Title: Freakshow
Author: Emily )
Rating: PG 13
Spoilers: Post Chosen and everything that has happened in S5 Angel should be
ignored because I made it up from Chosen.
Summary: "It's almost like we're normal"
"I could be in Rome, you know"
"I know" He says, exasperated. It pisses him off when I'm petty and childish which is probably why I'm acting this way.
I slide down against the wall and make a scene. "Would you stop me if I caught a plane - back?"
I want to say "home" but it's not my home. It's sick but right here, in Angel's office with me sulking and him growing steadily angrier - this is like home. I know this. I know I can still make him mad. I can still affect him. I don't know Italian and I don't know all those smiling tanned people with their pretty eyes.
"Could I?" He asks dryly.
"Depends on the time of day" I shoot back. Any minute now I'm going to remind him that his heart doesn't beat and I could - I could still hurt him. I think I could. I just don't know why I want to. Angel was excitement and stolen kisses and everything I could never have. Now I'm sitting on his floor with my arms wrapped around my knees and I'm wondering if he'd stop me if I kissed him. And if I left would he let me? There is only one way to find out these things.
"What do you want from me? You can't just come here, all of a sudden, from Rome and ask me if I'd stop you if you went back?"
I sigh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a drama queen and for not letting go. But I won't say that. There are questions I need answered and things I need to know. "What do you think I want from you?"
"Quit being glib and tell me" Angel says, a growl curling into his voice. My stomach flip flops.
"Make me" I say, standing up. So he kisses me, long and hard and in that way of his that leaves me wanting more, always wanting more.
"Well?" He asks.
"This" I tell him exasperated and lost for words.
"To make out?" Angel asks.
"Yes. God I want to make out with you in your stupid office with it's stupid windows and the sun hasn't even set yet and I can see you Angel. Really see you. I want to be sixteen again, I...I hate Rome."
"You don't like the windows?" Angel says. I smile. We are masters at avoiding the issue.
"They're a reconstruction. This is all a reconstruction. It's not the same as the sun" I say.
"I hear that kills."
"Yeah, spend too long in it and you get all crispy."
We are forced to smile.
"What don't you like about Rome?" He says gently.
"It's not Sunnydale." I say sadly.
"You miss it?"
"I miss you. I miss Mom. I miss everything."
His hand settles on my bare shoulder and I think of the words: cold comfort.
"So do I" Angel tells me, softly.
"This is so...surreal. I'm not a Slayer, or not the Slayer anyway, and you're practically in the sunlight.."
"It's almost like we're normal" Angel says, finishing my thought with a wry smile. Almost. It is always 'almost' and 'practically' with us.
I smile back and tell him I should call Dawnie. She might panic at my hastily scribbled 'Gone to LA. Be back later' note.
"How long are you staying?" Angel asks, too casually.
I look up at him. "How long do you want me to stay?"
I know we've said it all before and so does he but that doesn't stop us from replaying the scene. There is always the chance, that this time, maybe this time it will work.
"You could..." He tells me, "Stay."
"Your curse" I say automatically because that is one of the many reasons why not.
"I..."
I interrupt him. "Jesus, Angel, you have all these evil people working for you with all their resources. I'm sure they could work the mojo and anchor it or whatever."
"They did" He tells me and I blink.
"What? Why?" My eyes narrow. "Who?"
"Evil representative of the Senior Partners, Eve. It was some kind of plan to get me on their side."
"By giving you lots of consequence-less sex with some girl?" I roll my eyes. "Angel her name is Eve. Get a clue, have you read the Bible?"
He stares at me. "Yes. Buffy, I am positive you haven't read the Bible"
"Well no. But I know the Cliff notes version as should you, being all old and wise."
"You're not so young yourself anymore Buff"
I gasp, "Angel, shut up". I shake my head in mock shock. "I am a young and lithe twenty-something. And more twenty than something. So did you sleep with this Eve?"
"Only once" He tells me.
I shake my head again. "Well I slept with a cute Italian waiter." I tell him."Really?" He says
"Really" I say with a smirk. "All the sleeping around aside, you can have perfect happiness? And not lose your soul?"
"I haven't put it to the test yet but in theory, yes."
"That's kinda neat" I tell him and grin.
"Wanna stick around and - " He stops. "I'm sorry, I can't say some line and act serious." He tries not to laugh.
"Damnit Angel, you couldn't just pretend and spin me some line about testing that curse? We could just pretend. You're not being very romantic, you know" I say, biting back another grin
"This from the girl who makes me kiss her by pissing me off?"
"I didn't make you. Making you would involve chains and stuff. Anyway you're hot when you're angry with me. It's a thing." I mumble.
"This thing", Angel says carefully and he is talking about us now, "It's..."
"It's a freakshow?" I suggest and he looks hurt. "I don't mean that in a bad way, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. It's just that it kinda is"
"And we live in two different worlds?" He asks.
"Maybe not that part. Unless you think that we do?" I start to panic.
He shakes his head. "No, not that part."
"Thank God" I breathe. "You know, we could be a good freakshow"
"Like one that people pay lots of money to watch?"
"Angel I am not making porn with you. But yeah, like really cool circus freaks.""I can live with being a really cool circus freak" Angel tells me.
"Good 'cause vampire with a soul? You're pretty much a freak."
"Ex Slayer living in Rome with ex Key, ex Watcher..."
"Okay, we're all freaks." I conclude. "I think it's a Sunnydale thing"
"We have to stop making jokes" Angel says, seriously.
"I think we're witty. But you want to have the serious talk? It never seems
to end happily with us. I vote for holding it off for as long as possible"
I say pleadingly.
"How about we don't?"
"But we have to have the talk! It's necessary and traditional and we can't not have the talk and -" I was clearly kidding about not having the serious talk.
"We could just start over" Angel says calmly.
I gaze at him. I kind of adore this man, vampire, freak, whatever you want to call him.
"Do you still love me?" I ask. I don't mean to ask it but I flew from Rome and I wanted to know. It's awkward and out of place but I have to ask. I have to know. I can make him laugh and I can hurt him and make him kiss me but, I don't know. I am sure I look desperate with big eyes that will cry if he says he doesn't (And I flew halfway across the world to fall apart if the answer isn't what I want to hear. I should have stayed in Rome with its stupid language and too nice people). He has seen me desperate before though and will no doubt see me desperate again. Beneath all the banter and fast flying exchange of words I am raw. He knows it.
He doesn't tell me "always" or make some dramatic poetic comparison. Instead he simply says "Yeah" and smiles at me (I can't help but smile back, my mouth breaking into this spontaneous shape) and maybe, maybe that's enough.