Remus knew Sirius was up there. As for what he was doing up there, well, it could really be only one of three things: drinking, smoking or moping.
Remus sighed and put down the book he'd been pretending to read. Staring around the room and spotting something that peaked his interest he got up and went over to it.
Dusting it off Remus realized that it was the Christmas present his father had given him this year. Remus smiled and thanked the good Lord that his father was still alive. He didn't know what he would have done without him all these years.
Remus' mother had died shortly after Remus had graduation from Hogwarts. She had been an Auror and had been killed, as so many others had, by Voldemort's Death Eaters. His father, who was not prominent in the wizard community because he was a Muggle, had been looked over.
Remus stared down at the present, still with its hints of wrapping paper and looking decidedly Muggle. Checking to make sure there were batteries in it Remus stared down at the CD player and tried to remember how to work it.
His father had included a few CD's with the player and Remus shifted through him. It had been a while since he had listened to Muggle music but all the names were familiar and Remus let a smile pass his lips when he realized that these were probably called "oldies" now.
The picture of a bizarre looking cake type thing and record player caught Remus' eyes. "Ah," he said aloud. The cover read: The Rolling Stones—Let It Bleed.
Smiling, Remus opened the case and managed to maneuver the CD out and into the player. Finding the proper button Remus only had to wait a few seconds before the opening strains of "Gimme Shelter" came on.
"Oh, a storm is threat'ning, my very life today, if I don't get some shelter, oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away..."
The song brought Remus back to the beginning of his fourth year at Hogwarts, when he brought his record player to school for the first time.
The Muggle contraption had fascinated his friends and it wasn't long before they would sneak it from him to listen to music alone in their beds. That wasn't to say that they never listened to music together. The Rolling Stones in particular had been listened to after many a late night kitchen raid.
Remus turned to the pile of CD's his father had given him and started shifting through them again. Each band brought a specific memory to mind.
The Doors reminded him of Sirius' vibrant crush on Jim Morrison and how that had sparked many heated conversations between the two of them as to who was the better singer, Jim Morrison or Mick Jagger, for Remus harbored his own not-so-secret crush on The Rolling Stones front man.
James had loved Led Zeppelin. He used it to calm himself down. Remus remembered that whenever Lily shot down James' dating attempts, James would hole up in his bed, with the record player and blast Led Zeppelin. Remus also remembered, with an angry pang, that Peter had loved Led Zeppelin too, though probably only because it was James' favorite band.
They had played The Who at James and Lily's wedding, after everyone had gotten bored with the wizard music. And Remus fondly remembered Lily insisting that the first music Harry ever listened to was Jimi Hendrix, for it seemed that not even Lily was immune to rock star crushes.
Remus reached the last CD his father had given him. Pink Floyd, The Dark Side of the Moon. Pink Floyd had been the default. Whenever they couldn't agree on what to listen to they put on Pink Floyd. It had been the only album that James wouldn't attempt to break whenever he got angry at the record player. It had been the only album that Peter had a favorite song that wasn't James' favorite song. It had been the only album that got Sirius to sit still and be quiet.
Now, Sirius was always quiet.
Sadly, Remus looked up at the ceiling towards Sirius. He had thought all of the Azkaban problems had been fixed. He had thought Sirius had put it behind him, that he had accepted the past and moved on as Remus had.
It was the house, Remus thought angrily. The damn house.
When Sirius had come to Remus directly after Harry's third year Sirius had told Remus of his experience in Azkaban. Of the hurts that never went away, of the torments that he had undergone. Remus had been sympathetic and by the time they had migrated to Africa Sirius had seemed his old self again.
Even when Sirius had come back from Harry's near death experience he still seemed fine. Shaken, thin and dirty, yes. But he seemed well enough.
It had only taken a week in Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place for Sirius to begin his decline. Molly and the others did not understand Sirius' mood swings and were irritated by them. Only Remus understood the depth of Sirius' suffering, which made him hesitant to reproach Sirius for acting this way in front of Harry.
The whole situation angered Remus and it was hard for him not to place blame on Dumbledore for forcing Sirius to come back to this place. But then Remus would remember that it was all for the best and he forced himself to quell the feeling.
It would have been understandable if Sirius were growing old. Remus would have accepted it then. But though Remus was starting to feel the affects of age, Sirius seemed beyond time's reach. He still bounded from bed like a spring-loaded puppy and he still ran up and down the stairs with force and speed as he had done in Hogwarts, all of course, depending on his mood. And, as Remus noted nearly every day, there was not one gray hair that dared to stand among the waves of black.
As the days wore on Sirius grew worse. Along with the mood swings, Sirius had a tendency to stare very hard into space as if trying to will himself to forget it all, and there were nights that Remus woke to find Sirius sitting up in bed, talking to someone that wasn't there. It frightened Remus more than old age, more than the moon, perhaps even more than Voldemort's potential takeover.
