Behind Blue Eyes

By Thalia Drogna

If I shiver, please give me a blanket,
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat.

– Behind Blue Eyes, The Who

Darwin and Trip sat in Trip's quarters, the jamming device once more on the desk. This time Trip was pretty sure that Malcolm would be attempting to monitor their conversation. Even if Malcolm didn't expect Trip to give up his confidences, he would regard a little spying as fair game. The Captain might even have ordered it with their friendship in tatters as it was.

They had been going through the readings that the ESS Venture had taken in the hope of spotting something new but in Trip's opinion there wasn't anything there to spot. After his earlier argument with the Captain, his mind wasn't exactly on the job either. He found himself between the proverbial rock and hard place. Darwin was one of the finest officers that Trip had ever served with and he trusted him with his life, the two of them had a lot of history that couldn't be ignored. Equally he couldn't think of anyone he respected more than Archer, if anyone deserved his loyalty it was the Captain and he'd proved that many times over.

He had desperately wanted to tell Archer about Faranor and what had happened there, he knew it was the only way to even begin mending their friendship, but he couldn't go against Colonel Darwin's orders. Giving up confidential information was just something that an ex-Special Projects officer didn't do. It worried him that Archer was persistent and he didn't like being kept in the dark, which could lead him into doing something that might get him into trouble.

"Archer isn't going to take no for an answer, you know," said Trip to his former Commanding Officer.

"We don't have any choice, Trip," said Darwin. "If the Vulcans start asking questions then we can't have Archer giving them the answers. And if the Klingons get word of this..."

"I know," said Trip, "I know. It's just that he's been my friend for long time and I hate keeping things from him. He's pretty mad and I guess I've lost his friendship for good."

"I don't have to tell you that this is more important than one friendship. You know what will happen if we can't deal with that ship. Faranor will be nothing compared to Deneb IV," said Darwin.

"At least Deneb IV isn't inhabited," said Trip. Other planets in the system were though.

"Thank Ares for small mercies in war," said Darwin.

"This isn't war," said Trip.

"I thought I taught you better than that. It's always war out here. If it isn't the Klingons then it's space itself," said Darwin.

"Colonel, I'm not Special Projects anymore, that was a long time ago. Enterprise isn't out here to destroy threats, it's here to make allies and explore," said Trip. "The work we're doing out here is the only reason that I can sleep at nights. This is my way of making up for all those lives we took."

"When we stole the Thak Tikh it was to save lives, to stop the Nausicaans from attacking our cargo ships. People were dying. The universe isn't a nice place," said Darwin.

"No one knows that better than the crew of this ship. I'm just saying that maybe we shouldn't be applying Special Projects tactics to a situation which doesn't need them. Earth has warp five capable ships now, we aren't stuck back on Earth worrying about trouble coming to find us," said Trip. "Things are different out here now."

"You lost a third of your crew in the Expanse. Things don't seem to be that different to me," said Darwin.

"The difference is that we signed a peace treaty with the Xindi and worked with them against the real threat. The person who made the difference was Captain Archer," said Trip.

It was still a couple of days until they would reach Deneb IV. Trip hadn't been able to sleep properly since Colonel Darwin had come aboard and it was beginning to effect his work. His relationship with Archer was more frosty than ever. The Captain barely spoke to him if he could help it and Trip was beginning to feel increasingly isolated. So he did what he usually did and threw himself into his work, he couldn't remember the last time he'd left Engineering. What little sleep he had been able to get had been slumped over a work bench. His stomach had long since stopped complaining that it hadn't been given any food for a while.

A small voice told him that this was exactly what he'd done when Lizzie had died and it hadn't helped then. At least he'd always had his friends to help him through that, even if he hadn't always been prepared to acknowledge their help. Ironically it was the loss of that friendship which he now found he couldn't deal with. No one could help him deal with his nightmares this time. As Deneb IV got closer he felt the oppressive weight of his past transgressions baring down on him more and more heavily.

Trip had finally gone to see Phlox. All he wanted was a sleeping pill, but of course the Denobulan wanted to know why. Trip didn't want to tell him all the ins and outs of his argument with Archer or let anyone else in on the secret of his past.

"Commander, if you won't tell me anything, then I can't help you. I refuse to prescribe medication without the full facts," said Phlox. "If you're not sleeping then I suggest you go and see T'Pol and resume your neuropressure sessions."

Trip had been avoiding T'Pol. He knew Archer would probably have given her Malcolm's report on the Special Projects Unit and he just couldn't face her. Neuropressure was out at the moment. He mumbled something by way of an excuse to Phlox and left sickbay.

