The Outsiders © S.E. Hinton. This story is non-profit.
All notes/disclaimers in Chapter 1.

A/N:You're getting two posts for the price of one because Chapter 12 is short and it really needs the epilogue to wrap things up. Thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts on my final offering!




Not Today
Chapter 12: Goodbye

The rest of the day passed in a blur. I really didn't say much as I went with Jules back to her apartment to make phone calls, including one to the college where she deferred her enrollment, and one to a moving company where she made arrangements for a truck to come in several days to pick up her stuff and drive it back to California.

Inside I was screaming, but I didn't say anything. Maybe I thought that was the way to be supportive? Maybe I was too scared to beg her not to go.

After all those phone calls, she excused herself to take a shower and freshen up. Her shower was over an hour long and I know I heard crying in there, but when she came back out she was composed and I didn't say anything. I hugged her a lot though, whenever I could, and she seemed to appreciate that. But she never cried in front of me again.

She went with me back to my house around dinner time, and politely answered every question Pony and Soda had. It seemed like she was on auto-pilot, which I could understand. She seemed very calm and reasonable, which I could not understand. The things that were coming out of her mouth were not reasonable! She couldn't be leaving, could she?

It wasn't until late, past eleven o'clock I think, that I actually took her into my bedroom, shut the door and tried to figure out the words I needed to get the answers I needed.

"Explain this to me, Jules," was what I ended up saying, which is often what I end up saying to Ponyboy when he's doing something I just totally don't get. Which is a lot. I never realized how much she was like both my brothers in different ways until today.

She sighed and put her hand on my arm. "I gotta go, Darry," she said.

That didn't help me. "Look," I said, and I hated the urgent, sick feeling I was getting in my stomach. "I'll drive with you back to California. I'll help you with the funeral."

I couldn't do that. Anyone in their right mind knew I couldn't do that. The state would take Pony and Soda away so fast, not to mention we'd go belly up within a week. She was smiling at me, a sad, knowing smile that never had good news following it. The regret-to-inform-you smile. I suddenly missed my parents with a fierce urgency I thought had disappeared a long time ago.

"I have to get the house in order," she said softly. She didn't even address my offer to drive with her. She didn't need to. We both knew I couldn't. "Box up everything, figure out what I'm going to do with it all, and sell the house. I don't know how long it's gonna take me." She paused, blew a breath out. "It's better this way, Darry. I'm not saying I'm not coming back, but I don't know for sure and I can't just -- " She cut herself off but blinked at me and I was caught in those eyes again. "Please understand."

"No, I don't understand." I was trying not to get sore but it was hard. I wanted to say, 'I wouldn't leave you,' but I couldn't say that for sure either. I wanted to say, 'I thought this meant more to you,' but I knew it meant a lot to her. Throwing guilt trips her way wasn't going to do anything but add resentment to an already tough situation.

"I'm sorta scared, too," she whispered, and it was so soft I wondered if I was supposed to hear it.

I looked at her. My first instinct was to fix it, but the way she was blinking up at me I realized she was scared of me. No, not of me…of how she felt. Of us. My heart jumped, only because I thought to myself, 'Jules isn't a coward, and she'll come back. She won't run away from this'. She shook her head, and I started to think she hadn't meant to say it at all, or she didn't realize she'd said it out loud.

"I can't be here when he's there…dead," she said with finality.

It was hard for me to argue with that. In Jules' head it made sense, and it didn't matter if it didn't make sense in mine. Her daddy was dead. I knew how that felt. I knew it seemed like nothing was ever gonna be the same again, and everything was sorta tilted, like when the television goes wacky because the wind is knocking the antenna around on the roof. Jules thought she'd never see a clear picture again. I got that. I'd felt it too. And in some ways, my picture really wasn't clear ever again after my parents died. My whole life was different. Jules came into it after they were gone. It wasn't like that for her. I'd been in her life before her dad died. Now it was after, and things were changing.

I didn't say anything else because I knew that she wasn't going to suddenly change her mind. I just pulled her close to me and held her. I was afraid to let go.



Two mornings later it dawned clear and sunny. What a cruel joke.

Jules packed some stuff in her car. The rest would follow in a moving van in three days. I promised her I'd pack up her apartment, open it up for the moving crew, and then drop off her key at the apartment office. That was what I could do for her, she said. I had no choice but to do it.

"I'm gonna miss you," she said, walking right into my embrace and pressing her face into my chest. We were standing in front of my house. Her car was parked behind my truck, and I couldn't see it from where we were standing. I was glad. I didn't want to see the suitcases.

I knew Pony and Soda were watching from the windows. I'd known they would the moment she said she'd like to pack up and drive over to say goodbye. I could have insisted; told her I'd rather go to her place for the privacy, but I didn't care anymore. I just didn't want her to go, and nothing else mattered all that much.

