Fettered Ties

Author: Loke

Email: abandoned-by-sanity@pixelcherry.com 

Rating: PG-13, for violence and dark themes.  (Will change later on, maybe, if I get complaints)

Summary: Courtney was gone. Grief drove Jason away, and, in his absence, I became what I despised, but also what I loved with such fierce and fatal loyalty. I became my brother, for my brother, in his name and in pursuit of what he wouldn't take. And it nearly killed me.

Feedback: loved and appreciated as always!  It helps to know what you guys think, good or bad.  Just be gentle, that's all I ask, lol.

Disclaimer: Sadly, and despite my many pleas, I still own noting associated with "General Hospital".  I know… sucks to be me.

(a/n) Okay... so, I'm back.  This chapter is all through our beloved Nikky's eyes.  Yes, we finally get to see how he views his wife, the good and the bad. And yes, there is bad and it is coming.  Big time.  For everyone. I said early on that this fic was going to be harsh, and that still rings true.  After this chap, things will ratchet up a bit, and expect for most of the play-by-plays to be from Emily's head.  Mostly because it's about her quests, you know?  Her quests for vengeance, for normality, for her brother, for peace. And then secondly, because it's much easier for me to get inside Emily's head.  My friend Dena says I'm treating this thing too much like therapy, like an emotional outlet.  *lol*  Meh, she's probably right.  I've been saying it for years: My head=damn scary place to be, lol.  There's a lot more of me inside this bleak Emily than I'd ever dream to admit.  I think that's why this story has gotten under my skin so much, why I take hits against it so personally.  Anyway, enough with my crappy, self-indulgently grim mood… It's just been one of those days, you know, where you're pretty sure just about everybody sucks?

Anyway…

To Marian and Shamira, thank you both so much for reviewing the last chap.  I was getting rather discouraged at the lack of response, but if you guys still want more, then more I shall give. ^__^ I hope you like this chapter.  It's still dark, but has lighter moments, too.  Much hugs, ~Loke   

~#~

Nikolas' POV

~#~

"Mommy!" 

I watched as Demetri tore away from me and to where Emily was sitting on the couch, that brilliant smile of hers stretched wide across her beautiful face.  But as breathtaking as it--as she was, the image she created stirred a dull ache in my gut. 

She tried so hard then, put so much effort into it.  Into things that should've been easy.  But, that for her just weren't anymore.  I wished sometimes, that I could pinpoint the moment when it all began to unravel so hopelessly—even though I had a pretty decent idea of when that was-- just so I could someway, somehow, stop it from falling apart and fix it.  Change it all so that she wouldn't have to be so hurt on the inside anymore, so that we all wouldn't have to be so hurt.

"Hey, angel," she greeted our son as he carefully wrapped his little arms around her frame.  I saw her wince and the ache inside me only grew as painful images flashed unbidden through my mind. Memories can be horrid things sometimes. 

"That was a short visit, did everything go all right?"  She was looking at me as she said this with that arched brow, 'you-better-not-have-done-what-I-think-you-did' look on her face.   I had to smile, marveling for the billionth time at how up and down everything in our lives rode.  Bad then good, then awful, then good again.  After six years, most people would be tired of the drama, I think.  But me?  Well, it didn't matter if I was or not.  My life was what it was.  I made my choice, be it the right choice or not.   

Suddenly, as I stood locked in a stare with my wife, Demetri's attention was diverted when he saw his nanny (and also the object of his hopeless affections), Beverly, at the top of the stairs.  His mother's question quickly falling away, our son took off like a shot for the tall, pretty, blonde girl, all smiles, of course.  I shook my head lightly at the sight.  Blondes…I could only hope he got over that obsession a little faster than his father did.

With our son having successfully forgotten we existed, Emily was free to turn her complete attention on me.  I could feel her eyes boring into me, measuring my every move, every tick.  It was an unfortunate trait she shared with her hapless brother; one I never remembered her having before Courtney died. 

"How did it go, Nikolas?"  Her voice was insistent but noticeably heavy, and I didn't even have to look at her to know her arms were crossed.  She always did that when she wanted to seem firm with me, like she really 'meant business', or when she wanted to artfully change the subject before it swayed too near to her.  I found both the gesture and the attempt positively adorable, to be completely honest.  She could put up that façade to the outside world all she wanted, but I knew the truth.  Emily, my Emily, was still just a girl who loved too much and felt too deeply.  A girl who gave her whole heart to the cause—whatever it may be—and who almost always ended up paying for it dearly in the end.  And, yes, she was Mob royalty now, as was I, but her status and her new demeanor didn't deflect anything in private.  It couldn't.  We both knew each other too damn well.  And that's why I knew we'd end up talking about what had just happened with my brother and sister, whether I liked it or not. And how I knew our conversation would eventually meander toward matters of her ingrate brother.  Because that was just the way it was with us.  Nobody won the argument or the plea for avoidance, one of us just grudgingly surrendered, until the other one caved in spite of themselves.  It was a comfortable cycle. Not good, not bad, just us.   

