Well , i got to start with the usual don't i ? Vincent/Hojo/Lucrecia/Gast do NOT belong to me , they are the properties of Squaresoft (awwww... if only Vincent was mine...) You can always sew me ,but uhhh.. you will only get a broken VCR and about 20$ a month .. it's all i can pay up

:'( sorry..

Memoirs of my sin

By: Shadowgirl669

My eyes openned , sign of another nightmare to have ended.I don't know what is worse, to awaken from those tourments , or to go back to them.

Though my eyes are open , i cannot see anything.I cannot even move a lot, the constraint of what is now my home unallows me to.

I often wondered since how long i was here, since how long my life ended.I am alive, yet i am not.No one knows that i am here.It's better like that ... i want no one. I don't deserve to live in this world. Not after this crime , this sin.

I sighed at the thought of what i did, or more , of what i didn't do. As a coward, i watched. I watched everything from the very beginning. I had a bad feeling when i came here, along with them , along with her , but i continued on my duty. Though it was to protect them 3 , to me , it was to protect her.

Lucrecia...

My beautifull Lucrecia. Then again , i cannot call her mine. She has never been , she will never be. I do not deserve someone like her.

When i went to her , when i finally asked her, she declined me. She prefered professor Hojo...

I thought she would be ok with him , i thought she would be happy, safe, so i stepped out, i let her be and prayed for her happiness every night.If she was happy , then i wouldn't mind.

If only i knew about it sooner ....

When i learned it , it was too late. Lucrecia was pregnent , and was being implanted with Jenova Cells.

We knew so little about Jenova , but Hojo and Gast wanted those testing. Hojo wanted it on humans , he was in such a hurry.Hojo pushed Gast to do those experiments on Lucrecia... Saying she wanted it.

Even now , i can't believe it. But she assured me it was the case, she was ready , in the name of Science , to give birth to an ancient , for this world. She had putted so much hope into this. Everyday she was smiling , rubbing her stomach , talking to the child. We learned it was a young boy.He was to be named Sephiroth. Lucrecia already loved him , she would sing, tell him stories , all that before even seeing him.

On my side, i would take care of her, make sure nothing touches her. She wasn't always with Hojo. He wouldn't protect her like i did anyways.He let science pass first while i would have given everything for her...

... in the end , i gave everything i had.

She was near the time where she would give birth , about anydays.But something went wrong... She was in her house, Hojo was once again away.From her window , i saw her collapse.I thought she just fell at first , but she didn't get back up. I ran in her house , Professor Gast saw me and followed.He was the only one who would watch for Lucrecia like i did. I held her , for a moment , her breathing was unsteady , she was unconscious. I swore to God my life would end if she was to die.I already had so much hate for Hojo and so much guilt to have let her go through all this , i wouldn't forgive myself if it lead to her demise.

Professor Gast took her away , i was asked to warn Hojo about it and ask him to join Gast in the lab.I didn't wait for him to ask again. I rushed to see Hojo and informed him.

Then was the wait, the long wait.Oh, it must have been days before i had any news on what hapenned. Professor Gast is the one that came, that was nice enough to fill me in.

Lucrecia... beloved , beautifull. She hadn't survived.She gave birth to her son and never even saw him. Profesor Gast was filled with sadness. He liked her too , he respected her for doing such a thing. He would never have imagined this to have gone so wrong. He said that he saw her status at the end , it was far from being what was expected , what it was suposed to be. If he would have seen all those abnormalities earlier , he would have stopped the experiments.

This is when the revelation hapenned...

Hojo ... He changed all the results before showing them to Gast. He told him after Lucrecia died. Gast told me he would quit Shinra , after what Hojo did to him , he lost all trust into that organisation.

I waited , i listenned to him, then watched him leave.

Then something snapped in me.

Hojo... He murdered her. And i , i only watched him do so.

Lucrecia , beautifull Lucrecia, Sun of my days, stars of my nights, you have left so soon and so unexpectedly. Only a savage could have made you suffer so much...

I lifted my arm , to touch my face.The constraint of my new home doesn't allow me to move well , but i don't care.It's nothing compared to what Lucrecia went through , it's all i deserve. There was a burning in my eyes , such a familliar feeling now. Thinking of her , seeing her face within my deepest memories always does that. I let out a painfull sigh as memories once again engulfed me.

I ran into the mansion where the secret lab was. Ran into the hidden entrance and down the spiral staircase.I slammed the door of the lab open as a threat to what i was about to do to him.I wanted to tear his heart out , rip his eyes out his head for simply having layed them on her , cut his hands off because he putted her in pain , i would have teared him appart , limb by limb. Then again , it would never match how i wanted him to suffer for what he did.

