Behind Blue Eyes

By Thalia Drogna

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To only telling lies.

– Behind Blue Eyes, The Who

Archer tried to get more information out of Colonel Darwin but all he would say was that Trip had experience of working with this particular alien technology. Everything else that Archer asked was met with the same reply: classified. Archer was getting very fed up with that word. There was nothing more that they could do until they reached the planet so he did the only other thing that he could think of and called Trip to his ready room.

"Captain, what can I do for you?" asked the Engineer. He was smiling but it definitely had a nervous edge to it.

"Take a seat, Trip," said Archer. By his tone, Trip could tell he was in for a grilling and he sat down with apprehension. "I've been going over your service record. It mentions that you were assigned to the Engineering Research facility on Mars Colony but I can't find any mention of you being part of the Special Projects Unit. Hell, I've never even heard of this Special Projects Unit."

"That's because it doesn't exist anymore," said Trip.

"I know, I looked it up. It was a combined-forces unit based on Mars colony. That's all I can find out about it. It doesn't say what it did and it doesn't say what kind of unit it was. Which means only one thing," said Archer.

Trip interrupted him. "Captain, if you know what it means then you know I can't tell you anything about what I did in Special Projects."

"I know, it's classified." asked Archer. "What on Earth were you doing that my clearance isn't good enough?"

Trip gave Archer a look which said it all, there was a lot more to this than he was being told. "I'm sorry, but I can't say anything about what I was doing," replied Trip.

"Colonel Darwin is a MACO Colonel. What was he doing in charge of Star Fleet personnel?"

"Originally it was purely a MACO unit. I was seconded to the Special Projects Unit from the Engineering division," said Trip. "It was only meant to be a temporary assignment, but it ended up being for three years."

"Why didn't you ever tell me that you served with the MACOs? It could have helped smooth out some of the relations with the MACOs while we were in the Expanse," said Archer.

"I don't like to talk about the Special Projects Unit if I can help it, it raises a lot of questions that I can't answer. It's just easier if I don't mention it. I mean, you can see what happens. People want to know what an Engineer was doing attached to bunch of MACOs and I can't tell them," said Trip.

"Trip, I know Colonel Darwin isn't telling me everything about the situation that we're going into and that could put Enterprise in danger," said Archer.

"I'm sorry, Captain, but if the Colonel isn't giving you all the details then he has a good reason and I can't tell you either. He won't put Enterprise in danger if he can help it," said Trip.

"I wish I could be so sure," said Archer.

"I can't tell you what we did, but I can tell you that Colonel Darwin was a fine CO. I've only ever served under one better," said Trip, looking pointedly at Archer.

"Trip, if you're trying to get out of this by paying me a compliment, it won't work. If Enterprise is placed in danger by your withholding information from me, I'll bust you back down to crewman. Is that understood, Commander?"

"Yes, sir," said Trip.

"You're dismissed," said Archer. He watched Trip go and then called Lieutenant Reed to his ready room.

"Lieutenant," said Archer. "I want you to do some digging for me."

Colonel Darwin sat in the quarters that he'd been assigned waiting for the inevitable visit. He didn't have to wait too long. The door chimed and he called for his visitor to enter.

"Captain Archer just gave me the third degree," said Trip, leaning against the bed frame with his arms crossed. "You could have at least warned me that you were coming."

"Sorry, Trip, there wasn't time," said Darwin.

"Well, sir, you'd better spill it. What you doing on Enterprise and why do I have a distinctly bad feeling about you being here?"

"You always did have good instincts," said Darwin.

"Seem to remember that was why you recruited me," said Trip.

"One of the many reasons," said Darwin.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I really had hoped that I was never going to see you again," said Trip.

"I'd hoped I wouldn't be here. How paranoid is your security officer?"

"Paranoid, but not as bad as you," replied Trip. "He's thorough but we don't bug personal quarters if that's what you mean."

"Even so," said Darwin. "If you wouldn't mind..."

Trip sighed and pulled out a small black box from his pocket and flicked the switch. He placed it on the desk. "There, we can talk without being listened to."

"I was just beginning to wonder if you were getting soft," said Darwin and then related the story he'd just told Archer.

"Sounds fairly routine so far," said Trip.

"Yes, except that the survey ship detected some unusual readings," said Darwin. He handed Trip a padd.

"Hawking radiation," said Trip, his voice little more than a whisper. "From the crashed ship?"

"Yes, and we both know what that means," said Darwin.

"Damn, it's just like Faranor," said Trip.

"Now you know why I'm here," said Darwin, "and like I told your Captain, you're the only other person who has experience with this technology. We cannot let this fall into the hands of the Klingons."

"You got that right," said Trip. "What's the plan?"

"You, me and a shuttlepod. We recover the technology and we get out," said Darwin. "No one else gets near this thing."

"Agreed," said Trip. "I don't want anyone else put in danger."

"I don't have to tell you what we need to do if the Klingons get there first," said Darwin.

"I understand, sir," said Trip, a dark, cold look entering his eyes.

"I'm really sorry to drag you back into this. I know that you've been working hard to put your time in Special Projects behind you. I've been doing my best to forget it all as well, but it is good to see you again. It does seem like a long time ago that I found you in the 602 Club," said Darwin.

"It is a long time ago and you make it sound like I was a stray dog," said Trip, "I know that you'd already been checking me out for days when you came to the 602 Club."

