Chapter Three: Not-So-Nice
"This is not good."
"Very good this is!"
"No, no, no! I said not good!"
"Yes, yes, yes! Heard you say good, I did!"
"Imbecile. At any rate, Queen Mel must not know!"
"A smart idea, that is! Tell Queen Mel, we must!"
Two short, little men in jesters outfits were arguing before a set of great oak doors. One, the one that seemed most irritated and pessimistic, wore yellow stripes and a dual pointed hat with silver-grey bells on it. His curly, yellow shoes were also adorned with bells that made him jingle when he moved about. He had a sharp, pointy nose, sunken cheek bones, and dark, beady eyes. His skin was deathly pale. It was almost as if he wore an elongated skull on his shoulders. Indeed, it was on his shoulders, for his neck was either covered by his unusual attire, or else it was indistinguishable from his head. His companion, more optimistic and a bit of an air head, looked nearly identical. He was a tad wider than the other jester, and his pants didn't fit quite right for, from his knobby knees to his ankles, he was completely bare. His outfit was also a different colour. His stripes were bright green, and had a certain glow-in-the-dark quality to them.
The jester in yellow stepped in front of the doors, and held out his arms in an attempt to block his fellow jester. "Zorn, I won't let you pass."
"Let me pass, you will, Thorn!" the green jester, Zorn, responded. He then charged at Thorn. He tackled him. The two came crashing into the royal box. They rolled down two sets of steps and down to either side of Queen Mel.
"What are you two doing? You're interrupting the show!" Mel shouted furiously.
"I told you this was bad!" Thorn shouted at Zorn.
"Happy, will Queen Mel be, when she hears the news!" Zorn cried in response.
"Shut up, both of you! Tell me what you have to say and begone!" Mel fumed.
"Found, Princess Williamina, has been!" Zorn blurted.
"Well good, now let me finish watching the play."
"Well ladies and gentlemen, that's the show! Good night!" Baka called out to the audience. He then turned and shouted down into the ship. "Chi-zu, get us out of here!"
Things on the stage were utter chaos now. Puke was attached to Hobsfeld's leg, gnawing on it fiercely while he tried cleaving Gill and Hakushi. They proceeded to defend themselves by tacking Hobsfeld and pummelling him.
"You've made me miss the ending! You accursed little jesters!" Queen Mel roared.
"Majesty, not all, is that! Not here is Williamina! On stage, she is!" Zorn told her, before getting beaten over the head.
"What? You mean they're about to leave with my daughter? Blow them out of the sky!"
The castle was sent into a tizzy. In a mere moment, cannons were being shot at the defenceless theatre ship. The entire vessel quaked as mighty grappling hooks were shot into its sides. It struggled to pull away and it was working, but as the grappling hooks were being torn out, the ship was being ripped to shreds. Smoke started to pour out across the audience.
"Fire fire fire! Send it to the ground as a flame across the sky!" Mel yelled.
Another grappling hook shot forth and collided heavily with the airship. It heaved violently and several people were thrown off, including Puke.
"Remember meee! I may make a brief appearance later, and I don't want to have to reintroduce myseeelf..!" Puke called as he plummeted.
"Show them... The Bomb!"
A giant cannon was then aimed at the airship. A mighty explosion rocketed towards it, spitting forth a great beast comprised of pure flame. Its fiery tongue licked its teeth hungrily, as its giant claws began digging into the side of the ship. Suddenly, as if from nowhere, a purple creature wearing a chef's hat and apron jumped at the flaming monster. In but a few moments it seemed to devour it, and as the creature fell back to the earth it sounded as if it said, "Yum! Cajun style!"
With "The Bomb" dealt with, the airship broke free from the final grappling hook. It sped off as quickly as possible, leaving behind a trail of broken boards and smoke. It sailed past the city of Kelly, down below the mist, and at last crashed amidst the darkness of the forest.
When Gill regained consciousness, he found himself in the dark shade of many gnarled and twisted trees. He must have been thrown from the ship in the crash. Slowly, he got to his feet and brushed himself off. His head was aching, wretchedly. He wasn't entirely sure if it was from the fall or from a hangover.