"I could ask you the same thing," I said, shedding my coat and gloves to sit beside her on the couch, knowing full well that our routine was underway.

Her eyes hardened imperceptibly but then faltered back to warm, inviting brown as she smiled gently at me, her hand finding mine. There was that up and down factor again, that silent push and pull.  We could ping pong back and forth so easily that at times I couldn't be entirely sure if she wanted to hug me or push me as far away as possible.  But at that moment I was just glad it was the former. "You first," she practically whispered. "You were already in a sour mood when you left.  And, judging from the brevity of your visit with Lucky and Lulu, I'm willing to wager it didn't' exactly go well." She sighed knowingly and rested a gentle hand on my nape.  "Nikolas, if you don't talk about this…"

I sighed despairingly and ran a hand through my hair.  See what I mean?  This was us.  She always knew when I had to get things out even if it was the last thing I wanted to do, when I had to vent—or else.  As I said before, we knew each too well.  So well it managed to be scary sometimes.  Good scary, reassuring scary, the kind of scary I wouldn't have traded for anything in the world, but still unnerving all the same.  "I just don't get it, Em," I said, a hand finding its way into my hair for the hundredth time that day, tugging and rubbing nervously, tiredly.  At this rate I would be bald by Christmas.  "She only just turned nineteen… why, why would she want to get married now?"

Emily's face softened even more as she made a conscious effort to still my worrying hand, securing both of mine within tiny the cradle of hers.  "She's in love, Nikolas.  Surely you remember what that feels like…"

"Don't do that," I snapped, narrowing my eyes.  "We're not talking about you and me; we're talking about my sister.  You know, the little girl who I happen to share guardianship of with my brother--"

"Used to."

"That's irrelevant, Emily.  Lulu is too young to get married--"

"Not in the eyes of the sate."

"--and as her guardian--"

"Former guardian--"

"Whatever." I almost felt like laughing there.  I can't even tell you how I treasured seeing her that way, playful, free of the shadows.  Those moments were like gold to me.  I remember every single one.  "One stupid year doesn't change the fact that she is still a child.  How can I allow my baby sister to make such a horrible mistake?"

"Nikolas…" her tone was soothing but reprimanding all at once.  She didn't see eye to eye with me on this and that fact was more than a little upsetting to me. This was Lulu, for God's sakes, Lulu.  She couldn't get married; she was still ten years old with pig-tails.  Only…she wasn't. "Nikolas, she loves him.  She doesn't see this as a mistake.  And how can you be sure that it's even a mistake at all, hmm?  How can you really make that call?"

"Easy," I said, anger bubbling at up at the mere thought. "He's ten years older than her."

"Love knows no number--"

What?  That had to be the most ridiculous… "A decade!  Emily, a whole decade!  How is that okay?"  I knew I was yelling, but I couldn't seem to care.  How could she be so impassive about this?  But then I remember she was impassive about everything.  Just another lovely parting gift courtesy of that bastard brother of hers.

"He's a good man, Nikolas.  And he's very much in love with her."

"Yes, man, Emily. A man who's only four years younger than me and who also happens to be deeply involved in the Business."  Did I forget to mention that?  Yeah, my only sister was getting married to one of my wife's employees.  Let me tell you, it was truly disturbing sometimes to see just how far the Life had permeated my surrounding worlds, worlds that never should have been touched by what she did, by what I did.  Oh, God.  My sister was going to be a Mob wife.  Suddenly my stomach did a very violent lurch and my eyes slipped closed.  I didn't want this for her.  She was too young to know all the ugly truths of our world.  Hell, I still didn't want to know…  "Emily, I just can't handle this…"

Through half-lidded eyes I saw my wife tip her head to the side and regard me carefully.  "The fact that Lulu is getting married or the fact that it's to her bodyguard?" God, leave it to Emily to cut right to the bone…

"Both," I snapped, maybe a little too forcefully if the sharply set jaw my wife was sporting was any indication. "She's a baby…" I looked at her beseechingly, silently begging for her to understand that I could not allow another woman I cared about to be dragged down and suffocated by the bleak and distorted world that surrounded us.  I failed my wife, how could I let it happen to my sister as well?  "An innocent… She shouldn't be a part of this…"

"Her 'being a part of this' is not a given, Nikolas.  We can keep her out of it.  Eric can do that, just give him the chance."  I sometimes wondered why her championing spirit for young love wasn't extinguished with everything else.  It sure would have fit.  I glared at her; she merely smiled again, that soft, familiar, deceptive smile.  "And as far as the 'baby' part goes, she's only one year younger than I was when we got married."

