Ugghhh. . .okay, so here's the problem. I've gotten many comments so far
about the length of my story, but they're really confusing. To list them
out:
"It has potential, but rather short chapters."
". . .wasn't as good as your last ones. A tad bit longer. . ."
"Length is the only thing that kills these stories."
". . . shortness is what kills (and also helps) these stories."
"These are short chapters...o.o;;"
What exactly does "length kills it" mean? If you're the one who posted
that, please explain to me exactly what you meant! . .;
-
The clan sat in sober silence after Liam had explained the situation to them. They were the only silent ones in a roomful of boisterous laughter and drunken brawls. Ayame rested her head in her hands. "What we need is a fight," she mused to herself. "Something to boost our confidence that we can do this impossible task."
Liam overhead her mumblings. "Good idea," he agreed in an undertone. "Stay here, I'll see what I can do." She watched with mild interest as he stood and staggered directly into the middle of a fistfight between two Bangaa. "What's the matter, can't you two girls land a real punch?" he challenged them in a loud voice, staggering as though he were drunk. Ayame had to admire his acting. "Why, even the smallest Viera in my clan could punch better than you lizards!"
The Bangaa immediately turned scarlet with fury. "How dare you!" the bigger one roared. "I should masssh you to a pulp right now, you insssssolent ssssneak, but I'll give you one fair chanccce. My clan will beat yourssss in a battle any day!"
Liam gave him a toothy grin. "How about right now? Meet you outside the pub in ten minutes!" Lurching back to the clan, who were all gaping at him in incredulity, he gave a broad wink. "Get ready, guys. You know we can beat them all easy. Get out weapons, do upgrades, whatever you need to before the battle starts."
Ayame shook her head as she stood, grinning at him. "Bravo, bravo!" she cheered him laughingly, causing him to hang his head in mock embarrassment. "Well performed, Liam. That wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but it's better than nothing." Liam rolled his eyes at her and headed outside.
The battle was simple. The other clan was made up of mostly Bangaa, all White Monks or Warriors, but a Viera White Mage and a human Archer lurked in the back of the battlefield. They were taken out easily by Peyo and Rei. Liam took out the two weaker Bangaa with Whirlwind, a third removed by Kethburr, the Gunner. Finally Ayame's turn arrived. She chose a new attack this time, one called "Crystalguard," and lunged forward to finish off the last Bangaa. The tip of her sword began to glow ruby, against the normal sapphire flare; as it touched the Bangaa's armor, the enemy was encased in a block of rose-tinted crystal. Apparently it counted as a KO, because a judge point was added to the total in the corner of her computer.
There was suddenly a burst of light. Apparently one of the Warriors had not been killed after all, and sprang up with a malicious look on its face. Its sword hurtled down upon Ayame's head, bringing her crashing to the ground, already falling into darkness. The last thing she saw was Liam's face above her own, then all her senses dissolved into oblivion.
When she came to, hours later, she found herself in a bed-presumably somewhere in the pub-with Liam half-asleep in a chair next to her. As she tried to sit up, her head pounding sluggishly, he awoke with a start and a small smile of relief. "Welcome back," he murmured, handing her a glass of water. "We were worried about you for a few hours there."
"What. . .happened?" She felt dazed, taking a few sips of water in an attempt to clear the fog from her mind.
"That Bangaa faked a KO and hit you really hard. Unfortunately, even though your attacks are impossibly strong, you don't have much HP built up yet, so it knocked you out. Don't worry, he got a red card from the judge, probably a pretty heavy bail, too." Liam gave her a warm smile. Her heart skipped a bit and she felt lightheaded, confusing her; why was she reacting like this to just a smile from Liam? Attributing it to her muddled hangover, she smiled back, eliciting a faint pink tinge on his face in return.
Awkwardly she tried to stand, only to stumble and collapse practically on top of him. For a moment they were uncomfortably close, their faces only inches from each other; Ayame could feel his warm breath on her lips. Then they were several feet apart, mumbling some excuse or other under their breaths, before their eyes locked. They fell silent, then both started laughing, making their way out of the room side by side.
They were still chuckling as they entered the pub, where they were swarmed by the other members of their clan, all making sure Ayame was all right. Suddenly their exclamations were cut short by a call from across the room. "You two. Liam, Ayame. Come here."
The two exchanged glances, startled, having no choice but to follow the call to its source. A short, lean figure, swathed in a patched and ragged cloak, beckoned them to its table in the corner. Uneasily they seated themselves, Liam's hand resting on the hilt of his sword. "Who are you, and what do you want?" Ayame asked, voicing the question both of them were wondering.
