Disclaimer: I am not the owner of Nintendo odnetniN fo renwo eht ton ma I :remialcsiD

Chapter 5: Commence the Battles!

The morning breakfast table was a pleasant scene, with everyone talking to one another, reading the newspaper, watching TV, or eating so fast that they were oblivious to everyone and everything around them. For example, Kirby was inhaling things so rapidly that he swallowed five entire raw potatoes from the fridge, plus Luigi's hat. While the man in green was giving Kirby the Heimlich maneuver, Falco and Ganondorf were making fun of Marth because of his tiara.

"Hey, tiara boy!" Falco jeered. "Maybe you'll become the queen of Altea in a few years!"

"Yeah, and then you can wear a tiara...and stuff!"

"Ganon, why don't you leave the insults to me?"

"I keep telling you losers, the damn thing is cursed! I can't get it off!"

"Sure..."

"You're both immature and stupid," a voice said. They turned around to see Zelda glowering at Falco and Ganondorf. "I would expect this kind of behavior from second-graders, not grown men. You should be ashamed of yourselves." Falco and Ganon looked like schoolboys getting a lecture from their teacher. "Just because someone is oriented differently sexually, doesn't mean that you can make fun of them."

"Um, Zelda," whispered Marth. "Not helping."

"Well, I'm sorry Marth, but I've never heard of a cursed tiara."

"Oh, yeah? You can probably feel curses, can't you?"

"Yeah, but..."

"Then feel the tiara. Just be glad it's not cursed underwear."

"Okay, here goes nothing...whoa! That is one strong curse!"

"How do we know you're not just sticking up for him?" asked Falco suspiciously.

"Why would I stick up for somebody I've only known for a few days?"

"She stuck up for me after I'd only known her a few hours," Link interjected.

"That's because the guy that was destined to save Hyrule was the Hero of Time, not the Thief of Erotic Lingerie! Now, Marth, let me see what I can do..."

She placed her hands on Marth's tiara and closed her eyes as if in some sort of trance. The lights in that vicinity all went out. Tom Nook the raccoon kept flipping the light switch, wondering why they weren't working. Suddenly, the headpiece started to give off a light blue aura and vibrate wildly (another good reason for it not to be cursed underwear). Zelda looked as though she was in pain, and about to pass out, but before the magic gave out completely, a light blue thing shaped somewhat like a man flew out of the center jewel on the tiara, and the girly headband snapped in two. Zelda stood for a minute, and then collapsed on the sofa behind her.

Marth held the two pieces of the tiara in his hands. "It's...not cursed anymore," he said breathlessly. "Zelda...I don't know how to repay you."

"I do!" yelled Roy from across the room.

"Shut up! Zelda, if there's anything I can do, name it. Can I get you a cup of coffee, aspirin, half of my profits from selling the tiara on eBay...?"

"No, I'm fine. But tell me, how did that thing get cursed in the first place?" she asked.

"Well, it was a long, long, time ago..."

"Oh, great, here comes a flashback," someone said.

"My ancestor, Prince Larry, was raiding the tomb of an ancient king. One of the things in the tomb was the tiara. But, unbeknownst to Larry, the king had placed a curse on the treasure, and the first thing Larry touched would become stuck to him and his descendants until the curse was removed by someone with more powerful magic than the king. Larry's descendants searched for somebody who could undo the curse, but to no avail. But now, since Zelda has un-cursed it, the royal bloodline of Altea can be at peace."

There were several murmurs, as everyone had been watching this scene. "Hmmm, Hyrule had a legend kinda like that," Zelda said, "only some guy stole a jar of mustard from the manager of a fast food restaurant. The royal bloodline of Hyrule had to taste mustard every waking moment of their lives until the curse was removed."

"Cool. Well, I'm going to go sell this thing on eBay for half a million bucks a piece."

"Can I see how much a jar of mustard would go for?" she yelled after him.

After they were gone, Captain Falcon asked Link: "So, what's this about the Thief of Erotic Lingerie?"

"Uhh...Young me would know, ask him." When everyone's head was turned Link dashed off to parts unknown.

