Behind Blue Eyes

By Thalia Drogna

AN: Luckily Hawking's recent changes to his theory on black holes doesn't effect the physics that I'm using here. Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, you're the people I write for and your opinions matter to me.

"Commander," said T'Pol, sitting at a console in the command centre, "according to your calculations, the alien generator was capable of producing a terawatt of power."

"That's right, about the equivalent of a hundred fusion power stations," said Trip. "I can work it through for you again, if you like." Keeping busy was the only way that he had of dealing with everything that was going on at the moment, he was certain that if he even stopped for a moment then he'd realise what a horrible situation he was in and break down. They didn't have time for him to indulge his emotions right now.

"That will not be necessary. I have already checked your calculations."

"Then what's the problem?" asked Trip.

"That indicates that the singularity was 10 to the minus 21 metres across," said T'Pol.

"About a millionth the size of a proton. So?" said Trip.

"It is further evidence of the existence of micro singularities," said T'Pol.

"Yeah, a hole that size weights about 100000 tonnes. Amazing, isn't it?" said Trip.

"It is simply a scientific fact, Commander," replied T'Pol. "However, it is an energy source of some potential and I have a number of questions as to how it was achieved. I am particularly interested in the containment field and how it was able to neutralise the gravitational effect. Not only that, I would like to discover how they were able to capture the black hole in the first place."

"The Builders had some pretty advanced stuff on Faranor," said Trip. "I'd say that capturing a black hole was fairly easy for them."

"It certainly seems as if that is indeed the case," replied T'Pol. "We must find a way to disable the generator."

Trip put a padd down in front of T'Pol. "I've been working on it," he said. "It's taken me a few years but I think I've worked it out."

"You have been working on it?" asked T'Pol.

"Well you didn't think that I'd have the specs for a piece of technology like that and not work out how it ticked? I've spent the past ten years trying to figure it out from the scans we took down on Faranor. Kind of like my way of repaying my debts," said Trip. "I was hoping that if I could figure out some way that I could use the technology then at least some good would have come out of the Faranor incident."

"That is an extremely human response," said T'Pol. "You cannot change the past."

"I'm not trying to change the past, T'Pol. Just atone for it," said Trip.

"The Colonel was correct. It was not your fault that the Klingons destroyed the containment unit," said T'Pol.

"It might as well have been," replied Trip. "If we hadn't been there then the Klingons might never have even come to that planet. They were looking for Andorians and detected our ship. If we hadn't had that ship there, then they would never have detected those readings and come looking. Antonia would still be alive and Faranor would never have been destroyed."

"You do not know that. We have a lot of work to do, I suggest that we concentrate on that," said T'Pol.

Trip and T'Pol had been working at the problem for hours. She looked over at Trip. He was standing looking at a screen and she noticed him put a hand to his head and close his eyes for a second as if he was having trouble concentrating.

"When did you last eat?" asked T'Pol. She knew that neither of them had been to breakfast because they had been called to the bridge and it was now well past lunch time. Vulcans could go for days without food but she knew that humans could not without some ill effects.

"Erm...I can't remember, a while ago I guess," said Trip.

"It is unwise not to take in nourishment on a regular basis. We should stop and eat before we continue our research," said T'Pol.

"I'm fine, T'Pol, you get something," said Trip. "I need to finish this."

"I can get Phlox to order you if required," said T'Pol.

Trip looked as if he might argue then nodded his head. It was late for lunch so the mess hall was mostly empty. Being late also meant that the selection of food was considerably less than usual but they both found something that they were happy with and sat down at a table near the windows.

"You don't have to look after me, you know. I can take care of myself," said Trip.

"That statement is obviously false, Commander. If I had not insisted that you eat then you would still be working," said T'Pol.

"There's been a lot going on," said Trip.

"Have you spoken with the Captain?" asked T'Pol.

"Just this morning, you were there too," said Trip, deliberately misunderstanding what T'Pol had said.

"I did not mean on ship's business," clarified T'Pol. "It is obvious that your relationship with Captain Archer has suffered due to Colonel Darwin's presence on board Enterprise."

"I don't think we even have a relationship anymore, T'Pol," said Trip. "And I can't blame him for being angry at me. I lied and kept things from him, even though he's supposed to be my best friend. I don't know if we'll be able to work this one through."