God how I hated it when she made sense.  She was right, of course.  Lesley Lu didn't have to be privy to our inner workings, we could shield her.  It was possible.  But I was still not buying into the true love factor.  It was all just too sudden.  And if it wasn't, I swear to God I'll kill the dirty old bastard myself.  He'd been her guard since she was fourteen. My head swam as the world was successfully thrown askew again, and I skimmed a hand over the rising uneasiness in my stomach.  Why did that possibility never cross my mind before?

With a deep breath I forced myself to calm down.  Somewhere, buried under all the big brother bravado, I realized that I was being completely irrational.  But know this.  It was the necessary kind of irrational, all right?  The kind the kept the world from going to Hell.  "That's different," I protested, turning over Emily's hand in mine, twisting the diamond on her finger gently.  "We were best friends for years before we feel in love.  And when we did… well, we both knew there weren't any other options for us, Emily."  I paused and drifted my gaze upward to link warmly with hers.  "We were destined for marriage, for each other."

I saw her eyes pool in fond remembrance and my heart leapt.  Sometimes I could still see glimpses of that bright-eyed, determined young woman from so long ago.  She was just buried under so many levels of sadness, grief, and regret that those glimpses were few and far between, so very far between.

"Maybe it's the same for them then," she said quietly, her voice quivering ever so slightly. "Maybe Lulu and Eric are so in love that they don't have any other options either."

I laughed then, despairingly.  "When your barely legal sister's prospective husband is a twenty-nine-year-old bodyguard, then there is always another option.  Trust me."

She chuckled softly and leaned her head against my chest, letting me wrap her up in my careful embrace.  All I wanted to do was hold her and to never let go.  I let go once before, removed myself to the sidelines while she sacrificed herself to a loyalty she alone upheld.  I did it because I loved her, and it was because of that love that I'd never—ever—make such a mistake again.  God only knew what would happen if I let go a second time. 

A soft vibration moved through my chest and I knew she's speaking again, softly.  "How's Lucky doing?" she asked.  It sounded as if she was dreading the answer.  She had good reason to.

"Oh, about where I am," I sighed, "Except about ten times more livid and with absolutely none of the self-control."

She winced in my grasp and sucked in a sharp breath.  "You don't think he'll do something drastic do you?" 

"He already has," I answered her, letting my eyes drift shut as her absent hand stoked a gentle pattern across my chest.  "He's threatening to call Luke."

Her hand stilled immediately.  "Oh, no."

I nodded and met her knowing gaze.  "Exactly.  If Luke gets wind of this the marriage will never happen, but, I mean, at what price?  Having Luke home again will only damage her further; Lulu still hasn't forgiven him for leaving." 

"Can you blame her?" Emily snapped, eyes suddenly flashing with anger.  "His thirst for open road and his disturbingly frequent need to escape the law has taken him away from home most of the last eight years.  It's why you and Lucky went into guardianship of her to begin with.  Because somewhere along the line, the fool got it in his thick head that his daughter was better off without her father."

Her words were like acid, their passionate resonance ringing in my ears like a sour note.  But it was all the same old tune, really, the same retelling of how Luke's messed up life had damaged my sister again and again, crushing a little bit more of her heart every time he sauntered his way out of her life with nothing but a "see ya, darlin'" for her to hold onto.  And don't think the similarities between my sister and my wife were lost on me, because they weren't.  It was the same in both instances.  The selfish bastards disappear and I'm left with two broken angels in their wake. It was so incredibly sad that it was almost funny.  Except that it wasn't.  "I know, I know," I said, forcing myself to refocus, to not get worked up all over again. "But Lucky… he's just so angry.  He knows bringing his father home will stop things; he doesn't care about the rest.  All he wants is for this marriage never to happen. And you know what?  I really don't blame him."

I felt Emily sigh rather than heard it.  "Can't you two try something else?"

A truly dark thought passed my mind then and I couldn't help but let out a sudden bark of dark laughter.  "Can I have Eric… taken care of?"

