Behind Blue Eyes

By Thalia Drogna

AN: Thanks to everyone for reviewing.

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

– Behind Blue Eyes, The Who

Reed was unbelievably angry, but also bewildered. He couldn't believe that Trip had kept this from them for all this time, or that Trip, sunny, outgoing, naïve Trip, was involved with a black ops unit. He decided to go to the gym and take out some of his anger on the punching bag. He entered the gym and found the one person he really didn't want to see already there and doing exactly what he'd planned to do. Reed turned to go back the way he'd come.

"You don't have to go on my account, Malcolm," said Trip, noticing the Lieutenant in the mirror. "I'll leave."

"No, it's okay," said Reed.

"You don't look okay," said Trip, undoing his gloves and towelling himself down. "I'm not exactly proud of myself for what we did."

"You lied to me," said Reed.

"Yes, you and everyone else," replied Trip. Wasn't the guilt already bad enough without Reed rubbing it in?

"All those hours we spent in here teaching you how to defend yourself, was a waste of my time, wasn't it? I suppose you were laughing your head off behind my back," said Reed.

"No, Malcolm, I wasn't," said Trip, completely serious.

"Well why don't you show me what you can do, Commander," said Reed, his tone dripping with anger and provocation, deliberately using Trip's rank to remind him of the friendship he stood to lose because of his lie of omission. Reed went to the mat that they had been sparring on only a few days earlier.

"Malcolm, I really don't think that's a good idea," said Trip, about to leave.

"Well I bloody well do. It's about time you showed me your true colours, Commander," said Reed and he indicated to Trip to take up the spot opposite him on the training mat. Trip knew that there really was only one way out of this. He really didn't want to do this but he had already realised that Reed wouldn't take no for an answer. Reed's pride had been wounded and he felt humiliated, until they cleared the air between them it wouldn't be right and if that meant he had to knock some sense into the Lieutenant then so be it. Trip wandered wearily over to take up his stance opposite the Lieutenant.

Right away Reed knew that something was different about Trip. First of all, his stance was perfect and Reed had always had to correct that when they had sparred before. Secondly there was a look behind his eyes that Reed hadn't ever seen in Trip before. This was going to be interesting.

"Let's see what you've got, Commander," said Reed. He threw a punch and Trip blocked it. Reed was surprised but didn't let it show as he quickly went into a sequence of moves that had always taken Trip down in the past. This time it didn't work. Trip wasn't where he had been half a second ago and Reed was off balance when Trip caught his kick and suddenly he was on the floor. He righted himself immediately, not giving his opponent time to catch him when he was down. Reed knew that Trip had to have received hand to hand combat training but he hadn't expected him to be this good. This wasn't going how he had expected it to.

Reed tried a different tactic, executing a perfect kick aimed at Trip' midriff, but again it was blocked and Trip moved instinctively to block the next blow. Reed's attacks were well executed and his technique was flawless, but somehow Trip was blocking every single one. And suddenly Reed realised, Trip wasn't fighting back.

Reed decided that it was time to pull the stops out. He'd been trying not to hurt Trip before, just teach him a lesson about keeping things from his friends, but so far he hadn't landed a single decent hit. It was time to stop playing and get serious. He knew he was fast, he had the advantage of agility due to his smaller size, but Trip was definitely stronger. He attacked again, watching and learning as Trip deflected the blows expertly, gone was the slightly clumsy Engineer that hadn't even been able to master the basics last week. Trip was now graceful and fluid in his motions, with the instincts of a fighter.

"Malcolm, we really don't have to do this," said Trip, stepping back from his friend trying to bring a halt to the fight.

"Oh I think we do," said Reed, making a come ahead gesture with his hands. Reed was out of breath and getting no where. He was getting frustrated by Trip blocking his attacks but not attempting any of his own. "I know this isn't the best that you can do. At least try and hit me." Perhaps he could goad him into making a mistake.

"You really don't want me to do that," said Trip, still in defensive posture. "I'm warning you Malcolm, it's really not a good idea to provoke me into something you'll regret." And then he added to himself, something that we'd both regret.

