promise.

No matter how much I want some things, I can never get them.

……………………………….

I packed. And packed some more. I packed this whole apartment up. It only took me one day. And now I'm writing some dumb letter. It's a letter to Kio. It's supposed to explain why I'm leaving. It's stupid though.

Kio,

I'm sorry. When you get this, you'll hate me. I'm sorry for that. I can't be here anymore. I can't stay in Tomoeda anymore. Why? I can't explain. I'm safe though, so don't worry. I won't be back though. I am truly sorry. You're a really nice guy, and deserve better than me.

Love,

Li Meiling

What a piece of crap. I wouldn't blame him for cursing out once he reads it. It's all bull. I wouldn't believe it. But what can I tell him, that I can't watch my real love get married, so I'm leaving? That wouldn't sound much better. I think it's better if he didn't know. I bit my lip, feeling the sting as I read over the letter. I shook my head in disgrace. It sounded horrible. But I didn't want detail. Finally, I took an eraser and deleted the 'Love' before my name. At least now it was more truthful, but it just looked…a bit empty with my name alone, printed dully at the bottom. Oh well.

Maybe I'll go back to China. All I know is that I can't stay here anymore. In a few months, I'll get a card from Sakura and Syaoran. It'll be the invitation to the wedding. But I won't be here. I won't respond to it, and they'll never know. They'll probably think they wrote my address wrong, and try again. Problem is, I won't live here anymore. So today I'm going to the bus stop, and I'll ride to the edge of town. Of this small town. Maybe I'll find something else to live for, somewhere out of Tomoeda. I already put my things up to be shipped to China, where my family is. I'll just go back and they'll be there. I don't feel like going back just yet though. So I left that note to Kio taped to the floor. I don't need to put it in his mail box or anything. He'll come by. He'll come by today.

Today is my birthday after all.

I won't see Syaoran for a while, I guess. Or Sakura. Maybe I'll come back oneday, just for a little. To check up on things.

I always liked the Fall.

It was a sweet November, but shadowed into Winter. So for some dumb reason, when I cried in bed after Syaoran's rejection at the bus stop, I called it a falling. I guess that Fall was when all my dreams of Syaoran proved to be unreachable. And it hurts, but sometimes, you just have to let go. Sometimes you just have to Fall.

I could never be happy if I watched them from the other side.

I'll just shut the window.

Still, a leaf falls off the tree, and through the window

It stops at my feet

As winter arrives

…………………………………………………………………....

Li Meiling

173 Cherry Street.

Tomoeda, Japan

Return address: Syaoran & Sakura Li

Please join in the celebration of two people's lives joining into one

The marriage of Syaoran Li and Sakura Kinomoto

On Saturday, April twenty third, two thousand and five

From three o'clock pm. And a dinner party at seven o'clock pm.

RSVP by 3.10.05 at 654-8366

Hope you can come!

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Authoresses Note: Ano…that was my first one-shot. o.o hope u liked…a bit odd, but…yeah. It went through a whole buncha revisions and stuff cause I had wanted to make it more 'angsty' but in the end, I think the feel of it was just…depressing instead? I didn't drag on misery, just made me feel…depressed. -.-;; but it got kinda messy with what the main idea would be, and it got all mixed, sharing spotlights on S&S marriage, wanting to die, finding something new, leaving dreams, that whole 'Fall' sentimentally thing, and…that part I'm disappointed about squishing so much in, but…then the original title was 'Autumn Goodbye' and I had this cornier stuff at the end that linked to the title, but took it out. And the title would look weird next to my pen name, with all the autumn thing goin on. So another word for autumn is Fall, but that got sentimentally too...o well - Pleeeaaaaseeee review!