Chapter 16: A Heavy Burden

Gaara woke suddenly. His body felt heavy, and although he had been asleep just a few minutes ago, he felt exhausted. He never thought he would have to use that sleeping jutsu again. But her quiet sobs seemed to permeate the stillness of the night, making it impossible to sleep.

The sun smiled cheerfully on him, making the night before seem like even more of a bad dream. But he could see her sitting by the river, and he could feel the emptiness coming from her. This was no dream.

He wiped all emotions from his face and walked towards her. She was sitting silently, staring at the river as she hugged her legs.

"Where will you go?" she asked suddenly. Her voice was hollow and seemed to echo through the air.

"Anywhere, it doesn't matter," he shrugged, adapting a listless tone in his voice. "Are you going back to the Konoha?"

"No," she replied in the same hollow voice. "I can't go back since I abandoned it. They wouldn't take me in again, and I don't want to go back anyway. It's too late."

"You can go anywhere, as long as you're not with me," he shrugged again as turned his back towards her and walked to his gourd. He heard her stand up, the sand crunching under her feet.

"To keep traveling would be... pointless." The sadness in her voice made a pain shoot through Gaara, although he didn't show it. "I'm going back, to the only people that ever cared for me." Something was wrong. He turned towards her, hiding his uneasiness. A ghost of a smile crept onto her face as she looked at the kunai in her hand. She looked up at him, the same unnerving look on her face. "See ya."

The words to stop her were lodged in his throat as he watched her press the kunai against her wrist. He couldn't hide his horror as he watched the stream of blood pour from her wrist and cascade onto the ground. A frail laugh escaped her lips as she collapsed onto the ground.

Too much blood loss. She spent two days in intensive care because of that. Now she was in the recovery wing... again.

He couldn't help thinking of the last time he had been in a hospital. He had really hurt her. But she had forgiven him, and looked beneath the monster within him and seen who he really was. Now she was hurt again because of him.

Maybe she'd forgive him one day, even though he wouldn't be there to see it. However, there was a problem.

"She just won't eat," the doctor had explained to him. "When she does, she vomits, even with easily digestible foods. And even though we've been supplementing her intravenously, she's been getting worse in a very short period of time. Perhaps..."

Gaara hadn't listened to the rest of his speech. He didn't need to. He knew why she wouldn't eat.

"Why did you bring me here?" she had asked him the first time he had visited. She was staring at her tight fists clutching the sheets.

"The doctors say you should be better in a few days," he responded, ignoring what she had said.

"Why didn't you let me leave?" He didn't answer. "I was just a liability, I was getting out of the way."

"I didn't mean by killing yourself," he answered abruptly.

"What do you care how I leave?" She looked up and glared at him. "Damn you. Now it'll just take me longer to see my family. I hate you." He hadn't even blinked at this response. He had just gotten up and left.

She hadn't spoken a word since then. He knew she was furious at him, but he couldn't do anything about it. He had made himself not care.

He was back to the old Gaara. The one she hated.

And he didn't care.

At first, he had gone to see her a few times a day, but now he only went to see her once a day, at most. He hated seeing her. She was like a shell of the old Kitai, and he just couldn't help hating her. He couldn't stand seeing her so still, he could hardly tell she was breathing. Her empty blue ice caves for eyes were unfamiliar to him, but what was worse was the way she avoided looking at him. She could stare at a lamp shade for hours, but she couldn't look at him.

He hated it.

He stood outside her room, then he slowly opened the door and stepped in, his face surrounded by its usual apathy. The first thing he noticed was the untouched plate of food by her bed. He looked at Kitai, who was propped into a sitting position and was staring at the ceiling. She didn't make any motion of acknowledging his entrance.

Her eyes had an unfamiliar faraway look. He wondered if she was daydreaming. Her eyes moved around casually, a shadow of her old smile appeared on her hollow face.

"You haven't eaten," he said simply. She didn't notice or care to notice. The expression on her face changed from happiness to contentment. It looked strange on the pale skin with sunken cheeks and empty eyes. Gaara stared at it, letting a pang of sadness show on his face. He made his way to the door.

"The stars are beautiful tonight," he heard her say in a distant voice as he stepped through the door. His hands shook as he gripped them tightly.

"Gaara-san, I've been looking for you." Mask on. The doctor walked up to him.

"I think you should stay here for the night." Gaara gave him a questioning look. "Well, you see, Kitai's condition's gotten worse, much worse. She started hallucinating this morning, and, well, I don't think she'll last much longer. This may be her last night in this world and... Gaara-san...?" Gaara had walked away. He erased the memory from his mind as he stepped out onto the street.

Gaara threw his gourd on the ground as he collapsed by a tree. He was exhausted after training all day. He had kept himself busy, avoiding anything that made him think. But now...

He wondered if Kitai had been dreaming of the many nights they had spent sleeping under the stars. She always said she preferred camping out than staying in a hotel. But he liked sleeping in an actual bed better than on the cold ground. They always argued whether to camp out or check in. She'd always grumble about it if he won.

But it was a good type of grumble, not the type Kankuro would do that ticked him off so much. It made him feel, well, happy. Just like how her laugh made him happy, and her contented smile. She made him feel safe as he felt her body sleeping by his, or when he felt his or his hand in hers.

He missed Kitai.

He quickly deleted that thought.

The next person to see her warm smile would end up as the happiest person in the world. He'd take care of her. He'd go to festivals and restaurants with her, and he'd know what to say and when to say it, and he wouldn't need things to be explained to him.

And she'd be happy.

He had renounced any feeling for her, so why was he still here? Maybe without him around she would get better and go on with life. She'd be so relieved to get rid of him and she'd forget about him.

Just like he wanted.

Right?

He'd leave the next morning. He'd have to stop by the hospital and dump his pockets to pay for the bill first, of course, or else she'd have a nasty surprise waiting for her when she'd get better.

He leaned against the tree and looked warily at the round yellow moon sitting morbidly at the edge of the dark sky. He tried not to think about the nightmares that would surely follow, and how she wouldn't be around to comfort him.

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. But, just before he nodded off, the thought he had been suppressing surfaced.

What if she doesn't survive?