In the end , i lost , a gunshot which hadn't came from my forever partner, the quicksilver , echoed in the room. I felt a burning in my chest which wasn't from the hate i had for this man, i felt weak , nauseous, and i felt pain. Still not matching the one i was already feeling , but it was enough to alarm me of what was to happen.

Hojo laughed ... Probably proud of everything he did. All evidences were gone now.Gast was gone away from Shinra , i was about to die and Lucrecia... oh Lucrecia..this poor angel was already gone.

The world tilted in front of my eyes , his laugher faded and the world blackenned. I thought everything was now over. I would go see her... i would comfort her in death.I would be there to continue watching over her.

.....i was wrong.

I awoke in more pain than i was. ....why? I tried to move but i couldn't. I looked to see i was tied down to a table.Hojo was gloating. I felt weird , i could hear voices within my mind , voices that weren't mine , that weren't my conscience. Hojo approached and caressed my hair.I would have jumped him if only i could.I trashed best i could to get free , but he tied me too well. I was trapped...

Something was lurking inside me, i could feel it so well.A poison running through my veins , freezing as it passed by.

Hojo talked of Lucrecia as if she was a specimen , she was nothing more to him. She has never meant anything to him. He used her , and i watched him do so. If i accepted her to be with him , then i accepted her to go through this.

...no i would never have !

But i did , those voices , told me , those voices chanted it , those voices laughed it , those voices accused me of it.

And they were right.

I couldn't see what Hojo was doing to me , and in a way , it didn't matter. If only it could bring me death ...which never came.

Death would be too good for me anyways.It would bring me to her.Hojo knew that and didn't want it.He knew i loved her , he is mad but isn't stupid.

Through the days, the voices were intensified, my dreams became my only escape of this torture.But little did i knew those pleasent dreams were about to end. They started with memories of what i should have done , then nightmares of Lucrecia dying over and over , by my own hands.

Maybe this was what had hapenned after all. I didn't stop him , even if i had the feeling it was wrong. So instead , i watched her die. I pushed her to her own death.

She is gone, because of my inactions. I failed her.

She only wanted to make this world happy , giving birth to an ancient was her gift to the peoples , and it turned out to be all the oposite.

Sephiroth wasn't meant to be the planet's savior , he would be it's tourmentor. Lucrecia had been fooled by Hojo , we all had. I could have stopped it but i haven't.

After many days , many weeks of experimentation, my body was no longer mine. Hojo threw me off the table i was strapped on for so long, i lifted my head to find myself in front of a mirror.

It's when i saw it. this monster that hadn't stop Lucrecia from her demise .Lifeless red eyes were staring back at me , black hair drapping around them.A shining golden gauntlet for left hand and scars throughout it's pale body , as many as the sins that layed upon it.

I stared at it , for seconds that turned into minutes , it may have been hours, i do not remember.

But i perfectly remember this creature . I swear it laughed at me. Or was it i? i laughed at it , laughed at how pathetic it was. At how it didn't deserve to live , at how he was weak and at how he was a failure. Laughing was all i could do , i could no longer cry , i couldn't yell or even fight this demon that held the mirror.

This demon in white walked to me and picked me up and i gave no resistance. He dragged me through the basement in which his lab was.This basement where it all started and where it would all end.He threw me into a small room and openned a black coffin. In the center of the room i was to be layed , in between those who previously had this mansion and who were layed to rest here.I didn't ask Hojo to stop , i accepted my fate. No matter what awaited me , it would never be as what Lucrecia had went through , it would never be as bad , and even this would probably never give me salvation.

Salvation i do not deserve. Death i would never find. Life in confinements would be all i should have and all i will have.To this world i was dead and it was better this way , no one wants of a monster who cannot protect those he loves, and monsters cannot love.This world doesn't need more demons than those already lurking it.

Hojo layed me down and closed the lid of what was now my home. And ever since, i sleep. Not hoping for anyone to come , wishing to be left alone and just sleep those sins away. Sins i committed only by loving her. Sins i committed only by trusting him.

Lucrecia .. wonderfull Lucrecia , your eyes are better not to witness what will happen to this world. Rest in peace my beloved as i take this sight away from you , Lucrecia , beautifull Lucrecia , float peacefully within the lifestream as i drown in nightmares for you, Lucrecia sublime Lucrecia , smile and sing your constant happiness as i cry and scream the torment away from you.

Fin