Loiosh's Revenge

"Shut up, Loiosh!" Vlad's voice rang in his ears. Loiosh had heard those hated words once too often. Now, however, things would change... MUAHAHAHAHA!

Loiosh plotted...

Before doing anything drastic, Loiosh decided to ask Rocza for advice.

"Rocza?"

"Yeeeeeees?"

"Do you think I should make Vlad PAY for his insensitive comments?"

"Um... Aren't you supposed to be his familiar?"

"He's so mean to me! And I'm so sensitive!"

"I know you are, dear. Now take a tranquilizer."

"Eep eep! Do you think I'm going............. MAD???"

" Um... of course not. Now how about those tranquilizers?"

"No! I think clearerer without them! Muahahaha!"

"Oh."

...

"Vlaaaaaaaaaaaad?"

"Yes, Loiosh?"

"Do you ever think that you only notice the bad things I do and never notice the good things I do?"

"No, Loiosh, I think I notice everything you do. Why?"

"That's what I thought, boss. So, so sad. ....... Meheheheheheh............."

"..... Are you feeling all right, Loiosh?"

"Just... just fine, boss... Heheheh..."

"If you're sure, Loiosh."

"Oh, I am!" With that, Loiosh attempted to fly out of the room, but hit the wall instead. "Hehe... I'm just dandy..... yes indeed..."

. . .

Then Loiosh attempted to embroil Morrolan in his plot. He flew all the way to Castle Black on a tube of anchovy paste.

"What is it, Loiosh? Did something happen to Vlad?"

Loiosh seethed as he prepared to answer, but Morrolan called, "Aliera! Vlad's fallen down the well!"

This almost sent Loiosh into an attack rage, but he controlled himself as Aliera entered the room.

"So, Morrolan, I see Loiosh has been watching too many Lassie reruns."

Loiosh glared at her.

"We don't have TVs on Dragaera, Aliera," Morrolan reminded her.

"Oh, yeah. I was forgetting for a second there."

"ANYWAY," Loiosh said irritably, "as I was about to say, how would the two of you care to help me to overthrow the shackles of tyrrannical domination?"

"Well," said Aliera. "Um... have you been hanging out with Cawti lately?"

"NO!" Loiosh snapped.

"Well," said Morrolan, "as aristocrats, we don't believe in overthrowing the shackles of tyrrannical domination."

"Except when it helps increase our personal wealth and power," Aliera added.

"Right."

"But Vlad is oppressing me!"

"Sorry, Loiosh," said Aliera, "but I just can't picture myself helping a winged lizard overthrow his Easterner."

"Besides, I rather like Vlad," said Morrolan. Aliera gave him a weird look. "Whaaaat?"

"I am sorry for intruding on your valuble time," Loiosh said coldly. "I'll just be going now." And so he flew back to nassty Adrilankha, or however you spell it.

. . .

Loiosh decided he would simply have to work by himself. Vlad needed punishment, and Loiosh needed revenge. It was as simple as a sledgehammer. He began work on his diabolical plot.

Vlad awoke blearily, and stared in confused incomprehension at the foreign object lying on his pillow. He blinked as his eyes adjusted and he recognized it.

"LOIOSH!"

Drat, Loiosh thought to himself. Am I really so transparent?

"Loiosh, what the hell is this thing on my pillow?"

"Goodness me, boss, I haven't the slightest idea."

"It looks to me like a dead teckla. Tell me, Loiosh, what would a dead teckla be doing on my pillow?"

Loiosh snickered at the possibilties inherent in reply, but decided to keep up the innocent front. "Perhaps you misplaced it there, boss. These things do happen."

Vlad's mind-voice went steely. "Loiosh, why did you put a dead teckla on my pillow?"

"I TOLD YOU I WOULD! BUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME! NOBODY EVER LIstens to poor, neglected Loiosh...." Loiosh trailed off into sniffles and fled the room.

Vlad stared after him in concern, muttered, "Wasn't he getting some kind of medication from Rocza...?", threw the dead teckla away, and went back to bed.

. . .

Unable to find Rocza, Loiosh perched on the roof outside and paced across it.

Sure, he figured me out this time, Loiosh thought hysterically, but it was just step one! Yes, my diabolical plot stretches far beyond the reaches of mere mortals' minds! My revenge shall be complete and absolute, and the mortals shall quake with unease! Ow... my head hurts... Rocza? Do you have those meds still? Weaving slightly, Loiosh flew off in search of his mate.