"It is beginning to effect crew morale," said T'Pol.

Trip looked at T'Pol, slightly bemused. "Morale? I thought you didn't take notice of human stuff like that," he said.

"On the contrary, as First Officer of this ship it is my duty to ensure its efficient running and on a ship crewed by humans that means taking emotional concerns into account," said T'Pol.

Trip wondered if there was more to what T'Pol had said than that but he let it go. "Why would the crew worry about my friendship with Captain Archer. If most of them knew why we've fallen out then they'd probably stop speaking to me as well."

"I do not believe that you have fully understood the dynamic of Enterprise," said T'Pol. "The crew respect both you and the Captain greatly. Your friendship has been a constant for them. It disturbs them when they see two of the senior officers having a disagreement of this nature, especially when they don't understand why."

"Well it's none of their business," said Trip, a slight touch of anger entering his voice.

"It may not be their business, but it does effect them," said T'Pol.

"Yeah, well once this is all over, I won't be bothering them anymore," said Trip.

"If you are speaking about tendering your resignation and leaving Enterprise then I think that would be a mistake," said T'Pol.

"If the Captain and I are at odds all the time then I can't stay," said Trip. "It's just too hard, T'Pol, and it's no way to run a ship. He needs a Chief Engineer who he can trust and at the moment he doesn't think that he can trust me."

"Perhaps you should postpone that decision until after we have completed this mission," said T'Pol.

"What difference will that make?" asked Trip.

"I have noticed that time can be very important in healing emotional rifts," said T'Pol.

"I don't think it's going to work with me an' the Captain," said Trip. "It's just too big to get over."

"What about the other members of the crew? You will be missed by them too," said T'Pol. She wanted to add that she would miss him, but somehow she couldn't bring herself to say the words. It was not appropriate for a Vulcan to be saying such a thing to human, even if she did mean it.

"It doesn't matter if anyone else wants me to stay, a ship's crew is built around its Captain and if we're having problems then I can't stay. I know he'd never say outright that he wants my resignation. As he said, he can't fault my work, but on a personal level, I need to leave."

This was tearing him apart inside. He'd hidden it for so long, trying to forget everything and now it had all come to the surface, he had to think about everything that he'd done. He didn't think anyone understood just how difficult it was to deal with, how hard it had been for him to lie to his friends.

"If you still feel this way after we have completed our mission on Deneb IV then I will support your decision, however I am of the opinion that you should wait," said T'Pol.

"Okay, T'Pol. Just for you, I'll wait and make my mind up after we're done on Deneb IV but I can't see that it will make much difference to what the Captain thinks of me," replied Trip. He decided that he didn't like this conversation anymore and changed the subject. "How long do you figure that ship has been on Deneb IV?"

"It is impossible to discern at this distance from the scans that we have available," said T'Pol. "However, given the pattern of vegetation around the craft I would say that it has been there for some considerable amount of time."

Trip nodded. They continued eating in silence. Trip would liked to have started a conversation but somehow talking about last week's movie night didn't seem to be appropriate given the circumstances. He was actually relieved when they returned to the Command Centre to continue their work on the scans which Trip had taken from Faranor.
Lieutenant Reed had just finished his shift and had decided to head for the gym. He had been spending a considerable amount of time there lately with Trip but they had postponed their latest session as Trip needed the time to work on the scans from Deneb IV. When the four officers had emerged from the Captain's ready room he had noticed a change in all of them and he was still wondering what had occurred behind that closed door. The Captain had passed him the schematics of what Special Projects had found on Faranor with orders not to divulge its contents to anyone. He was intrigued by the possibility of using a black hole as a weapon but had been able to discern very little about it's workings. He had decided to have another look this evening at the schematics, but he knew that his engineering ability wasn't up to Trip's level, and if Trip couldn't work out how it ticked then he had no chance. Even if it was a weapon, his area of speciality.

He walked into the gym to see Colonel Darwin and Travis sparring on the mats. Darwin was easily getting the better of Travis. Reed recognised some of the moves that Trip had used in the Colonel's technique, there was no doubt in his mind who had taught Trip to kill. Reed also noticed how the Colonel held himself back, much like Trip had done. He wasn't at all sure that he liked a man who could and had killed with his bare hands sparring with Travis, who although pretty proficient himself wouldn't be up to Darwin's standards. Reed was finding that he had to be very careful which of Trip's buttons he pressed now that they had started their new training regime.