The voice that emerged from the hood's depths was that of an adolescent male, surprising them; but not as much as the words that registered a moment later. "My name is Prince Madi."
-
The clan sat in sober silence after Liam had explained the situation to them. They were the only silent ones in a roomful of boisterous laughter and drunken brawls. Ayame rested her head in her hands. "What we need is a fight," she mused to herself. "Something to boost our confidence that we can do this impossible task."
Liam overhead her mumblings. "Good idea," he agreed in an undertone. "Stay here, I'll see what I can do." She watched with mild interest as he stood and staggered directly into the middle of a fistfight between two Bangaa. "What's the matter, can't you two girls land a real punch?" he challenged them in a loud voice, staggering as though he were drunk. Ayame had to admire his acting. "Why, even the smallest Viera in my clan could punch better than you lizards!"
The Bangaa immediately turned scarlet with fury. "How dare you!" the bigger one roared. "I should masssh you to a pulp right now, you insssssolent ssssneak, but I'll give you one fair chanccce. My clan will beat yourssss in a battle any day!"
Liam gave him a toothy grin. "How about right now? Meet you outside the pub in ten minutes!" Lurching back to the clan, who were all gaping at him in incredulity, he gave a broad wink. "Get ready, guys. You know we can beat them all easy. Get out weapons, do upgrades, whatever you need to before the battle starts."
Ayame shook her head as she stood, grinning at him. "Bravo, bravo!" she cheered him laughingly, causing him to hang his head in mock embarrassment. "Well performed, Liam. That wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but it's better than nothing." Liam rolled his eyes at her and headed outside.
The battle was simple. The other clan was made up of mostly Bangaa, all White Monks or Warriors, but a Viera White Mage and a human Archer lurked in the back of the battlefield. They were taken out easily by Peyo and Rei. Liam took out the two weaker Bangaa with Whirlwind, a third removed by Kethburr, the Gunner. Finally Ayame's turn arrived. She chose a new attack this time, one called "Crystalguard," and lunged forward to finish off the last Bangaa. The tip of her sword began to glow ruby, against the normal sapphire flare; as it touched the Bangaa's armor, the enemy was encased in a block of rose-tinted crystal. Apparently it counted as a KO, because a judge point was added to the total in the corner of her computer.
There was suddenly a burst of light. Apparently one of the Warriors had not been killed after all, and sprang up with a malicious look on its face. Its sword hurtled down upon Ayame's head, bringing her crashing to the ground, already falling into darkness. The last thing she saw was Liam's face above her own, then all her senses dissolved into oblivion.
When she came to, hours later, she found herself in a bed-presumably somewhere in the pub-with Liam half-asleep in a chair next to her. As she tried to sit up, her head pounding sluggishly, he awoke with a start and a small smile of relief. "Welcome back," he murmured, handing her a glass of water. "We were worried about you for a few hours there."
"What. . .happened?" She felt dazed, taking a few sips of water in an attempt to clear the fog from her mind.
"That Bangaa faked a KO and hit you really hard. Unfortunately, even though your attacks are impossibly strong, you don't have much HP built up yet, so it knocked you out. Don't worry, he got a red card from the judge, probably a pretty heavy bail, too." Liam gave her a warm smile. Her heart skipped a bit and she felt lightheaded, confusing her; why was she reacting like this to just a smile from Liam? Attributing it to her muddled hangover, she smiled back, eliciting a faint pink tinge on his face in return.
Awkwardly she tried to stand, only to stumble and collapse practically on top of him. For a moment they were uncomfortably close, their faces only inches from each other; Ayame could feel his warm breath on her lips. Then they were several feet apart, mumbling some excuse or other under their breaths, before their eyes locked. They fell silent, then both started laughing, making their way out of the room side by side.
They were still chuckling as they entered the pub, where they were swarmed by the other members of their clan, all making sure Ayame was all right. Suddenly their exclamations were cut short by a call from across the room. "You two. Liam, Ayame. Come here."
The two exchanged glances, startled, having no choice but to follow the call to its source. A short, lean figure, swathed in a patched and ragged cloak, beckoned them to its table in the corner. Uneasily they seated themselves, Liam's hand resting on the hilt of his sword. "Who are you, and what do you want?" Ayame asked, voicing the question both of them were wondering.
The voice that emerged from the hood's depths was that of an adolescent male, surprising them; but not as much as the words that registered a moment later. "My name is Prince Madi."