DiScLaImEr – Anyone wanna buy it for me?? I wouldn't mind, really~!
=^^= Characters' thinking is in bold…enjoy~!! =^^=
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~*~ Lest I Forget ~*~ Chapter 4 – This Is My…Home?````````````````````````````````````````````````
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"Remember Tohru-chan," Honda Kyoko was whispering to a sleeping young Tohru in her dreams, "remember to hold those dear to you close to your heart. Because if you hold them there…you'll always remember them, no matter what happens. Always…"
Eighteen-year-old Honda Tohru opened her eyes to greet the rays of sunlight spilling through her closed blinds. Stretching, the girl sat up in her blue bed and looked cautiously around her, trying to remember where she was.
Getting up from her bed, she wandered out into the kitchen and living room of her fair-sized apartment, noting that nothing she saw was familiar to her.
That…that can't be right. She thought a little frantically, frozen on the spot she had walked into. Almost hysterically—and with amazing speed, to boot—the girl looked around her in shock mode, trying to catch of glimpse of something—anything—that would strike a cord in her frizzled memories…and found that she could not remember anything in what appears to be her own home.
Wha…why can't I remember this place? She thought as she sank on the cold, tiled floor, her knees having buckled out from beneath her as the perplexed girl tried to figure out what was going on. However, try though she might, Tohru found that she could no more remember this place than she could remember what happened yesterday…or the day before…
Her memory clicked in, finally allowing the girl to recall an event of her life. The first thing that came to her mind brought tears to the lonely girl's eyes, spilling over immediately and a silent flow.
All the girl could remember was sitting by her mother's deathbed at the hospital, holding the woman's cold, limp hand and crying by her unresponsive side, her heart torn in a million little pieces.
Okaa-san…
The phone ran from its hiding place which she did not have memory of, and Tohru got up from her place on the floor to search for it. Finally finding it on what appeared to be her work desk, she picked it up cautiously, as if she was almost afraid of what she might hear.
"Mushi mushi?"
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The mere sound of her innocent voice was enough to overwhelm the guilt he had bottled up inside his heart. His throat suddenly dry, Sohma Hatori swallowed, trying to keep his usually stoic voice and expression blank as he spoke to the girl whom they all owed so much to.
"Hai…Honda Tohru-san," he began, speaking formally to her as if she was a stranger. He could feel the gazes of Sohma Ayame, Momiji and Hatsuharu burning at the back of his head. Ignoring them, he continued, wanting to check to make sure the girl was all right. "This is your doctor calling—I just wanted to check up on you. Are you feeling better now?"
Doctor… the girl on the other side of the line thought slowly, searching carefully in her muddled memories to place this strange voice to a face but found that she could not. After all, whenever she was sick Kyoko would take care of her little daughter herself, always having the appropriate medicine at home since Tohru was prone to colds and flu. Closing her eyes momentarily to contain the threatening flow of tears and not wanting her "doctor" to hear her cry—whoever he may be—Tohru spoke into the cordless phone, her voice as gentle and soft as Hatori remembers it to be.
"I'm fine, thank you. I'm sorry for troubling you to call." she said politely, and then, trying not to sound too anxious or pushy just so she wouldn't worry the good doctor, Tohru continued. "But…I don't remember much of being ill. Could you please tell me what happened? With me, that is…what was I sick with?"
A pause. Tohru gripped her phone tighter, anxious to have someone tell her what had happened and make sense of all this—strangeness—that surrounded her. All these things that she does not recognize. On the other end of the line, Hatori closed his eyes and readied himself for the practiced lie that he had prepared to tell her.
"You took ill after…after…" the stoic man paused, unable to go on knowing he'd touch an open wound. His throat tightened uncharacteristically as he heard the girl take a deep breath and finished his sentence for him.
"After my mother…passed away?" she whispered softly, unable to speak any louder without losing grip of her control over her threatening tears.
"Yes," Hatori responded mechanically, regaining his composure. "You took ill after that, and became very feverish. You were brought to my clinic, and you just recently became better again—enough to go home."
Knowing that his audience might not be able to hold themselves in check for much longer, Hatori went on speaking, trying to reassure the girl and give her as much of a past as he could without telling her the truth—because by telling her the truth, he would be sealing her with another painful fate as the one she had already suffered for their sake.
"However, since you were delirious for such an extended period of time, it is possible that you might not remember much of the events which occurred during your illness. That is perfectly normal. Give yourself a day or two to readjust to your surroundings and re-familiarize yourself with them, and you should feel as if you were never sick."
This is for her sake… Hatori told himself as he waited for the girl to take in all that he had just told her. This is so that she could create a new future for herself—one free of our curse whose burden should have never been placed upon her shoulders.
A long moment of silence passed. The information passed to the girl send her mind into a mind boggling swirl as Tohru tried to process all the information she had been given in attempt to fit all the currently loose ends of her life together, trying to form a clear picture. Finally, she spoke, not wanting to keep the doctor from his work any longer than she had.
