A/N: Hey guys. New story. All my other ones are on hiatus because my laptop's broken and they are on there... T.T BUT it's going to get fixed ASAP and they'll be uploaded in no time. This story is going to be crossed with another one of mine but more details on that at the end. And BTW, I am going to change my pen name from "Night Sparkle" to "Twoleftfeet".
Disclaimer: I don't own digimon. How many times do I have to say it?! Geez...you'd think they would get it by now.
A frail, pale, purple haired boy was looking at himself in a mirror as he had every morning for a year. He touched his cheek gently. Then touched the ends of his hair.
'You're not him anymore,' he thought to himself.
He caressed the purple bags under his eyes with a single finger. He cursed his fair skin.
"Ken?" A soft woman's voice called.
He sighed.
He broke his gaze away from the mirror's reflection and looked to the closed, locked door.
"Yes?" He yelled.
"Hurry up honey. You'll be late."
"All right."
He sighed again and quickly glanced at his skinny image before opening and exiting the bathroom. He stepped into the kitchen and saw his dad eating and reading the newspaper and his mom cooking at the stove. He sat down in the nearest chair out of habit. He rarely ate breakfast anymore.
He didn't eat mainly for two reasons; He wasn't hungry, but he had been a picky eater since childhood anyway, and he wanted to see if his parents would notice...they hadn't.
"Honey, you hungry?"
"No, thanks mom."
He had long ago stopped calling her 'mama'. She'd cried the first time he stopped, but he had just pretended he hadn't noticed.
"Are you sure? I made your favorite."
According to her, everything was his "favorite".
"Really, I'm fine. I ate a lot at dinner," a blatant lie. "I have to leave early anyway to study with Daisuke-san."
Another lie.
"Speaking of studying," his father looked up from the paper. "How'd you do on that test? That chemistry test."
"You mean my Japanese test?"
"How'd you do?"
"Uh...I don't know. The teacher hasn't handed it back yet."
He saw his father give him a disbelieving look.
"But," he began quickly. "She's supposed to hand it back today or tomorrow."
Ken clutched at his sleeves in his lap, hidden by the table. His father always could guess when Osamu used to lie.
"Did you do well?" His father asked calmly, folding the paper.
"I don't know."
"Does that mean you did bad?"
"No, I'm not sure. It was hard."
"Don't forget that long talk we had."
"No dad."
"It's about time you started raising those grades of yours again. You're intelligent, but just lazy. You need to start buckling down like you did before...that incident."
His father was referring to the running away and amnesia, when the digidestined had unraveled his evil empire, a long time ago.
His father had been so shaken up by that, that he had attended counseling sessions on how to raise children. Also had read countless of books, and was now convinced that the only way to prevent this from happening again, he would have to be stricter and set more guidelines. He always blamed himself and it didn't make matters better that as of recent months, Ken's grades had been slipping. Grades from A's to B's to now an occasional C and rare A.
He now forbade Ken to lock his door, or even close it. He also took away his computer and moved it to the family room. Ken had to always tell his mother where he was going, whom was he going with, where he could be reached, and what time he planned to return. Things had definitely changed in the Ichijouji residence.
Ken walked toward the door and opened it
"I want to see that test tonight!" His father yelled after him.
"If she gives it to us today I will!" Ken yelled back.
He closed the door. He unconsciously walked out into the street, constantly thinking of a way to break the news to his dad about his failing test that was in his backpack. It seemed to be burning a hole in his very being.
"What am I going to do?" He asked no one.
###########
Chemistry class was coming to an end uneventfully. No other digidestined had noticed anything was wrong with him that morning, and he secretly wished they had. Especially Daisuke.
His parents had decided that it would be better to move out of the city so Ken could be closer to the only best friends he's ever had. It had been a huge sacrifice his parents made and the choice topic for many arguments between the two. He had pretended he hadn't noticed. But still was thankful, mind you.
As of now, he was busily working on an assignment that originally should have taken twenty minutes. He still had nothing solved. Just many doodles he would erase later and pencil shavings.
"Here are your progress reports." The teacher addressed the class. Ken looked up lazily from his work.
"This shows every graded assignment and quiz thus far. Remember, if you are failing, get this paper signed by a parent or guardian. You still have three more weeks to raise your grades before the final."