He saw the wreckage of the theatre ship ahead. It was ruined. Smoke rose up from dampened areas where fire had been washed out. Gill slowly made his approach to the ship, wondering how bad things were on the inside.
He entered the ship and found it in shambles. Everything was strewn about and broken. He walked along, finding some parts of the ship unreachable due to the destruction. As he entered a familiar room he found a most horrific sight.
"Nooo!!" he screamed. "My ale! My fraggin' fraggin' ale! Why?!" He fell to his knees and sobbed as he looked down at the broken bottles of booze before him.
"Y'know Gill, I'm tired of your screw ups," Baka's voice said from behind Gill. "Because of you, the ship is ruined, we don't have Mel, and my dragon head has been lost!"
Gill turned around and saw Baka without the mask. His face had more hair than the top of his head. He had a big, brown beard, and his scalp was shiny and bald. He wore some foggy goggles that looked like they were impossible to see out of. Behind the fur was an angry expression. "Gill, you're out of Tempura."
"What? No! I need Tempura! Where else can a mime like me get work?" He started to grovel at Baka's feet.
"I'm sorry to do this to you Gill, but this is the way it has to be. So long."
Gill silently stood and walked out, hanging his head in shame. He passed by the other members of Tempura who all wore sad expressions.
"Sorry to see you go, Gill. We'll miss you," Chi-zu said.
Goba advised, "Be careful out there, Gill. They say that here in the Not-So-Nice Forest, no one gets out without losing their self-esteem."
Hakushi didn't say anything. He couldn't even look up at Gill as he walked by.
As he exited the ship, he heard the members of the Tempura band call out. "Gill's gone! Celebrate!" A spunky polka march began to emanate from the ship. Gill sighed. They really didn't care about him at all, he thought as he started to walk through the swampish forest.
He heard a yelp. Climbing up a hill, he found the source of the cry. He saw Evee, Hobsfeld, and the woman he had been chasing. The woman was being held captive by a very unnice beast. It was some sort of outhouse with legs. She was yelling frantically.
"Oh, the smell!" she exclaimed. She pressed her face against the crescent moon opening, trying to get fresh air. "It's like being smothered in a thousand rotten eggs after they've been swimming in fish guts and donkey manure! Someone help me! This wretched smell shall be the death of me if something is not done soon! Oh, how I wish I never tried to escape the castle, or swing upon an airship doomed to be smashed by my mother's will! Oh, if only I had not been thrown from the ship, perhaps I would not be doomed to die this way! Oh my!"
While Williamina was talking, Evee and Hobsfeld worked together to destroy the outhouse wearing beast. The princess was shot out and landed in the arms of Gill, while the beast let out a boisterous noise and a toxic fume billowed forth. The Knight of Bacchus and the pink rabbit gasped and fell to the ground.
The princess was still wearing the hooded garment she was wearing before, though the hood was no longer over her head. Her creamy skin seemed to illuminate the dimness and her large, brown eyes glistened. She had long, brown hair, that spun a magnificent braid down past the small of her back. Her bare, silky legs emanated a warm, soothing heat, much like the rest of her stunning physique.
"It's you!" Gill and Williamina exclaimed in unison. The monkey-man dropped the princess to the ground. He then proceeded to walk away from her rather quickly.
"Hey! Get back here! It's because of you that I'm in this mess!" She caught up to him and grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop. "If you weren't chasing me across the castle then I wouldn't have had to escape to that airship!"
"How do you know it was me?" he retorted.
"You're still wearing the regulation thong of the guards..."
Gill was taken aback. "Er.. How? What? Me? Uhn... Erg.... Errkers!" he stammered. He was met with a laugh.
"So, since this is all your fault, you have to get me out of it!" she exclaimed.
"Just great," he sighed. He started to walk in the direction that he thought might provide a quick escape from the forest. It was then that Williamina stopped him again.
"Wait! We have to help Hobsfeld and the rabbit! They need help! They deserve it, after rescuing the fair Princess Williamina from certain death!"
"Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?"
"Because I like to hear my name. Anyway, let's go see if they're all right. Come on, don't just stand there. Who knows what that monster could have done to them."
They walked to the armoured man and the pink rabbit. They were slowly regaining consciousness. They looked like they were fine, if not a little dazed. For the rest of their lives, however, on the anniversary of that foul day, they suddenly emanated a very strange, and disturbingly vile, scent.