"What's the matter, don't you think I can defend myself. I am only the ship's security officer," said Malcolm angrily. Reed attacked again, this time aiming at making Trip fight back. Trip had no choice but to take the Lieutenant down and as he did it the old instincts came flooding back. He just stopped himself as he was about to make the final blow to his friend's neck and realising what he'd nearly done, he pushed Reed away and pulled himself to his feet and made quickly for the exit, leaving a dazed Lieutenant Reed lying on the mat wondering what had just happened.

"Shit," said Reed with feeling. For a moment that had been scary, Trip had looked different. He could have just told me. But then did I really have to do the Alpha male thing and pick a fight with him? I'd better go and find him. He'd been so angry with Trip that he'd forgotten about how his friend might be feeling. He obviously wasn't exactly proud of his time as part of the Special Projects Unit.

Reed decided that the only place Trip would go was back to his quarters. He made his way down to B deck and pressed the bell. There was no answer.

"Come on Trip, open up, it's Malcolm. We need to talk," said Reed, not caring who heard him.

After a brief pause, Trip finally opened the door. He went back into the room and sat down on the bed, indicating the chair to Malcolm. Trip looked down at his hands but said nothing.

"What's going on, Trip?" said Reed. "I suddenly feel like I don't know you at all. I thought that we were friends."

"After what I just did, I'm surprised you even want me as a friend," said Trip, dismally.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" asked Reed.

"I couldn't tell anyone to begin with. It was all classified. We all knew that the easiest thing was just not to tell anyone who we were. As far as anyone else knew we were a special research team. When the unit folded that's what was on my record. Besides, it's not exactly something that you say when you meet someone. "Hi, my name's Trip and I used to be a member of a black ops unit." And I just wanted to forget about it, pretend it never happened, go back to being that naïve kid who didn't understand what he was getting himself into."

"But why go through the whole charade of pretending to be inept in our sessions?" said Reed.

"How would I have explained being that good? I couldn't go back to work at R and D after two years of supposedly being posted at a research station and suddenly be really good at hand to hand combat. Starship Engineers aren't taught how to fight like I can. Then I was posted to Enterprise and I knew that you would have recognised my style a mile away. I was trained by the MACOs not Star Fleet. It would have raised a lot of questions that I didn't want to answer." Trip raised his head to look directly at Reed. "You know you said we'd been wasting our time with you teaching me self defence," said Trip.

"I think you just proved that I was right," said Reed. "You're obviously far better than I am."

"No, you don't understand," said Trip. "I was learning. I was learning how not to kill."

"So that's what you've been hiding all this time," said Reed.

Trip nodded. "We weren't taught self-defence like you've been teaching me. We were taught how to kill, efficiently and quickly. We were taught to fight on instinct. Kill or be killed. Most of the time it's all I can do not to let that instinct take over. I've been fighting against it coming out for a long time and today I almost killed you. I'm not fit to serve on Enterprise."

"But you didn't. You stopped yourself," said Reed.

"And what if I hadn't?" asked Trip.

"Irrelevant, you did stop yourself," said Reed. "You aren't that person anymore, Trip." He went and sat beside his friend on the bed.

"Three months was all it took to turn me into a killer," said Trip. "And when I was told to kill I did it, without even a second thought, because I knew that if I didn't they'd kill me and that would jeopardise the whole mission. It's a terrible way to look at life, Malcolm and the scary thing was I just kept telling myself it was what we had to do. It's been eating away at me, all those lives we took, I took, and until this week I thought I'd finally managed to put it all behind me. I've spent the last ten years lying about who I am and trying to turn myself into the person that I pretend to be."

"You've done a good job, I don't think any of us would have believed you if you'd told us you spent three years as part of a black ops unit. I guess I'm going to have to give up my "most dangerous man on Enterprise" title," said Reed.

"Actually I think you'd better keep it. After the unit was disbanded I took an oath, I swore that I'd never kill anyone else, I didn't want to be that person anymore," said Trip. "There's a good reason why I usually stay out of the fighting. I'd rather be killed than take someone else's life."