She began to call each student individually to her desk. He tried to draw his focus back to his work but just succeeded in biting his nails to their nubs.
"Ichijouji Ken."
He stood on shaky legs and walked in front of the desk.
"Here you go," she handed him the paper. "Please return it Monday."
He nodded and did not glance at it. He sat down, feeling the tension and anxiety pulling at his stomach. He looked down, knowing he would have to eventually.
All his coursework was there. He skimmed through them all nervously. A couple of zeros...
The final average?
....
...
..
.
43%
F.
Failure.
He looked at it blankly.
What should he do?
Cry?
Yell?
Persuade the teacher to change his grade?
He did not know what to do. This was the first failing class grade in his entire academic life.
'Am I really becoming stupider? A few months ago a 'B' would have been unheard of.'
The bell rang, startling him. He stuffed it randomly into his bag.
##########
"The party's still on, right Ken?" Miyako asked. "You haven't mentioned it all day."
'The party! I had completely forgotten!'
"Y-yes. Of course."
"Great! Don't forget you have to sing at least one song!"
"Uh...I don't know-"
"Great! See you there."
Ken just sweat dropped as she walked away down the street outside the school. He walked in the opposite direction to his new apartment.
It was his turn to host the digidestined gathering. But he had forgotten to remind his mom. Hopefully she had remembered that today had been a half-day (due to teacher workshops) and that the party was today.
##########
"Ken dear, what time are your friends going to come over?"
'She had remembered.'
"Um...around two-ish."
"Well, your father and I are going to the movies then dinner so you can have the house to yourselves."
Ken felt guilt harden his stomach. His failing grades were just a few feet away from her and she was trusting him to be alone so the gang would be more comfortable.
"I better get ready." He simply stated.
"All right." He turned around. "Oh, and the pizza should be here soon honey."
He stiffened and walked to his room. He closed and locked his door to "change" but fell face first on to his bed. He let his backpack slip off. He felt a tremendous pressure in his chest. The kind he had felt only twice. When Osamu died, and when the digidestined tried to befriend him after the "incident", to quote his father. He was so confused and conflicted. He sat up and began to pace the room, madly. He kept pulling at his coat sleeves. It was building and building.
'What am I going to do? I feel so trapped.'
He began to rub his arms, almost in a mad-like state. He paced to the door and unlocked it.
'Why did I go to the door?'
He still didn't remove his hand. He closed his eyes as he felt his stomach gnawing away. The pressure had spread to his head. It was specifically strong behind the eyes.
He glanced around his room. Everything was dead. Nothing could help him here. He opened the door and stepped into the hallway.
'Now what?' He didn't see his mom. He quietly closed his door and headed to the bathroom. This was the only room that his father is allowing to remain closed. He locked the door and sank to the floor. He looked around and in defeat decided to take a bath.
.
Half an hour later he was drying slowly off. He was now simply in his boxers. He leaned against the sink and stared at his reflection subjectively. He had to look away in disgust from what he saw. He couldn't stand himself but he was disturbed by these thoughts and looked at the sink and its various objects, toothbrush, comb, safety pin, cologne, hair gel, toothpaste, soap. Everything ordinary. Like him.
He picked up the comb but promptly brushed away at the idea, no pun intended. The force in his body was still intense. He just needed to release it, or he wasn't sure what would happen. He clenched his hands and jaw.
He was seeing spots in his vision. He picked up the safety pin, opened it and slashed once at his arm.
Time froze.
He snapped awake, so much that everything seemed surreal.
'Oh my God. Oh my God. What have I done?!'
He let the pin fall. He stared at the cut. It wasn't bleeding. Just a small, thin line of swollen red.
'I-I-I...wh-'
"Ken?"
'Oh no! Mom! What should I do?!'
He frantically looked around. Looking for an escape, stupidly.
"Ken? We're leaving now."
"O-okay mom!" He yelled from the opposite side of the door. He pressed his body against it. Keeping his hand firmly on the knob, despite the fact it was locked.
"Call if you need anything!"
"I-I will!"
He stayed silent until he heard the front door close. He breathed a small sigh of relief and picked up the pin. He almost trembled at the sight of it and tossed it in the trash.
'Nothing happened.'
