Final Fantasy Cookie
Prelude
Memories are precious things. If they are forgotten, then what once was can never exist again. If memories are distorted, then what once was becomes a falsity. That is why is is important to preserve the truth of memory. If we remember something as it wasn't, then the past becomes unknown. The truth must be uncovered as the flaky covering of lies must be broken away like crumbs to reveal the sweet, gooey, chocolate chip of truth that resides within.
Final Fantasy IX is a memory that is nothing more than a falsity. Once more, it is my job to open everyone's eyes to Square's foul deeds. They have made Final Fantasy IX into a pretty little fairy tale about a monkey-man, a princess, a quest for love, and a quest for the truth behind the past and existence itself. This is such a pretty little story, but the real tale is not by any means so pretty.
The happy-go-lucky, ever helpful, thief known as Zidane Tribal is actually a grumpy, alcoholic street performer slash mime, named Gill Mamfield. He works with a host of actors, musicians, and other performers as a member of the Tempura Threatre Company.
Princess Garnet til AlexaMcSomething XVII is still the fairest maiden in the land, however, she talks... a lot... She also seems to get in trouble quite frequently. Her name isn't really Garnet, of course. It's Williamina (the king and queen wanted a son). Williamina resides in the luxurious kingdom of Kelly with her only living relative, her mother, Queen Mel. Mel's beauty is considered to surpass that of her daughter's. Well, you would consider it if you were a fat orangutan.
Then there's the one with more curvaceous hips than even Garnet. That's right, Kuja. He is a very different person than what is portrayed in Final Fantasy IX. Lumbing, as he is properly named, stinks and collects buckets. He still looks like a girl, though.
The army of black mages aren't quite as one would remember. They're more pink than black. And they aren't quite mages, but rather they're more like big rabbits with hats.
Moogles are pretty much the same. Like chocobos, Square wouldn't dare screw around with them. As such, Mognet is virtually unchanged... Well... Almost...
The geography of Gaia (actually called Gormo) is very different. The kingdom of Kelly is made up of the city (which shares the same name), the Not-So-Nice Forest, and the Chilly Cavern. There's also the town of Dali, which is actually is a thriving metropolis based on agriculture and UFO sightings. Nearby lies Treno, which has gone bankrupt because of too much frivolous spending. Apparently, they believed that the city needed new shoes. No, not the citizens, but the very city itself. The city council isn't quite in the right mind.
Lindblum is run by the right and just Regent Chazzy XVIII. The kingdom is rightfully called Waffle Land. Their national food, animal, flower, and beverage is the waffle.
Nearby is Burmonkia. It is a small place with a few dozen citizens. Practically everyone left for Clayre (no, not Cleyra) when their leader decided that all of their locks should be bells instead. After a series of break-ins, no one was really all that comfortable sticking around. So, the kingdom has become a realm of thieves and bell makers.
Beyond this, very little is known about Gormo. The reason why the lands outside are so unknown, is because of the Mist. It remains fairly consistent between Square's fantasy and the truth. There's more to it, however, than simple mist. People were just too lazy to do things like "explore" or "make maps". Such concepts are foreign to most Gormoans. These mysterious continents shall be revealed unto you here, though. There's no reason to suffer due to Gormoan idiocy.
The Outer Continent is a lot more annoying to get around due to the mole people of Conde Petie. They have traps from the Iffy Tree to the Donut Palace. Not only this, but in the north, the moogles are wild and untamed. They are said to be vicious, blood thirsty creatures. They're the only crazy moogles in the world though. The rest are fairly regular.
The Forgotten and Lost Continents... Well, no one is quite sure how, but someone forgot where the Forgotten Continent was, and someone else misplaced the Lost Continent. How someone can just "misplace" a continent, I'll never know. I mean, I can see forgetting one, but losing one entirely? At any rate, I'm sure they'll turn up eventually.
The real world of Final Fantasy IX is a strange and confusing one. It is as intricate as cookie dough, and twice as tasty. In order to truly understand it, one must first read this tale...