The two got to their feet, and looked at one another. "I have never in my days seen the manipulation of fire performed with such mastery. Your skills are truly amazing, sir. If it wasn't for your efforts, the princess may have been killed. What is your name?" asked a humbled Hobsfeld.
"Call me Evee," responded the rabbit.
"Not just Evee, but Master Evee, Lord of Flame and Mighty Rabbit of Judgement!"
"Erm... Just plain old Evee is fine."
"Very well, Master Evee."
"No, no, y'see-"
"You!" Hobsfeld at last got a glimpse of Gill. "You are under arrest for kidnapping the princess!"
"Oh Hobsfeld, he didn't kidnap me. I wanted to leave, anyway," Williamina said, immediately stepping in.
"What?!"
"It's so boring in the castle. Besides, my real passion is for acting! That's why I'm going to Waffle Land!"
"Princess, please, I must insist that we return to Kelly."
"No! My decision is final. Now, I'm leaving with Gill to Waffle Land. You two can come along if you wish." At that point, she turned and began trekking through the forest, grabbing Gill by his tail and dragging him along.
"I cannot allow the princess to go off alone with that scoundrel. Once we get out of this forest, I shall formulate a plan. Master Evee, will you accompany me and help return the princess to her rightful place?"
"Well, uh... Yeah, I guess," was the rabbit's reply.
"Very good! Now, let us go!" Hobsfeld took a couple of steps and let out a shout. "Ahh! Cobwebs! They're in my hair!"
"You wear a helmet," Gill said, with a sigh.
"That doesn't mean they can't get in my hair!"
As they journeyed through the darkened woods, it seemed as if creatures from beyond the path were speaking to them. They spoke in rough voices, barely able to create the proper sounds for speech. There seemed like a great cackling from above them, and a muffled giggle from the cold earth beneath their feet.
"You stink! Hahaha!"
"Hehehe! Hey Shorty, why not try being less short? Hahah!"
"Gawd, that armour is sooooo last season. Loser!"
"Hey, baby, maybe you should try shaving your legs once in while! Hoohahahoo!"
"Yo, what's with that tail? You trying to compensate for something? Mahaha!"
The voices overlapped with laughter as the four walked as quickly as they could, hanging their heads as they went. They didn't look up at the forest or respond. They weren't going to give it the satisfaction of a reaction. After all, like the common bully, it was only a reaction that the forest was after. That, and maybe their lunch money.
They soon found themselves in the thickest part of the forest. Before them they saw some creature curled up and breathing heavily. The group slowly stepped towards it, unsure of what sort of not-so-niceness this thing might carry. Gill stepped ahead of the others to examine the creature as he was as curious as the rest of them. The thing began to shift and a horrid smell began to emanate from it. Gasping, he stepped away from the thing as it uncurled and rose up to a towering height above them.
The creature turned towards the group and it fumed with a cold, hissing laugh. The entire creature was made of mouldy cheese, and its pungent stench hit the group and sent them staggering away. It lifted its large blockish arms and roared as it lumbered towards the group.
Williamina couldn't take the smell any longer. She began to gasp and cough. She fell backwards, unconscious. Hobsfeld immediately went to her side. "Princess! Princess!"
"It looks like we'll have to fight this thing," Evee said, full of determination.
"Oh great," Gill sighed. "Well, let's do this thang!"
"Thang?" Hobsfeld asked, puzzled.
"Yeah... It's kind of like a slang term for 'thing'."
"Oh, I see. So, we're going to do the monster?"
"Well, not do it like, do it, but do it like, fight it."
"Oh, of course."
"Guys, a little help!" Evee exclaimed. He was being swung about by the creature in a most unpleasant fashion. Gill quickly stepped in with an amazingly skilful kick that got it to get go of the poor rabbit.
Angered, the monster swung a massive fist at Gill, but, with another amazing show of skill, he avoided the blow. Evee cast a fire spell on the monster and it slowly began to melt. Gill, seizing the opportunity to attack while the beast was melting, mimed a whip. To the shock of those present, the mimed weapon was effective against the beast as it cried out in agony when it cracked across its mouldy skull. Hobsfeld proceeded jumped at the beast and tried to cut it open with his sword. As the blade cut into the monster's stomach, a new stench burst forth.