Phlox watched Trip leave and then went to the comm. "Phlox to Sub-commander T'Pol."

"Yes, doctor," said T'Pol.

"When did you last see Commander Tucker?" asked Phlox.

"I have not seen the Commander for several days. I believe he may be avoiding me," said T'Pol.

"Interesting," said Phlox. "I think he may require your help, T'Pol. Perhaps you could schedule a neuropressure session with him for this evening?"

"If you think it is required," said T'Pol.

"I think it is," replied Phlox. Trip had definitely looked as if he needed someone to talk to.

T'Pol went looking for Trip and was directed to a jeffries tube just off Engineering by one of his staff. She located him easily from the loud cursing emanating from the jeffries tube.

"Commander," she said entering the jeffries tube. Trip was startled and hit his head on the roof of the tube as he sat up a bit too quickly, which elicited another curse.

"T'Pol!" he said in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

T'Pol took in the sight in front of her. Trip looked like he hadn't slept for a week and unusually he had a couple of millimetres of stubble growth on his chin. "The doctor asked me to talk with you."

"He did, huh?" asked Trip. He didn't like where this was going at all, the last thing he wanted was people thinking he couldn't look after himself, especially T'Pol.

"He suggested that you may require further neuropressure. I am off duty and you are meant to be. We could go to my quarters," said T'Pol.

Trip looked at T'Pol trying to gauge how much she knew. "Have you spoken to the Captain?"

"Yes, he appraised me of the situation, including your history with the Special Projects Unit," said T'Pol. She was her usual calm self and Trip wasn't detecting any of the revulsion that he had expected from her.

"What did he tell you about what Special Projects did?" asked Trip.

"He indicated that it was a Unit working on classified missions and that you had received training appropriate to that. This seemed to disturb him," said T'Pol.

"He was talking about combat training, T'Pol," said Trip.

"I assumed so," said T'Pol.

"It doesn't bother you?" asked Trip.

"It is unexpected, however I am familiar with the procedure of secrecy for covert operations. It would have been a break with procedure for you to have told us of your previous assignment," said T'Pol.

"That wasn't what I was talking about," said Trip.

"I understand that your work involved combat and that meant you were forced to take the lives of others," said T'Pol.

"And you're still talking to me?" asked Trip, slightly incredulous.

"Before I was assigned to Enterprise I was an officer of the Vulcan Security Directorate. I was forced to kill a fugitive that I had been chasing," said T'Pol. Her voice was steady but her eyes indicated just how deeply that had effected her. "It was some time before I accepted that there are situations in which I might be required to take life. It was the logical course of action under the circumstances. There are times when the loss of life is unavoidable. It was many years later before I was able to put the incident behind me."

"But you did put it behind you?" asked Trip.

"Yes, I was finally able to," said T'Pol.

"I wish I could," said Trip.

"I do not believe that you would be an ethical human being if you were able to deal with it easily," said T'Pol and paused for a second to see if Trip would respond. When he didn't she added, "We should go and begin our neuropressure session."

"Okay, T'Pol," said Trip with resignation. They climbed out of the jeffries tube. He knew T'Pol was trying to help him but he just didn't think that neuropressure would do the trick this time. The single life that T'Pol had taken didn't compare to the number that Trip had taken. He wasn't sure that she was right about taking life being the only way sometimes either, he had to believe that there were multiple solutions to any problem and killing wasn't one that he was prepared to entertain anymore.

Trip could already feel how tired he was even before they reached T'Pol's quarters. He stripped off the top half of his uniform and tied the arms around his waist. It wasn't exactly the best attire for neuropressure but he didn't want to go and change and take up more of T'Pol's time. She was already doing him a big favour.

T'Pol started the neuropressure, but they didn't get very far. Trip was so tired that he fell asleep on the floor of T'Pol's quarters. T'Pol looked at him, assessing whether to wake him, but he had obviously been very tired. He had never fallen asleep during their sessions before, other things had happened but not this. She went to her cupboard and retrieved a grey Star Fleet general issue blanket and carefully draped it over the quiet form on her floor. She gently repositioned the pillow under his head so that it was in a more comfortable position. He didn't even stir at her ministrations.

Being tired herself, she lay down on her bunk, watching the rise and fall of her unexpected room mate's chest. This was a man of contradictions, so vulnerable looking when he was asleep, with an obviously fragile centre to his being yet a tough exterior that he let few people penetrate. She understood the reason for that now. She had been surprised by the Captain's revelation of Trip's past, but she had already known that there was more to Trip than the easy going front he projected for the world to see.

