By Scribe of Figaro
MIROKU'S JOURNEY: PART V
"I wonder how I look inside your mind.
Tell me, have I scored with your panel of judges tonight?
Can you see me? Do you hear what I say to you?
When I look inside you I see something about myself,
Something I never knew."
- Caroline's Spine, "Inside Your Mind"
His dreams were odd, involving fights with strange youkai. His friends were there, and he knew they included hanyou and kitsune. Sango was there, and in his dreams she did have dark hair, and was dressed all in scandalous, form-fitting black. But their faces blurred whenever he looked at them, and when he in desperation grabbed at Sango's wrist to bring her close to him, hoping if she was close enough he could focus and see her face, she brought up a hand and slapped him quite hard.
He awoke.
Blinking, the houshi looked around the hut. There was only one room, but a hanging cloth split the hut in two to protect Sukui's decency while they slept on futons.
With a gasp he recognized the form kneeling above him.
Sukui was there in a kimono so thin and light that she might as well have been naked. Moonlight streamed through it from the window and highlighted the curves of her ample chest. Seeing him awake, she brought a hand to his face.
"Houshi-sama," she whispered.
"Sukui-sama," he gasped. "What are you doing?"
She smiled shyly, leaning over him. Though he didn't mean to see it, the spit in her kimono revealed flesh between neck and navel and made it clear she was otherwise quite naked.
"My husband Noriko died in a farming accident a year ago, and I haven't had the company of another man since. He looked a lot like you, you know. Shorter, wider, but the same face." Her thumb rubbed against his lips. "Same beautiful, boyish face."
When her hand began to trace the folds of his kimono he caught it firmly. His expression of anger startled her, as did the other hand that grabbed her shoulder and pushed her away.
He scooted across the floor, sitting opposite her with his hands hanging loosely over his knees.
"Houshi-sama," she whispered, more desperate than before.
"And yet that name means nothing to you," he muttered. He saw her tremble before him, as if near tears, and immediately made his tone softer.
"I am a servant of Buddha, and as such I must seek peace and prolong the happiness of those around me."
She clasped her hands, her eyes hopeful.
"But," he said, afraid he couldn't stress the word enough, "I must at the same time avoid petty desire, most hurtful desire, for failing to do so leads to great suffering."
"Houshi-sama," she begged.
He sighed.
"I guess I don't know where that came from. I don't understand half of what I just said, really."
Again, the hopeful look.
"The reason I can't do this is because I am already married. I care not for any other woman."
He leaned toward her, taking her hand, his eyes seeing only her face.
"No matter how beautiful, how wonderful, how perfect you may be, you are not my Sango," he whispered. "I can't do her wrong, Sukui-sama. I'm not even able to."
"But," she whispered, "but you asked me already. Why change your mind now?"
"Nani?"
"The first thing you said to me," she whispered. "I saw you approach the village. You asked me then, but I said no, because you were with that woman at the time." She pressed her fists to the floor in exasperation. "I'm here now; she's not. I can do it, Houshi-sama."
His eyes narrowed. "What did I ask you then?"
"To bear your child, Houshi-sama!"
His eyes widened. Suddenly he was laughing.
"Houshi-sama?"
He shook his head. "I'll give you credit, Sukui-sama, for being such a trickster. But I assure you even without memory of that day I'm sure I couldn't have said such a thing."
She seemed about to argue, but a glare from him was enough to quiet her. She nodded cautiously, wrapping her kimono around her, escaping to the opposite side of the partition.
I will leave in the morning before she awakes. It would be best that way. I will leave this place and go north. Sukui told me they were traveling in that direction. I will go north and search for my companions in every town I pass.
I will find her. I must. I will travel hard, I will outrun my own shadow. I will not rest. I will not sleep again unless my Sango is beside me.
He wasn't sure what he was going to do when he saw her. He was mildly afraid he wouldn't recognize her, that he might pass her somewhere and never see her again. He was afraid she would see him and think him a ghost, a zombie, and in her haste slay him with the huge weapon Sukui mentioned in the conversation they held while they walked back from the river earlier that evening.
"Sukui-sama, could you tell me if you know anything about my friends?"
"What do you want to know, Houshi-sama?"
"Their names."
She clasped her hands together.
"Well, there was the hanyou, Inuyasha. Kowai! Silver hair, dog ears on the top of his head. And there was the girl that seemed to be married to him. Strange green kimono. Never seen clothes like that. And there was a kitsune – he kept bugging the hanyou, like he wasn't afraid of him at all. Anyway, there was the peasant girl with a huge . . . gomen, Houshi-sama, I don't know what it was, but she carried it on her back. A weapon, maybe. She was wearing that apron you had. The way you two carried on, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you're together."
"Are you sure you don't remember any other names?"
"Gomen, Inuyasha was the only one I remember. The girl with the weird clothes must have yelled it a thousand times while I was watching them."
"Not even mine?"
"Gomen, Houshi-sama."
Morning came very slowly, as it always does for young houshi who do not sleep. He could not rest well for fear of Sukui returning to him. Nor could he ignore the pang in his heart with every light, muffled sob he heard from the young woman across the hut.
It is best this way.
Chapter posted 27 April 2003