"What made you realise that wasn't who you wanted to be?" asked Reed. "And why did the unit fold?"

"It was the last mission we were on, a lot of people died. Too many," said Trip.

"More than died on the Nausicaan raiders outpost?" asked Reed.

"A lot more," said Trip.

"And this has something to do with what's on Deneb IV?"

"We think so," said Trip.

Reed looked at Trip as if he was about to question him further, but then changed the subject. "You know, now I have a better idea of your combat abilities I think we might be able to do something about re-training you."

"I don't know, Malcolm, it's pretty deeply ingrained. I've been trying, but you saw what nearly happened today. Most of the time I try not to fight at all, when I have to I'm constantly holding myself back and you know how dangerous that is when you're fighting. If you think too much it gives your opponent a huge advantage. Maybe it would be best if I just gave up," said Trip.

"No one on this ship gets away without regular combat training and that includes you. We're just going to have to try a different technique. And we'll start by doing a proper assessment of what you can do, rather than the show you've been putting on for us so far. We'll begin tomorrow morning."

"Malcolm, I thought you hated me. I'm pretty sure that the Captain does," said Trip. "Why are you trying to help me?"

"Trip, we don't hate you. We were just shocked and hurt that you didn't tell us who you are. It makes me wonder if you kept this from us, what else you've been hiding. It's going to take a little time to get used to," said Reed.

"I understand," said Trip. "I don't expect you to treat me like you did before. I know I have a lot of trust to rebuild. You have no idea how much I regret not walking away from Special Projects."

"We all have things in our past that we'd like to forget," said Reed. "I'm the one who launched the torpedoes at that lookout station on the moon of Azati Prime."

"On the Captain's order," said Trip. "And to save Earth."

"We still killed them. In cold blood," said Reed. "What I'm trying to say is that you aren't the only one who has to live with their demons. You need to talk to the Captain."

"Yeah, I know," said Trip. "I'm just not sure that he wants to talk to me."

"Well maybe you should tell him what's going on," said Reed.

"Malcolm, I can't," said Trip. "Colonel Darwin is the only person who has the authority to give out that information. I can't betray him. There's a lot more riding on this than just my friendship with the Captain, or the safety of Enterprise."

"You're not under Colonel Darwin's command any longer," said Reed. "You don't owe him any loyalty. He's the one who turned you into a killer in the first place."

"That's where you're wrong, I owe him my life several times over and one time in particular," said Trip.

"One time in particular?" asked Reed.

"Yeah, let's just say he pulled me out of a really nasty situation," said Trip. "I may not agree with everything that he did but he was always real careful to protect the men under his command. On the first mission I was on, we were split into two teams and his team met a Nausicaan guard patrol. Arroya was badly injured and he wouldn't let anyone else carry her, he did it himself. And he managed to get the rest of the unit back to the Thak Tikh without anyone else getting hurt."

"Thak Tikh?" asked Reed.

"That's what the Andorian ship was called. Means something like Storm Bringer, or Storm Carrier. The Colonel thought it was kind of appropriate so we kept the name," said Trip. "The point I'm making is that wasn't the only occasion he saved one of our lives."

"I understand that you think you owe him something, Trip, but you need to decide where your loyalties lie. You can't protect Enterprise and keep Darwin's secrets."

"I think I can," said Trip.

Reed sighed and shook his head. "I hope you're right. I just have one question," said Reed. "After that first mission, why did you stay on?"

"One reason," said Trip. "The warp four engine. It was a real beauty. At that point we hadn't even reached warp two yet. I knew that if I could work out how it worked, where we'd been going wrong, I could push the warp programme in the right direction without the Vulcans smelling a rat. I was in communication with a lot of the engineers back at the Warp Three complex, or at least I was when we were on Mars Colony. They used to send me stuff about the problems they were encountering and I'd send them back my ideas on how to fix it. Nothing too obvious but enough that when I got back, it was less than two years before we had a working warp three engine and only another eight after that we had Enterprise. Without that Andorian ship, we'd never have got to warp five in less than ten years."

