The Outsiders © S.E. Hinton. This story is non-profit.
All notes/disclaimers in Chapter 1.

A/N: I'm ready to wind this baby up. I've got 12 chapters and an epilogue, so three more posts to go after this one! Hang in there!






Not Today
Chapter 10: Doubt

Tuesday was spent in a daze, since I don't sleep unless both my brothers are home at their appointed curfew and Soda didn't get in until fifteen after midnight on Monday night. We spent another hour talking about why I hadn't yelled at Pony after the dumbass move he'd made leaving his book bag at the DX. Soda also thought it was Jules; but I didn't recall Jules ever saying to me, "Don't yell at Pony."

I wanted to see her again. It had only been two days but I felt like I should see her. Maybe because we had slept together, maybe because I just liked seeing her, I didn't know. I just thought I should. I told Soda we slept together. I wasn't sure I was gonna do it, but we were sitting there talking about Jules and I just did. Soda's the kind of person you can tell anything to and they'll understand. Well, maybe not understand but sure as hell try to. It also felt good to just say it and not have someone go, "Well that was a real horrible thing to do, Dar."

Because it wasn't horrible. I mean, of course it wasn't. I didn't feel horrible about it neither. I felt kinda good about it. Soda clapped me on the back at first and said something real classy like "Good going", except I musta given him a look or something because then he took his hand off of my back and said, "I mean, hmmm. How do you feel about that?"

Which made us both crack up. Mostly I didn't want him to think anything differently of Jules, which he said he didn't and I believed him. I mean, the girls we knew weren't good and proper, but they weren't all sluts. Some were, but not all. Not most, I supposed. Just girls who didn't mind hanging out with greasers. But I don't even think Jules knew what a "greaser" was.

In answer to his question, I said, "I feel guilty about it a little." That was partly the truth. The part I wanted to talk to him about, anyway.

Soda blinked at me. The smile on his face was gone. He looked truly confused. "Why? Does Jules regret it?"

"No."

"You were careful weren't ya? I never knew you not to be Mr. Responsible, even when it came down to banging girls."

First I gave him a look of disappointment. "Don't be crass." Then I nodded my head. "And yeah, of course I was careful. I ain't stupid."

In high school, I was like any other guy. I mean, I wasn't gonna pass up the opportunity to get laid when I was seventeen years old. And I was popular, so I had my chances. But I also had my future in front of me, shining like a spotlight. In my senior year, there were college scouts at almost every game. I got A's in school specifically to better my chances of playing football at a good college. I wasn't gonna mess that up by getting some girl pregnant. So I was always, always careful. My friends liked to tease me, and Soda -- when he got old enough to figure out what was going on -- called me Mr. Responsible and rolled his eyes. I let them tease me; I mean, I wasn't the one that was gonna get saddled with a kid when I shoulda been going to college.

Ha. How ironic life is.

"So what's to feel guilty about?" Soda persisted.

The words were there, but my tongue wouldn't let them escape my mouth. Soda came around the back of me and started rubbing my shoulders, which I knew would put me to sleep in no time. It was after one in the morning, I don't know what I was doing chatting up my kid brother when we both had to be up in less than six hours.

"You an' Pony," I finally blurted. I felt Soda's hands stop.

"I won't tell Pony," he said slowly. "He'll still be the young and innocent fourteen-year-old he always was." The sarcasm that laced Soda's voice was thick. "I mean, I can have that talk with him if you want. The birds and the bears…"

"Bees," I correctly sharply without really meaning to. I pushed a breath out while Soda chuckled at himself, and felt a small churning in my stomach. "And save your sarcasm, little buddy. I know Pony has heard everythin' he needs to hear to know everythin' he needs to know whenever he decides to get his nose up out of those books and start lookin' at girls. That's not what I meant. I meant that this has changed things between me and Jules, and I gotta find a balance between her and my life. I'm already neglecting you and Pony. I ain't comin' home on time, I'm lettin' y'all stay up until all hours, I'm givin' you money for hamburgers and cokes instead of being here cooking dinner like I should be! Hell, I ain't even yellin' at him anymore when he makes stupid boneheaded moves like leaving his backpack at the DX!"