#############
Most of the digidestined had made it, along with the pizza. Ken had had to hide it from Taichi and Yamato. Miyako was becoming extremely anxious to start the karaoke but Daisuke wasn't here yet.
"When is he going to get here?!" Miyako whined. Ken shyly smiled. Her hyper-ness made him laugh.
"Yeah. I'm hungry. Have you found the pizza yet Tai?" Yamato yelled.
"No!" He replied from the kitchen. "You hid it well this time Ichijouji!"
"Ken, why's your computer out here?" Koushiro asked.
"Oh, my dad took a course on them and now he uses it more than I do."
Tai emerged from the kitchen, defeated.
"Where's Dai? He was supposed to be here an hour ago." Tai remarked.
"How am I supposed to know?" Matt retorted.
The doorbell rang.
"That will probably be him," Kari said with a smile on her face.
Ken opened the door. A very cold Daisuke was standing there, blowing into his cupped hands.
"Thanks." He said.
"Good, now that we are all here," Tai looked at Daisuke.
"Sorry," Daisuke interrupted. "I had to finish some chores first."
"Let's get this party started! I brought karaoke!" cried Miyako.
Most of the digidestined cheered.
Ken hoped to get a chance to speak with Dai about...what had happened earlier. He would understand. All Ken really needed right now was to release this weight. He pulled at his sleeves.
"Help me set this up, Iori." Miyako asked. She was pulling the cords apart.
Ken headed to the kitchen and opened a cabinet that was virtually hidden by his mom's plants. He extracted three large pizza boxes and took them to the dining room. Yamato and Taichi practically jumped him.
"Careful Ken, my bro's capable of eating your hand of." Takeru chuckled.
'I wish he would.'
###########
Ken was sitting by himself sipping his drink very slowly. Everyone was a few feet away from him, gathered around the television set, waiting for his or her turn to sing. He was concentrating on the ice cubes, thinking about nothing and everything. Several people had come up to him, trying to start a conversation, but he still remembered from his earlier days how to prevent one from beginning. Yamato had come up to him several times, which he found rather odd.
Daisuke flopped down next to Ken on the couch.
"Having fun?" He asked Daisuke.
He was the only person he wanted to talk to tonight. Maybe he would think of a way to sneak the topic subtlety.
"Yeah Ken! A blast!"
"I'm glad." He looked at his cup again.
"What's the matter Ken?" Daisuke was never one to beat around the bush.
Ken didn't look up.
'Maybe this wasn't a good idea. It would be rude of me to dampen the party.'
"Nothing."
Daisuke sighed.
"I've known you long enough to know when something's wrong. You can tell me."
"Well," he began hesitantly.
'But...he is my best friend. I can trust him with anything. And I know I probably won't be able to do it later.'
He pulled at his sleeves again, trying to gather courage. He moved the cup near the area where the cut was under his long sleeves.
"Actually-" He needed to do it now, before he lost his bravery.
'Damn. I'm just Kindness. Not Courage.'
"Daisuke!" Takeru interrupted. "It's your turn again!"
Daisuke glanced up toward the group gathered around the television.
"No it isn't! I just went!"
"We want to hear another song!" Iori called.
"All right, all right. Hold on."
"Go ahead." Ken said with a smile. An unnoticeably sad smile.
'It's not that important.'
Daisuke kept staring at him.
"No really. I'll just call you later."
'I'm not really that important.'
"Come on Daisuke!" Koushiro yelled.
"Are you sure Ken?"
"Yeah, yeah. Go ahead."
Daisuke nodded solemnly and headed over.
"What should I sing?" He asked with a great grin on his face.
Ken watched from afar. He sighed and got up. He needed to be alone for a few minutes. The bathroom. No suspicions would arise there.
"Where are you going Ken?" Yamato stopped him.
"Um..." He looked down. "Just to the restroom, Ishida-san."
"You don't have to call me that. Are you feeling okay?"
"Yes. Um...Excuse me."
He tiptoed around the elder digidestined. Yamato kept staring after him. Ken meekly smiled before locking the door.
Once inside, he felt the pain again. He wasn't going to do anything about it.
'It will go away on its own.'
He emerged ten minutes later. Not feeling different or refreshed, but with a better level of control. He managed a smile.
"Anyone want ice cream?" He asked.