Trip had just started working at the Warp Three Complex and was newly promoted to Lieutenant. He was enjoying being on the cutting edge of the warp programme, it was probably the most interesting place in the world as far as he was concerned. He was climbing quickly through the ranks, he was already the youngest Lieutenant on record and was hoping to be the youngest ever Lieutenant Commander.

He and another couple of Engineers were out celebrating his promotion and had been drinking for some time at the 602 Club. Being Engineers they were drunkenly going through one of the supposedly insoluble problems that currently beset the Warp Three programme. Trip had an idea about the warp coil that he thought would solve the problem, but his friends were less than supportive of his solution.

Ruby was as usual waiting tables and between explaining his theory on warp coils to his friends he was as usual guessing the names of Ruby's children. Not that Ruby had any children yet, but she'd promise to marry anyone who could pick the names that she'd chosen. Trip wasn't sure what he'd have done if he had guessed them, but it was a fun game to play with a pretty girl.

He hadn't noticed that he was being watched from the corner of the room by a MACO Major and Captain.

"What do you think?" asked the Captain.

"He's young, hot headed and arrogant," said the Major. "Just what we don't need."

"He's also a brilliant Engineer and old enough to understand the realities of life," said the Captain. "His superiors only have good things to say about him and he knows how to follow orders."

"That's Star Fleet, not the MACOs and it certainly isn't Special Projects," said the Major.

"We need an Engineer for the team," said the Captain.

"Yes, but not just any Engineer," said the Major. "And you still haven't convinced me that we need a Star Fleet Engineer or that it should be Lieutenant Tucker."

At that moment one of the other groups of Star Fleet officers jostled Ruby and she spilled the tray of drinks she was carrying. The Commander that she spilt the drinks over was furious.

"You stupid girl, look what you've done," he shouted. "I want to see your manager now!"

"Hey, it wasn't her fault," said Trip, going to help Ruby clear up the mess of broken glass and beer. "You knocked her."

"Are you talking to me, Lieutenant?" asked the Commander somewhat angrily emphasising Trip's rank.

"Yes, sir. I suggest you apologise to Ruby for making her spill all that beer," said Trip.

"And if I don't?" said the Commander.

"Then I'll be forced to ask you to step outside," said Trip.

"Trip, don't..." said Ruby. "It's not worth it."

"The hell it ain't. He's being impolite and I don't like it when people are impolite to my friends," said Trip drawing himself up to his full height.

"After you, Lieutenant," said the Commander. Trip began to walk towards the door but was jumped from behind by his opponent before he'd gone two steps. However his attacker's advantage was short lived as Trip managed to get in a couple of good blows before he had his legs taken out from under him. That was all it took for his friends to get involved and a full scale brawl to be started. Ruby carefully extricated herself and got out of the way of the flying furniture.

"This should be interesting," said the Major, watching it all from his corner.

Punches were thrown, furniture was broken, beer was spilled and at the end of it all Trip was left leaning against the bar wondering what had happened. Everyone else seemed to be either staggering for the door or out cold. Trip had a nasty black eye forming and was definitely going to be sore once the numbing effects of the alcohol wore off, but apart from that, considering he'd helped to start the whole thing, he didn't feel too bad.

"Lieutenant," said a voice behind him and he turned around to see a MACO Major standing behind him. "You've got a nice right hook on you. I'm looking for an Engineer to work on a special project attached to the MACOs. If you're interested then come and see me tomorrow at 11:00 hours. My name is Major Darwin." And he handed Trip a card and left the bar, the MACO Captain a couple of steps behind him.

Trip arrived the next morning for his appointment limping slightly and now with a full black eye. He'd argued with himself for the rest of the night and into the early hours of the morning as to whether he should take up the Major's offer. In the end curiosity won out. He needed to know what this project was. Nothing could have prepared him for the reality of Special Projects and what he would spend the next three years doing.

He now looked back at the incident with some irony, knowing that five years after he'd met Major Darwin in the 602 Club he'd be drinking beer and commiserating with his current Commanding Officer on the destruction of the NX-Alpha. It had been Archer who had busted the place up that time. He certainly wasn't the same man who'd walked into Major Darwin's office that day, and knew to stay out of the fight this time. He could never talk about what he'd done for those three years with Special Projects, so he'd pushed everything down inside himself and ignored it as best he could.

Except these things had a way of coming back to get you when you least expected it. Everyone thought that it was only after the Xindi attack that he'd had trouble sleeping, in fact it had been going on a lot longer than that. For the first year after he was back on Earth he didn't remember getting a full night's sleep. It had got better after that, but he would still find himself plagued by nightmares on a regular basis. He'd just about got over the worst of his insomnia when they'd got word of the Xindi attack. Lizzy's death had set the whole thing off again and made it far worse. If it hadn't have been for T'Pol he thought he probably would have gone insane. Luckily the only person who knew how bad it had really been was Phlox and he wouldn't say anything. Or at least he hadn't up until now, but Trip did wonder what would happen if the truth ever came out.

"I've spent the last ten years hiding who I am from my friends," said Trip.

"Well perhaps after this mission we can both finally put Faranor behind us," said Darwin.

"It wasn't just Faranor," said Trip. "Every mission we went on involved something that I'm not proud of. I know why we did it but that doesn't make it any easier. And then what happened on Faranor..." He trailed off, unable to finish.

"Antonia?" asked Darwin.

"Yes, Antonia," said Trip. "We came back from Faranor, she didn't."