I didn't bother to try to calm myself down. Soda had moved away from my back completely and I stood up, pacing around our small living room. Any second now I expected Pony to come sleepily outta his room, rubbing his eyes and asking what was going on, and that would just be the icing on the cake, wouldn't it? Hey Darry, don't just keep your one brother up until all hours, make sure you yell enough to keep em both up!

Soda was just watching me pace, and it seemed that the more heated I got, the calmer he did. He sunk back on the couch and just waited until my steam ran out, which, at one o'clock in the morning, happened pretty quickly. I exhaled and a little bit of the weight that I felt sitting on my shoulders most of the time lifted.

"I think you're bein' too hard on yourself," Soda finally said.

"Of course you do," I snapped. "You live life like it's one big carnival!"

Why I was taking it all out on Soda all of a sudden was beyond me. Just another thing to feel guilty about later. Since when had I gotten so out of control of my life? I wasn't all that happy before; I was happier now, but feeling like I was losing control. It comforted me a little that Soda only shrugged and didn't seem to take offense to what I'd said (or my tone of voice) at all.

"You should take a lesson, big brother, because you don't see me pacing around the living room at one in the morning feeling guilty for everything I've ever done!" Soda announced. He was grinning, like he'd won. And really, he had. Because he was content and I was rarely that way.

Soda yawned and stretched his lean body across the couch, lithe and graceful, like a cat. "I'm tired, Dar," he said finally, rubbing his hands over his eyes.

I looked him over, then hooked my hand and said, "Come on."

He followed me into my bedroom and lay down on the bed, not bothering to get under the covers. His eyes didn't close, though, they followed me around as I undressed and he didn't speak until I lay down next to him.

"I know you're worried that you're letting me and Pony down, and if you're not letting me and Pony down you're letting Jules down, and I just want to tell you, at least from me and Pony's end, that you're not. I mean, we're happy for you, we like Jules, we want you to spend time with her."

He was quiet, and I honestly didn't know what else to say. I was physically and mentally exhausted.

"I don't see why this has to be a big deal," Soda said, and I heard the drowsiness reaching his voice. "You an' Pony are getting along better than ever. You think you shoulda yelled at him about the DX, but I bet he'll remember that you didn't. Maybe he'll be more careful because he doesn't want to disappoint you if you don't haul off and holler every time he makes a wrong move."

We didn't say anything else after that. Maybe Soda thought I'd fallen asleep because when I didn't respond he just sighed and turned over. His breathing was deep and regular within minutes. I stared at the ceiling and thought about everything Soda had said. I wasn't feeling one hundred percent guilt-free, but I supposed I never would. It just wasn't in my personality. I was, however, finally feeling relaxed enough to drop off to a much-needed slumber.


I didn't see Jules again until Friday when she came over after her class. She stood at the door with a bunch of books in her arms and said, "I heard you're not too bad at this math stuff."

It's not like people go around town saying things like, "Boy, that Darrel Curtis sure is good at math!", so I knew it had to be one of my brothers that let her in on that little secret. Pony was grinning at me from the table while I stood aside to let Jules in, and I knew he'd tipped her off.

"I'm the best chance you got in this house anyway," I said, glancing at Soda who was lying on the living room floor watching television and then at Pony. He was clearing books away to make room for Jules, who was opening a very thick textbook and a matching workbook.

"What kind of math do you have to do in nursing school?" Pony asked, peering across the table at what Jules was looking at. His face was screwed into an expression of concentration and for a second he looked exactly like Soda does when he's fixing a car. That kid's gonna be beating girls off with a bat if he keeps on growing up to look like Sodapop.

"It's called pharmacology math," Jules said, and as I pulled my chair next to her, I wondered why the hell she thought I could help her with something called pharmacology math. "It's basically how to convert measurements for medication doses."

Pony nodded and said, "Hmm." Then he looked at me real long and hard and started laughing.

I had to laugh too, and Jules looked at us like we were losing our minds.

"What?"

"I got A's in high school, Jules. But you don't learn pharmacology math in high school," I said.

She just grinned at me. "I didn't say I need you to teach me how to do it, I need you to help me figure it out. You, of all people Mr. Responsible Guardian, should know that." I caught her wink at Pony, who only shrugged.

We spent the next two hours working on conversions and ratios and stuff like that, and I have to admit that I wasn't half bad at figuring the stuff out. People should go around town saying things like, "Boy, that Darrel Curtis sure is good at math!" Jules was grinning at her workbook as she looked over the last of the problems.