She frowned warningly at me, her brown eyes hardening slightly, but only slightly. "Nikolas…"

A rueful smile found my mouth and I pulled her into me even tighter, careful not to hurt her still tender wounds. "Kidding, only kidding."

"Oh, I'm sure," she said, utterly unconvinced, nestling into my side.  But the light feeling around us didn't last, and I felt another one of those sighs bubble up in her.  I knew exactly what was happening.  She was connecting the dots, too, drawing those parallel lines between her life and Lulu's.

"Look," she said suddenly, her voice firm and unmistakably grave. "Whether you and your brother like it or not, your sister is an adult.  She will make this decision on her own, and, well…I have to say that although you are my husband, and Lucky my best friend, I stand with Lulu on this.  She loves him, don't keep her from that.  Don't stand between your sister and happiness."

With a hand under her chin, I urged her head up so I could see her eyes.  "And if this all blows up in her face, and she ends up divorced with kids at the age of twenty-one and is forced to move in here because Lucky won't so much as look at her and Lesley disowns her?" 

She smiled warmly at me, her brown eyes sparking with gentle fondness.  "You think too much.  And, if by some horrible tragedy, that does come to pass, then that's her mistake to make."  Emily raised a hand to my rumpled hair and ran her fingers through it gently. "Don't do something that will drive a wedge between you and your sister, Nikolas.  You may never get her back."

I felt my heart crumble a little with the stunning sadness in her voice.  Damn Morgan.  I wish he'd never come back here.  He'd only managed to break her even more, and just when I thought such a thing wasn't possible.  Tell me; what is the point of coming back to the one you've abandoned if it's just to twist the knife, to stomp on the wound? Hmm?  I didn't know how he ever could have claimed to love her.  Someone who loved her never would have left her like that, least of all him.  He was her bloody savior for God's sake.

"How did the meeting with Jason go?"  The question was out so quickly, I partly wondered where it came from.  I mean, it wasn't really a question that needed answering, was it?  That truth was written all over her face and laced intricately into every vacant flicker of her suddenly lifeless eyes.

"It didn't," she said sharply, her whole body growing rigid in my arms.

She made to move away, but I didn't let her.  I still wasn't ready for that. "I ran into him on the docks," I said quietly, gauging her profile with hesitation.  "I asked him, to attend the meeting with you tonight."

She snorted.  "Yeah, well, you weren't the only one." Jesus, I could practically feel her icing over.  

"I assume it went as usual then?"  Like I even had to ask.

She gave a tiny nod as her eyes slipped closed.  Then an odd stillness invaded her form making her feel hollow within the circle of my arms.  "He offered to go in my place," she murmured, as if the words were too difficult for her to say, took too much of her strength away. 

Well, of course, I should have suspected as much from him. God forbid Jason actually stands united with his sister on something after all this time.  It really was all or nothing with him, wasn't it?  "I don't think that's a good idea, Emily," I said, shaking my head, wanting to put my words as gently as possible without evoking the beast in her.  I really didn't want to fight.  I never did. "Faith knows you're doing better. You know how she'll take seeing Jason's face there and not yours." A thoughtful silence wrapped us up and I waited a few beats before pushing it just a little bit further, just to make sure my point had been made. "But on the other hand, if he was just escorting you…"

I feel her deflate a little and I know she understands what I'm saying.  "I know, I know," she sighed, undoubtedly rolling her eyes like I was some blabbering father and she was the know-it-all teenager, reciting some rehearsed rundown of family rules.  "If he goes alone, Faith will panic and so will Alcazar, they'll think he's taken over.  If we go together and he stays in the background..."

"That's right; Jason going in alone will read like a power switch.  But if he presents himself as nothing more than extra muscle, Faith will be much less likely to loose her cool.  Let him have too big a role in the meeting and war will be inevitable, sooner rather than latter, too." For a split second I felt contented.  Like for once, I'd actually won with her. 

I really should have remembered my own rules, huh?  Nobody wins, and especially not against my wife. 

"Do I really care anymore, Nikolas?"

In an instant my warning bells went off.  I couldn't let her go down this road, because at the end of this road there awaited one of two things for my wife: a jail cell or a casket.  "Emily…"

"No," she hissed through gritted teeth, genuine anger rolling off her small form in deadly waves.  "That woman killed Courtney.  She killed our baby and she almost killed me.  How many second chances am I supposed to give her for the sake of 'Business', Nikolas?  In my eyes she's outlived any usefulness she may have had.  The only place in this town where Faith Rosco belongs anymore is in a pine box, six feet under the ground."

