Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, but I do own Miracool Whip, the amazing combination of two beloved food products!
Chapter 3 of Smashing, eh?: Bienvenidos a mucho estupididad
While on the bus ride to wherever they were going, the Smashers all met and introduced themselves, mostly so the lazy author wouldn't have to write any more awkward introductions like the sucky ones in the last chapter. The Smashers had stayed in a little town last night and ate, drank, and were merry (some of them did too much of some of those things). This morning, they were all having a good time conversing with each other, when Master Hand's voice (this still puzzled a lot of the Smash Bros.) came over the intercom system.
"Attention shoppers, er, Smashers. We are now entering the thriving metropolis of Smash City!" Everyone looked out the window, and saw towering skyscrapers framed picturesquely by tall, red-orange mountains. Luigi looked out his window, and saw the population sign that said:
"Smash City
Population: One awesome hand and a million other losers"
Everybody oohed and aahed, for even the cities of the royalty among them weren't this impressive.
"Through those mountains ahead lies the mansion in which you all will be staying and battling. That will be your home for the next year, so get used to it," Master Hand's voice said. "You may all resume your conversation. Oh, and Kirby, STOP NAMING CHEESES!" Kirby, the pink, round creature stopped talking and looked up.
"Feh, screw you, Master Hand," said Kirby. "So, as I was saying," he continued, much to the exasperation of Yoshi, who was sitting next to him, and looked as though he was about to scream, "there are lots of different types of cheeses, like mozzarella, and Colby Jack, and feta, and brie, and camembert, and roquefort, and Czechoslovakian goat's milk, and..." Yoshi put his face in his hands.
Meanwhile, Roy was unsuccessfully hitting on Seung Mina, who in all fairness was asking for it, as she wasn't wearing much, but still.
"So, come here often?" Roy asked stupidly. Mina gave him a weird look, which she had been getting a lot of practice at lately. "Say, maybe tonight we could go out for dinner, and coffee, and maybe come back to my room for a little bit of...OUCH!" Roy's scream was heard throughout the bus, and he walked back to his seat with a noticeable handprint on his face. "I was gonna say card games, y'know!" he yelled back.
"No, you weren't, Roy," said Marth.
"I know, but I like to add a little guilt in there."
Marth didn't think that Seung Mina felt guilty in the least.
"Oh well, maybe I'll go hit on Sheida. Do you think she'll go out with me?" the desperate Roy asked.
"Uh, oh, yeah!" lied Marth. Marth knew that if Roy hit on her, that she would do things at least three times as painful as what Mina did to him, but Marth was bored.
While Marth was anticipating a crunch and a scream, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, and Pichu were discussing various things in Pokémon language, which was basically variations of their names over and over and over again. Mewtwo, another Pokémon that could speak both English and Pokémonese was listening to the other three's conversation.
"What are they talking about?" asked Ganondorf, Link's arch-enemy and Mewtwo's newfound friend, even though he refused to admit it.
"Well, right now, Pikachu's talking about him and his girlfriend...ewwww," Mewtwo said, thoroughly repulsed.
"Can't they talk English?" Ganondorf asked.
"Yes, all Pokémon can speak whatever language is spoken in their country. They just usually choose not to in order to frustrate and annoy humans."
"Coo coo ca chu, Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know..." Master Hand's voice was again heard over the speaker system.
"What the Hell?" was the general phrase among the passengers.
"Er, oh, sorry about that," said Master Hand. "Um...I was just going to tell you that...we're here!" All the Smashers looked out the window and beheld a magnificent mansion, with several other, smaller, buildings near it, all closed off by a pair of gates that, strangely, did not enclose the grounds even a quarter of the way. "Hello, there, security guy," said Master Hand to the guy at the gate. "I have a busload of people around whom I shall go insane if I am forced to associate with them any longer."
"Yep, you bet'cha, you can go in," said the guard in a thick Wisconsin accent.
Master Hand drove through the gates and to a small building that appeared to be a parking garage. When the bus entered the garage, the Smashers all gasped, for, in several of the spaces, were their vehicles.
