Disclaimer: He who enters shall leave with half a brain.
Chapter 6: Fight! Fight! Fight!
The next morning, the Super Smash People were peacefully eating their breakfast of toast, juice, and bacon that Peach made because Rui wasn't up yet. There was much speculation as to why, but the general consensus was that she was doing something with Wes. What that something was, exactly, was open for discussion.
As if on cue, Wes and Rui walked through the doorway that led to the kitchen/secondary dining room, hand in hand, and acting all lovey-dovey. "Well, looks like some people had fun last night," said Roy, winking.
"Oh, no, we didn't do that," said Rui. "We just talked, and kissed, and cuddled..." she broke off, looking at Wes with starry eyes and kissing him for a good twenty seconds. Roy, meanwhile, looked like he was about to hurl.
"Well, you could have gotten up earlier," said Mario, annoyed. "Instead, we had to endure Peach's awful cooking."
"Mario!" Peach cried, offended.
"I'm sorry, but when you made me that cake at the end of Super Mario 64, I shoved it down my pants instead of trying to eat it."
"That's what it was? I just thought you wanted more than cake..."
"Er, ahem," said Olimar, trying to rid his head of extremely unpleasant images. "I think we've heard enough."
"Hey, what's that?" asked Wes with a confused look on his face.
"That would be my nose, you little-"
"No, not that. The thing on your head."
Wes was right to be confused, for on the spaceman's head was a small, thin, red creature with a flower on top of its head.
"Oh, that's just a Pikmin. I'm planning to use them in the tournament to fight. They can do amazing things when they team up."
"But there's only one," observed Rui.
"Right now there is, but this is Pikmin mating season, and in cases where there are no mates, they can reproduce asexually. I expect there will be hundreds by the time it's my turn to fight."
"Oh, that's great," said Rui. "Hundreds of little things running about the mansion...what a simply wonderful thought."
"Not to worry, Master Hand said he would let me use a pocket of storage space for them, complete with heat, air conditioning, and cable TV."
"Buenos días, luchadores," Master Hand said, as he walked...er...glided through the doorway. "Who knows what today is?"
"National Learn a Slavic Language Day?"
"Bhutanese New Year?"
"Punch a Politician in the Face Day?"
"No, it's the day that the Super Smash Tournament begins!" Master Hand said jubilantly. "Today we will have our first battle!"
"When's the next one?" someone asked.
"Next week."
"What are we supposed to do until then?"
"Um...I dunno. Train, earn trophies..."
"Speaking of trophies," Seung Mina said, "why aren't there any of me, Sonic, Wes, Banjo, Kazooie, Cloud, Sheida, or Rui?"
"Well, Nintendo got into an argument with Namco, Rare, Sega, and Square-Enix or whatever, so they wouldn't let us put their characters in the video game, and Wes and Rui won't exist as video game characters when Super Smash Bros. Melee comes out."
"What about me?" asked Sheida.
"Well, we needed to have a round number, so we decided that you were the least popular."
"Less popular than Ness?" she said indignantly.
"Anyway," Master Hand continued, "today's battle will be between Captain Falcon and Samus. I know I haven't given you much time to train, but you two can do it." Samus was eager to fight because Falcon had been pathetically hitting on her. "The fight will start in one hour, so hop to it!" The disembodied human limb directed his "gaze" on the racer, who was still in his falcon pajamas.
An hour later, the stadium on the "Smashing Grounds", as many called them, was filled to the brim with spectators and fans of all shapes and sizes. The announcer's box held two men who appeared to be Asian, but had perfect American accents. The other oddity was that their lips moved out of sync with their words. Link got a look at the commentators, and said to Master Hand: "You hired Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano to be the announcers!?"
"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"
"Do you know what they'll probably say?"
"So they're conservatives. Everyone needs to learn a little tolerance anyway."
"No, not that. They'll probably make jokes that Samus wears nothing under her suit or something."
"Does she?" inquired the living glove, suddenly interested.
"No! I mean, yes! I mean...oh, who cares. But they'll offend everyone in the audience with their dirty jokes."
"Oh, lighten up. I remember a president who made a joke about sperm at his inaugural address, and nobody got offended."
"What president was that?"
"Um...I think it was Seinfeld or somebody."
"Jerry Seinfeld never...oh, never mind. Well, okay. Have it your way. But if everybody leaves, don't say I didn't warn you."
"Ladies and gentlemen," a voice rang seemingly out from nowhere. "Welcome to the not-really-annual-but-it-sounds-better Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"
"And sisters!" Sheida shouted, enforcing equal rights.
"Today's match is between Captain Douglas Jay Falcon and Samus Aran on the Corneria stage!"
An exact replica of the StarFox team's ship, the Great Fox, materialized in the center of the stadium, much to the surprise of the onlookers. Then, Samus and Falcon materialized as well, one on the cockpit, and one on the "dorsal fin".
"Let's get ready to smash! Man, that doesn't sound very good, but it's better than risking a lawsuit..."
Captain Falcon started the match off by rushing toward his opponent, who was on higher ground than he was, and preparing to deliver a punch. Samus expected this predictable move, and countered with a missile from her arm cannon that hit Falcon in the face. Normally, one's face would be burnt and disfigured, if one's skull was still intact, but Master Hand had made it so the "real life" laws of combat were partially null and void.
Falcon, wafting the smoke out of his eyes, ran toward the bounty hunter again, but this time, in a surprise maneuver, he quickly did an impressive backflip away from Samus. Samus, not expecting this, threw a punch that hit a few billion air molecules, giving the F-Zero champ time to deliver a Raptor Boost which sent the spacewoman soaring into the air.
While waiting for her to land, Falcon spied a Beam Sword, which was actually a lightsaber, but was not called that in order to avoid getting sued by Lucasfilm. He rushed over to pick it up, and rushed back to his foe to continue the melee. Samus, being a Super Smash "veteran", knew the potential damage of this weapon, and ran to the ship's tail.
The Captain, who was a fellow "veteran", ran after her foolishly, for in his training he had learned to never follow someone to where you can't see them. Sure enough, when he dropped down from the fin to the tail, Samus had readied a Charge Beam that blasted him back against the wall. Then, in one fluid motion, Samus grabbed the racer with her Grappling Beam and threw him off the ship. When he tried to recover, she hit him with another beam shot, not charged up this time, which was enough to send him off the stage, making Samus the winner.
The crowd cheered for the armor-clad bounty hunter. The Great Fox disappeared, leaving Samus standing on terra firma. The announcers were saying something about wearing nothing under her suit, and in the audience, Link gave an exasperated sigh.
Back at the mansion, everyone was congratulating Samus on her victory. Even Captain Falcon, who was still a little weak, said she fought well. Samus, however, suspected this was an attempt to get into her suit, so to speak. The Smashers were about to go off and do stuff, when the doorbell rang. Fox answered it, and could hardly believe what he saw...
O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O
A cliffhanger! How exciting (cough)! I haven't been getting many reviews lately, so I don't care who you are, just review! If you don't already know this, anonymous ones are accepted as well. Also, I may post another short, one-chapter story in the near future. Stay tuned!