Darwin knocked Travis onto the mat once more and noticed Reed watching them.

"Lieutenant," said Darwin by way of greeting. "Can I help you?"

"I was just interested in your technique," said Reed. "I don't think I've ever seen that move before. I'm pretty sure that it isn't part of the standard MACO training."

"You're right Lieutenant, it isn't a standard part of MACO training. It's a Nausicaan move," said Darwin.

"Perhaps you'd care to show me when you have some spare time," said Reed.

"If Ensign Mayweather doesn't mind, I'd be happy to show you now," said Darwin.

"Actually, I should really get going, I'm meeting Anna and Hoshi for dinner," said Travis. "They hate it if I'm late and they hate it even more if I haven't showered." He grinned broadly and grabbed his towel. "Night Colonel, Lieutenant."

"Night Travis," said Reed. He strapped on the required protection for his hands and stepped on to the mat. If this went anything like his first encounter with the "real" Trip then he'd be spending most of his time on his back on the mat. "So where do you want to start?"

"Why don't you show me what you can do, Lieutenant," said Darwin.

Reed was beginning to get a sense of déjà vu, it was only a few days ago that he'd said something similar to Trip. He threw his first punch aiming to connect with Darwin's chin. The Colonel blocked of course and the two men went into a series of practised move and countermoves. Neither of them had trouble holding their own.

"I get the impression that you don't like me very much, Lieutenant," said Darwin.

"Why do you say that, Colonel?" asked Reed, aiming a sweeping kick at the Colonel's legs. Darwin moved out of range just in time to avoid the move taking his legs out from under him. It was true of course, the Colonel was exactly the type of military man that Reed had no time for. He only saw the mission and not the bigger picture. He saw how to get things done and not why they had to be done, exactly the kind of person who was needed in Special Projects, but Reed worried that his attitude would get them all killed.

"You don't like secrets, or anyone knowing more about a situation than you do," said Darwin.

"I don't like anyone putting Enterprise in danger," said Reed. "It's my job to keep everyone on this ship safe."

"I haven't placed Enterprise in any danger," said Darwin.

"I beg to differ, sir," said Reed, spitting out the word "sir" as if it were an insult.

"Trip would be equally at fault if that were the case," said Darwin.

"Trip was following your orders," said Reed. "You could have divulged the information at any time and not placed him in the position that you did. You're reckless, Colonel and you don't seem to have much regard for the men under your command."

"That is where you're wrong, Lieutenant, I never left a man behind that I could save," said Darwin.

"But you let Trip get captured and tortured," said Reed. Darwin gave him a look which indicated his surprise at the Lieutenant's knowledge. "Trip told T'Pol and she passed the information on to me. She thought I should know."

"We were a covert military unit, Lieutenant, not a Sunday school class. What we did was dangerous work," said Darwin. "A week in sick bay was a small price to pay for what we picked up on that mission. Your phase cannons are based on that design."

Darwin remembered what Trip had looked like when he'd pulled him out of the Kellarin prison camp. Trip had barely been conscious when they found him and had passed out completely when they reached the Thak Tikh shuttle. When Kanatova had got her hands on him, she'd spent the first couple of days flushing toxins out of his system and tending to the severe burns that she'd found all over his body. Kanatova was a good doctor and by the end of the week Trip was well enough to leave sick bay, but it took a lot longer than that before Trip was back on full duty. Darwin had cursed the fact that it was Trip who had been captured, he wasn't a MACO and was by far their youngest member.

Of course what Darwin had never told Trip was that they had destroyed the prison camp before they left. He never asked Trip if he'd given up any information, it didn't matter to him because any information which Trip had given up had been destroyed in the explosion that they had set off. Darwin saw it as his mistake and his alone, so he had been the one to rescue Trip and he had been the one to plant the explosives. The one thing he never expected anyone else to do was pay for his mistakes and Trip had come very close to doing that.

Reed took advantage of Darwin's momentary lapse of concentration to finally land a punch. However he didn't have time to enjoy his victory as Darwin took that moment to demonstrate the Nausicaan move which Reed had seen him use before. He had Reed on the floor before the Armoury officer knew what had happened.