"Em, please, just listen to me," I begged softly, desperate to quiet her tirade before it erupted.  Don't get me wrong, I hated Faith Rosco with every last fiber of my being. She took my unborn child from me and her actions caused irrevocable damage to the person my wife used to be.  But I refused to go off half-cocked and only end up hurting ourselves in the end.  When we finally got her, I wanted her reduced to nothing but a whimpering mess, begging for life at my feet.  I didn't want her to walk away with anything.  Hell, I didn't want her to walk away at all.  "Faith's foothold on the docks is pivotal, that's the only reason why we tolerate her.  We will move against her, but it cannot be now.  We still have to lure Alcazar to our side, maneuver our way into her territory, get poised to take it back, knock her legs out from underneath her so that she's useless and powerless. Start a war with her now, while she's still got firm control on the docks and resources like Alcazar at her disposal, and you can say goodbye to free transport in the numbers we're used to.  It'll carve a considerable hole in our earnings, Emily.  Your stronghold will slip."

Her body tensed again and her eyes -suddenly cold with defiance- bore into mine.  She saw and she knew. She just didn't give a damn.  She was tired of being thirsty, fed up with wanting but not being able to have.   "I don't care.  I'm done being diplomatic here." There wasn't anything loving or even slightly sensitive in her tone anymore—just cold, calculating, Mob Boss Emily Morgan-Cassadine.  And her next words completed the shift perfectly. 

"I should just send Johnny in there and be done with it."

I didn't think I'd ever get used to the flippancy in which she approached things like this now.  It was like she was talking about taking the dog out for a walk, not touching off a small massacre.  Taking life away.  "And what, mop up the mess when he's done?" An urgency that had become sickeningly familiar leaked from my words as I pleaded with her, because somewhere deep inside I knew just how pivotal this movement would prove to be.  This was another unraveling point in our lives and it rested upon me to stop the seams from breaking all over again.  "Think about this, Emily, please.  You know that isn't smart or right."

For a half a second, a thoughtful remorse flickered in her eyes and a giddy hope exploded in my chest. But then it was gone.  Both flicker and hope extinguished in a fluttering of inky lashes.  And it its place…?  Ice.  Rigid and cold.  "It may not be, but it'll sure as hell make me feel better."

"No it won't," I whispered sadly.  God, how I wished she could've understood that. 

"How do you know that, Nikolas," was her lighting fast, brutal reply. "For six years I've wanted this woman dead.  And you know what?  As I see it, I've already waited too long."  With that she roughly disengaged herself from my arms and stalked out the penthouse door, skirt fluttering and heels clicking, leaving nothing but ominous intentions in her wake.

Sighing deeply, my hands found their way into my hair once more.

This wasn't going to end well… for anyone.

~#~

(a/n) Okay, so I lied.  Sue me.  In my decidedly dark mood, it seems I've pounded out quite the angsty bit, huh?  Oh well, I think it does its job and sets the tone for the upcoming chapters very well.  But then, that's just me.  As far as Nik goes (and I'm going to break this down because I want you readers to fully understand where he's coming from), as you can see, he does still desperately love Emily, its just that so many painful things have happened in the past that he's feeling a tad embittered, but also, at the same time, oddly resigned to his life, to their life.  Its weird, but I think it rings true.  I mean, lets take a marriage between two people I know for instance.  This couple shares a fairly tumultuous past, one riddled with unfortunate tragedy and very complicated circumstances.  Now, the man loves his wife, and she loves him.  That devotion is painfully clear.  But, underneath that, there is a level of pain, anger, and even mistrust that cause them to lash out bitterly, to loose faith, and to think things that are far from loving.  Its human nature.  Inside all of us there is an ugly, foul-mouthed, ill-intentioned, little cynic that grows even more cynical with every bad thing that happens to us.  It's just up to each person to tame it, to be good, decent, and kind in spite of that part of us, and to begin to heal, properly.  So, I think that's were Nik and Em are.  There is just so much water under the bridge that's its becoming difficult to let it all keep passing unspoken.  He's stuck between loving her, feeling sorry for her, and being appalled by her.  Things are quickly reaching a breaking point.  Add Jason and an impending meeting with Faith to that and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster, don't ya think?  Anyway, I'll shut up now and let you go.  Take care and don't forget to review.  I think I need some good vibes.  ~Loke *hugs*

Next Chap: Emily POV.  In which the meeting begins and a few other key players, who also double as very familiar faces, are revealed.  Elizabeth makes an appearance.  

Oh, and sorry if there are any errors in this, I sorta rushed the posting process.