The Show Must Go On

Author: Elizabeth5

a/n: thanks for all the great reviews.

chapter four: Feeling Blue

When all of the wounded were being treated and the dead had been gathered, Buffy found Angel in an abandoned darkened ally, leaning up against the wall. For the first time in her life, he appeared broken to her, hopeless. That look in itself was more terrifying than any demon could ever be.

"Angel?" she began tentatively.

He didn't even turn to look at her. "Over two hundred years of living, and I've only really begun to feel in the last eight years or so. Since I met you. And in that time, I've lost almost everyone that's ever mattered to me– you, Doyle, Fred, Wesley, Gunn, Lorne, Faith, Cordelia."

Buffy looked up at the last name. "Cordelia?" she repeated.

"We must have forgotten to call," Angel said numbly, "there was so much going on. We didn't have time to stop and breathe. Not that I need to breathe..."

She took a moment to process this information. Cordelia was gone. She'd finally managed to turn her life into something more meaningful than being a former Sunnydale High cheerleader, and now she was dead. And Wesley. He'd been a pain in the butt as a watcher, but even during her brief visits to L.A., she could see how much he was growing, changing. It was all so unfair.

"I've lost all the people I love," Angel said, "and I've lost any reason to hope. I signed away my Shanshu."

"Bless you," Buffy said automatically.

Angel shook his head. "No, Buffy, my Shanshu. I was a prophecy that said a vampire with a soul would get the opportunity to become human after he helped to avert the Apocalypse." He glanced at her quickly before continuing, "And I signed it away to help save the world. Good for me."

Buffy was silent, unsure of how to proceed. What words of comfort could she offer him? She'd lost people over the years– too many people– but Angel had literally lost all of his friends, everyone he'd been close to. And now he'd lost any chance to have the one thing he'd always secretly desired. There was no comfort for that.

"I've lost everything," Angel repeated.

Hesitantly, she started forward, stopping when she was standing just in front of him. "Angel. You still have me."

Angel really looked at her for the first time. And then he laughed.

Frowning, Buffy fell back a step. "Hey, I'm not that bad." she protested.

"Sorry, it's just..." Angel shook his head. "You're so delusional."

Her frown deepened. "Huh? Mind running a play-by-play for those of us who are confused?"

He leaned back his head, letting out a drawn-out sigh. "Man, it kills me to admit this. But you're not in love with me. I could tell the moment that you saw Spike again. The way you two just stood there, unable to look away or even move..."

She shifted guiltily. "So you saw that, huh?"

"I saw that." Angel confirmed.

Buffy shook her head quickly. "Well, you're wrong. It just so happens that I'm furious with Spike...in fact, I hate him. He was alive all this time and never even bothered to tell me– and, oh, don't think I'm not a little ticked off at you for that, too."

"He made us promise not to tell," Angel informed her.

Oh, that stung. She forced aside the pain. "Well, whatever the case may be...Spike and I are over. He made that perfectly clear when he decided play hide and seek with me for an entire year."

"And what about you and the Immortal?" Angel inquired, the bitterness evident in his eyes. "Are you two over, too?"

"Totally," Buffy said with a wave of her hand, "that was so just a...Wait a minute." She focused her gaze on him. "How did you know about the Immortal?"

It was Angels' turn to look guilty. "Spike and I were kind of in Rome. We heard you were in trouble...turns out it just wasn't the kind we could fight off."

She felt a steady blush crawl to her cheeks. "Great. There's nothing less awkward than my two ex-boyfriends stalking me while I date another guy."

But Angel wasn't even listening to her. "That should have been my first indication that Spike was in it for the long haul. I mean, I thought since he didn't want to see you, that meant he'd never really loved you. But I had it all wrong. He didn't want you to see him."

"I don't see how that's any better," Buffy said quietly.

"It's a hundred times better," Angel countered, "Believe me– I've been there before. Watching you from the shadows, afraid you might glance over and notice I was there. It wasn't a lack of love for you, Buffy; it was a lack of love for myself."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Please don't get philosophical on me, Angel."

Angel continued to ignore her. "Just like the reason you're angry with Spike for not telling you he was alive isn't because you don't love him anymore. It's because you do."

"For the last time," Buffy seethed, "I am not in love with Spike."

"Then tell me one thing, honestly," Angel replied, meeting her gaze squarely. "When I told you about the Shanshu prophecy, about the vampire with a soul who would become human, who was the first person who came to your mind?"

Buffy remained silent. Angel smiled at this, but his expression was pained. "That's what I thought." He turned and began to walk down the ally.

"Angel," Buffy called after him, a tone of desperation in her voice, "where are you going?"

Angel didn't even turn. "I just remembered– there's one last person I'm living for. I need to make sure he's okay."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Xander finished dressing the head wound of one of the coven witches and then slowly lowered her down to the ground. "Easy now...you're gonna be okay. Trust me– head wounds? No big thing."

His gaze caught on a flash of blue moving by. He looked up to see a beautiful but odd-looking woman stalking past. Her hair was bright blue and everything else on her body had a bluish tint, save be the gaping wound on her arm.

"Hey!" Xander called, almost without thinking. He rose to his feet and hurried after her, catching the arm without a wound. "Let me patch up that cut for you."

"Unhand me, mortal," she snapped, her eyes blazing at his insolence, "I do not wish for your assistance."

"But your arm is bleeding," Xander pointed out sensibly, "and it might get all infected if we don't, you know, clean it and bandage it and give you the right medicine."

The blue woman continued to glare at him. "Your medicine cannot help me. The ache I feel cannot be cured. I have lost my guide."

Xander frowned at her. "Your guide? Is this like a zoo thing...?" She merely stared at him, and despite his better judgment, Xander continued, "I'm not a big fan of zoos, myself. The last time I went to one I was changed into a hyena person and ended up eating a pig raw. Not the fun and games you might imagine. I was getting PETA pamphlets for months– "

"You speak much," said the blue woman, "yet say very little. And you are not my guide."

With that, she turned and left. Xander watched after her wistfully. "And once again, I'm oddly attracted to a demon with no sense of tact or social know-how." He shook his head ruefully. "The fates really do have a funny sense of humor..."