A few days later, the tranquilizer had worn off, and Loiosh grimly furthered his plot for revenge.

Kragar looked up as Loiosh flew in, then looked behind him. "Where's Vlad, Loiosh?"

Loiosh's reptilian eyes narrowed. "El Mustachio couldn't make it. I need some information."

"Huh? Kragar confused."

Loiosh sighed. Stupid plebes. "All right, genius, I'll put it in terms you can understand. Vlad. Is. Not. Here. I. Need. Infor. Mation. Now. You. Stupid. Plebe-head."

Kragar raised his eyebrow. "You seem upset, Loiosh. Is Vlad in a funk today?"

Loiosh seethed and twitched inside, but continued coldly to Kragar, "Who is the best free-lance assasin you know? And leave out the loyalty; Mustachio ain't worth it."

"Hmm." Kragar looked puzzled, but compliant. "Uh... guy named Hrangular. Tall, doesn't know how to blow his nose, kinda ugly... his office is across town on Quesadilla Street."

"Is that Eastern?"

"Sounds like it, huh? It's not in the Eastern Quarter, though. Fun to pronounce."

Disgusted, Loiosh flew away. Plebe dork.

. . .

He flew up to the window of the aforementioned building and peered in. There was boring assasin work going on inside. Not actual assasin work; that would have been more interesting.

Loiosh waited until someone opened the door, and quickly flew in. The guy who'd opened it screamed and ran away. Loiosh made his way to the back, where it was logical to assume Hrangular was. All the staff were shocked at first, and then started throwing sharp pointy things at him. If Loiosh wasn't so set on his goal, it is probable that he would have stopped and examined all the shiny ones very closely. As it was, he flew past, dogding the occasional poison dart, into Hrangular's office.

The guy quite matched Kragar's description: he was slighty more than eight feet tall, had squinty eyes and a big bulbous nose out of which was hanging a conspicuous yellow mucus-wad. Loiosh concealed his disgust and "said," "Hrangular, huh?"

Hrangular narrowed his squinty eyes further and said, "You're that Easterner guy's pet lizard! What does he want me for? I thought he did 'work' himself."

"P...pet LIZARD?" Loisoh's eyes bugged out and he started hyperventilating. "HOW DARE YOU!" Loiosh launched himself at the Dragaeran, fangs and claws on full power.

"Eyaaaaaaaaah!" screamed Hrangular. Two of his enforcers threw themselves between their boss and the enraged jhereg; the other two fled the room screaming.

Biting and scratching, Loiosh brutally attcked the two defenders. When they were both flat on the floor, Loiosh got ahold of himself.
"Where am I? And why are my fangs and claws all bloody?"

Then he saw the two unconscious muscles and realized what happened. Loiosh looked up; Hrangular was sobbing fearfully in a corner of the room.

"Terribly sorry about that," Loiosh said, trying to appear sincere. "Ah... care to hear a proposition?"

Hrangular continued shaking.

And another one goes on my PTSD victim list, Loiosh thought sadly, flying put of the building. I didn't have any money to pay him with anyway.

. . .

"Wnere've you been, Loiosh?" Vlad asked as Loiosh floated back in the house. For answer, Loiosh sent Vlad a picture of him kissing Loiosh's scaly backside.

"What's with this attitude lately? You've been really uptight all week, Loiosh."

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO ANYTHING!" Loiosh flew into Vlad's room and attempted to slam the door, but he still didn't have opposable thumbs.

. . .

The next day, Loiosh decided to try a different approach. He called to Rozca.

"What is it now?"

"Rozca, I need your help. Subtlety has failed; we have to brutally maim Vlad."

"Hm.... I don't know... can we eat him afterwards?"

"Sure, knock yourself out."

. . .

Vlad walked out of the office after a hard day watching things run themselves. He was worried; Loiosh had been acting really strange, then all of a sudden he and Rocza just flew off. Loiosh had blocked their link. I worry too much, Vlad told himself. They've probably just gone off to build a nest or something.

He started into the alley on the way to his house, when two winged shapes flew down at him. He barely had time to duck, and had pulled out a knife before recognizing Loiosh.

"What is it, chum?" But Loiosh was still not recieving; nor had he ceased his attack.

