The Process
Mikia
Author's Note: This story came to me while I was on vacation. I had just finished reading OoTP for the tenth billionth time, when I realized something. Despite the fact how much Cho got on my nerves, after finishing the book, I realized that I had something very similar to her. This story will be continued!!!! I have no intention of getting writer's block on this one. This is for my friends, who have tolerated my heartbreak over Andy for the past 4 years. And for Cho-who ended up being the character that I could relate to the most (even though my circumstances were far less serious then hers.) I do not own HP, so that's it. This story will be continued until the day comes that Cho and I no longer have to hurt.....
July 15th-18th, 2004
My hope has vanished. A part of me has been devoured by the tragedy of life. My dreams of what life could have been like have been banished to a netherworld where I cannot reach while still sane. Why can't I move on? I try to live my life, try finding other boys who might help take away my sadness, but even by doing that I feel like I stained my memory of him. I, Cho Chang, the girl Cedric Diggory left behind, will forever mourn him. Yet I don't want to.
Let this be a record of a girl in a world of doubt. The teachers might think that I'm merely overreacting, being the irrational teenage girl they have been dealing with for years. How can I explain to them? How can I tell him that my mind wants to move on so badly, yet my heart nourishes the roots of my grief into a memory that plunges into the depths of my soul.
I feel out of place. My mask has slipped many times-in front of my team, in front of my friends, teachers, and even those who I have considered potential objects of my affection. So many times I have begged to God to just erase him from my thoughts, yet as I suffer I grow stronger. Yet I am weak-weak as I think of him, weak as I hear him my head, and nearly as weak when I turn around I almost think he was there.
Cedric, leave me alone. Leave my dreams and let me move on with my life. Let me find a new person to love, and discontinue my burning flame of loss as my hopes for us are nothing more then spirits. Cedric, I will always love you, but it is time for me to let go of my pain, my darkened hope, and of you. I can't continue to live my life being jealous of couples, wanting to be with someone, but what had been us is my rain cloud, my nagging shadow. Diary, help me let go of him as I continue to write in your pages. Cedric, let this summer be the time where I can move on.
July 24th, 2004
Diary, it seems that I have been better. I thought about what I could write to you today, and then I realized that I have improved much since the day it happened. I find myself less thinking of him, and wondering about the future. There of course is the harsh reality of what the future might have been like if Cedric was living, yet the pain doesn't linger in the paths of my mind like it did some time ago. It's going to take awhile before I can think of Cedric in happiness, but this is what I have you for, to be a friend and tool in a long path of letting go and waking up to a brighter and newer life.
I spoke days ago to one of my friends whom I consider the greatest friend I ever had. We spoke for some time, and I found myself talking about Cedric all over again. It came to me that I realized something. It seems that I seem to be clinging to his memory so much is because-well-I enjoy thinking about him. I love remembering the way he laughed, the way he talked, walk, everything. Those pieces of him haven't escaped my memory, and yet as much as those memories bring me pain, I love remembering those odds and ends about him that I never considered important while he was alive.
I know it may sound odd diary that I just love remembering, but it's been doing some positive use. You remember what I put in my earlier entry, of course there are days where I'm like that, but that's starting to be a rare occasion. It will definitely be this year diary; this year will be the time where life is going to be brand new.
August 6th, 2004
I feel sick to my stomach. I had a dream about you Cedric a few days ago. You spoke so kindly to me, so lovingly Cedric I ended up angry once again at the fact you were robbed from life. In the dream, you told me I was beautiful, intelligent, and someone no one should ever let go of. Yet, here I am, trying to release you from me.
I guess my progress of leaving you would have ended up taking a down hill slide one way or another. I am once again unnerved by your presence in my time of peace. I thought in my dreams I can escape you, but you were always so clever. Your in my head, you make my stomach curl in coils, and I can't help but feel as if we belonged together. I'm going insane Cedric. I hate you so much yet I love you.