"What happened to the Thak Tikh?" asked Reed.

"It was destroyed," said Trip. No matter what Reed said, Trip wouldn't tell him how.

Trip was surprised when shortly after Malcolm left, Archer arrived at his door. Trip offered him a chair but he declined, preferring to stare out of the window.

"You'll get out there some day," said Archer.

"What?" asked Trip.

"When AG and I were about to take out the NX-Beta, you wanted to come along and I said to you "you'll get out there some day." Except that I didn't need to bother, did I? Because by that point you'd already been out there," said Archer. "Hadn't you?"

"Yes, sir," said Trip, miserably.

"When I met you, I thought that you were aiming for the same thing that I was. That you were an explorer. Someone who wanted to see the universe just as much as I did," said Archer. "I couldn't have been more wrong, could I?"

"You don't understand, sir," said Trip. "I did want to get out there and explore, even more so after what I'd seen."

"You've spent ten years lying to me about who you are, why should I believe anything you say?"

"Because the ten years that I've known you have been the best ten years of my life. The only reason I didn't tell you was because I couldn't. If I'd had my way then you never would have found out, but if I've learnt anything it's that fate has this great curve ball that she throws."

"So you would have kept quiet about your past if Colonel Darwin hadn't come aboard," said Archer.

"Yes, Captain, I would have," said Trip.

"Damn it, Trip, that just makes it worse," said Archer. "How am I ever going to be able to trust you again?"

"Look, I know Colonel Darwin needs me for this mission, but after that my resignation will be on your desk," said Trip, his tone one of someone who had seen this coming for a long time.

"I don't want your resignation, Trip, I want an explanation," said Archer.

"You don't?" asked Trip, not believing what Archer had just said.

"We've been friends a long time. I won't pretend that I'm not disappointed in you or hurt that you never felt you could tell me about this. I won't pretend that I like what Special Projects stands for and I won't pretend that I can just forget about this and move on. Friendships are based on trust and I've just discovered that you aren't who I thought you were. You never have been. But you're still my Chief Engineer and I've never had opportunity to fault your work."

"What are you saying?" asked Trip, his eyes were full of hurt.

"I'm saying that you can keep your job, Trip. At the moment I'm not so sure about our friendship," said Archer.

"Captain, the only reason I kept all this from you was because it was classified. I couldn't tell anyone. If you knew some of the things that I know then you'd have trouble sleeping at nights. I was protecting you," said Trip.

"Were you really?" asked Archer. "Or were you protecting yourself and Colonel Darwin?"

"I won't say that wasn't a factor too, but the less you know the less you can tell. I didn't ever want to put you or any of my friends in a position where they might have to lie for me. It's bad enough that I had to lie without anyone else getting caught up in this," replied Trip.

"Just tell me what this is all about, Trip," said Archer. "What do you and Darwin think is on Deneb IV?"

"You'll have to ask the Colonel, sir," said Trip.

Archer shook his head. "Trip, I'm giving you a chance to make things right between us."

"Please, Captain, don't use our friendship against me," said Trip.

"What about Enterprise and her crew? You're letting them go into this situation blind," said Archer.

"Sir, you just have to trust me when I tell you that neither myself nor Colonel Darwin would intentionally put Enterprise in any danger," said Trip.

"Trust is a commodity that's rather thin on the ground at the moment," said Archer, and with that final remark he walked out of Trip's quarters.

Trip sank down on his chair and put his head in his hands. How could everything have gone so wrong so quickly? Only last week he'd been looking forward to the prospect of studying a new planet, perhaps getting to stretch his legs under an alien sun, maybe camping out with the Captain and Malcolm. A few beers and some poker around the camp fire. That certainly wasn't going to happen any time soon. He'd be lucky if it ever happened again. He'd screwed this up completely, but he wasn't sure what else he could have done.

Archer may not want his resignation but as soon as this was over Trip would be leaving Enterprise.