"No, you fool! You cut the cheese!" Gill cried, gasping as the smell brought him to his knees.
"Oh, that was such a pathetic joke!" Hobsfeld responded indignantly. As the words were spoken he began to succumb to the smell, as well.
Evee began to choke, but managed to shout out at both of them, "Will you two cut it out! We need to find a way to stop this thing."
The mouldy beast moved in for the kill, but was suddenly stopped. He fell to the ground and atop its head stood Hakushi. He had jumped from the trees and managed to kick the creature down. Now was their chance.
"Go on Master Evee! Turn that thing into fondue!" Hobsfeld exclaimed.
The rabbit nodded and struggled through the smell. Flame erupted from his fingertips and the mighty monster was reduced to nothing more than a bubbling pool.
Hobsfeld congratulated Evee and then the two turned their attention to the princess. Gill, meanwhile, approached Hakushi.
"Why did you come here?" he asked his former comrade.
"Because, Gill, I couldn't bear to see you leave. I didn't want you to get hurt." Hakushi's eyes became watery. "I love you, Gill!"
Gill's eyes became wide. "Run!" he screamed.
"Oh, I knew it! You small minded phobe! I knew this would happen if I told you!" Hakushi cried out angrily.
"No, it's not that! Run!" Gill pointed behind Hakushi at the group of strange, leafy creatures that had emerged from the darkness. Their eyes were filled with a lust for blood and they were quickly moving in to attack the group. Everyone took that cue to run.
"Hey wait!" Gill exclaimed before they took so much as half a dozen steps. "You forgot the princess!"
Hobsfeld let out a startled cry. As the others continued to run he ran back and picked up the princess. He was just in time, too, for one of the leafy monsters was preparing to take a bite out of her.
"Hey! We were just having some fun with you, and you have to go and kill Paul! That's more than just not-so-nice! That's plain old mean!" An angered voice called from behind.
The group ran as quickly as they could through the forest, trying desperately to escape its not-so-nice clutches. It was then that they discovered that the entire forest was turning to shit, literally.
Hakushi was lagging behind the others as they ran, and the monstrous forest creatures were gaining on him. One latched onto him with a claw-like hand and several others began to pile on top of him. He struggled to break free, but couldn't do it. "Gill!" he shouted. Gill looked back and Hakushi threw a container of some type towards him. "Keep going Gill! Leave me!" Gill caught it and continued to run.
As Gill and the others escaped, Hakushi and the rest of the Not-So-Nice Forest were converted entirely into crap. As for the rest of the Tempura Theatre Company, their fate could only be guessed upon. Even if they were lost in the bowels of the forest, and were unable to escape, it wasn't too much of a loss. They were crappy actors as it was. Of course, if they didn't escape, they were even crappier actors.
The group was panting as they finally came to a stop. Hobsfeld gently set the princess down on the ground and looked back at the brown trees. He then turned to Gill, who was looking curiously at the item Hakushi gave him. "It must be sad that the man that loved you is gone."
Gill looked from the item to Hobsfeld, then to the forest behind him. "Actually, it's more of a relief than anything. It saves me having to tell him I don't feel the same way, and then the tears, and the sobbing, and the 'Why can't you give our love a chance?' It's better this way. I'm still rather surprised though. I mean, I never would have imagined that he felt that way. Of course, I never thought I'd see a gay man in musical theatre."
Hobsfeld and Evee exchanged glances. "Hey, what'd he give you, anyway?" Evee inquired.
Gill opened the container and pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper. "It has something written on it... 'Ku kupop... Kuuupa... Popokopu... Kupo!' " He looked up at the others. They were as puzzled as he was by the words. He put the paper away and walked over to the princess. "So, is she still alive?"
As if on cue, Williamina began to awake. "Oh! That thing was horrible! I'm never eating cheese again! Hey, what's that smell? And what's that sound?"
Everyone seemed curious as to what she was talking about, but that's when they heard it as well. It was a shrill sound, but no one knew precisely what it was. They felt as if there were a number of tiny eyes upon them.
"I have a bad feeling," Evee said softly. He looked from side to side. "A very bad feeling."