Title: The (Fairy) Godfather
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros.
Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.
Author notes: .;; I'm SO sorry this was late. Rushed off my feet, being gotten up at four in the morning… but you don't want to know that! What you do want to know is that this is the second last chapter! You want to know that Crookshanks does indeed look quite a bit like a teenaged Captain Jack Sparrow and that depending on the chapter and story part, the P.O.V. varies but it's usually either Luna, Severus or poor ickle Ronnikins. You also want to know that I'm just refusing to stick a gender on Blaise. Thanks to reviewers Lady Zymurgy, Uozumi, H.D., Infinate, On-a-Rainy-Day, krenya-alenak, NotreDameGirlie and CastusAlbusCor (I still want to know where your name comes from).
Chapter 11
Night-before Hangovers
Some people could maintain that Dumbledore, smiling in that jolly way of his, was almost impossible to be depressed around. Some people who were not Severus, that is. In fact, Severus hated that smile. That smile, coupled with the eye-twinkle usually meant 'I have an idea to torment Severus today! All is good in the world!' Whenever that smile appeared, Severus made a point of being as far across the other side of the school grounds as possible.
Today, that smile was aimed right at him.
Bloody git. I knew he was planning something.
"Yes, indeed! It's very thrilling to know you were listening, Severus," said the Headmaster solemnly. There was no sarcasm there, but somewhere deep down in the Potion Master's being he picked up on it on some subconscious level. Slytherins had a sixth sense for sarcasm. English was their second language, sarcasm their first.
"Tomorrow," repeated Severus in a deadpan voice.
"Tomorrow," said Minerva efficiently, loving every moment of it. "The day after today and before next week. Sunday, Severus, the 20th of December. In 48 hours. Am I making this simple enough? If you'd like, I could draw a little diagram for you to show you just where between this week and the next tomorrow is. In fact, Filius was showing me only yesterday - yes, that's right, the day before today. The OPPOSITE of tomorrow - this brilliant teaching technique that you can do with straws-"
She trailed off. Severus had turned his deadpan expression on her and suddenly she understood just why the Hufflepuffs and Neville were so terrified of him. "-then again, you probably know that already."
"I wouldn't expect any level of actual intelligence from a middle-aged witch who claims to be practically a school-girl, Minerva, so don't worry. Just go ahead and say what you like, I certainly won't see you in a lesser light," he said gravely. Professor Flitwick looked pitiful, and this time held his arms out to Sinistra who took him kindly and knocked the books out from under him. Safely out of the firing range, he squeaked: "now, now, this is no time for fighting."
"Severus, my junior - as he so aptly put it - probably won't listen to you, Filius," said Minerva in a melancholy tone, "these young people are just so immature."
"Hark, do I hear the twittering of an old bat? Well, now we know for sure that Minerva has entered the room," drawled Severus.
"Well," said Sybil Trelawney crossly.
"Bat? Bat? Did someone mention a bat? Who could they be talking about save for Hogwarts own Batman! Yes, Severus the human bat! He only comes out at night and he wears nothing but black!" said Minerva.
"Excuse me?" asked Flitwick timidly.
"Meow. Well, we all know now why Minerva's animagus form is a cat," said Severus.
"You're one to talk about spell forms, Severus Snape. You can't criticise me! Your patronus is a fluffy pink bunny rabbit with floppy ears!"
A hushed silence fell across the staff room. Minerva had one hand over her mouth and was looking sincerely guilty, though she didn't appear to want to give voice to that guilt at the moment. Trelawney and Filius exchanged startled glances (well, from the table it appeared that way. In truth, Sybil may simply have been directing her glance towards a footstool. It was a sad fact of Filius Flitwick's life that he would forever be mistaken for footstools and pouffes.) and Dumbledore pretended not to know this.
It was finally Sinistra who chuckled politely, and was instantly joined by a catty giggle from Vector. Hagrid guffawed and soon most of the staff, save for the Headmaster, Deputy Headmistress and Potions Master in question, were crying from their laughter.
"Well..." said Dumbledore calmly. "I trust there's no problem with the Ball?"
"No," said Severus faintly. He was still reeling from the shock. "Not at all, Headmaster." As he rose from his seat and stepped over the convulsing teachers, aimed a particularly malicious kick at Mrs Norris and stalked out of the room with legs clawed by - at this point - both male and female felines, he mumbled 'bloody git' to himself.
"Critch, you're so fascinating!" Hermione giggled in an alarmingly high-pitched voice and slapped Crookshanks's arm in what she considered a coquettish fashion. In all fairness, Hermione had no idea was a coquette was, or how to act like one - possibly it was a small spool of thread or a close relation to the potato based croquette - but she wasn't going to admit that for all the money in the world.
"So, the postman jumps rrright up the trrree and scatterrrs the post everrrywherrre!" exclaimed the festive feline dressed in Ron's spare robes (that strained rather alarmingly) and a paper hat. He clapped his hands together awkwardly, as though it was something he was not used to being able to do, and guffawed as though to indicate that this was the joke. Hermione nodded and giggled once more.
Crookshanks shifted closer on the seat. He wasn't familiar with human morals (with cats it was straightforward: be born, eat, sleep in the sun, mate, catch mice, die) but he knew what the basic gist was and so he patted Hermione's hand and said "Herrrmione, I harve something to arsk you."
"Oh, yes?" asked Hermione brightly, suddenly aware of how hairy the Spaniards hands were.
"Will you go to the Yule Bawrl with me?" asked Crookshanks.
"Oh, yes, certainly," said Hermione, nodding enthusiastically.
By the door, Luna clapped her hands together delightedly and whispered to herself "Luna, three, Snape, one. I'm winning! I'M WINNING! ... But, I have to give the competitor a fair chance... right... agenda for today. Look up remedy for muggle drug used to sedate Ron. Alert Snape to Ron's health. Send Hermione gift from Crookshanks. Hee! Critch and Hermione up a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the golden carraige. That's not all, that's not all, the baby's drinking alcohol!"
Author notes: Time for another Kitty catch up? Fair enough... this picks right up from where the last catch-up.Severus decides, who knows Hermione better than anyone? and makes a bee-line for her beloved pet, the mangy tomcat known as Crookshanks. Deciding to extract as much information as he can from the cat he turns him human with a potion to eliminate the species-barrier... and, much to his horror, discovers that Crookshanks is apparently quite attractive as a human, and that he's accidentally set the catman loose on a school of unsuspecting girls!
Luna, of course, picks right up where she left off and through Minerva manages to find out what Severus has done to Crookshanks - or Critch, as she now calls him to Hermione - and drags the irresistable feline back to the hospital wing to seek her out. With one wave of her magic wand, he has girls swooning at his feet, including Hermione. Hermione wanders off with Crookshanks and Ron is left to his own devices.
Score standings: Severus (1 own goal) Luna (3)