"What's going on?" Vlad yelled, now terrified, as Loiosh and Rocza dive-bombed him, tearing off tiny chunks of flesh from his arms and head. "Loiosh! Stop it!"

Inside, Loiosh glowed with obscene pleasure at making Vlad scream. Ha! he thought. NOW who's the boss?? He increased the ferocity of his vicious attack; Vlad fell to the ground, his arms covering his head.

Reopening their psychic link, Loiosh crowed, "That's right, human, cower! Cower and tremble before your jhereg masters! Ahahahaha! Ahahaha! Ahaha-"

Mid-cackle, Loiosh paused as Morrolan and Aliera appeared, Great Weapons at the ready. As soon as they saw what was going on, Aliera interposed herself between Vlad and his attackers, and Morrolan grabbed Loiosh by the tail. Rocza, seeing the way of things, fled off.

Loiosh thrashed and beat his wings, but Morrolan's grip wavered not. "What is going on here?" the captor demanded.

Shakily returning to his feet, Vlad said, "That's what I'd like to know."

Loiosh hastily blocked their link, and resolved to remain silent. This resolve faltered, however, when Aliera said, "I think he's going through a phase."

"I AM NOT GOING THROUGH A PHASE!" Loiosh screamed into their minds. "I AM A FREE-THINKING INDIVIDUAL WITH THE RIGHT TO BLAZE MY OWN PATH THROUGH LIFE, JUST AS SOON AS I HAVE WREAKED MY REVENGE ON MY TORMENTOR THERE!" He gestured with his scaly head toward Vlad.

"Definitely a phase," Morrolan agreed, to Loiosh's rage. He sent wordless blasts of anger into their heads, but all three humanoids shut him out. The elfs helped Vlad up, and Aliera teleported them all to Castle Black. As she treated Vlad's wounds, they continued to block the angry lizard and Morrolan put a muzzle on him.

. . .

Realizing that only force would convince these tyrants, Loiosh called to Rocza.

"What is it?" she snapped irritably.

Confused, for Rocza had never spoken so to him before, Loiosh said, "What are you doing?" Caught off guard, she could do nothing as Loiosh slipped a little further into her mind and saw something of her activities. Chief among these was a male jhereg.

Loiosh recoiled back into his own mind. "Rocza!" he sobbed. "I... I thought..."

Guilty but unashamed, Rocza replied gently, "I know. I thought so too... but sometimes you're just a little too domesticated for me. I needed something more... wild."

Loiosh broke off their contact, and sobbed into himself. Catching something of his mood, Vlad sat up, concerned, and said, "What is it, Loiosh? What happened?"

Directing his now-colossal anger at Vlad, Loiosh screamed, "NOTHING! You stupid puny human, wasting my time with your petty ambitions! I WILL have my own life! No stupid humanoid or stupid mate is going to stop me! AHAHAHAHAHA! STOP ME IF YOU CAN, BOSS!"

With this enigmatic statement, Loiosh flew to the windowsill, tore off a piece of the curtain, and with his snakelike neck used it to bind his wings to his body. Vlad dashed toward the window, but it was too late. With a resounding crash, Loiosh broke the window and cackled before jumping through it, to his probable death.

"NOOOO!" cried Vlad. "My precious Loiosh!" He flung himself through after Loiosh, arms outstretched as though hoping to catch him.

Morrolan and Aliera, forseeing their own fate were their charge to die like this, also flung themselves through the window before realizing they could have sorcerously saved the two.

"Damn, we're stupid," said Morrolan.

...

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

...

Sethra, having attempted to contact Aliera and Morrolan and finding nothing, teleported to Castle Black. After a thorough study of the grounds, she stood before a tangled heap of human, Easterner, and jhereg. All of these were unconcious, having fallen a mere fifteen feet from the castle window, albeit head-first, but only Loiosh having nothing to break his fall.

"I should just toss these morons over the edge like they thought they were doing," Sethra said to herself. "What a bunch of idiots."

...

Recovering in Dzur Mountain, Loiosh realized he held nothing against Vlad. "It must have been the fall," he said to himself. "I feel like a loyal if insolent and humorous familiar again!" Happy for the first time since he had felt the pangs of rebellion, he hurried to tell Vlad the good news.

"ROCZA, now, is another matter. Yes, another matter indeed... ahahaha!"

The end... for now