Title: Musings from the Outer Office
Author: Jewel (JB)
Feedback: R & R Loved, cherished, and coveted.
Disclaimer: They belong to Chris Carter and 1013, but the damn hamster is mine!
Classification: H, MSR
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Hmm...Nope, Nada, None
Archival: Anywhere as long as you ask first
Summary: A secretary, a hamster, Mulder, Scully, and Skinner. What more do you need?
Musings from the Outer Office
You aren't going to believe what they got into this time…
No one can believe it! I don't even believe it, and I've seen a lot from these two. I've seen more of these two agents than I have any others, and I've been here going on five years!
They are sitting there on the couch trying, in vain, to look composed. He is fidgeting with the buttons on his suit jacket, and she is trying not to reach over and fix his tie. You know, I think he does that on purpose. As a matter of fact, I know he does. I've even seen him mess it up when she's not looking. He likes it when she leans over to straighten his tie. You want to know what the funny part is? She knows exactly what he's doing.
I see them play this little game at least once a week. This game, among others.
What others? Well, my personal favorite is the "Height Game." You see, the object of this game is for him to get her to expose as much of her neck as possible. He stands at his full height, which puts him at almost a foot taller than her. Since she doesn't back off she is forced to look up at him, thus being forced to expose her neck. It is almost lewd the way her looks at her neck sometimes. He is definitely the type that would leave a hickey.
I also like the "I'm going to be a gentleman" game. Look, I don't know either one personally, so I can't say whether he was raised as a gentleman or not. I can say, however, that regardless he uses this to his advantage. Now, I have had men hold doors for me, and guide me with a hand at the small of my back. Hell, my boss has done it! But this guy doesn't do it to be a gentleman, he does it so he can have another excuse to invade her personal space and touch her.
You see, when he holds a door for her he leans in ever so slightly as she passes, causing her to brush against him in some way, shape, or fashion. He did it about ten minutes ago, when they first entered the office. When he guides her with his hand at the small of her back, he allows his hand to linger a little longer than is necessary.
They play these games daily, and some speculate nightly. I say "they" because she knows exactly what he's doing, and enjoys each and every single second of it! I think just about everyone in the secretarial pool has noticed. There is even an office pool, as to the real nature or their relationship.
Oh, I'm supposed to be telling you about the trouble they have gotten themselves in this time! Sorry for going off on a tangent like that. Well, from what I understand, it all started when he brought the damn thing to work...
"Mulder, you have lost it for real this time!"
"Come on Scully. Look into these beady little eyes of death. This is..."
"This, Mulder, is a hamster! A HAMSTER! Not a vessel for any kind of demonic activity, real or imagined."
Mulder's expression was one of disbelief.
"Don't look at me like that! I have had it! I will not, do you hear me, not, take this damn rodent to the lab and run any kind of tests on it!"
"Him."
"What?"
"Him, the hamster is a male. His name is Damian, Scully. Damian! That in itself has to say something."
"Yeah, Mulder, it does say something. It says he is a hamster named Damian."
"Scully, don't you see. Throughout history, demons and other evil spirits..."
"Mulder."
"Have always preferred..."
"Mulder."
"To possess the bodies of animals. Not only wild animals..."
"Mulder."
"But especially the bodies of domesticated animals. You know, the household pets..."
"MULDER!"
"Yes, Scully?"
"Where is it?"
"Where's what?"
"Damian! Where is he?"
"He's right...he was...oh shit!"
Oh boy. These two just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Yeah folks, it gets much worse from here. You see, little Damian decided he was going to do some serious damage. I'm not sure if you know this, but women and rodents don't mix. The basement office happens to be one floor below the secretary's lounge. Apparently, Damian has a thing for The Young and the Restless too...
"He has to be here somewhere, Scully."
"Really?"
"Are you gonna get down here and help me find him?"
"Did I help you lose him, Mulder?"
Just as Mulder was about to launch into his lecture about teamwork, all hell broke loose in the lounge. Believe me I know, because I was there! I actually thought Damian was kind of cute. Well, I couldn't really tell from up on the table, but...
"Well, Mulder I guess we found him."