"Whoa, dude, that's my go-kart!"
"And my Warp-Star!"
"Look, it's my Arwing!"
"Yes, I took the liberty of transporting all your vehicles here, so you could have some easy transportation to the city. Now, everybody, get out, and welcome to your home away from home!" Everybody exited the bus, sore from sitting that long, Roy for different reasons, and walked out of the garage into the sun, and gazed in awe at the imposing mansion in front of them.
The mansion itself was absolutely gargantuan; it even put Luigi's impressive mansion to shame. It was painted a bright shade of white and it was very long, and extended far back as well, so that it was almost a perfect cube. The highest point was where the roof met at a high triangle. The sides were lined with several windows, with an enormous window at the top, on the "face" of the triangular prism the roof made. There were also two cylindrical buildings as an extension of the main mansion patterned with gray stone.
Around the mansion, in a semicircle from left to right was another cylindrical building painted gold, a cylinder with a hemisphere on top with a giant lens poking out, a square building with a red roof; that was the garage, and a large stadium set farther back than the rest. There were also the ornate bronze gates, but Master Hand said that the whole grounds were also encircled by a force field that kept anyone without proper ID out. Were everything there a circle, there was a fountain and flagpole where the center would be. The flag had the same emblem that the bus did. A spectacular view to all the cardinal directions made the place even more beautiful. The mountains to the south were high enough so that the city didn't obstruct the view, but the city was only a short drive away.
"It's...beautiful," said Peach, the ladylike Mushroom princess. Everyone else concurred.
"Come inside, and I'll give you your rooms," said Master Hand. The inside of the house was as elegant if not more than the outside. The floor was patterned with alternating black and white porcelain tile. A grand staircase was the first thing one saw when they entered. It was far to the back of the room (it was a big room) and it led to another floor, which probably led to other floors, but no other staircases were evident. The room had doors all around on both floors, and there was an elevator on the right side of the room (boy, I sure said the word "room" a lot, huh?). "Oh, wait, I almost forgot," said Master Hand, "I need to assign roommates."
"Assign?"
"Roommates?"
Many murmurs were heard, a lot of them including the words "boarding school", which was essentially what it was.
"Yes, I'm going to assign roommates. Not only are there not enough rooms for everybody to have their own, but having a roommate is also a great social experience." The Hand got a lot of blank stares. "Sigh...you people are hopeless. You're getting roommates and that's that. So, here are your assignments. In the guys' dorms, we have:
Room 1: Mario and Luigi
Room 2: Bowser, Ganondorf, and Mewtwo
Room 3: Yoshi and Donkey Kong
Room 4: Wes and Cloud
Room 5: Fox and Falco
Room 6: Popo and Young Link
Room 7: Sonic and Captain Falcon
Room 8: Tom Nook and Olimar
Room 9: Banjo and Mr. Game and Watch
Room 10: Pikachu and Pichu
Room 11: Kirby and Ness
Room 13: Marth, Link, and Roy
"Hey, how come you skipped twelve?" asked Link.
"There is no twelve," responded Master Hand.
"Just my luck..." muttered Marth.
"Now, let's have the girls' rooms:
Room 1: Peach and Zelda
Room 2: Samus and Kazooie
Room 3: Sheida and Seung Mina
Room 4: Nana and Jigglypuff
"And, that's all the rooming arrangements. Boys' rooms are on the first door to the left, girls' to the right. You can go get set up." Just then, two ladies came walking down the stairs, talking. "Oh, yes, I forgot to introduce you to the housekeeper and cook, Daisy and Rui." They smiled at everybody in that naïve way that people do when they don't know just how irritating a job will be.
"Rui..." Wes, the Pokémon trainer/snagger whispered, mouth agape.
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Well, I hope everyone liked that chapter. The next one will be up soon because I have too much spare time. The next chapters will hopefully be funnier and will get deeper into the minds of the characters, but not too deep, because there's not much there!