"Thank you," she said when she closed it and looked up at me. I was surprised at the gravity in her voice. She was still grinning though. "I was just gonna fake sick tomorrow if I couldn't get this done."

Soda was passing by the dining room table on his way to the kitchen, and he paused, putting his hand on the back of Jules' chair. He spent a few seconds looking at the examples in her textbook and shook his head.

"That's what I woulda done," he said definitively, then stepped around to Pony, ruffled his hair and ran screeching into the kitchen with Pony on his heels.

I chuckled at both of them and silently hoped they wouldn't break any more dishes as they wrestled in the kitchen, each trying to mess up the other's hair. I never met two people who cared more about their hair than my brothers. Well, maybe Steve. It was a minute before my eyes drifted back to Jules and I found her looking at me unabashedly.

"What?"

She shook her head. "Nothing."

Then her eyes drifted back to her books and she started stacking them into a pile. "I should go," she said absently.

It wasn't yet nine. "Don't," I said, so quickly that I even surprised myself. She glanced up briefly and smiled, but it was what my dad liked to call a 'regret to inform you' smile. You knew 'no' was coming soon after.

"Take a walk with me?" I asked, standing up and shoving my hands into my pockets. I didn't know why, but I just wanted to get out of there and talk to her. "Just around the block," I added on when her expression hadn't changed.

I saw her soften. She stood up and glanced at my brothers who were now leaning against the kitchen counters, breathing hard and sucking down glasses of chocolate milk. "Ten minutes," she said to me.

I hadn't realized Soda and Pony could hear us, or were even listening, but when I turned around I saw Soda nod and roll his eyes. "Yeah yeah, go. I think I can babysit this monkey for ten minutes."

Pony put his glass down, real slow, but anyone who knew him would recognize that Soda had about a three second head start before Pony threw his lanky body toward him and more wrestling ensued. Soda grinned cheekily and took off toward their bedroom. I heard a huge crash, the lamp they're always knocking down but somehow not breaking, and sighed. Pony wasn't even in there yet.

"Are they always rough housing?" Jules asked, starting to pick up her books. I took the stack and walked out onto the porch while she fished around in her purse for her keys. I was about to say no, but why lie?

"Pretty much," I said instead. "Pony not so much, but Soda and Steve and Two-Bit would just wrestle and fight all day long if they didn't have to stop to eat and work. Pony wrestles with Soda when Steve's not here, probably to help Soda with all that extra energy so he doesn't keep Pony up all night runnin' his mouth."

Jules laughed and put the key in the lock of her trunk, popping it open. I set the books inside and she smiled up at me as she slammed the lid closed. "Thanks again for the homework help," she said, leaning into me.

I put my arms around her. "Homework is my favorite thing to do after a long day's work."

Her laughter was soft but it reached my ears and made me feel all warm inside. "Mine too," she agreed whole-heartedly. Then her hand slipped into mine and she stepped out of my embrace, pulling me along the street. "Walk?"

I followed her start, keeping her hand tucked tightly into mine as we walked past the run-down front yards of my neighbors. The good thing about my street is that it's relatively quiet. My house isn't so much, but there aren't a bunch of loud parties and stuff going on. Mostly if there is noise, it's dogs, kids or yelling. Tonight, no one seemed to be fighting and we could hear the crickets chirping at us as we walked along.

"When my mom and dad bought the house, the neighborhood wasn't so bad," I told Jules. I didn't know why I said it, but it was like I wanted her to know.

"I don't think it's so bad now," she said back. I knew she was lying because of how she felt about her own place, but I didn't say anything. I sorta appreciated the lie.

"Tell me about your mom and dad," she said in my silence.

She'd seen the pictures we have in the living room, but I didn't talk much about them. I just don't know what to say when people ask me. I mean, there are a hundred stories I could tell, but it still kinda hurts. It's not that I'm trying to forget, it's just that I'm not ready to remember yet.

"Well you know I look just like my dad and Soda looks just like my mom," I started out.

"Pony's gonna grow up to look an awful lot like Soda," Jules supplied, and I nodded my agreement even though she wasn't looking at me. We were passing the Tanner house. I used to be real good friends with their son Joey, who was my age, until he beat up Soda because Joey's girlfriend flirted with him in school. I wasn't sure what Joey was doing now, but I was pretty sure he was off in college somewhere because I never saw him around.