#########
One thing he loved about his friends was their ability to make him laugh. He actually began to relax. For the first time in months he was starting to feel at ease. Maybe his hair wouldn't fall out tonight when he brushed it. He was almost forgetting the... accident.
"Hey guys!"
Ken looked up at Daisuke from the floor, from which they were all sitting. Tai and Matt were wrestling.
"I'm leaving now."
Ken's euphoria came crashing down.
'Oh no! He can't leave now! I feel happier when he's around!'
"I'll walk you out." Ken stood up and led Daisuke to the door.
"You sure you have to leave now?"
"Yes."
"You could call your parents from here."
"No, no," Daisuke said quickly. "I really must go. But it was fun."
He gave Ken a quick hug.
"All right. Just call me when you get home. I want to talk to you."
'It's urgent.'
"Cool. See ya."
"Bye. Be careful." Ken carefully shut the door.
He shamefully cursed Daisuke.
He walked back.
"So Ken, what's your funniest, most embarrassing story?" Yamato asked.
Obviously him and Tai had finished.
"I don't have one."
"Sure you do!" Miyako said.
"Don't be shy." Jyou insisted.
"I'm sorry I don't." He was beginning to get uncomfortable.
"Please! I want to hear a story form the great Ichijouji Ken."
"Don't call me that!" He unexpectedly snapped at Iori.
They all gaped.
"I'm-I'm so sorry! I-I'm sorry!" He bowed low and ran to the kitchen.
##########
The party had finished early...
He was so embarrassed. It had ended because of the horrendous way he acted. After the sudden outburst he had emerged with a bowl of chips and had tried to act like nothing had happened. It was becoming a bad habit.
'I should have been more friendlier! Not so moody! This was a party, and we can only do it once a month!'
He was now sitting in his desk, with two papers in front.
His parents had arrived as everyone was leaving. At the moment, his father was on the computer.
He looked at the papers once more. In the back of his mind he hoped they would just magically change. Ken took a deep breath and headed toward the family room, papers in tow.
"Dad?" He asked carefully.
"Yes?"
"Are you busy?"
"No, I'm done. What is it son?" He turned in his chair and faced him.
"I..."
'You're such a weakling.'
"I...needed..."
'Maybe he would go easy on me. It IS my first time.'
"Yes Ken...?"
"To show this. I'm sorry. I tried very hard and it just didn't turn out at all like I had wanted but I promise that-"
"Whoa, wait. Slow down. Show me what?"
Ken handed him the papers. His father seemed perplexed at first then stared at them very solemnly once he realized what they were showing.
"What is the meaning of this?"
"Dad, I tried-"
"No, you know what? Don't say anything. I don't want to hear you speak. Just...just... leave. Get out of my sight." His father's eyes darted frantically around the papers.
Ken nodded and walked away. He had never seen his father so...so... sickened.
He went to the bathroom, locked the door and reached into the trashcan.
He stared at the safety pin. He lifted his sleeve.
'Where am I going?'
He grabbed it tightly and sunk it deeply into his forearm and dragged it across. It was pain.
Good pain. It seemed to channel his own confusion to a thing he could actually see.
Yet, once again like before, it brought him back. But he was shaken up by his actions. Blood was seeping through a new line across his arm.
'What the hell?! I'm...I'm sick! Twisted, sick, demented person.'
Something tickled his cheek and he quickly brushed it away. It was just a residual tear.
Or maybe an actual tear.
'Daisuke! Please call!'
He rubbed at his arms. He couldn't call Dai himself. The only phones in the house were in the kitchen or his parents' bedroom.
His dad was in the kitchen/family room, and his mother was probably reading a book in bed.
If someone called him, they gave him privacy. But only when someone called, not when he dialed.
'Please call me! Call me! I need help! Help.'
He sank down to the floor, wishing he still had the control, intelligence, and strength of the Kaiser.
###########
.
Oh man. I'm so sorry. I promise the next chapters will be better. I finished this late at night. Anywho, this is crossed posted with my other story, "Forgivable". In other words, if you want to see what happens with Daisuke go there and if you're happy with Ken angst stick here. You won't need to read both to understand the stories themselves but they will be weaving in and out. I thought it would be fun to try this. Hopefully it'll work.