Title: The (Fairy) Godfather
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros.
Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.
Author Notes: (for notes in full, see end) Thank you reviewers XD Cat
– thanks, darling. On-A-Rainy-Day – sigh, Draco, alas, doesn't get the
chance. krenya-alenak – No slash, unfortunately. . Drat. Angie
Chick – do you need… medical… assistance? and Uozumi – this is
complete on the HPN, Zumi-chan, you did know that, didn't you?
Chapter six
Luna kicks bum
Professor Vector ignored these words as she pointed towards the door with a firm, austere expression. Hermione nodded along with the Arithmancy witch's judgement (to Luna's faint annoyance - until she saw Draco nodding enthusiastically to Hermione's left) and 'hmph!'ed lightly as Luna rose to her feet and left the classroom.
The door slammed shut.
Luna sunk to the floor and crossed her knees, unbuttoning her robes to reveal a garish pink-and-white candyfloss coloured dress.
It had been a trademark of Fairy Godmothers throughout the years to strive to make their dresses as thoroughly tacky as possible. Luna's generation was only the second to discover plastic, and the first to discover fairy-lights and yet she still paled in comparison to the great Merriweather, tackiest of all. On the other hand, Merriweather met her death in a hot oven in a gingerbread house.
Just goes to show that tackiness gets what it deserves.
Even so, Luna still pinned some pink plastic heart earrings to her ears for luck and considered her wand. She wondered if silver spray paint was poisonous - she'd developed a habit of chewing the pasta star on the top of her wand - but a silver glowing star wand would look much more impressive, and a quick spray couldn't do any harm. Turning it over in her hands, she listened for footsteps...
... and heard some.
She concentrated on staring spookily at the entrance of the corridor.
"Lovegood, where exactly are you meant to be?" momentarily startled, Luna looked up into the displeased face of her Potions master and smiled peacefully.
"Arithmancy," she said. "But, no matter. I'd like to talk to you, Professor."
"Oh, joy. Oh, rapture. How ever will I contain my utter thrill? Luna Lovegood wants to talk to me. Come along, whatever it is can be said on the way to the nice room with the detention slips," Severus said, his voice a total monotone. He gave Luna a deadpan glare while he spoke, as though she had somehow insulted him by wanting to talk to him. She got to her feet, keeping up the peaceful smile.
"I know. If I were talking to me, I'd be thrilled too... though that's probably because mirrors so very rarely talk back. There have been reports though. The government are using them to spy on us," she said, ambling amiably beside him with her hands in her robe pockets. She took the time in which he'd looked away in disgust to quickly button her top buttons and cover up the pink-and-white disaster.
"... Is there a point, Lovegood?" he sneered.
"Oh! Yes, of course there is," she stopped dead at a hallway junction, folded her arms and glared at him. "This is my turf, Snape! I was here years before you and I expect you to back off."
"Excuse me?" asked Severus, "Good god, she really is insane."
"I'm the Fairy Godmother around here," said Luna, now alarmingly menacing. Her blonde hair, now hanging over her eyes in a tangled mess, gave her a feral and wild look. "I have been since I was eleven and just because you're older, that does not mean you can push me off my turf. Newbie."
Severus looked at the furious girl and remembered the passage from the handbook on good and bad Fairy Godmothers. There are always two, one good and one evil. Usually, the two Fairy Godmothers are extremely territorial and possessive of their characters: Most of the new Godmothers leave the elder Godmothers vicinity: This prevents all out war between good and evil (see: Morgan LaFaye, Merlin, Cliodna)
She's the other one? What does that make Luna Lovegood? The good one or the evil one?
"Newbie?" he found himself saying. "Oh, that cuts deep. Give yourself a pat on a back for a shot well struck. I shan't recover from an insult like that for days, Lovegood. How absolutely below the belt."
Luna smiled and shook her head, "sarcasm doesn't suit you. I rather think," she continued innocently, looking vague and misty as she stared at the ceiling and pulled her wand through her fingers. "Do you know, I rather think that chiffon doesn't suit you, either. You'd look so much better in ... oh... spandex... maybe, or elastic."
"Is that a threat, Lovegood?"
"Would you like it to be?"
Realizing he was getting absolutely nowhere in this conversation (besides, maybe, talking himself into a pair of particularly unpleasant trousers) Severus did the unthinkable. Gave up.
There was little reasoning to be had with a girl whose general view on life was that "anything is really possible – except for biting books, because that's just silly!" (in her own words) and while he did actually have the entire day to stand around arguing, he didn't want to. That would mean admitting to Minerva that he was actually having difficulty.
And being upstaged by a teenaged girl who didn't know her left hand from the left side of her brain.
"What exactly do you want?"
Luna looked thoughtful. "First, I want you to stop meddling with my characters. I've had an absolutely huge plot running with those Gryffindors since second year that'll come to a spectacular finish soon and you're ruining it. Isn't it funny how… well, when you're working with a story… how personal you get with your villain characters. Almost to the point of having certain characters in the story that would bother the villain to have."
"What are you talking about?"
Luna grinned wolfishly, an expression that didn't suit the almost babyish innocence in her face. "Leave Ron Weasley out of it, or I shall have to continue with my idea for a Gryffindor sweetheart for Draco Malfoy… oh, wouldn't it be wonderful? A very touching story, full of emotion. Lucius's reaction would be the best of all – I really do think so."
Lovely. Luna Lovegood's the other Fairy Godmother… and for such an airhead, she's actually controlling those students so well that they don't realize their free will's being tampered with. So her plan is… setting Granger up with Malfoy? Oh, heaven help us. It'll last two weeks and they'll be back to tearing each other's hair out.
Two weeks makes a big difference in a story. And if Granger's already with Malfoy, I'll be stuck with an incapacitated Weasley and a very smug Gryffindor head of house.
"Do pop into the hospital wing before you leave," continued Luna, "it seems some kind of sickness has struck Ron. I can't imagine what. It's as though some terrible potion that would have rendered him paralysed for a good week or so might have been tampered with, so's to make him completely incapable of even speaking properly! I really would hate to be the girl looking after him."
Did I call that an airhead? Why isn't she in Slytherin?
"Looks like I'm the Good Fairy godmother this time," she finished. "Fun, fun!"
With that, she turned on her heel and wandered aimlessly down the corridor. The chiffon under her robes seemed to steer her slightly off course, difficult as it was to manoeuvre. Severus caught a glimpse of her chewing the top of her wand as she turned the corner, and finally groaned.
"Lovegood's got a story too. Lovely. Just. Lovely. This is war."Author Notes: Right, are we all completely lost? Here's Kitty's quick catch up guide. There are always, at any time in the world, two fairy godmothers in existence (one good and one evil). Severus has been named as one, and he's just found out that Luna Lovegood's his counterpart. While Severus, on a bet with Minerva, is trying to run a Godmother story of the romance between the bookworm and the weasel, Luna's out to tamper with his story at every turn by adding inconvenient plot points (for instance, the bookworm's sudden attraction to the ferret) and tripping him up.
Basically, it's war and Luna's going sniper style.
PS: If you're confused over Ron: Severus tried to put him off his feet for a while in an attempt to let the typical romance situation between Hermione (being forced to look after him) and Ron bloom. He mixed a potion into the drink Ron sneaked into Potions class… but Luna had already tampered with Ron's drink. Having his legs put out of order with the loss of speech was just an added bonus.
Luna: 1
Severus: 0