I shook my head. Weird, how memories come if you just quiet your mind long enough to let them.

"I have my mom's personality, though. And Soda's just like my dad. Pony's somewhere in between."

"Which means your mom was strict and your dad was carefree," Jules said, and from the corner of my eye I saw her glance up at me. I looked at her and she was half-smiling, like she wasn't sure if she shoulda said it.

I inclined my head. "Yeah, pretty much." I knew I was done talking about my parents. This is how I am, see. I just don't like to do it. Even with Jules. A year ain't that long, you know, after you lose your parents. I mean, me, Soda and Pony had all had a birthday without them, we had our first Christmas without them…those are sort of milestones I guess, but it's not like it gets any easier as you keep having birthdays and Christmases. They're still gone.

"What about your dad?" I asked.

She squeezed my hand. She knew I was changing the subject, but that was okay. We turned the corner at the end of the block and made our way around to the other side. The park was at our backs and I was trying to ignore it as best I could.

"We're close," she said with a heavy sigh. "I don't remember my mom, she left when I was two. He raised me and it was just us." She paused for a long time and we walked in silence. "It was real hard to decide to come out here. But when I got the scholarship we sorta decided that I had to. I'd probably be at Santa Monica Junior College now if I didn't."

She laughed, but only she knew the joke because I'd never been outside of Oklahoma, much less all the way to California. "Plus, my dad had this theory," she said. "If you love something, let it go."

"That's not a theory," I said mildly. "That's a quote by someone."

She just said, "Hmm."

We were approaching my house again. It was quiet inside except for the occasional canned laughter from the television, and I took that as a good thing. She stopped by her car and I turned to face her. The walk had been nice, but it hadn't accomplished what I'd wanted it to, which was to talk to her. Really talk to her.

"You still have something on your mind," she said, reaching up and touching my cheek with her fingertips. Her eyes were searching me, and I felt that now-familiar fluttering in the pit of my stomach; excitement combined with nervousness that if she just looked long enough, she'd be able to read all of the secrets inside of me. I felt exposed around her, and it was nerve-wracking for someone like me.

"We didn't talk about what happened the other night and I wanted to make sure you were alright with everything," I said in a rush.

She stepped back and blinked. Was she surprised at the question? I couldn't tell. "Are you alright with everything?"

It was my turn to be surprised. I nodded quickly. "Yeah, I mean, if you are."

Her lips were tugging into a frown and I wanted to run my thumb over them, make it disappear. "I was until now," she said dubiously.

Good going, Darry.

She sighed heavily when I didn't respond. I didn't really trust myself not to mess things up anymore. Everyone has those moments where you feel like nothing you say is right, and every time you open your mouth you make things just a little bit worse. This was one of those times for me.

"I don't sleep around," she said suddenly, and she was biting hard on her lip. I did reach up and touch her mouth with my thumb this time, but she shook away. "I know you must be thinking, boy that was really easy -- "

"I'm not thinking that!" I almost shouted.

She didn't seem phased by the outburst, instead she seemed fueled by it. "I just thought we had this connection, you know? It sounds stupid when I say it now, but at the time I thought it."

"What do you mean thought?" I asked. "You don't think it now?" My voice was considerably softer, but I honestly don't think she noticed one way or the other. I put my hands on either one of her shoulders and she went to shrug out of it but I held her fast. Made her look at me. Made her pay attention.

"I don't think anything less of you because of what happened, and I thought you knew that," I said firmly. "Aren't you the one who said 'no regrets'?"

She blinked. Maybe brought back into the moment, I don't know, but she looked about to cry and I hated it.

"I really like you Darry," she said, softly this time. "I'm trying to make this work but I'm not good at it. You're obviously not good at it either so I try to act like I have everything figured out, like nothing bothers me but it does. And what happened, I couldn't stop it and I don't think you could either, and now I can only hope it didn't mess things up."

Obviously I'm not good at it either? I ignored that part for the moment and rubbed my hands up and down her shoulders. "Why do you think it messed things up?" I asked quietly. "I just want to make sure you're okay, and that I'm doing what you need me to be doing." I pushed a breath out. "I'm having a tough time making sure everybody I need to take care of is taken care of."

