Disclaimer- I own nothing in this world. I don't even own my family since they will not even listen to their rightful ruler which is me. They must not have read the memo.
Chapter 1
How to Modify a Car (In Five Seconds or Less)
I was bored out of my mind. My mother had left me the apartment while I was on summer break from the horrors of college. She had left on a merry "vacation" with her new boyfriend. Who has a boyfriend when they're like sixty ?
Anyway...I had managed to pretty much piss my summer away and not remember most of it. But wait, I am being so rude. You don't know who I am, do you ? Well, you should. Hello, I'm Valentina. Tina for short. I'm nineteen, an aquarius, I love puppies and vampires but that's a story for another time. Where was I ? Oh,yes, about pissing my summer away. So I woke up with the obligatory hangover that comes from walking hand in hand with way too many bottles of tequila. Two minutes into wishing for a new head I was already bored. That's when the phone rang and my head nearly fell off but I wasn't so lucky. I quickly answered it.
"Hello," I moaned.
"Good, you're awake," the male voice whispered on the other end. It was my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Matt.
"But barely alive. Tell me you feel as bad as I do."
"Probably worse. Listen, can you come over ? Like at the speed of light ?"
"No. The millenium falcon is in for repairs."
"Please," he begged, still whispering ",I have something to show you."
"I've seen it before, Matt. I wasn't impressed."
"Funny. Listen just get over here and I'll give you somethin' to get rid of your hangover."
"Fine. Just let me shower first."
"Make it fast."
I hung up then slowly tested the ground with a toe to make sure it wouldn't move. You know how the ground likes to play tricks on us unsuspecting hungover people. It also likes to play tricks on me when I'm completely sober. Which is exactly what it did. No sooner did I have both feet firmly planted on the ground that the phone rang and I fell flat on my face. It hurt as badly as it sounds. I crawled over to my nightstand and looked at the caller ID. It was my other bestest friend, Mandy the Munchkin. She's short if you couldn't tell by the nickname. I picked up the phone for the second time in five minutes.
"Louie's morgue. You stab 'em we slab 'em."
"Tina," Mandy whispered ",I need you to come over."
"Sorry, President asked first."
"I'm serious," she hissed ",Matt can wait."
"What is with all of the whispering ?"
"Tina," Mandy yelled causing my head to nearly explode. Do you see how many things my head nearly does. I think its a procrastinator. Or it has issues with following through.
"Fine, but do me a favor."
"Anything to get your slow butt in your car and on your way over here."
"Tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up."
Click. I put the cordless phone back on its base, smiling, very pleased with myself. The phone began to ring again but I ignored it deciding instead to brave the fun house floor to take a shower. After staying under the spray of the showerhead until the water ran cold I quickly dressed with my head protesting my fast movements the whole time. I dressed in my baggy JNCOs, Docs and a wife beater then left the apartment. I started up my POS Ford Escort and was soon driving down a back road towards Matt's house. Dust was flying around the road making it nearly impossible to see. I squinted at a dark form hunched over in the middle of the road. It looked like some sort of animal...and...it...wasn't...moving ! I slammed on the brakes, skidding to a halt, only inches from the "thing". The dust seemed to settle and I was left staring into abnormally large eyes. The thing screeched and stood to its full height. While clutching my ears in pain I was vaguely aware that it looked somewhat human.
"Theys stole it from us," it bellowed. "My precious. The hobbitses stole it from us. We hates hobbitses."
Then the thing began beating the crap out of the hood of my car. I threw myself across the front seat to avoid possible injury which was a good thing. No sooner had I crashed into the passenger's seat that something heavy landed on top of my car. And I mean heavy. So heavy that I lost about an inch of head room and my windows blew out.
When my ears finally quit ringing I got out of my car the only way I could. The doors didn't open so I had to fling myself out of the driver's side window. Let me tell you I was the picture of grace and elegance and I sprawled myself onto the gravel and glass. I looked up to the roof of the car to see two men, crouched, with two very sharp looking arrows pointed at me. I took a quick look around but didn't see America's Next Top Model anywhere which meant that for the time being my car was safe. I stood up, assessing the damage to my poor baby, completely ignoring the weapons aimed at my throat. I looked up at the two men, making a mental note to review later when I had calmed down: pointy ears, wierd clothes, archaic weapons, long hair. Then I yelled ",LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR !!!!"
(A/N- I don't think its very funny but maybe someone out there will or maybe it will get funnier further into the story. I hope you like and I'll try to update soon. So now the queen of the world says to review. Go on press the button or its off with your heads. Oh, sorry, got away from myself there for a moment.)