Mulder was heading down the hall before Scully was able finish her sentence. Once he reached the lounge, all of the women (and between you and me, some of the men) had left skid marks in their attempts to get out of there as fast as possible. Some of us, however, refused to leave the safety of various tables and chairs.
"Where is it?"
The only answer I could give him was to point at the floor vent the industrious little scamp had made his escape through.
"Damn," was the thanks I got.
Mulder ran back down the stairs and up the hall to his office. Scully, never having moved, was waiting for him.
"Well?"
"He's in the vent," Mulder said looking at her expectantly.
"What?"
"What what?"
"Why are you looking at me that way?"
"I'm too big to get in there and get him."
"You can't be serious."
"Look, Scully, we have already reached our weekly quota for pissing off the bosses. Once they find out about Damian..." Mulder was running his fingers through his hair, "Can you say suspension, Scully?"
Scully let out a long slow sigh. He knew he had her then.
Not to interrupt the misadventures of agents Doofus and McNut (you decide who is who), but that is another one of their games. He gets them into a mess, and then begs and pleads for her to help him out of it. She puts up a fight, at first, and then sighs her resignation. She knows that no matter what, they will be in the world's biggest pile of shit, and she goes along anyway. Okay, sorry...
"Give me a boost, Mulder."
Scully removed her suit jacket and heels, and walked over to stand directly below the vent.
"Wait a sec," Mulder stood on a chair and removed the vent cover. After he placed it on top of the file cabinets, he stepped down, "Ready?"
She nodded in response. He lifted her easily, helping her climb into the vent.
"You see him?"
"No," was the reply.
"You see him now?"
No reply
"Scully?"
"What?"
"You see him?"
"NO!"
"Oh."
"Wait! Here he is!"
Scully was able to shoo the little demon behind her. As he scurried past her, she realized the vent was too small for her to turn around. She would have to back out.
"Mulder, do you have him?"
"Yeah, Scully, he's safe and sound in his cage."
"Good, because I need your help getting out of here."
Scully began to back out of the vent. The hem of her skirt caught and halted her progress. Of all the damn days to not have worn slacks.
"Mulder, I'm stuck."
She felt his hands on her calves. He began tugging.
"Damn Scully, what have you been eating. You're really stuck in there. You might want to lay off the ice cream."
If he weren't her salvation, she'd kick him in the chest. Maybe later.
Mulder continued to tug.
"Pull harder!"
"No use Scully. What's caught?"
"The hem of my skirt."
"Let me see if I can get it loose," he moved closer and tried to free the caught fabric. "Got it."
Before he could get a good hold of her legs, Scully pushed. Fortunately, he was able to recover in time to catch her, but lost his balance in the process. They came down in a heap on the floor. Unfortunately, before they could right themselves, AD Skinner entered the office.
Now, here is where they get themselves into some serious trouble. Like I said earlier, there is some speculation among bureau employees as to the real nature of their partnership. This includes AD Skinner. Well...There they were. Mulder was flat on his back with his partner straddling him, her back to him. Take a minute to picture it if you have to...
"I would like to know what the hell..." Skinner started, but after taking in the appearance of his two agents, turned and left, closing the door behind him.
He came back upstairs laughing his ass off. I was totally caught of guard. That man never laughs. He'll smile once in a while, and even chuckle now and then, but he never out and out laughs. I mean a full belly laugh. He stopped at my desk and just looked at me, then continued into his office.
A few minutes later, he called me into his office.
"Sit down, Kimberly. I need to share this with someone. Now, this doesn't leave this office..."
And thus, he related to me the scene he had just witnessed.
All this was yesterday. Damian now sits quietly on my desk, and the agents sit fidgeting on the couch. I'm sure this meeting will go like all the others. They go in, they come out, and Skinner chuckles until it is time for him to go home.
Before I came to work for AD Skinner, I worked on the second floor.
If you had asked me then how I felt about my job, I would have told you to screw off. Now, since these two agents have become fixtures in my life, work is never boring. I get to see the sides of them that no one else gets to see.
"Kimberly, send in Agents Mulder and Scully please," the voice of my boss crackles through the intercom, "and send in Damian as well."
"Yes, Sir," I reply.
I look at the hamster on my desk, and then at the two agents across from me.
Damn, I love my job.
END