Her shoulders sagged, I felt it beneath my palms. "I don't need taken care of," she said quietly and I wouldn't have heard her if the night hadn't gone so quiet. "Your brothers do and I don't want to get in the way of that."

I pulled her into me, praying she wouldn't resist. She didn't, putting her arms around my waist and burying her face into my chest. The top of her head came just below my chin.

"None of this is coming out the way I meant it to," I said honestly.

I felt the vibrations of her chuckle deep inside of me.

"I want to spend time with you, I don't regret anything that happened, and I'm trying to keep my household and my work in order."

"I know you are," she said. She had pulled back and laced her fingers around my neck. She stood on her tip toes and kissed me. "This is supposed to be fun, not hard. If it's another burden, just something else for you to worry about, I don't want it." Her fingers came away from my neck and she put one hand firmly on my stomach. "As a nursing student I have to tell you, you're headed straight for an ulcer."

I tilted my head and smiled at her. "You make me worry less, not more," I said honestly. "I'm hardly yelling at Pony anymore and just the other day I actually caught myself saying, 'If it was meant to be, it was meant to be.' "

She was cracking up, but I was not joking.

"I said that out loud. To a person!" I continued. She obviously did not get how unlike me it was, because she was practically doubled over on the sidewalk. I just stood there, hands folded over my chest and waited for her to calm down. She was wiping tears from her eyes once she did.

"Sorry," she said, breathless. "Lord, that was funny."

"I'm happy to amuse you," I said without mirth.

She frowned, but it was one of those I'm-trying-not-to-laugh frowns, and put her hand on my shoulder. "You're a doll," she said for no apparent reason.

"Listen," I said, putting both my arms around her waist and pulling her close to me. "Do you still want this? Because I still want this. You make me less stressed, not more stressed. And from a medical standpoint, I think any doctor would say that I should spend as much time with you as possible."

She tilted her head and a slight breeze lifted up a few strands of her hair and blew them wildly about her head. Her eyes seemed to glow in the yellow-glare of the streetlight outside my house.

"Well, if it's for medical purposes, then yes. Sure, I still want this."

She grinned cheekily at me before leaning forward and up, recapturing my lips with hers.

My mom always told me life was like a puzzle, and sometimes you'd easily be able to find the pieces you needed, and sometimes you'd have to look a little harder. I was sorta relieved it seemed that the pieces were falling into place. At least for now.

TBC…

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Reviews for Chapter 9:

This review thread has become quite an interesting discussion on the characterization of Darry. I love hearing everyone's thoughts, so keep em coming!

Makado Felton - You're so sweet! Thank you!

dawndragon - Well thank you very much for the compliment and for reviewing the story!

wynn - Well if you're feedback is always going to be so insightful, then talk away! I loved what you had to say about Darry, and thank you so much for adding a review.

kaz456 - There's definitely a limit or all hell would break loose. LOL Hope you enjoyed more brother-bonding in this chapter, too!

miz jif - I think the Darry/Pony relationship is one of the --if not THE-- most intriguing relationships in the book. It's nice to have a chance to flesh it out from Darry's POV. I'm glad you're enjoying.

Sodapop's#1gurl - Everyone deserves a break from reviewing. I'm glad you came back, though!

Vincenza - Well here it comes. LOL Thanks for reviewing.

Julie - Thanks for your thoughts on both 8 and 9. I'm glad you liked both.

JPSquire - Ramble away. Everything you say is appreciated! I hope I didn't sound defensive, I was just trying to explain why I made the choices I did. Please, if you have something to say whether it's praise or constructive criticism, say it! That's how I know you care about what I'm doing!

Jess - Ah, no pressure. No pressure. Sometimes you just gotta sit back and have faith in yourself and your choices, right?

Tessie - Yeah, PS is a little hottie in Dirty Dancing, isn't he? I don't blame you for having him on the brain. Oh, and it is grammatically correct to just leave thoughts as they are (no quotations or italics or anything) but I can see how it'd be hard to follow. I'll try to remember to make them stand out more.

chibinataly - I love to see new faces chiming in. Thank you for reading the story and for letting me know you were reading! Hope to hear more of your thoughts.

Bandit-Gurl42 - ((huggles reviewer)) Thanks so much!