Chapter 1 - Confessions
Let me first confess some things about myself, there was a time in my life when I was on the side of darkness, yes, I have been a Death Eater and did horrible things for my Dark Lord, but I came to my senses early enough, for which I am eternally grateful.
I told Albus Dumbledore, one of the most powerful and best wizards of this century, everything and became a member of his now famous 'Order of the Phoenix'. I also began to teach Potions at Hogwarts school for witchcraft and wizardry, where Albus was headmaster at the time. I sought redemption for the bad deeds I've done by being a spy for the side of light.
The Death Eaters, my former fellows, still trusted me and what was more important I had still the trust of the Dark Lord, he thought I was spying for him and I did everything to encourage that thought further without giving him any informations, that were of real importance.
These years were quite exhausting, between teaching, spying and beguiling the Dark Lord and his followers, my life was very complicated.
It were years of solitude, because anyone near me would find out too much and could be used against me. I didn't allow myself to become too attached to anyone, let my appearance become unkempt and greasy and always hid behind a mask of anger and sarcasm, my trademark scowl, so no one would want to get near me, or would be foolish enough to fall in love with me.
Then the impossible happened, the Dark Lord attacked the Potters, Harry Potter, not much more than an infant, survived the killing curse and Voldemort was defeated by the backslash of it, at that time we thought the Dark Lord was gone for good, but we were to learn better than that too soon.
Lily and James Potter were dead, having given their live to defend their son. When I heard of it, I cried for the first time in many years, only in my private chambers of course, because Severus Snape was supposed to have a heart made of stone and I didn't know then, how I should survive without the mask I wore for the world.
I had worn it for so long, that I didn't know anymore who the person behind it was, if there still were some traces left of the man I had been before. The mask gave me a safety I hadn't had before and I was afraid to let it slip.
You see, between James Potter and me there was never more than a deep hatred and loathing for each other. In school we wanted nothing more as to make each other's life hell, so I was not overly sad about his death, but Lily Potter formerly Evans was something utterly different.
I had been in love with her for most of my school time, even asked her out a few times. She was a muggle born, of course and I was from an old pureblood family, but that didn't matter to me at that time.
I was not a Death Eater yet and my family was nothing I was proud of, they treated me at best with indifference, at worst with beatings. I especially hated my father and cried no tear for him as he died, but that is a different story and does not belong here, maybe I will write about my childhood and the famous Snape Family at someplace else.
Where was I?
Ah, Lily Evans, she was a very beautiful girl with long auburn hair and those eyes, their unusual shade of the purest emerald green was what drew me first to her, but looks, like gender, have never really mattered to me.
She was also kind and caring, she would never call me Snivellus, or make jokes about me like many of my fellow students did, because I'd rather indulge in my schoolwork, than in Quidditch or breaking rules and because I was a Slytherin.
She even defended me against Potter and Black when they had crossed a line with one of their jokes.
I may sound like a lovesick puppy but I think I was one then.
I would lay awake at night and think about her, as I got older and became more aware of my body and everything concerning sex, I started to fantasize about her, about making love to her.
In my fantasies I would undress her and explore every inch of her body with my hands and tongue until she was moaning and arching into my touch, as desperate for more as myself. I wondered how her breasts would feel when they were crushed against my chest. If that auburn hair would feel like silk when it was splayed over my face, if her kiss-swollen lips would be soft and pliant under mine. I imagined how it would feel to be inside her, our bodies moving in a rhythm as old as humanity itself, until we would find release together.
Of course, my fantasies never came true, all we ever shared was one kiss, I still remember it like it was yesterday and not over 50 years ago. We had gone to Hogsmeade together, on our way back we made a halt at the edge of the forbidden forest, we talked, she laughed at a joke I made and suddenly our faces were only separated by mere inches. Then we kissed, tentatively at first, almost chaste just lip on lip, her lips were pink and felt silky against mine. Eventually the kiss deepened, our tongues coming out to find each others, she tasted like the Honeydukes sweets we bought, a taste I will always associate with her.
I was truly happy then, maybe for the first time in my life. It was our only kiss, soon after she began to go out with James Potter, my heart was broken when I found out. I thought I wouldn't survive this pain, seeing her with my worst enemy.
She never told me the reason why she had chosen him over me. I can only assume that she would have been embarrassed if she had to admit to her popular friends that she was not only friends with, but the girlfriend of ugly Snivellus. In comparison being Potter's girlfriend had been something to be proud of and had gotten her admiring and jealous gazes from the other girls.
She still talked to me and wanted us to remain friends but I could not stand to be near her. If I weren't so foolish then, I could have had at least that part of her.
And then she died. I never forgave myself for not warning them sooner, but I had only found out myself shortly before the attack. I swore to make it up to her by protecting her son. I made the vow on her grave, slicing my palm with a ritual dagger and letting my hearts blood drop on the earth she rested in, while I spoke the words of an ancient charm, to seal my oath to her...