When she'd come, she'd knocked on the door and said goodbye to both my brothers. They looked confused, because I knew they didn't understand why she was going and not coming back. I tried to explain, but I didn't understand completely either, so I just told them we had to respect whatever she wanted to do. It was a little easier because we'd all lost our parents, and we all knew how crazy it makes you feel inside. Still, I knew they hoped she'd be back very soon. I didn't dare hope that.

"I'm gonna miss you, too," I said into her hair.

I think it was the most understated thing I've ever said. She held onto me for a while longer. It was hot again. The cold snap with all that rain seemed like ages ago, but at the same time, it seemed like we'd just met. The same things kept going round and round in my mind.

I didn't get enough time with her. It's not fair.

"I don't like goodbyes," she said, pulling back a little. She was smiling sadly at me.

Then don't go, I wanted to say. I reminded myself not to be selfish and I said instead, "I don't either. So I guess this isn't goodbye then."

Her smile got a little less sad, and I was grateful to have said that. I was mad, real mad, but not at her. At the situation. At fate.

Jeez. Stupid, Darry. Stupid. I don't believe in fate.

"I guess I'll see you, then," she said and she tilted her face up. I leaned down and kissed her. It wasn't like the other kisses. It was a goodbye kiss and it made my heart hurt.

"I'll see you," I said. My voice had gone hoarse. I wanted to ask her if she'd be back. When she'd be back. But I was afraid of the answer. So I didn't.

She walked around my truck in the direction of her car and I shoved my hands into my pockets as I watched her.

I didn't get enough time with her. It's not fair.

She smiled at me. "If it's meant to be…" she started to say, and then stopped. I was glad, because that's a cliché I couldn't deal with right then. Instead of finishing, she tilted her head as if to say 'oh well', and disappeared around the side of my truck. I heard her car door open. When the engine started, I tried to swallow and realized there was a huge lump in my throat. I wasn't gonna watch her drive away.

Without taking my hands out of my pockets, I turned and walked through our open gate and up our porch stairs. Past the rickety old swing that I'll never look at the same again. Shoot, I guess I'd never look at anything the same again. I guess I was different, and that made everything around me different.

Pony and Soda didn't even try to pretend they hadn't been in the window. Both of them stood looking grim, hands in their pockets, miniature versions of me. I didn't know what to say to them, they didn't know what to say to me.

Pony pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it up. Soda fidgeted and I knew he wished he had a smoke, too. We just stood there -- we musta been a sight. Finally, Soda cleared his throat and it was the first sound I'd heard since Jules' car had started off. Me and Pony both swung our heads to look at him.

"I have this theory," he said softly. "You guys are gonna see each other again real soon."

I took my hands out of my pockets. My heart ached. "That's not a theory," I said, lifting my chin. I was surprised my voice worked. "That's wishful thinking."

Suddenly all of Jules' theories floated up into my mind.

If you need something, it'll be there.

If it gets bad enough, it's gotta break. Something has to change.

If you go around regretting the things you do, there's no point in doing anything at all.

I smiled at my brothers and shrugged my shoulders. "It'll be okay, right?" I wasn't asking, but they nodded anyway.

Soda looked relieved at being able to tell me something I wanted to hear. He slipped his hands out of his pockets and put one around my shoulders. "It's gonna be great, Dar!"

Jules wasn't there. Not today, anyway. But my brothers were, and that was okay, too.

Continued in the epilogue...

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Reviews for Chapter 11:

Tessie26 - Thank you for your undying support throughout this whole story, and for letting me bounce my next story idea off of you. I really appreciate it!

Robot In Disguise - When you had time and inclination to chime in, I'm so glad you did. I'm glad you read the story and I really respect your opinion. Thanks!

Arantxa - Don't be too mad at Jules, hopefully in the end you'll understand her purpose.

Raggedy Anne - Jules sure did run the gamut of emotions, didn't she? Poor Darry, indeed. I can tell you're a huge Darry supporter so I kind of think of you as a kindred spirit. Thanks for your amazing reviews throughout the story!

Julie - That the chapter hit home for you is something I'm proud of, although I'm sorry it brought up unhappy memories. I hope in the end you can look at this story as something you'll enjoy because you can relate to it. Thanks for your comments and your support of Jules from the beginning.

Bandit-Gurl42 - I tried not to keep everyone waiting too long after the way I left off. Hope you're satisfied and thanks for your constant positivity.

Vincenza - Until Ponyboy's out of his house, Darry's really in a bad situation, isn't he? I hope he finds someone too, in the end.

Tonyboy - Yes, you are truly a romantic. The only reviewer to suggest that they get married! I'd say that's pretty romantic, wouldn't you? I hope the girl you like also sees what a good person you are. Yes, I enjoyed writing the story very much, thank you!

Langley - First of all, thank you for some of the most insightful reviews I've ever seen on each and every chapter of the story. I really appreciated everything you have said. I have faith that you'll understand my reasons for ending it this way when you get through the rest.

Jess - I love the angst, can you tell? Muwahaha!