Title: The (Fairy) Godfather
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros.
Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.
Author Notes: I'm sorry it took so long ;; I'm continuing to the bitter end, though my reviews have... er... dwindled blush Naiii, another catch-up guide is in order. I blame my bad writing . I assume everyone will be able to see just what's going on in my head. So! For the sake of understanding, see the Kitty catch-up guide at the end. So, thank you CastusAlbusCor, Phredtheflyingmonkey, Uozumi, H.D., AngieChick and Iris Flamewing!
Chapter Nine
Animal Antics.
Severus looked at Crookshanks.
Crookshanks looked at Severus.
The two looked at each other.
Of course, Severus couldn't quite appreciate the irony (though he was probably the best irony-appreciator of all Hogwarts School) of the showdown as he'd never seen a single cowboy film in his life and had absolutely no desire to broaden his horizons to include that particular activity. Both creatures simply edged around each other uneasily, with an occasional hiss or curse from one or the other.
"It's nearly finished. Will you stop staring at me? Dratted animal..." muttered Severus, unused to the silent treatment that usually came before a full frontal claws-out attack. Half an hour ago, he'd been sure the cat was looking the slightest bit pacified... however, it'd turned out that Crookshanks was sizing up the bottom of his robes and trying to figure out which was the fastest way to get through them and claw at the legs beneath.
"Rrooooowwwwwrrrrrrr..." a rumbling noise came from somewhere deep inside the mottled fur generally known as Hermione's cat.
"Rowr to you, too," said Severus curtly, stirring a dodgy looking fluorescent pink potion with one hand and arming himself with a cauldron in the other. Magic was no substitute for cold hard iron when it came to wild animals.
"Rrrrroooowwwwwwwrrrrr..." said Crookshanks, twice as dangerously.
"Because, of course, I understand what 'rowr' means completely," replied Severus. "It's probably cat-language for 'I'm dreadfully sorry for nearly ripping off one of your legs earlier, sir, it won't happen again. Honestly.'"
"Rrrrooooowwwwwwwwrrrrrrrr," Crookshanks repeated, flattening his battered ears against his head and swishing his tail from left to right. In any language, this clearly called Severus a word he wasn't particularly fond of.
"Severus," said Minerva, looking at the Potion Master's back with a stare of such ferocity that he was forced to turn around, "really. Tell me what you're planning."
"Finished," he said, sounding satisfied. Severus edged around the cat nervously, before closing his eyes and uncharacteristically dropping his guard completely. Crookshanks sprung and leapt into the air, aiming for the face and waving his lethal front paws for all he was worth.
The feline fatale made a noise that could only be described as 'yowrp' as he was abruptly snatched out of the air and up-ended into the horrid pink potion. There were some bubbles, hisses and scratching sounds from inside of the cauldron that caused Minerva to jump to her feet and rush forward.
"Honestly, Severus! Just because you're losing doesn't mean you have to drown the poor girl's cat!"
"Sit down, Minerva, or get out," he replied, waving his hands to keep the bout of rising steam from the cauldron away from him.
Crookshanks, inside the cauldron, began to see his life flashing before him. Being born - scratching his first owner - being sold to the Magical Menagerie - clawing the next owner - being returned to the Magical Menagerie - wounding the shop-keeper - being picked up by Hermione - clawing at Ron and Harry - being cooed over by Hermione - Padfoot - that rat - clawing at Ron and Harry - clawing at Nymphadora Tonks - sleeping in the sun - clawing at Severus and...
... This form was suddenly wrong. The ears shouldn't be so pointy... the nose, not so flat and the eyes not quite the same. He adjusted himself as he went along, the legs should be longer, thicker, stockier... the arms, too... no claws, but fingernails... until finally...
Crookshanks stood up in all his human glory.
"I think we should put some clothes on you right now," said Severus firmly, pulling some robes off of the coat-hook on the door and pulling them helter-skelter over the naked figure, "alright, Minerva, you can open your eyes."
"I didn't have them closed," said Minerva. She giggled (much to Severus's alarm).
"Well, you should have had."