Let me first confess some things about myself, there was a time in my life when I was on the side of darkness, yes, I have been a Death Eater and did horrible things for my Dark Lord, but I came to my senses early enough, for which I am eternally grateful.
I told Albus Dumbledore, one of the most powerful and best wizards of this century, everything and became a member of his now famous 'Order of the Phoenix'. I also began to teach Potions at Hogwarts school for witchcraft and wizardry, where Albus was headmaster at the time. I sought redemption for the bad deeds I've done by being a spy for the side of light.
The Death Eaters, my former fellows, still trusted me and what was more important I had still the trust of the Dark Lord, he thought I was spying for him and I did everything to encourage that thought further without giving him any informations, that were of real importance.
These years were quite exhausting, between teaching, spying and beguiling the Dark Lord and his followers, my life was very complicated.
It were years of solitude, because anyone near me would find out too much and could be used against me. I didn't allow myself to become too attached to anyone, let my appearance become unkempt and greasy and always hid behind a mask of anger and sarcasm, my trademark scowl, so no one would want to get near me, or would be foolish enough to fall in love with me.
Then the impossible happened, the Dark Lord attacked the Potters, Harry Potter, not much more than an infant, survived the killing curse and Voldemort was defeated by the backslash of it, at that time we thought the Dark Lord was gone for good, but we were to learn better than that too soon.
Lily and James Potter were dead, having given their live to defend their son. When I heard of it, I cried for the first time in many years, only in my private chambers of course, because Severus Snape was supposed to have a heart made of stone and I didn't know then, how I should survive without the mask I wore for the world.
I had worn it for so long, that I didn't know anymore who the person behind it was, if there still were some traces left of the man I had been before. The mask gave me a safety I hadn't had before and I was afraid to let it slip.
You see, between James Potter and me there was never more than a deep hatred and loathing for each other. In school we wanted nothing more as to make each other's life hell, so I was not overly sad about his death, but Lily Potter formerly Evans was something utterly different.
I had been in love with her for most of my school time, even asked her out a few times. She was a muggle born, of course and I was from an old pureblood family, but that didn't matter to me at that time.
I was not a Death Eater yet and my family was nothing I was proud of, they treated me at best with indifference, at worst with beatings. I especially hated my father and cried no tear for him as he died, but that is a different story and does not belong here, maybe I will write about my childhood and the famous Snape Family at someplace else.
Where was I?
Ah, Lily Evans, she was a very beautiful girl with long auburn hair and those eyes, their unusual shade of the purest emerald green was what drew me first to her, but looks, like gender, have never really mattered to me.
She was also kind and caring, she would never call me Snivellus, or make jokes about me like many of my fellow students did, because I'd rather indulge in my schoolwork, than in Quidditch or breaking rules and because I was a Slytherin.
She even defended me against Potter and Black when they had crossed a line with one of their jokes.
I may sound like a lovesick puppy but I think I was one then.
I would lay awake at night and think about her, as I got older and became more aware of my body and everything concerning sex, I started to fantasize about her, about making love to her.
In my fantasies I would undress her and explore every inch of her body with my hands and tongue until she was moaning and arching into my touch, as desperate for more as myself. I wondered how her breasts would feel when they were crushed against my chest. If that auburn hair would feel like silk when it was splayed over my face, if her kiss-swollen lips would be soft and pliant under mine. I imagined how it would feel to be inside her, our bodies moving in a rhythm as old as humanity itself, until we would find release together.
Of course, my fantasies never came true, all we ever shared was one kiss, I still remember it like it was yesterday and not over 50 years ago. We had gone to Hogsmeade together, on our way back we made a halt at the edge of the forbidden forest, we talked, she laughed at a joke I made and suddenly our faces were only separated by mere inches. Then we kissed, tentatively at first, almost chaste just lip on lip, her lips were pink and felt silky against mine. Eventually the kiss deepened, our tongues coming out to find each others, she tasted like the Honeydukes sweets we bought, a taste I will always associate with her.
I was truly happy then, maybe for the first time in my life. It was our only kiss, soon after she began to go out with James Potter, my heart was broken when I found out. I thought I wouldn't survive this pain, seeing her with my worst enemy.
She never told me the reason why she had chosen him over me. I can only assume that she would have been embarrassed if she had to admit to her popular friends that she was not only friends with, but the girlfriend of ugly Snivellus. In comparison being Potter's girlfriend had been something to be proud of and had gotten her admiring and jealous gazes from the other girls.
She still talked to me and wanted us to remain friends but I could not stand to be near her. If I weren't so foolish then, I could have had at least that part of her.
And then she died. I never forgave myself for not warning them sooner, but I had only found out myself shortly before the attack. I swore to make it up to her by protecting her son. I made the vow on her grave, slicing my palm with a ritual dagger and letting my hearts blood drop on the earth she rested in, while I spoke the words of an ancient charm, to seal my oath to her...