"I…I understand." Tohru began slowly. "Arigatou gozaimasu, Doctor-san, for taking care of me! Please…what can I call you by?"
"Hatori." came the short reply. Then, wanting to use an explanation to avoid her question for his last name, he continued quickly before she had time to intervene. "I am a close friend of your family, so you can just call me Hatori."
"Ah…" Tohru said, completely believing in the word of this man whom she does not remember. Hastily, Hatori spoke again before she had time to ask anything else, wanting to end this conversation quickly as the guilt in his heart and the looks on his companions' faces became too overwhelming for him to bear.
"I must be getting back to work, then, if that is all." He said impassively, and hating himself for it behind his expressionless mask. "Unless there is something else you need?"
"Iie, iie." She was just as quick to reassure him as ever. "Sumimasen for troubling you, Hatori-san."
"It's all right. I will be calling you from time to time, just to check up on you. Don't hesitate to tell me if there is something you need." It's the least—and the best—I can do right now…to make sure you're all right…to make sure you'll be all right, Honda-kun, from the shadows of your new life…
"Oh…that's very kind of you, Hatori-san! But I'm sure I'll be fine, please…don't worry about me!" Tohru said with a smile in her voice, ever so quick to reassure others of her well-being before even thinking about it.
"Then…sayonara, Honda-san."
"Sayonara, Hatori-san."
Click.
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"So is she really…all right?" an uncharacteristically somber Ayame asked, looking out the open sliding doors in Hatori's personal study rather than making eye contact with any of the worried and dejected gazes of the room's remaining occupants.
It was board daylight outside—the morning after their release from Akito's isolation and punishment…and the morning after Tohru's memories had been erased. Those who made their homes at the main house had gathered in Hatori's study when the Sohma family doctor had told them he would be making a phone call to Tohru in her new apartment, to see if erasing her memories had taken any ill effects on her. Anxious and too upset to go anywhere else, Ayame had also stayed with the always-calming Hatori, lest he spread his gloom to his already upset little brother and the Kyon-kichi.
At the moment, however, even though he appeared to be calm, the Sohmas knew that the stoic doctor must be suffering from as much inner turmoil as they all were.
"She seems to be all right." the expressionless man answered blandly, careful not to let his own sadness and guilt leak into his voice.
Silence overtook the room and its occupants, each looking lost in his own world. Sohma Hatsuharu spoke up, his bland voice soft but clearly heard in the quiet room.
"The story you told her…" he began, leaving his sentence to trail as he gazed into Hatori's face, trying to find any hidden emotions or pieces of information he might be hiding from the rest of them.
"I had to tell her something…it's for her good." Hatori said to his cousin, facing the opened sliding doors as well. His voice was devoid of emotion, his eyes watching the sky calmly but not seeing anything. "She can't remember us…not after already having her memories erased. If she remembers us, then it would be a repeat of this whole incident again—I know none of us would want her to be put through that again…not when she has already been through it once already…not when she should have never been put through it in the first place!" Hearing his own voice raising, Hatori rubbed his hand over his closed eyes tiredly, trying to control his anger.
However, that was easier said than done…especially when one is trying to control anger—and even hate—that one felt for himself. He knew it…he knew that he would hate himself the moment Tohru had knelt before him willingly, telling him to erase her memories to buy their freedom. The worst part was that he knew he deserved this hate and anger he felt for himself—that the others undoubtedly felt for him also.
"It's not fair." came a sad, soft voice from the corner. Hatori opened his eyes to look at Momiji, huddled by a wall, his arms wrapped around his knees like a small child as he looked miserably at the floor. "It's not fair…it's not Tohru's fault. Not at all."
No. Hatsuharu thought as he stared at his cousin, to see the expression of pain clearly written on his face just as Haru himself felt it inside of him, carefully hidden beneath his indifferent expression. It's not…her fault at all…she shouldn't've been involved in this…shouldn't have had to pay a price—any price…not for a curse that was not her own to begin with.
Closing his eyes and fighting his Black personality's urge to destroy everything he saw in his sights, Haru looked out to the clear blue sky with the two twenty-seven year-olds in the room, turning his gaze away from Momiji to stare at the floor by himself, each lost in his own thoughts of the girl who had given them so much…too much.
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Tohru found herself sinking onto the cold, stone-tiled floor of her apartment, cradling the silent cordless phone. Closing her eyes, she leaned back against the wall for support as she tried her best to keep her tears from falling.
Okaa-san…'kaa-san, gomen ne…I know that this isn't like me at all… Demo…at least for today…at least for now…let me cry…let me be like this…
I feel so lost without you, okaa-san… Even this place that's supposed to be our home feel so…so strange…so empty…
So very lonely…
Making her way back to her bedroom, Tohru caught a glimpse of her mother's photo, smiling brightly at her from its place on her nightstand. Taking it in her arms, the girl laid on her bed and cried, allowing her tears to flow freely as she mourned for her dead mother, wishing with her whole heart that somehow…somehow, she wouldn't feel so alone.