"I'd rather Trip hadn't been hurt than have the phase cannons," said Reed.

"And how many other people would have died if it hadn't been for those phase cannons?" said Darwin, reaching down a hand to help Reed up.

"The end doesn't always justify the means, Colonel," said a voice from the doorway. Reed and Darwin turned around to see Captain Archer standing watching them. "I think I know that better than anyone."

"That's my workout completed for today," said Darwin, he collected his towel and water bottle and made for the exit.

Archer put a hand on the Colonel's shoulder as he was about to leave. "Trip may not realise what you are, but I do," said Archer, quietly. "I'm going to be watching you very closely when we're on Deneb IV tomorrow."

"I'm not the one you should be watching, Captain," replied Darwin.
It was late when Trip and T'Pol finally gave up and decided that they needed sleep before they could continue with their research.

"Will you be able to sleep?" asked T'Pol as they made their way towards B deck and their quarters.

"I'll be fine," said Trip. "Don't want to fall asleep on your floor again."

"It was not a problem," replied T'Pol.

"All the same, I think I'd better go back to my own bed tonight," said Trip.

"As you wish," replied T'Pol. If Trip didn't know better then he almost would have thought that she sounded slightly disappointed.

"G'night T'Pol," said Trip. He wearily thumbed the door opener and went into his quarters. He got undressed and fell into bed, so tired that his head barely touched the pillow before he was asleep.

He dreamed about Faranor. Vast deserts stretching away for miles into the distance around the sand coloured buildings. A cold wind stirred up the sand, blowing it in waves across the dunes. He stood looking away from the city and saw a group of Faranoans approaching him. They wore long cloaks and their faces were covered by the hoods of their robes.

"Welcome back to Faranor," said the lead figure in the group.

"Erm, this isn't Faranor. Faranor was destroyed," said Trip. "This is just a dream."

"We were there, we remember," said the Faranoan.

"I know," said Trip. "Believe me, I know."

"The Builders have a message for you," said the Faranoan.

"They do, huh?" asked Trip, not really believing where his unconscious mind had decided to take him tonight.

"You should not go to Deneb IV," said the Faranoan.

"Really? Why not?"

"Because it will place you in danger," said the Faranoan. "The Builders still watch over their property. They are very powerful. The Guardians will protect Deneb IV."

"Deneb IV is uninhabited, there is no one to protect what's down there," said Trip.

"That's where you're wrong, Trip," said another voice that he recognised. The crowd of Faranoans parted and revealed a smaller figure behind them. She threw back her hood.

"Antonia," whispered Trip.

"The Guardians protect Deneb IV just as they protected Faranor," said Antonia.

"Faranor is gone," said Trip, a dark sadness entering his voice. "And you died there."

"You can't go to Deneb IV. It's too dangerous for you and Enterprise. Go home, Trip. Before you get hurt," said Antonia and she turned and looked out into the desert. Trip followed her gaze. Suddenly the dunes of the desert were full of Faranoans and they all stood silently looking at him, only the glint of their eyes visible under their hooded cloaks. They stared at him and he could feel their accusation boring into him. He was the one who had killed them.

Antonia pointed towards the distance. Far away a sandstorm was coming and it was in the shape of a Klingon battleship.

"Run!" shouted Trip, but no one moved or even seemed to hear him.

It swept towards them, rolling across the lines of the multitude of Faranoans and engulfing the small group who stood in front of Trip. Finally the storm rolled over Antonia, even as she pointed towards its approach. As it was about to swallow Trip as well, he jerked himself awake. He awoke sweating and breathing hard. He threw off the covers and made for the bathroom. He ran the cold tap and splashed water on his face.

"Just a dream," he said, shakily to himself. "Just a dream."

He filled a glass with water and was about to drink it when he looked up at the mirror. He saw his own reflection in the mirror but standing behind him was Antonia. Her dark eyes stared into his blue ones. He dropped the glass he was holding and turned around but there was no one behind him. It was only as he turned back to the mirror that he realised that he had cut himself on the glass he'd been holding. Blood mixed with the water in the sink and he stood rooted to the spot unable to move, staring into the mirror where half a second ago a ghost had appeared.