He knew the behavior frightened the others as well, but he also knew that it jarred him the most. For he had known Sirius when he had been young and vibrant. He had known Sirius when Sirius could not sit still long enough to tie his shoes. He had known Sirius as a wild, loving, brave, handsome man. To compare the old Sirius with the new seemed almost like sacrilege. It was like they were two completely different people.
And what was worse was that the longer Sirius spent alone with his thoughts, the more unreachable he became. Remus feared that Sirius was on his way down a long spiral to...dare he say insanity?
Remus had been with Sirius alone in the house, not including Order meetings, for the better part of February and the beginning of March now. And despite his nearly constant presence Sirius was still unreachable. The barely talked and they hadn't made love since Remus had first come back from his Order duties. It hurt Remus to see the one he loved so vacant.
The creak of the door stirred Remus from his thoughts and he turned to see (speak of the devil) Sirius standing in the doorway. "Hello," Remus said, turning back to the CD player and realizing that the CD had ended and that he must have been sitting in silence for a while. He moved to take the CD out of the player and put it back in its case.
"What's that?" Sirius asked, sounding as if he couldn't care less.
"CD player," Remus answered with an attempted cheeriness. "Kind of like the record player, do you remember that?" Remus didn't bother to wait for a response. "Well, it's more advanced."
"What were you listening too?" Sirius asked dully, coming closer to Remus and plopping down on the floor next to him.
"Rolling Stones."
The shadow of a smile flitted over Sirius' face and reached for the pile of CD's. With something of his old smirk he held The Rolling Stones and The Doors CD's together. "I still say that Jim Morrison is Lord."
Willing to play the game Remus said, "No way. Mick Jagger is ten times better."
"Dream on." A full-blown smile had entered Sirius' face now and he stared down at the CD's in rapture. "You used to have such a big crush on Mick Jagger..."
"I still do," Remus teased. "And let's not forget your Morrison obsession."
Sirius mocked a swoon and in a high voice he said, "What a dreamboat." Remus laughed.
"And look!" Sirius crowed. "Jimi Hendrix! Do you remember how in love Lily was with him? Used to make James so jealous," Sirius' smile broke for a fraction of a second, then he went on. "I remember them arguing about what they wanted Harry to be when he grew up. James wanted Harry to be a Quidditch star and Lily wanted Harry to be a famous guitarist like Hendrix...Do you remember Remus?"
"Yes," Remus said indulgently. "I remember."
"Oh man," Sirius said, staring at the next CD. "Remember James and Lily's wedding with this?" He held up The Who CD.
"The wizard music they had on was so boring and no one was dancing," Remus began.
"Yeah so you and I set up the record player we brought just in case..."
"And we put on The Who..."
"And everyone starting dancing..."
"I can still remember Dumbledore leading everyone off! Do you remember?"
"Oh, yeah, that was so funny!" Both men laughed at the memory of Dumbledore "busting a move."
Sirius looked down at the remaining CD's. "Oh," his voice was soft when he spoke. "Led Zeppelin...James' favorite." The smile fell from Remus' face.
"Remember how much he loved them? Remember how he would sneak the album into his bed and listen to it all night? Remember how he'd get angry and try to break it when it wouldn't work right? Remember how he'd smile? Do you remember Remus? Do you?" Sirius looked up at Remus desperately and Remus tried not to flinch away from his gaze.
"Of course I remember, Sirius."
Sirius nodded and whispered, "Of course."
He stared down at the last CD, Pink Floyd, without saying anything. Well, how could he? It had been used for so many things; it was too much too articulate. "Can we listen to this one?" Sirius asked quietly.
Remus saw his reasoning immediately. Listen to the CD that has too many memories to think of at once and you won't have to think of anything at all.
"Sure." Gently, Remus took the CD from Sirius' hands and put it in the machine and pressed play.
In the silence the proceeded the first song, 'Speak to Me,' Sirius spoke.
"Remus?"
"Yes?"
"Do you think I'm mad?" Sirius' voice quivered as he spoke and Remus turned his head to face his old friend.
"I know the others think I'm mad," Sirius went on in a rush. "And I know sometimes I think I'm mad. But—but...am I mad Remus? Or am I going mad? I feel weird all the time, like I'm losing my grip on reality or something. Am I going mad Remus? Am I?"
"I've always been mad, I know I've been mad, like the most of us...very hard to explain why you're mad, even if you're not mad..." said the CD player.
Oh God, what could he tell him? 'Yes Sirius, you're slowly, but surely going insane?' No, he couldn't. Not to Sirius. He couldn't tell Sirius the truth. He could only comfort Sirius and tell him what he wanted to hear, as he had always done. As he would always continue to do, no matter what happened.
"No Sirius, of course not."
Sirius nodded and turned his attention back to the CD player.
"Of course not."
The lunatic is on the grass.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
Got to keep the loonies on the path.
The lunatic is in the hall.
The lunatics are in my hall.
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paperboy brings more.
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.
The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon...
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.