"Hey, I don't know about any of this," Young Link said. "I'm one of Link's descendants about 300 years in the future."

"Really? What's it like in the future?" DK asked.

"Well, Hyrule is a sunken kingdom that exists only in legend, and Ganon is back for world domination."

"Cool!" shouted Ganon.

"But I get to kill him."

"That's not so cool. But if you're from the future, why aren't you cel-shaded?"

"Because Ganon's curse wore off."

"Awesome! I get to make stuff cel-shaded!" cried Ganondorf jubilantly.

"Smashers, would you all report to the auditorium, please. If you need directions, use the map that I installed in the front lobby three seconds ago."

With the aid of the map, the Smash Bros. and Sisters (Sheida started a Women's Lib. Group, I have to say that now) made their way through the long and winding halls in the mansion to an auditorium with stadium seating like in movie theaters. "Master Hand, if there's only 34 of us-" Pichu's question was cut short by a voice.

"36!" yelled Daisy from who-knows-where.

"-36 of us, 34 of whom are actually fighting, why do we need a huge auditorium with a thousand seats in it?"

"Thou must not question the Hand's motives," said the Handyman. "Every room in this mansion has a purpose, whether it be eating or sitting or doing a hip-hop dance. Now, the battles will start in two days, so I thought I'd better show you the drill. Mario? Donkey Kong? If you would come up to the stage, please."

The mustachioed plumber in red and the ape who essentially was mustachioed on every inch of his body walked up to the stage. However, the stage was not a wooden platform anymore, instead, it was a large purple-shaded platform, hovering seemingly in space. Everyone assumed that this was a virtual reality created by Master Hand. Except for Kirby, who was thinking of all types of pie alphabetically. Apple, apricot, banana cream, blueberry, boysenberry, broccoli...

"Now watch closely, everybody," Master Hand's voice rang out through the auditorium. "The object of these matches is to knock the other person off the stage by any means possible. There are a few rules, however:

Rule 1: No powerful attacks that are unavoidable or extremely hard to avoid.

Rule 2: No attacks that disgustingly mutilate the opponent.

"Darn!" Bowser yelled.

Rule 3: No invincibility that lasts longer than 14 seconds at a time.

Rule 4: No eating any part of the opponent and not giving it back somehow.

Rule 5: Taking off clothing on the field is prohibited.

"Darn!" said someone whose identity shall remain anonymous.

"Also, combatants are unable to be killed or have any lasting disability or else I would get the pants sued off me. And I'm not even wearing pants!"

"So, with that in mind, let's watch the demo match between Mario and DK!"

Mario started off by rushing at DK. The ape expertly dodged and sent a weak punch that hit the plumber in the jaw. Mario retaliated by giving Donkey a shoe to the stomach, and, before the Kong could counterattack, the man in red did a punch-kick combo to DK. Obviously fed up, DK smooshed Mario between his massive hands and then unloaded a Giant Punch right in Mario's face. Mario was sent flying over the edge, but he recovered by means of his superb jumping ability. Donkey tried to Meteor Smash Mario before he could climb on the platform, but he missed, leaving himself open for an attack. Mario used that golden opportunity to unload a Smash Attack on the hapless monkey, sending him flying. When DK used his Spinning Kong to recover, Mario took after the primate and connected his fist with DK's head, sending Donkey Kong spiraling downward into the abyss.

"And the winner is, Mario!" Master Hand shouted, his voice magnified threefold from what it was.

"What's going to happen to DK?" asked a concerned Luigi.

"It's OK, he'll be here in a minute...oh, here he is now!"

A gaping hole had opened up in the ceiling, and it spit DK out. The gorilla was a bit shaken and disoriented, but otherwise all right.

"And that's how it's done," ended Master Hand. There was a general murmur of interest among the congregation, full of anticipation and apprehension at what this tournament would bring.

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

The battles will start next chapter. I know these last couple chapters haven't been very funny, but there will be some unfunny parts to this story. On a side note, I know that the Young Link in SSBM is adult Link in the past, but I thought it would be more interesting if he was from the time of The Wind Waker. Review, please!