Even Severus had to admit that, half an hour later, when Crookshanks had been properly kitted out in proper clothes (including the unpleasant topic of underwear) he was just as lethal as before. Crookshanks clothed seemed to communicate the nakedness beneath all the more. He radiated some sort of drunken charm that he would have compared to that of Captain Jack Sparrow (if, again, Severus had been acquainted with that particular film. Which he was not.)
When it came to Crookshanks, everything even remotely female had hormones. The man could commit harassment by sitting quietly in the next room.
As they'd made their way downstairs, Minerva hadn't been able to stop giggling. Severus had noticed a blush on the Grey Lady's cheeks (he hadn't been aware that ghosts were able to blush. However, if the Bloody Baron could be dead and still have blood, why not the others?) and heard a few school-girls (even one from his own house. He was going to have to have a serious talk with Pansy Parkinson) making remarks that would make James Potter blush.
"Now, Crookshanks," said Minerva, "we need to know what Hermione likes in a ... a boyfriend."
Crookshanks looked at her with a vaguely puzzled expression. This was the woman he'd heard earlier trying to sabotage Severus's big story plot and now she was... helping? "Boy frrrriend?"
"Yes, you know... um... mate," said Minerva.
"You'rrrrre getting a mate for Herrrrmione?" he asked.
"That's right," Minerva said, breaking off into another fit of giggles. Severus sighed inwardly, wondering whether it was possible to murder a work colleague and get away with it. He could plead insanity on the grounds of being giggled at. Musing on this, he barely heard Minerva yelp as the feline pushed his way through the crowd ahead and bounded through a window and out of harm's way.
"This can only be a good thing," she said weakly, "cats always land on their feet."
"This can only be a bad thing," replied Severus, "he's not a cat. And there are innocent -" he paused, "er... untainted -" and again, "and there are school-girls in this place!"
-Kitty Catch-up Guide-
Author notes: Time for another Kitty catch up? Fair
enough... here's the current story standings and the current score. THE STORY
SO FAR is that Severus inherits a Fairy Godmothering position and is honour
bound to act on it as there can only ever be two at one time. At the moment,
he's not quite sure whether he's the good or evil Godmother (as there always is
one good, one bad, no in-between) but he knows his counterpart is the not-as-airheaded-as-she-seems
Luna Lovegood. Now, Severus, in all his infinite calm and collected mood, ends
up making a bet with McGonagall that he can-so! be a Fairy Godmother and to
prove it he's said he'll set up the most obvious (to everyone but the two concerned)
pairing in the entire school, Ron and Hermione.
How's he going to do it? Well, simply by having Ron do a pathetic-bedridden
patient routine and fixing the circumstances so that Hermione will be forced to
nurse him back to health and... Voila! Love blossoms. Not exactly... Luna,
upset at having HER turf moved in on, wants her own back. She sets up the
potion Severus tries to use to put Ron out of commission to make him dumb as
well as bedridden. Now Severus has his way, but Ron's also totally unable to
communicate any feeling to Hermione whatsoever!
Score standings: Severus (0) Luna (1)
Luna, with whatever ulterior motive she has, does NOT want Ron with Hermione.
She instantly sweeps down on the most wanted guy in the school (Draco Malfoy)
and spells him into forgetting who Hermione is. Her plan goes well until
Severus cops that Draco might find Hermione a bit cute (and with Malfoys,
everything has hormones. Including trees) and gets rid of him... by shoving him
into the girl's bathroom to let Myrtle deal with him.
Score standings: Severus (1) Luna (1)
Unknown to Severus, Minerva's trying to win the bet by teaming up with Luna.
She's helping Luna get Dumbledore to throw a Yule ball in which she plans to
set Hermione up with SOMEONE, ANYONE, before Ron has his chance. Between the
two of them they're positive to trip Severus up.
Score standings: Severus (1) Luna (2)
Severus decides, who knows Hermione better than anyone? and makes a bee-line
for her beloved pet, the mangy tomcat known as Crookshanks. Deciding to extract
as much information as he can from the cat he turns him human with a potion to
eliminate the species-barrier... and, much to his horror, discovers that
Crookshanks is apparently quite attractive as a human, and that he's
accidentally set the catman loose on a school of unsuspecting girls!