Chapter 1
How to Modify a Car (In Five Seconds or Less)
I was bored out of my mind. My mother had left me the apartment while I was on summer break from the horrors of college. She had left on a merry "vacation" with her new boyfriend. Who has a boyfriend when they're like sixty ?
Anyway...I had managed to pretty much piss my summer away and not remember most of it. But wait, I am being so rude. You don't know who I am, do you ? Well, you should. Hello, I'm Valentina. Tina for short. I'm nineteen, an aquarius, I love puppies and vampires but that's a story for another time. Where was I ? Oh,yes, about pissing my summer away. So I woke up with the obligatory hangover that comes from walking hand in hand with way too many bottles of tequila. Two minutes into wishing for a new head I was already bored. That's when the phone rang and my head nearly fell off but I wasn't so lucky. I quickly answered it.
"Hello," I moaned.
"Good, you're awake," the male voice whispered on the other end. It was my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Matt.
"But barely alive. Tell me you feel as bad as I do."
"Probably worse. Listen, can you come over ? Like at the speed of light ?"
"No. The millenium falcon is in for repairs."
"Please," he begged, still whispering ",I have something to show you."
"I've seen it before, Matt. I wasn't impressed."
"Funny. Listen just get over here and I'll give you somethin' to get rid of your hangover."
"Fine. Just let me shower first."
"Make it fast."
I hung up then slowly tested the ground with a toe to make sure it wouldn't move. You know how the ground likes to play tricks on us unsuspecting hungover people. It also likes to play tricks on me when I'm completely sober. Which is exactly what it did. No sooner did I have both feet firmly planted on the ground that the phone rang and I fell flat on my face. It hurt as badly as it sounds. I crawled over to my nightstand and looked at the caller ID. It was my other bestest friend, Mandy the Munchkin. She's short if you couldn't tell by the nickname. I picked up the phone for the second time in five minutes.
"Louie's morgue. You stab 'em we slab 'em."
"Tina," Mandy whispered ",I need you to come over."
"Sorry, President asked first."
"I'm serious," she hissed ",Matt can wait."
"What is with all of the whispering ?"
"Tina," Mandy yelled causing my head to nearly explode. Do you see how many things my head nearly does. I think its a procrastinator. Or it has issues with following through.
"Fine, but do me a favor."
"Anything to get your slow butt in your car and on your way over here."
"Tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up."
Click. I put the cordless phone back on its base, smiling, very pleased with myself. The phone began to ring again but I ignored it deciding instead to brave the fun house floor to take a shower. After staying under the spray of the showerhead until the water ran cold I quickly dressed with my head protesting my fast movements the whole time. I dressed in my baggy JNCOs, Docs and a wife beater then left the apartment. I started up my POS Ford Escort and was soon driving down a back road towards Matt's house. Dust was flying around the road making it nearly impossible to see. I squinted at a dark form hunched over in the middle of the road. It looked like some sort of animal...and...it...wasn't...moving ! I slammed on the brakes, skidding to a halt, only inches from the "thing". The dust seemed to settle and I was left staring into abnormally large eyes. The thing screeched and stood to its full height. While clutching my ears in pain I was vaguely aware that it looked somewhat human.
"Theys stole it from us," it bellowed. "My precious. The hobbitses stole it from us. We hates hobbitses."
Then the thing began beating the crap out of the hood of my car. I threw myself across the front seat to avoid possible injury which was a good thing. No sooner had I crashed into the passenger's seat that something heavy landed on top of my car. And I mean heavy. So heavy that I lost about an inch of head room and my windows blew out.
When my ears finally quit ringing I got out of my car the only way I could. The doors didn't open so I had to fling myself out of the driver's side window. Let me tell you I was the picture of grace and elegance and I sprawled myself onto the gravel and glass. I looked up to the roof of the car to see two men, crouched, with two very sharp looking arrows pointed at me. I took a quick look around but didn't see America's Next Top Model anywhere which meant that for the time being my car was safe. I stood up, assessing the damage to my poor baby, completely ignoring the weapons aimed at my throat. I looked up at the two men, making a mental note to review later when I had calmed down: pointy ears, wierd clothes, archaic weapons, long hair. Then I yelled ",LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR !!!!"
(A/N- I don't think its very funny but maybe someone out there will or maybe it will get funnier further into the story. I hope you like and I'll try to update soon. So now the queen of the world says to review. Go on press the button or its off with your heads. Oh, sorry, got away from myself there for a moment.)