To move on…I have to move on, don't I? She asked Kyoko's picture silently, blinking back her tears. It's what you would've wanted, 'kaa-san…you've always said you liked it when I'm happy. You'd want me to be able to continue living…you'd want me to smile again—to be happy again…
Demo…
Demo ne…to move on without you by my side…Okaa-san…I miss you so much…
The ticking of the kitchen clock seemed to echo in the quiet apartment, its ticking providing the only source of sound aside from the muffled sobs of the girl lying facedown on her bed, holding her mother's picture.
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Sohma Shigure watched his two younger subjects silently, with a heavy yet unreadable expression on his face. The three of them were sitting in the living room, at the very table where they had once shared their meals for the past two years with a girl named Honda Tohru. At the moment, all was quiet in the medium sized room—the elder of the three sat before the other two, watching them, while the younger Sohmas both stared back at him with shocked expressions on their faces, their minds having trouble registering what they were just told. Understanding their need to take the time for the news to sink in, Shigure had opted to stay silent, knowing that the outbursts would come soon.
After a few moments, Sohma Kyou jumped up, flipping the table over in the process. The mixture of surprise, pain and disbelief was clearly written on his face.
"You…you're lying! How could she…why the hell didn't you stop her?! Why didn't someone stop her from going to him?! She…" overcome with his emotions, Kyou found that he was unable to go on speaking. All he could do was to continue standing there, staring with disbelief at his cousin who had taken them in for the past two years. A whirlwind of thoughts were crashing at him all at once, his mind too surprised and too upset to deal or make sense of any of them. His only thought was a single word with a single question mark: why?
"It wasn't something I could've stopped her from doing, Kyou." Shigure said to the cat, his voice as emotionless as he could make it. "I was forbidden to leave the main house too, remember? It was something she did on her own, without telling any of us…I think she knew…she…" swallowing the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat at the thought of the girl's face as she was in Hatori's clinic, the novelist continued, his voice sounding a little scratchy as the man tried to keep his face expressionless in front of his two younger cousins, lest they see his enraged and saddened turmoil of emotions and further upset them. "She knew what Akito wanted…by taking us all in to him…she knew what it meant if she went to him…for her to…just offer to him whatever price he would ask for in order to buy us freedom…she…" Closing his eyes with a sigh, he tried to keep talking without losing his composure.
"She knew…she was willing to sacrifice everything she's ever treasured…in order for us to live again. She was willing to give us everything…"
"And we just let it happen." The softly spoken yet cold words came from the remaining occupant of the room, who had been quiet the entire time. Not making eye contact with either of his cousins, Sohma Yuki stood up and walked out of the room, his footsteps tracing him heading up the stairs, followed by the sound of a slammed sliding door.
Shigure's gaze trailed the disappearing form of his pale cousin until he could no longer see him, his gaze filling with the pain he knew Yuki must be also feeling. Hearing a uncharacteristically soft voice speak, he turned back to the impulsive youth still standing paces away from him.
"She…she's so stupid." The orange-haired boy said softly, half-heartedly, looking out the sliding doors with a pained and lost expression. "Why did she do that…didn't she even think of what might happen after? To us? To herself?"
"I think all she thought of was that she had a chance to help us…and she took it." Shigure said tiredly, not bothering to hide his own sad expression anymore. Hearing the half-sigh, half-grunt from the cat, Shigure lifted his gaze from the knocked-down table to see him walking away as well. Knowing that they all needed their own space right now, the dog only watched silently as Kyou made his way up the stairs and onto the roof.
Alone, Shigure looked out the sliding doors to the sky overhead, watching the evening sun beginning to sink lower and lower in the sky. Thinking about what the orange cat had said, Shigure sighed, staring moodily at the darkening blue sky.
Tohru-kun…if you had thought about what might happen afterwards—if you had thought about the people you'd leave behind…or even about yourself, after your memories gets taken from you—would you still have done the same and given them up??
…would you have still given them up so freely…so willingly, and without a fight?
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Wow…I did another chappie~! =^^= Hey minna-san~! Toldcha I'd update in a month's time, or as soon as I could, didn't I?? Well, here you have it XD
*yawns* I have to hit the sack now…it's so late…I think that after this chappie (cuz I did say it'd be another dark chapter, ne? ^^*) things will get a lil lighter…but still, with such a dark atmosphere set in the background, it might take two chappies before this ficcy gets 'happy' at all…so just wait for it~!! Remember to tell me what you think of this chappie thou, please?? I'm still taking the votes on pairings~! As it stands at the moment…it's actually *sighs* a TIE…which really doesn't help in deciding things at all~! So if you have a preference, tell me either thru reviews or emails~!! n.n
Any forms of criticisms, comments or suggestions are all very very much welcomed~!! Hope you guys are having a great summer~!!
~Aqua Sunshine ^^*