It was to be expected that the Captain would see this in an emotional way. Where Trip was concerned she didn't expect anything else from her Commanding Officer, the two men had a close relationship and Trip was often the Captain's confidant. However she decided that she must talk to Archer about how his obvious falling out was affecting morale on the ship. The crew genuinely liked Trip and respected their Captain, but they were beginning to pick up on the undercurrent present between them at the moment.

T'Pol fell asleep contemplating if there was anything an unemotional Vulcan could do to smooth the relations between the two humans she felt closest to on Enterprise. She was awakened a few hours later by someone crying out.
Trip was just about getting used to life on the Thak Tikh. He was making new discoveries daily about the Engine which he was currently in charge of and he was even beginning to think that he was fitting in with the MACOs. After their journey home from the Nausicaan raider's outpost he'd been invited to join in their games of poker and had even ended up learning their first names. Something he'd discovered they were particularly loath to tell him. After the first couple of weeks he'd managed to persuade them that he was to be called Trip, he wasn't part of their command chain and it didn't feel right for them to be calling him "sir" when he was the new guy and had the least experience of any of them.

He quickly tuned into the fact that the unit was a very closely knit group of people. Major Darwin would be happy to come and play a couple of hands of poker in his off hours with his men, or share a drink with them. In fact Trip got the impression that he would have been mortally offended if he'd been excluded. Hathaway was no different and had been known to drink some of the male members of the unit under the table. When they were working they worked hard though, no one questioned orders and everyone was professionalism personified.

Trip was training up Rush and Carter to be able to run the engine in an emergency when the new orders came through. Rush was the explosives expert and Carter knew everything there was to know about every conceivable weapon that Trip would think of. They were about the most technical of the MACOs and hence Darwin's suggestion that they be the ones Trip trained up to be his understudies.

The new orders which Darwin had received were for a reconnaissance and recovery mission and this time it was something that they would need their resident engineer for. Some back water planet called Kellaris was building a weapon and Earth wanted an assessment of the threat, if there was one, then the destruction of the weapon and retrieval of its plans. It sounded easy enough, nothing they hadn't done before a half dozen times. Trip had sat the last couple of missions out, not being needed on the ground and much more useful making sure that they could make a quick get away. He was looking forward to being part of the action again and if they did this right no one would get hurt.

They successfully infiltrated the base, Darwin leading from the front but making use of Arroya's expertise as usual. That was one of his strengths, making use of his men but still taking his fair share of the danger. Rush would be planting the explosives while Trip downloaded the schematics. Of course no plan survives contact with the enemy and this one had been no exception.

They had arrived to find that their intelligence had been wrong, it wasn't Dempsey's fault or anyone else's, the maps they had just didn't reflect what was on the ground. The computer that Trip needed wasn't in the same complex as the weapon that they'd been sent to destroy. After a brief consultation with Rush and Carter about the best way to destroy the weapon, he knew they wouldn't be able to get enough from the scans he'd taken to reconstruct the weapon. He had to get to the computer and get the schematics and then delete them from the data banks so it would be a while before the Kellarins could build another one. Arroya and Trip had made the short journey across the compound to the computer complex so that they could download the files.

"I see two guards," said Arroya.

"Check," replied Trip. "Shouldn't be a problem." Trip dealt with one of the guards while Arroya took down the other. After picking a couple of security sealed doors they were in.

"This shouldn't take long," said Trip, putting down his weapon so that he could use both his hands to work on the computer.

"We've got ten minutes before the shift change," said Arroya. "Will that be long enough?" She stood beside him, eyes scanning the shadows for any movement or indication that something might be wrong.

"It'll have to be," said Trip. It only took five minutes to get everything downloaded. Arroya took the lead as they made their way back to the rendezvous area, sneaking around was her area of expertise. Just as they were nearly out an alarm sound. Arroya muttered a curse and suddenly they found themselves facing a contingent of armed guards. Trip somehow ended up pinned down behind some boxes. Arroya was closer to their exit but was hesitating so that she could cover Trip.

"Get out of here!" he shouted to Arroya tossing her the information that he'd collected. Technically he out-ranked her even though he wasn't a MACO and didn't have anything like her training in this sort of situation. "I'll cover you."

She hesitated for a split second before she did what Trip suggested and made for the exit. Trip was out numbered and pinned down but he was also causing a distraction which he hoped would allow Arroya enough time to get out. Once he was sure Arroya had made her escape he did the only thing he could do, attempted to make a run for it. He knew he didn't stand a chance and they captured him easily. He remembered thinking to himself, where there's life, there's hope. He knew that Special Projects wouldn't exactly think of it that way. Standing orders were that if one of the team was captured then the rest of the team should prevent them giving up any information. Trip knew what that meant, one of his team mates would be coming to kill him.

The Kellarins took Trip to a prison camp. It was one of the worst places that he'd ever seen in his entire life. The cells were bare concrete, or whatever the alien equivalent of concrete was, with a bucket for sanitary requirements and a bench for sleeping on. There was no heating just a single blanket and he was given a small jug of water each day. He tried to eat the food that they provided him with but it was far too alien and just made him sick. He could hear shouts and screams of fellow inmates echoing down the hall every so often.

He was left alone in the cell for the first day. He spent the time contemplating his predicament and exercising, he couldn't do much in the small cell but it was enough to keep his mind off things. The second day it became obvious that things were going to get worse. They took him to another room, he referred to it as the interrogation room because that's what they did there. They hooked him up to sort of machine and turned on the power. His whole body was on fire, every nerve singing with unbelievable pain and he screamed.
Suddenly he was awake again. He was disorientated, where was he? Then he identified the fact that he was on Enterprise, not Kellaris, but he still couldn't work out why he was on the floor. As he became more lucid he heard a soft voice telling him that he was safe.

"You are safe, Trip. You are not in any danger. It was simply a bad dream."

T'Pol, Trip realised. It was her floor that he was lying on. He must have fallen asleep during their neuropressure session. Damn.

"Do you understand me? It was only a dream," said T'Pol again.

"I wish it had been," replied Trip.

"I do not understand," said T'Pol.

Trip sighed and related the tale to T'Pol of what had happened. If you woke up screaming on a woman's floor then he guessed that she had a right to know what all the fuss was about. He left out a few of the important details like the when and where.

"Anyway they asked a lot of questions about who I was and why I was there and where I'd come from. They'd never seen any humans before so they were a bit in the dark about even what species I was. I knew that any answer I gave would cause a bundle of trouble for Earth and I was pretty sure that the Colonel would be planning some way to make sure I wouldn't be around to give them any answers anyway. Even though I wouldn't tell them anything, they kept at me for a few days before they gave up and decided that I wasn't worth the effort. They scheduled their equivalent of a firing squad for the next morning."

"You are here, so I assume that the firing squad did not complete their assignment," said T'Pol.

"Yeah, they marched me out to the middle of the compound ready to be executed. I was pretty sick by that point so they needed two guards just to hold me up. Tied my arms above my head to this post that sat there for the occasion and I waited for the inevitable. Except suddenly there's a whole load of shooting and the next thing I know the Colonel's untying me. I don't remember exactly how they got me out of there but I remember waking up in sickbay back on the Thak Tikh and being damn glad to be alive. Took me a week to recover but I made it.

He didn't have to come back for me. His orders were to make sure that I didn't give up any information and if that meant killing me then so be it. As my jailers were about to do that for him he could have just abandoned me there but he didn't. He risked his own life to come back and get me. That wasn't the only time that he saved my life either."

"He seems to be a commanding officer of great merit," said T'Pol.

"Yes, he is," said Trip. He glanced over at the chronometer on T'Pol's desk. "Damn, I'm sorry T'Pol it's two in the morning, you should have kicked me out when I fell asleep on your floor."

"You appeared to need the sleep. Unfortunately we were unable to conclude out neuropressure treatment so your sleep was disturbed," said T'Pol.

"I'll go to my quarters and let you get back to sleep," said Trip.

"There is no need," replied T'Pol. "We have shared a bed before. I believe we are both sufficiently tired that we will be able to sleep."

Trip thought about protesting but he was very tired and the floor was quite hard and it seemed like his quarters were an awful long way away. He fidgeted with the blanket that T'Pol had placed over him before he looked up at her. "Erm, okay, if you're sure," he said.

"I would not have suggested it if I was not," replied T'Pol and went back to her bed and lay down, holding the covers for Trip to join her. Trip moved to the bed sleepily and lay down with his back to T'Pol. He jumped slightly as he felt soft fingers pressing gently on pressure points up and down his spine, but then relaxed.

"This will help you to sleep through the rest of the night," said T'Pol softly.

Trip's eyes were unbelievably heavy and he soon found himself drifting into a dreamless sleep.
Deneb IV. Just over a day away now and Archer was still no wiser as to why they were going there. At least now it was within sensor range and they could begin to collect information.

"Captain, I have something on long range sensors," said Reed.

"What is it, Mr Reed?" he asked already dreading the answer.

"It looks like a Klingon ship, possibly a battle cruiser," said Reed. "They're on course for Deneb IV."